Holding out hope

[Trucabelle]

I posted a few days ago about the separation in going through..more details in that one its under separation anxiety.. Brief summary..Together 7 years married 5 years one baby 4 months old that we tried 4 years for and did IVF. He was military on the verge of getting out and searching for a job on the outside. We were in the process of preparing to sell out house..with everything on his plate things just got worse both his half brother and full brother killed themselves within 2 months of each other. Right after his full brother died he said he fell out of love with me and pushed me away he stated at that time he wanted a divorce. We stayed in the same house for a month and a half sleeping in the same bed and hanging out just without physical contact he seemed uncomfortable with any from anyone. We fought off and on due to my anger over the situation he wanted me to go back to CA with our daugther and just start a life without him. But in the time it took to put the house up he had gone from divorce for sure to agreeing to a separation to figure things out to make sure this wasn't grief or anger that was causing him to believe he was out of love. So we are waiting for him to get vacay time from his new job in IL to visit to see if he needs more time to figure things out or to grieve or if we are going to get divorced.

 

So now its been one week since we've last seen each other. We went to tx to spend time together with his family and actually spent quite a bit of time alone we did get closer he was a lot more willing to kiss me or hug me he seem to have lost quite a bit of stress. We are in CA now with my family but the situation is too stressful in this house after talking to DH about it we decided that it would be best if we go back to TX to his family while he figures things out its a stable and safer enviorment and he said my family putting stress on me isnt benefiting our relationship and working on things b/c by the time he gets me on the phone im already angry. When we dont fight we do great but most of the time its me asking the same questions expecting to get a different answer or earlier this week i was convinced (thanks to my mom) that he was going to go find a new woman but he has told me several times he wants no one else and well he uses the deployments as an example of how i can trust him. So im over it now i know hes going to grab a few drinks tonight at a local pool hall and im okay with it i trust him.

 

The thing everyone is trying to explain to me here is that if he's calling me everday and its not just to discuss our daugther and talks to me like we were sitting right next to each other then i should take that as a good sign. Thats its only been a week so i cant expect leaps and bounds. My dad says men are hard headed and wont admitt things..like missing me if he didnt he wouldnt be calling as often as he does. Last night we were saying goodnight and i had already said night love you i was about to click off the phone and i heard him say love you. Im so confused i dont know how to handle this my faith is getting stronger in us everyday especially if we dont fight which we havent in a few days. But i still have that fear he is going to enjoy living by himself and not want us back. I know he wants his daugther and misses her he is a good dad. But its like since J died he just became so cold. I cant really talk to my parents about this because theyve been together 25 years same with his parents except his dad died a few years back same with our grandparents. So i dont know if i shouldnt worry too much especially since we arent even talking divorce anymore just separation..has anyone else been through this? Well week one down..11 more till we see eachother again (still hoping its sooner though).

 

Another thing..my heart wont let go of the feeling that he's just hurting and needs to spend some time alone that he does really love me its like the strongest feeling ever. I dunno. Well back to goign through boxes...

[sinkerswim]

aww your situation is a little bit like mine..not entirely though.

I lived with my boyfriend in Illinois for a year and four months.

I moved out there to be with him from Pennsylvania.

 

We did Long distance since May 2005...so I moved to Illinois in Oct. 2007.

We talked of marriage all the time..etc. This was our big step to getting married.

Well, back in December he decided he is just not happy anymore in the relationship...

Being mostly..little things aggravated him anymore..

me not being emotionally stronger..etc.

So he wanted to end things before it got too bad for him.

I DID NOT WANT THIS.

Because...I was happy with him!

 

We did everything together..he even came out to PA with me at Christmas... constantly tells me he loves me...cant keep his hands off me...

We were a very loving couple.

We had wonderful times together, very compatible in so many ways...

Then in January he said to me..that i cannot deny it anymore.. that I should think of moving out.

I had to respect his wishes.

It was the hardest thing to hear...

but I had to respect his wishes in all this... I told him I love you sooo much that I am setting you free.

So fast forward to end of January...

That is when I set the date to move out. I had to move back to PA..because I had nowhere else to go.

I didnt make enough money to stay in Illinois (where I REALLY wanted to stay) so I had to come home to stay w.my parents.

I DID NOT WANT THIS.

 

So..the last few days we were together...

we had many heart to heart talks.. and it was really hitting him.

He was crying..saying he was so sorry I had to move to PA..etc. He wished I could stay closer.

Then one night he took me to dinner..and wanted to talk.

He took my hand and said..

"I just want to tell you..that I want to call this a separation...I am not ruling out us getting back together again one day.... I do love you and do care for you very much...I just feel I needed to end things now before it got too bad for me where I didnt want to see you. Because I didnt want to get to that point in our relationship... I love you and your whole family..and I am so sorry that you have to go all the way back to PA...I am not putting all the blame on you..there is stuff I have to work on, too"

Then we talked more about things..

 

But the day I left.. we both cried and cried. We just held each other.

I told him I am always here for him..no matter what. To sort out what he has to in his life and mind.

We both agreed that distance would not stop him from seeing me again.

No matter where I am at..that distance wont stop him.

 

So..I moved Feb. 1st. Hardest day of my life so far.

 

We have kept in touch...through email and on the phone a couple times.

He tells me how much he misses me and loves me.

He thinks this separation is a good thing now.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

When time and money permits..he will fly out to see me.

But tells me to have patience in all this.

 

 

He gave me his word that distance will not stop him if he wants me back.

I keep thinking it will.

I am devastated..because I MISS HIM SOOOOO BAD... I Just wanted nothing more than to spend my life with him.

I miss our apartment, I miss going out with him, I miss holding and kissing him.

I miss his family, I miss my friends and my life in Illinois.

I told him..if he ever wants me back..I will take the proper steps next time to getting there.. (this time..having a job lined up for sure)

He thanked me.

 

So..in your case..you are so lucky to see you hubby again in 11 weeks...by then he will be so glad to see you!!

From what you say..sounds like he is confident in wanting to reconcile.

 

In my case... mine says he is not ruling out getting back together. That he thinks about it everyday. That he misses all the little things, too.

That he knows how compatible we are and that is so important.

I told him I am working on myself now..and he was so happy to hear it.

He said..he could tell by my phone calls and emails..etc.

 

But I am like you... what if he figures out..that he likes to be alone after awhile..and ends up finding someone else. Because I am so far away.

I HATE IT.

We were together almost 4 years now.

I miss him more than anything in this world. I am not a happy girl anymore.

I feel like my soul mate is gone.

So..I guess we should both just hang in there.

I can so relate being so far away.

But I had to respect his wishes.

When you love someone..set them free..and if they come back..it was meant to be.

I hope and pray that this is the case.

[edgeof27]

 

Sorry, tough to read; minor edit to make more readable,

 

I posted a few days ago about the separation in going through..more details in that one its under separation anxiety..

 

Brief summary..

 

Together 7 years, married 5 years, one baby 4 months old, that we tried 4 years for and did IVF.

 

He was military on the verge of getting out and searching for a job on the outside.

 

On the Verge, is he in or out..

 

We were in the process of preparing to sell out house..with everything on his plate things just got worse both his half brother and full brother killed themselves within 2 months of each other.

 

Tough time to sell, &, brutal losses for him,

 

Right after his full brother died he said he fell out of love with me and pushed me away he stated at that time he wanted a divorce.

 

Were there any waring signs that this was coming,

 

think...

 

We stayed in the same house for a month and a half sleeping in the same bed and hanging out just without physical contact he seemed uncomfortable with any from anyone.

 

doesn't seem like he really wants rid of you....

 

We fought off and on due to my anger over the situation he wanted me to go back to CA with our daugther and just start a life without him.

 

understandable due to everything you have been through...

 

But in the time it took to put the house up he had gone from divorce for sure to agreeing to a separation to figure things out to make sure this wasn't grief or anger that was causing him to believe he was out of love.

 

seems that time is helping to soothe the hurt feelings...

 

So we are waiting for him to get vacay time from his new job in IL to visit to see if he needs more time to figure things out or to grieve or if we are going to get divorced.

 

new job in IL, (thought he was in the military),...

 

So now its been one week since we've last seen each other.

 

absence makes the heart grow fonder, or, while the cats away, the cat will play,....

 

We went to tx to spend time together with his family and actually spent quite a bit of time alone we did get closer he was a lot more willing to kiss me or hug me he seem to have lost quite a bit of stress.

 

When, seems like the "timeline" is kinda mixed-up....

 

We are in CA now with my family

but the situation is too stressful in this house

after talking to DH about it

we decided that it would be best if we go back to TX to his family

while he figures things out its a stable and safer enviorment and

he said my family putting stress on me isnt benefiting our relationship and working on things b/c by the time he gets me on the phone

im already angry.

 

sorry, still seems a bit mixed-up, time-wise/location-wise,

 

When we dont fight we do great

we all do,

but most of the time its me asking the same questions

expecting to get a different answer

well, that's the definition of insanity; ie, doing the same thing & expecting a different outcome,

or earlier this week i was convinced (thanks to my mom)

that he was going to go find a new woman

my mother-inlaw made the same mistake, suggested I had a gf, wife went for it hook, line, &, sTinker,

but he has told me several times he wants no one else and

do you believe him,

well he uses the deployments as an example of how i can trust him.

deployment to where, don't know of too many great "hook-up" tours....

 

So im over it now, (over what....)

i know hes going to grab a few drinks tonight at a local pool hall and

im okay with it i trust him.

(it's Friday, he's hitting the bar, &, your okay with IT......hmmm),

 

what about asking him for some "us time".....

 

The thing everyone is trying to explain to me here

is that if he's calling me everday and

its not just to discuss our daugther and

talks to me like we were sitting right next to each other then

i should take that as a good sign.

 

okay, might need a bit moe work than just "taking it as a good sign",

 

Thats its only been a week so i cant expect leaps and bounds.

 

"day's turn into week's, turn into months, turn into years"....act now!!!

 

My dad says men are hard headed and wont admitt things..

like missing me if he didnt he wouldnt be calling as often as he does.

 

he's calling you to hear you ask him to come back......

 

Last night we were saying goodnight and

i had already said night love you

i was about to click off the phone and

i heard him say love you.

 

see, he was reaching out........

 

Im so confused, we all are.....

i dont know how to handle this, as long as it takes.....

my faith is getting stronger in us everyday

especially if we dont fight which we havent in a few days.

 

don't fight, discuss the situation rationally, slow down, breathe deep...

 

But i still have that fear he is going to enjoy living by himself and

not want us back.

 

he might, but worrying won't help, your actions will....

 

I know he wants his daugther and misses her he is a good dad.

 

But its like since J died he just became so cold.

 

he's scared.....

 

I cant really talk to my parents about this because

theyve been together 25 years same with his parents

except his dad died a few years back same with our grandparents.

 

try, they know more than you think......

 

So i dont know if i shouldnt worry too much

especially since we arent even talking divorce anymore

just separation..has anyone else been through this?

 

absolutely,

your not the first, there are 6.5 billion on the planet,

there's lots of help here,

just slow down,

breathe,

space it out,

make it easy to read, &,

you will get some great advice,

 

Well week one down..

 

days > months > years.....see above....

 

11 more till we see eachother again (still hoping its sooner though).

 

(earlier you say he's at the bar tonight), oh well......absence........

 

Another thing..

my heart wont let go of the feeling that he's just hurting and

needs to spend some time alone

that he does really love me its like the strongest feeling ever.

 

I dunno.

 

Well back to goign through boxes...

 

Trucabelle,

 

I think with some work, this can be saved,

 

he's hurting, he needs some time, he needs your support,

 

your hurting, you need some time, you need his support,

 

listen to the advice here, &, you may be able to pull it together,

 

g....

[edgeof27]

aww your situation is a little bit like mine..not entirely though.

I lived with my boyfriend in Illinois for a year and four months.

I moved out there to be with him from Pennsylvania.

 

We did Long distance since May 2005...so I moved to Illinois in Oct. 2007.

We talked of marriage all the time..etc. This was our big step to getting married.

Well, back in December he decided he is just not happy anymore in the relationship...

Being mostly..little things aggravated him anymore..

me not being emotionally stronger..etc.

So he wanted to end things before it got too bad for him.

I DID NOT WANT THIS.

Because...I was happy with him!

 

We did everything together..he even came out to PA with me at Christmas... constantly tells me he loves me...cant keep his hands off me...

We were a very loving couple.

We had wonderful times together, very compatible in so many ways...

Then in January he said to me..that i cannot deny it anymore.. that I should think of moving out.

I had to respect his wishes.

It was the hardest thing to hear...

but I had to respect his wishes in all this... I told him I love you sooo much that I am setting you free.

So fast forward to end of January...

That is when I set the date to move out. I had to move back to PA..because I had nowhere else to go.

I didnt make enough money to stay in Illinois (where I REALLY wanted to stay) so I had to come home to stay w.my parents.

I DID NOT WANT THIS.

 

So..the last few days we were together...

we had many heart to heart talks.. and it was really hitting him.

He was crying..saying he was so sorry I had to move to PA..etc. He wished I could stay closer.

Then one night he took me to dinner..and wanted to talk.

He took my hand and said..

"I just want to tell you..that I want to call this a separation...I am not ruling out us getting back together again one day.... I do love you and do care for you very much...I just feel I needed to end things now before it got too bad for me where I didnt want to see you. Because I didnt want to get to that point in our relationship... I love you and your whole family..and I am so sorry that you have to go all the way back to PA...I am not putting all the blame on you..there is stuff I have to work on, too"

Then we talked more about things..

 

But the day I left.. we both cried and cried. We just held each other.

I told him I am always here for him..no matter what. To sort out what he has to in his life and mind.

We both agreed that distance would not stop him from seeing me again.

No matter where I am at..that distance wont stop him.

 

So..I moved Feb. 1st. Hardest day of my life so far.

 

We have kept in touch...through email and on the phone a couple times.

He tells me how much he misses me and loves me.

He thinks this separation is a good thing now.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

When time and money permits..he will fly out to see me.

But tells me to have patience in all this.

 

 

He gave me his word that distance will not stop him if he wants me back.

I keep thinking it will.

I am devastated..because I MISS HIM SOOOOO BAD... I Just wanted nothing more than to spend my life with him.

I miss our apartment, I miss going out with him, I miss holding and kissing him.

I miss his family, I miss my friends and my life in Illinois.

I told him..if he ever wants me back..I will take the proper steps next time to getting there.. (this time..having a job lined up for sure)

He thanked me.

 

So..in your case..you are so lucky to see you hubby again in 11 weeks...by then he will be so glad to see you!!

From what you say..sounds like he is confident in wanting to reconcile.

 

In my case... mine says he is not ruling out getting back together. That he thinks about it everyday. That he misses all the little things, too.

That he knows how compatible we are and that is so important.

I told him I am working on myself now..and he was so happy to hear it.

He said..he could tell by my phone calls and emails..etc.

 

But I am like you... what if he figures out..that he likes to be alone after awhile..and ends up finding someone else. Because I am so far away.

I HATE IT.

We were together almost 4 years now.

I miss him more than anything in this world. I am not a happy girl anymore.

I feel like my soul mate is gone.

So..I guess we should both just hang in there.

I can so relate being so far away.

But I had to respect his wishes.

When you love someone..set them free..and if they come back..it was meant to be.

I hope and pray that this is the case.

 

SinkerSwim,

 

really you should "cut, &, paste" this into it's own thread posting,

 

that is if you are looking for advice,

 

g....

[Trucabelle]

We just got in a stupid fight he was telling me about how he confides in me because i am one of his only friends right now i took it as im only his friend so i kinda started pushing like asking what if you meet someone at the pool hall (wheres hes going tonight) you start talking to them like a friend a relationship develops where you want to talk to them more then me. He got mad and said i dont trust him that i was accusing him of wanting an emotional relationship with someone else he said that is wrong and hung up on me..i text him that he misunderstood and to call me which he did and said you have only chance to explain this to me..so i did i told him i was afraid that i wouldnt be his best friend anymore and he would find other people to tell his stuff to other than me he said yes he was going to make friends guys and girls and he was sure he would talk to them about stuff but still wouldnt be closer to them then me. I asked about if his new friends would know about us he said yes he would stick with the story that everyone else in IL knows..we are married he is just getting settled and thats why we arent with him..i shouldve taken that right? Nope i asked him well what if 2 months go by and they start asking or what if they ask why you dont wear your ring (he carries it with him in his pocket). He said so far no one has asked that. But he started to get more and more angry and every word i said was the wrong word finally he goes cant you get this through your thick head when i answer you stop adding on to it! He yells at me i still want a divorce and i f*@(@ hate you!! and hangs up now he wont answer my calls nothing..my bf is telling me he said it out of anger but i dont know im afraid now he's going to call off the separation and just head for divorce. Im so scared right now and hurting he wont answer my calls or my texts. He says he cares for me loves me as his wife and the mother of his child but yet tells me he hates me. i dont know if i should just give him what he seems to want right now and just file. I dont know.

[Trucabelle]

He texted me when he got in last night..he had cooled down quite a bit, we talked about what wes said and he said when i spin him up that much he will say hurtful things, but he said he didn't mean what he said.

 

He apologized and we talked about how fighting isn't going to get us nowhere. We are going to take this day by day and reestablish our communication since it seems we've had a breakdown since separating.

 

We talked for nearly an hour at 1am this morning, he told me about the pool hall he said he ended up shooting pool with a group of grandma ladies but got annoyed when the 21 group came in he said it made him feel old by being annoyed by them (we are 28), It was a good convo.

 

My confidence in us is there..when we fight it's shaken. Im going to try my hardest to take this one day at a time like he is and not run to far into the future thats what drives me nuts.

 

I know that he still loves me and he's struggling with huge life changes right now so all i can do is be there for him love him and work on building our relationship back up.

 

I know he is focused on trying to work on things..we've had a few rough patches during his deployments where time and distance made the difference but we came out stronger from it and I believe its going to work this time.

 

I just have to learn paientince..it should be easier in Tx to keep myself busy since I love being around his family and I can trust them with watching our daugther so i can go workout or do something out of the house.

 

We shall see..

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

My confidence in us is there..when we fight it's shaken. Im going to try my hardest to take this one day at a time like he is and not run to far into the future thats what drives me nuts.

 

This is exactly how I feel in my relationship. 16 years together and 5 kids later, one would think that I should not allow arguments and disagreements to shake my confidence in our marriage.

 

The one thing I have learned to focus on (from a parenting book of all places), is my emotional reactivity. Emotional reactivity is what prevents many of us from having the truly fulfilling relationships we want and deserve...

 

So, just continue to take it one day at a time, and remember you cannot change him or his actions. You can only change you, and your reactions. That way it doesn't matter if things work out great, or you end up apart, at least you will be able to say you give it your best...

[Trucabelle]

I am super frustrated today. I was good all day yesterday I gave him his space and didnt call him, he txt me a few times and i answered him if the comment needed an answer but for the most part i went on with my day. Finally it got to the end of the day he called me from bed he hadn't had a good day he wasn't feeling well so he sounded bummed on the phone and really tired i talked mostly about baby and my day he was just so quiet. I asked him if anything was wrong he said no he just didnt feel good and had a bad day. I asked him if he wanted to go to bed he said yes so we said goodnight and hung up.

 

I had a hard night with our daugther she was up crying and in pain (teething) so I didnt get much sleep. I called him this am to tell him about Pei and see if he had any suggestions i hadnt tried yet he said he didnt know and told me about his planned day that he needed a new labtop since his was running slow and locking up I dont know why he needs a new labtop why he cant just wait 2 weeks for the stuff he took to come in because theres a computer in there.

 

My mind just goes crazy over why he needs a labtop so bad. Anyways ive been in and out of bed whenever the baby will let me be. But he didnt really seem to want to talk to me last night or this morning and this is with me giving him space..is this what I can expect? Give him space he pulls further away?

 

 

I hate this stuff! If he wants his new life with his new job and his new place and all the new stuff he's buying then why doesn't he just fully let go of his old life? Why does he tell me he wants time to figure things out and we need to work on communicating? Why does he want family pictures to put up in his office and at his place? Why won't he just say im up here alone i dont want you lets get divorced?

 

 

This is so frustrating its only been 9 days yes I understand that. When all his actions point to he just needs time to grieve and figure things out..how do I not drive myself nuts while I wait? This is just a bad day..

 

 

***He just called me to ask about the labtop..he said if stuff hits the fan and we do no s*** get a divorce he would give me the new labtop or PC so he wanted to know which one i would want (went with the labtop). Sometimes when he says stuff like that it really makes me thing he doesn't want it to go in the direction of a divorce..and he really just needs time to grieve and get settled with this new job stress free..I dunnnnoooo...