Chat Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 So 1/1/08 was the day my husband of one year and one month walked out on me for the woman who was his best friend. Of course he didnt say that - though he moved in with her - of course there was nothing going on - the 6 months of the affair that was happening before he left - the 6 months that I confronted both of them and even took the "lets just put it all out on the table like adults approach - ha! Apparently I was insane and should seek counselling - which I did He left - without explination - just gone - and she refused to return my call - her, the one at my hens night, the one who shot most of my wedding - his best friend of 15 years - her, the one that said I was her wonderful friend and she would never do such a thing to me - her, the one whose husband did the same thing to her that lead her to 3 years therapy, suicide attempts, oh no she could never put another human being through the hell he put her through....I have moved on, moved countries - met an amazing man...grown as a person, let it all go....... Then I find out from him they are pregnant (after 5 years trying for me and him and fertitlity treatment) - they are due in July. And I cant shake it - I cant be happy or even indifferent - whats wrong with me?
norajane Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 There is nothing wrong with you. This was extremely painful and takes a long time to get over. The hurt will be with you, fading slowly, day by day. Yes, one day you will get to indifference, but it's not an easy or quick journey. You will get there, though. Have faith, and work on getting your own life in order, work on developing your passions. You may even meet someone who excites you in a way you can't imagine right now. You will get there.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Sorry that you're hurting.. Those two deserve eachother..One day you'll look back and realize he did the best thing by getting out of your life. HIS LOSS, not yours. Take care of you and please don't isolate yourself. Reach out to your friends and family..
wheream_i Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Whichwayisup is right. As someone who has just been caught cheating myself (read my story in Yes, another cheater caught) I would have to say the worst thing to have say to you as the cheater is "You two deserve each other & it's his loss". To me those words sting like hell because it's the truth. What I've found from these message boards is that you are not alone in your pain. Take care.
Author Chat Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Thanks guys. I did move on - I found someone new - he is wonderful and what I consider to be the great love of my life (I know I sound like I am re-bounding but my marraige was over 6 months before it "offically" was. I have been with current guy for almost a year) and everything here in France is wonderful with my little french frog.... I have no family to turn to - both my parents passed in 08 (I am 27) so I was/am extremely isolated in this pain - and on the family front - as soon as my marraige was over his family never spoke to me again - not one time - not even a call to see if I was ok. I looked after their aging father with dementia for a year, was part of this family for 5 years - and then bam - nada - 2 months later my mother died - 4 months after that, my father. 2008 was one of the hardest years of my life. I dont want him, even if he came back now declaring the Gods had sent him I would tell him to fornicate himself. I just cant shake this feeling - I have spoken to him about it (as we are doing the divorce thing) and he says he is sorry for how it went down. It boils my blood that she NEVER took responsibility - and when I raise that he says she had nothing to do with it - we just didnt work. Yes clearly we didnt work - because for 15 years he loved somebody else - our relationship was over before it began. And to complicate my emotions - she was a friend - I knew her, and we spent time together - and, well here is the thing - I get why he loves her, because I loved her dearly as a friend, because I thought she was totally fabulous - and so to think that he loves her just makes sense to me because she is awesome (yes obviously not too awesome because of what she did but prior to this). For him - this is long done, I have asked for closure, before I left oz I asked to speak to them both, in a public place to get out how I was feeling, he would not allow it. He has always defended her, saying she has done nothing wrong...it makes me angry. And when he wants to be dimplomatic - he simply states "Its not for me to say if she has done wrong or not - thats for her to say" But of course all access to her was cut dead so I could never confront her after it all came to light... Is closure as it were really that important to the healing process??
pelicanpreacher Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 He's a lying cheating idiot and she's a slutting coward so don't be surprised to hear that their children have turned out to be some monstrous combination of the two for the fruit won't fall too far from the tree seeing how they cannot teach it the values of honesty, loyalty, or integrity if they don't possess these traits themselves! These values are but theories to discount and whims to abuse as their mood fits so their dark karma is destined to eventualy be interwoven throughout the fabric of their lives to be worn as the shabby garb of misery in consequence of their own vacuous true natures. As for yourself, you need to forgive them for the sake of releasing yourself from the bitter bondage of hate, pain, jealousy, or regret to which you enslave yourself in order to love the life you've been granted to live! Though you'll never forget what happened you must seek to completely leave the desolation of the past's familiar shores to discover the riches of a future beyond the distant waves. Good luck in your new relationship and bannish all thought of your ex, your former friend, their child, and lives from your consciouness forever!
blondesmiler Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Sorry to hear that, and that your hurting. There is nothing wrong with you, its just going to be a matter of time and some grieving. {{{hugs}}}
mishka1088 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I have nothing but upmost respect for someone in your position. You are dealing with a very hard situation, and I'm sure that you will get over this. And I thought that I was strong, lifting weights. Pfft. You seem to be harder than nails, and you found someone you're happy with. I'm sorry to hear about the fertility thing... how did it happen?
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Is closure as it were really that important to the healing process?? I think that Knowing the Truth is important to the healing process. Is that what you mean by 'closure'? But, really, sometimes you just cannot get the truth out of the people who own it. So, what can you do? You need to tell yourself that they are conniving SOB's and wish them luck with each other while you get on with making your happily-ever-after life. For what its worth, it is disgusting what the two of them put you through! To have a double betrayal like you had (from H and friend) must be very, very hard. I hate that they did that to you... obviously she knows she's done you wrong and cannot face up to that (or you). My feeling is that one day she will be so needy of your 'forgiveness' that She will approach You in order to get it. But do not absolve her at that time-- just shrug and say you are glad she showed her true colours and did what she did to get him off your hands, that they deserve each other, and you (who did nothing wrong) have moved on to a better person. I wish you strength.
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Then I find out from him they are pregnant (after 5 years trying for me and him and fertitlity treatment) - they are due in July. And I cant shake it - I cant be happy or even indifferent - whats wrong with me? It's almost like She is living the life You were supposed to have... that's why you can't shake it... but there's nothing wrong with you; you are merely processing this new information and putting it in your understanding. In time, their being together, having a baby, etc will just be mere facts, and will not hold the power to hurt you. This too, will pass.
2sure Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 You are a victim, with the violation that goes with being the victim of a criminal act. There is no figuring it out. To make it worse , the criminals were not strangers but people you loved. To one degree or another, we all find ourselves in that role at some point in our lives. Very few people enjoy the role or even choose to label themselves or think of themselves as victims. But you are. Thats why you will have a hard time moving forward from this emotionally. Like many victims of crime, you have gone unacknowledged. Your life has been violated and your soul has been changed. Even when we move on with out lives, and grow to be different people than we were - there are times when, looking back, I feel anger and sadness all over again - for the person I was. Acknowlege that you were a victim, you dont have to embrace it. Also, please please KNOW that even when we dont see it, the Karma train rolls on, it stops at every house.
Reggie Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Tjat type of gaslighting and double betrayal should make a person insane. You are normal. Hard to accept there are vampires like this in the world, outwardly appearing so normal and nice. Thye are both broken, messed up cowards. You may never get a heartfelt apology from people like this. They never look within and never take responsibility. The reality is you caught a break at your young age getting away from these a-holes. It's still painful, but your life would have been crap with this type of spouse. Take care.
Author Chat Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 Hey. I'm that girl who you said needed counseling from the other thread. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not right for a guy to leave his wife after being with her for so long - and then for him to leave you for his best friend. That's pretty strange. And I wanted to mention this: It's funny that you mention "counseling." You were telling me I was insane and I needed counseling. But I guess you know how it feels when people tell you that you need counseling because you love someone and you're hurt. Just wanted to state again - I never said you were insane - messed up - not insane. Thanks for your comments though and everyones - its hard but I am getting there.
SierraRose Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Absolutely...there is NOTHING wrong with you...
NoIDidn't Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Nothing is wrong with you, OP. I agree with Athena that some of your hurt stems from the fact that she is living the life that you signed up for when you married him. Its a bitter pill to swallow when our plans are changed for us. But you are better than they are by leaps and bounds. Never forget that.
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