tkgirl Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 or just more patient... I recently heard from my "ex"... it's been about 4 months since things ended... this time! it's a long story... too long to get into here. Basically I really really like this guy, but sort of told myself that we are just in different places in our lives and that's why things didn't work out. But I never stopped thinking about him... not once in the last 4 months. And I don't think he's gotten over me yet either... because, well... here is what happened: On wednesday out of the blue I get this email from him... mind you, we have not talked in almost 3 months. Just to say hi and asked how I was. I replied and asked him the same... and he wrote back saying "I'm ok.. been better. You want the truth? I kind of miss you" I know, "kind of"! but for him that's kind of big (lol) I wrote him back and said "I've been thinking about you a lot lately too... maybe we should talk sometime?" and then he wrote "yes, I think that we should talk. When are you available?" So! sorry this is getting long... anyways, I wrote back and said something like he could call me anytime really, but that I did have some things going on this weekend. I also added that we didn't need to have a heavy duty serious talk, unless he had some things he wanted to say... but that I just wanted to see him. So that was last night and I haven't heard back from him. I don't know, maybe I made it too easy for him... but I just feel at this point we have known each other for a while and I don't need to "play the game" Or maybe he's having second thoughts? OR am I just freaking out over nothing... that he's just got stuff going on and figures I'm busy too like I said I was this weekend.... Anyways, he's got to call me right? I mean, he was the one that contacted me and told me he missed me and that we should talk etc... maybe he's stepping back a bit and he just needs some more time... right? somebody slap me!
EasyHeart Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Yup. The ball is in his court, so now you need to just wait. The important thing to think about now is: Do you want to get back together with him? It sounds like you do. If so, have you (both!) figured out what went wrong with your relationship the first time, and are you (both!) willing to fix it? If not, your next relationship will just be a repeat of the first. If you are interested in getting back together, I'd strongly recommend you talk in person, not on the phone. Keep any phone calls/texts solely to set up meeting for coffee or dinner. Keep things light the first few times you see each other again, to see if you're both feeling the spark, before you get into any deep talks about your relationship. That's what I would do! Good luck!
Author tkgirl Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Yup. The ball is in his court, so now you need to just wait. The important thing to think about now is: Do you want to get back together with him? It sounds like you do. If so, have you (both!) figured out what went wrong with your relationship the first time, and are you (both!) willing to fix it? If not, your next relationship will just be a repeat of the first. If you are interested in getting back together, I'd strongly recommend you talk in person, not on the phone. Keep any phone calls/texts solely to set up meeting for coffee or dinner. Keep things light the first few times you see each other again, to see if you're both feeling the spark, before you get into any deep talks about your relationship. That's what I would do! Good luck! thanks for your response.. but I am getting a little annoyed that I haven't heard back from him.. I mean out of the blue he tells me he misses me, we say we should talk and then... nothing? I don't know if I want to get back with him because he always was very flaky.. like he's being now! But then again I have missed him a lot too... I just want to see him and find out what's going on!!! grrrr.... I need to be more patient... but this is hard!
Island Girl Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Do not jump into things too quickly. You already made a mistake by bringing up "we should talk sometime" and then telling him to call "anytime". So now he basically knows you have no new relationship going on and will talk to him whenever he decides to put a very tiny little bit of effort in like dialing your phone number. You have to take things back to square one. ESPECIALLY if you want a relationship again.
Author tkgirl Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Do not jump into things too quickly. You already made a mistake by bringing up "we should talk sometime" and then telling him to call "anytime". So now he basically knows you have no new relationship going on and will talk to him whenever he decides to put a very tiny little bit of effort in like dialing your phone number. You have to take things back to square one. ESPECIALLY if you want a relationship again. I know.. I made it all too easy for him, didn't I? I just feel like we have known each other long enough that I we shouldn't have to play "the game" with each other... guess I was wrong? so how DO I take things back to "square one"? just wait it out...? why would he tell me he misses me and then just disappear again?
EasyHeart Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 That's a good point. I read somewhere that it's very normal for an ex to get nostalgic for you when things aren't going great for him/her after a break up, and especially if your ex is having problems with a new relationship. So if your ex ever calls out of the blue, remember that they are calling because it makes THEM feel good. It's not about you or your feelings, it's all about them. This sounds harsh, but it's true. And it's subconscious -- it's not calculated to hurt you (though, of course, it does!). Like Island Girl said, now he knows he can get you back anytime he wants, so that makes him feel good about himself. If he really misses you and wants you back, he would call. Or he would have made a date immediately upon contacting you. Don't give him power over your feelings! (Yeah, I know -- easy to say, hard to do! )
Island Girl Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I know.. I made it all too easy for him, didn't I? I just feel like we have known each other long enough that I we shouldn't have to play "the game" with each other... guess I was wrong? so how DO I take things back to "square one"? just wait it out...? why would he tell me he misses me and then just disappear again? I don't like the term "game". It is more like a dance. When the partners get out of sync it is a big mess. To get back on the same page we have to move at the same speed and if the "dumper" is the one contacting - then they need to match the speed of the "dumpee" who was hurt and SHOULD take time before they take the plunge. Appearing too eager to reconcile can call to mind all kinds of reasons the relationship failed. Sorry to say that but it is true. I have been in that position MANY times. See post below. I read somewhere that it's very normal for an ex to get nostalgic for you when things aren't going great for him/her after a break up, and especially if your ex is having problems with a new relationship. SO TRUE. Been there plenty of times. And acted on it with disastrous results. So if your ex ever calls out of the blue, remember that they are calling because it makes THEM feel good. It's not about you or your feelings, it's all about them. This sounds harsh, but it's true. And it's subconscious -- it's not calculated to hurt you (though, of course, it does!). Ahhhh exactly. It took me a long time to really consider the other person's feelings and how my contacting would seem to be a ray of hope to them. *sigh* And then when I was reminded of why it didn't work - or I got the feedback I was looking for and I found that was all I had wanted - or a new or current relationship flourished again (in an instant usually) - then those feelings of nostalgia would just turn off for me. I had no need of those past exes anymore. I know I know. I was a Royal Beyotch ripping hearts out all over the place. *another sigh* But it wasn't on purpose. I just did what I felt in the moment. Thankfully I have grown up since then - or grown out of that manipulative self serving stage in my life.
Author tkgirl Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 That's a good point. I read somewhere that it's very normal for an ex to get nostalgic for you when things aren't going great for him/her after a break up, and especially if your ex is having problems with a new relationship. So if your ex ever calls out of the blue, remember that they are calling because it makes THEM feel good. It's not about you or your feelings, it's all about them. This sounds harsh, but it's true. And it's subconscious -- it's not calculated to hurt you (though, of course, it does!). Like Island Girl said, now he knows he can get you back anytime he wants, so that makes him feel good about himself. If he really misses you and wants you back, he would call. Or he would have made a date immediately upon contacting you. Don't give him power over your feelings! (Yeah, I know -- easy to say, hard to do! ) OUCH! while I do get what you guys are saying, I'm not sure if that's what he is doing. He's not one to just say things like "he misses me" if he didn't mean it... and I think he wouldn't have agreed to "talking" if he didn't want to do that either... I mean, he did say "yeah... I think we should talk sometime soon" and then went on to ask when I was "available". When I responded back I was trying to play it cool... like when I said we "didn't have to have a heavy duty serious talk... let's just get together" and then I added the part about having stuff going on this weekend but let's figure something out soon. I really think he's just playing it cool back... but in any case, I realize by posting here and reading your response back to me that now all I can do is keep "playing it cool" too... and just wait to hear from him. "The ball is in his court" and if he really does miss me I will hear from him soon... if not then, well... time to really let him go! thanks everyone!
BCCA Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Ahhhh exactly. It took me a long time to really consider the other person's feelings and how my contacting would seem to be a ray of hope to them. *sigh* And then when I was reminded of why it didn't work - or I got the feedback I was looking for and I found that was all I had wanted - or a new or current relationship flourished again (in an instant usually) - then those feelings of nostalgia would just turn off for me. I had no need of those past exes anymore. I know I know. I was a Royal Beyotch ripping hearts out all over the place. *another sigh* Human nature is to be shortsighted, look for whats good right this second and not worry about 10 minutes from now. This is also a result of being young, and looking for that instant gratification. Unless someone points it out to you, your mind is going to unknowingly skip over the part about it being kinda selfish because you want to believe its ok. OP, I have been through a few of these calls before. Be wary, and he could very well mean he misses you, but that has nothing to do with whether or not he wants to reconcile. I'm of the mind that you should be as distant and coy as possible until he lays his cards on the table. Right now, he could want any number of things, and none of them could be good for you. Tread lightly
Author tkgirl Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 ... So I just got an email from him saying he'd "call me next week then"... and then added a It seems he really is just trying to "play it cool" with me too... FYI: HE was that one that ended things back in October... even though "we" acted like it was a mutual thing... even did the whole "we'll always be friends" thing etc. In a way I am glad that I get a little more time 'til I see him now... to help me figure out what I want to do etc... and maybe he will think about what he really wants too? anyways... thanks again everyone! and I'll keep you posted on what happens "next week"!
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