Knight_Ctrl Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Failure, the word that has pretty much described my life for the last 4 months. I really thought J and I were going somewhere. Boy was I wrong, she very clearly doesn't want a relationship. And I only like her more all of the time. I probably wouldn't want to date me either so I guess its fair. I just HATE not getting a chance, the ex didn't give me a chance before she dumped my ass and J isn't giving me a chance either. Why do I have to comply with what everyone else wants but no one ever trys to play along with me? Why am I the one making the sacrifices. I should not have told J her how I feel about her, I should have kept my mouth shut, bottled those feelings and either tried to make them go away or secretly hope maybe she'd come around. This breakup **** has changed me. I don't know what I am anymore. I've had these downward slopes before, life being a roller coaster and all that. But at what point do I start on the rise again? Its been since the late half of October since things started being ****ty. When will I finally start winning at life instead of failing. How will it be tonight; working with J.....I know I'm still going to like her, and really although our conversation last night ended up hurting me.....it just made me like her more. She thinks exactly the way I want my girl to think, she is logical, she thinks ahead, and she can keep my crazy ass in order. I need someone like her. Maybe I don't NEED her, but I feel like I deserve a ****in chance. Maybe I should write some of this **** down and give it to her, I think clearly when I'm writing rather then when I'm babbling about over the phone. All I've ever been good at is essentially doing nothing and all I am to others is a bother. When is it my turn for success? When is it MY turn to get some sort of....something, why does everyone around me get to be successful and I just continue to fail again and again. Why the **** couldn't I figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life, go to school, meet a nice girl, get my own place. School.....I think was my biggest failure. In order to make that a success I need to go back to school. But before I go back to school, I need to figure out what the hell I want to do. J keeps telling me that I need to meet a nice girl that I deserve. With that logic shes saying I don't deserve her. That means she is either thinks she is better than me, or isn't good enough for me. I'm leaning more tword the latter on that which would imply that if I CHOOSE so, that I should get a chance. There is chaos in my heart. I dont have any idea what I want, where I'm going, when, what kind of person I am. Anything. My reality was ****ing destroyed by the ex. One girl, ONE GIRL. Tore down everything that I had thought I knew, loved, wanted. ONE GIRL was able to send me on a ****ing spiral into total ****ing no where. And here I am, giving someone else that kind of power. Why am I doing this to myself, why do I involuntarily give someone the ability to literally, destroy my life. And I don't mean kill my physically. But there is living and there is existing. There is waking up in the morning having something or someone to look forward to (living) and then there is waking up wondering why the hell you should even get out of bed (existing). How today could be any more different than the last. I feel used, shot down, rejected, unwanted, a burden. Yet I still don't want to kill myself. I feel like this is all a show now, and if things really are only going to get worse I want to stick around and see how bad they can be. I don't actively do anything to deserve any of this **** that gets thrown at me. Yet I continue to get hit with all of it. And here in a few months the last few of my friends are going away for colleges all around the country. I'll have 3 friends, and they are very busy. So great, I get that now. Maybe I should just pack up and go. Land a job somewhere that I know someone, like my friend in Arizona. Then just...go. Get the hell out of this redneck town, away from these people that I don't connect with, and away from my problems. Start off with a fresh slate. Or maybe I could move to Canada or something. Get out of this country that is going down the ****ter anyway. I don't know what I should do. But I know I need to do something, I can't continue to just go day by day wondering if its all worth it and having to ask why should I go to work. I don't even like my job, its just the only thing that is open to me currently. I need direction. Through all of this I've had three things that have always been there for me. My family, my spirituality, and my video games <3. I'm going to continue to like this girl, possibly more and more all of the time. But I don't want to be a bother to her. Seems like I have been successfully friend zoned......damn, I'll drink to that. *raises glass*. Last night she told me that there is a guy that she is waiting for to come around that she likes (not me obviously) but its been a year or more and he hasn't. Among a lot of other issues she says she has. Whatever, hopefully....eventually I'll get to that special place where I just don't care anymore. But from past experience that's right around when she'll start to fall for me. I'm not trying to sound emo, I'm not even very upset. Just more like astounded that.... I just can't win.
Adri Ana Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 I did not read all the story, but I read the last words . You just cant win ? You wont ever win if you make yourself believe in this . Never say it,Knight... __________________________________________ You will win. You will win . You will win . You will anyway win . As you want to win . You will win . You will win . There are weaker than you people who just win as they believe in it . You will win . You will win . You will win . Believe .
SYL Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 As difficult as it may be sometimes, and believe me I am experiencing a huge downward spiral, you have to keep positive. Positive thoughts and feelings bring about positive experiences. (((hugs)))
IcemanJB Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Knight, I'm here to give you some tough brotherly love. Everyone goes through a point in their life when they're searching for an identity; generally around the post-high school and college years. I'm at the tail end of this period, and can completely relate to how you're feeling. My Sophomore year of college was probably the hardest year of my life. An extremely close family friend died suddenly of a stroke in January - he was 45 years old and in very good shape. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer later that year. My girlfriend cheated on me and broke up with me at the end of that year; and to top it off I was on "strict academic probation" at my university, which meant I was going to get kicked out if my GPA didn't improve significantly. I was 100% completely lost, scared, angry, and had no idea who I was. Eventually I took the attitude of "I've been through all of this; bring it on life!" and just kept pressing on. I can honestly say I didn't let myself get bogged down by all that, and just dealt with it and moved on. That's really my best advice to you; your attitude of "I can't win" is not good, and frankly kind of pathetic. That's the first thing you need to change, before you make any big decisions about moving, school, etc. I realize just reading this won't motivate you necessarily; that's up to YOU. What good is it to be all bogged down with the victim mentality? What does that accomplish? Yes life can suck at points, but you need to just roll with the punches. As for the school thing, you don't need to know exactly what you want to get into when you start. My Freshman year (2004-05) I had NO idea what I wanted to study, so I took a broad range of classes. I decided over that summer I wanted to try to get into the business school. I started taking economics courses, accounting, etc...and I realized I hated it. Next I threw around the idea of being a Psychology major. I sucked at it. Finally my 2nd semester Sophomore year (after my GPA was in awful shape), I took an entry-level Computer Science course on a whim. I realized I'm good at it, and enjoy it for the most part. That became my major, and I will graduate this May with a FT job already lined up. You NEVER know what you'll like until you try a bunch of things. I highly recommend going to school; what is there to lose? I'm pulling for you Knight, as I'm sure others on this board are.
thegoodlife Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 **** are you serious? Why? What happened?
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted February 22, 2009 Author Posted February 22, 2009 I have been at that job for the last 4 years, one of the computers that I had not been on Friday night had its internet history deleted and since I am the most knowledgeable about computers down there they automatically blamed it on me told me I had to have been hiding something and **** canned me. Fired for the lack of proof of something to fire me with. ****!!!!
thegoodlife Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Isn't there any way you can prove that you weren't on that computer? Or do they not have video surveillance by the computers? If they are going to fire you over that they should have some proof. Making an assumption like that is ridiculous. I'm so sorry knight. I guess the only way to go from here is up. Start to pick up the pieces and move on. Post soon with an update!
Author Knight_Ctrl Posted February 22, 2009 Author Posted February 22, 2009 They have no proof other than their repeted statement of "you must have been" Its bull****, im going out tomorrow to find a better higher paying job that I enjoy, I'm going to make some money, get my own place, find a nice girl and stop failing at life.... Today however....is fallout 3 day.
IcemanJB Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 My older brother is addicted to that game. Have fun.
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