super long story

[longcut11]

so heres the deal, i dated someone for 7 years and we broke up..i had a terrible time at first and got really depressed. I actually wrote to LS a couple of times to try to cope. We broke up 3 years ago, and I did a really good job of no contact although my life was in shambles. Needless to say I started to do better and even tried to date. I dated a couple of girls over the last couple of years but none of the relationships seemed to work out, I always ended the relationships because none of them felt like they were working out. It never seemed to be the actual case, but i always had an underlying suspicion that it was because of my ex.

 

I just didn't seem to be able to commit, out of fear maybe of getting to involved maybe, and I always seemed to compare the girls I was dating to her. I know this isn't good but I couldn't help it. But one of the girls I dated and I remained friends even though I knew she had feelings for me. I then moved to a new state to get a fresh start, new job, getting back into school etc. So I was excited about this move and I was gonna put the dating on hold for a while so I could focus on those things. I was living in the new state for about 6 months when the friend that had feelings for me graduated college and decided to move down near me to try to get a job and go somewhere where she knew somebody.

 

I told her frankly I hoped that she wasn't moving to be with me because I just couldn't date right now. She said it wasn't because of that and she moved down here. We hung out a lot and were close friends. And even though I was always upfront about my feelings about not wanting to get serious, we were essentially dating. We went on dates we had sex etc. Short of actually saying it, we were dating. However I told her that if she wanted to see someone else that would be fine because I knew that it wasn't fair to her to be in a relationship where i wouldn't commit.

 

All I asked is if either of us decided to hang out with other people we'd be honest and tell the other about it. well about 4 months ago we were talking less and less and seeing each other less and less. I actually missed hanging out with her and started trying to ask her out, she always seemed to be busy. I did this for about 2 months asking her if she wanted to hang out to no avail. I gave it a rest for a couple weeks thinking I was just coming on to strong. She actually is very busy she has two jobs. Well I finally realized that I think my feelings for her were stronger than I thought and I decided that I would confess those feelings over Valentines Day.

 

I asked her if she would like to go out and she told me that she couldn't cause she was already going out with her BOYFRIEND! This came as a total shock to me, not only did it hurt but I was angry that she hadn't let me know earlier and I then felt like a total jerk asking her out all the time. I wasn't upset that she was dating someone, cause like I said I didn't think it was fair that she should wait around for me while i got my stuff together. But the fact that she didn't let me know totally devestated me.

 

Now having told that story heres the problem: Not a day or night has gone by in the last 3 years that I haven't thought about the girl I dated for 7 years, I actually dream about her on a regular basis. I always am kinda embarressed about this but I kind of shrug it off knowing that it takes different people different times to get over something. And she was my first and only love so far in my life so I figure I will probably never totally get over her. But now I have these hurt feelings about the other girl ON TOP OF the ones of my old ex. I feel like I'm a total fool and don't understand how I can screw things up this bad.

 

Having trouble dealing with two break ups at the same time one of which it's been entirely too long and the other that was my fault for stringing the girl along. I haven't talked to my first ex in over 2 years, and the other one is angry with me because I told her that it would be too hard to remain friends now that she has a boyfriend. I know that I should get over the first ex and I know that it was my fault with the new one, but man it sure does suck thinking about both of these girls all the time. Don't know what to do. Kinda sounds like i'm just bad at relationships after typing all this out. But I don't feel that way I feel like I'm a very honest and caring person, and it sucks that I have to deal with all this.

 

Sorry if it seems I'm whining but I just had to get it off my chest.

[jerbear]

I think you are still stuck on her and after 7 years. yeah it is a long time.

 

You'll have to take time to get away from it all. The dreams will eventually go away but in the meantime work on other things, hard things, new hobbies; things that will challenge you. This is to divert your attention away.

 

You'll be fine, you'll get there, those dreams will go away.

[honey2910]

Please get out of this rut asap... I know its hard to do. But go complete NC. Only this can help you get over her. Ask yourself than asking others do you really want to linger on these things forever. And when she is going around with somebody it will drive you nuts... So my advice would be go complete NC. I have been there in your shoes so I can feel whats going in ur heart and mind. Story is same but no of years are less

 

 

Everybody here will advise you this only...

[gwynieatpain]

Hey Sorry that it's taking you so long to get over all these.

 

Hope I can help a little.

 

I wasn't upset that she was dating someone, cause like I said I didn't think it was fair that she should wait around for me while i got my stuff together. But the fact that she didn't let me know totally devestated me.

 

If you meant what you said, you knew better than anybody that what hurt you the most in this break up - your ego only? I'm not sure how much connection you have with her emotionally, however, it seems to me that you liked the IDEA of hanging out with her only, not really INTO her even though you guys were 'dating'.

 

I hate to say this but yes it is your fault to stringing with her for so long. But from a girl's prespective, she's equally bad as you had made clear to her so she had a choice yet she was still into your game. Nothing she could complain really. She has a bf now and wants to stay friends with you. I sure you know what the deal is.

 

Just stay away from her.

 

You feel devastated because the wound is still fresh and the feeling of betrayal is unbearable. Yet I'm not worrying it takes you long to get over this one.

 

Now having told that story heres the problem: Not a day or night has gone by in the last 3 years that I haven't thought about the girl I dated for 7 years, I actually dream about her on a regular basis. I always am kinda embarressed about this but I kind of shrug it off knowing that it takes different people different times to get over something. And she was my first and only love so far in my life so I figure I will probably never totally get over her.

 

Ya headache isn't it.

 

I understand how it feels. If you stick with strict NC, have done everything in the past 3 years to get over it yet she's the only thing that pop up in your mind, what else can you do? You guys have gone through so much in 7 years, it's not easy saying time could heal.

 

Same here having troubles sometimes to deal with my lost of the 5-year relationship. Not for long though. I wasn't given an explanation about the break up and sadly it was ended through emails. I had a lot of questions at that time I wasn't sure what went wrong. Luckily I found out more afterward that he cheated and slept around. So I was strongly convinced that he was not good for me nor for anyone.

 

Sometimes break up is a blaming game. My ex blamed me for leaving him alone in Sydney (oh so he went cheating!). That's the way he got over me.

 

My point here is ... you need to find a way to give yourself a closure. Whatever it is a reason, a fact or a blame, stick with it and embrace your healing.