jj33 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 OMG I missed that about the loan. RUN RUN RUN. He wants his secret mistress to lend him 21,000? Where are his cousins and uncles and all the rest now? Get away and get away fast. And what do you mean by "I hope he will allow me to leave". How is this HIS decision? Its yours. Stop being passive about this and take control. And why do you have to move? What hold does this man have over you that you would give him so much power? Its obviously not financial, or he wouldnt need to borrow money from you. Tell him its over and go total NC.
signedin2008 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 This "story" is not only sad, but just ridiculous, if this indeed is a real story. How low, as in every way or form imaginable do you have to be, to allow a married man, who's so shameless to borrow money from you, the mistress, to father your future child(ren)? If (not saying that you do) you want a child, go the the sperm bank, go get a minimum wage worker at a fast food restaurant who's willing to sleep with you. At least they have enough dignity NOT to cheat and to borrow money from their mistress.
White Flower Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 He expects certain behaviour of me. I am to be 100% his. Ultimately he is angry because I don't want to borrow 21 thousand dollars from the bank and lend it to him. Apparently, I am disloyal and must not love him very much since I resist helping him financially (that's a whole other story and I have valid reasons to object). I just hope that he would allow me to leave in order for me to detach and heal myself. If not, I may just have to move for a while. IZZIE, run as fast as you can! Do not mistake his being able to read you like a book as love. He NEEDS you to believe that in order to get $$$ from you! If it weren't money, he would need you to believe that to get sex from you. How can ANY MM in his right mind DEMAND you be loyal to him when he is NOT loyal to you??? Heck, my exMM would NEVER ask what I was up to or who I was with. Fair is fair. Think of it this way: he wants to insure you don't catch anything so he doesn't pass it on to his W. He is respecting his W (which is only right) more than you and YOU do not get any benefit of cuddling with any other man at any other time like he gets to enjoy with his W. Drop him like a hot potato as fast as you can. Run, hide, and never let him enjoy the beauty of your presence ever again. And NEVER give this man money!
NoIDidn't Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 did I read this right, he is angry because you will not borrow 21 thousand dollars for him? Hello, YOU GOT A CON ARTIST ON YOUR HANDS< A man should NEVER ask you FOr MONEY... RUN!!!!! This evil con artist is about ripping you off, has nothing to do with a realtionship, or Loyalty, He is a scam!!! He is obviously manipulating you, do you not see this the the minute he asked for CASH????? Mino and I rarely ever agree. This is one of those rare occasions. This man wants you to exist to the bank, but not to his W and family? What a crock. OMG. I was thinking a man should NEVER ask a woman for money if he is sleeping with her and not offering her a firm commitment (like marriage) or making the deal with a lawyer present to draw up a contract for repayment. IZZIE you need that counseling! You are about to be ripped by a con. A very BAD con at that. Be grateful that you are not pregnant.
White Flower Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Mino and I rarely ever agree. This is one of those rare occasions. This man wants you to exist to the bank, but not to his W and family? What a crock. OMG. I was thinking a man should NEVER ask a woman for money if he is sleeping with her and not offering her a firm commitment (like marriage) or making the deal with a lawyer present to draw up a contract for repayment. IZZIE you need that counseling! You are about to be ripped by a con. A very BAD con at that. Be grateful that you are not pregnant.I think we are all in agreement on this one. He demands loyalty, but won't offer it in return. He demands money, and is angry she won't give it. He cannot even be told of a possible pregnancy because she fears what he'll do. He gets angry over possible break up to the point she hopes he'll 'allow' her to heal on her own. This is a very UNFAIR relationship and he seems to be the only winner.
bentnotbroken Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Damn straight. He needs to have a foot broken of in his butt. He is even more sickening than the usual.
Author IZZIE Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Man, oh man - clearly, I'm a sucker! Thanks for your strong reactions, I think I needed it... It's easy to become blind by not including my friends (except one) in what's going on. The obvious reason they are not included, is because I'd suspect they'd react the same way. It's crazy, really. He didn't have a strong hold on me in the beginning, but somehow that has changed over time. As you all say, in one way or another, it's time for me to take back the control of my life. I understand I must look extremely stupid. The comment that I should find any crappy ol' man who's willing to sleep with me and give me a baby, painted a pretty poor (or good) picture of this whole thing, and strangely enough, it made me laugh. I worried I was pregnant, but I wasn't. I am not desperate enough to either go to a sperm bank or to take any joe schmoe, in that case I'd rather be without children. The comment, however, made me think I'm probably viewed as some ugly ol' woman who'll do anything for love. Maybe there's some sort of truth in that comment though, that I accept too much in order to feel loved. As for looks, I'm lucky enough to turn heads. But, I think you're right - I should go to counselling to straighten out this pattern of self-destructive behaviour. I'm too deep in it to resolve it on my own. I shall call some counsellor tomorrow and schedule a first meeting. Just to make it clear though, I did say no to lending him money. He came by unannounced last night to apologize for asking me for money. Apology accepted, but I have told him I want out. I am aware that love is an emotion and that time will allow me to get over it. As for he 'allowing' me to get out - I know it's my active choice to cut all ties. I have tried half-heartedly to get out before, but as you know from my OPs, he doesn't take no very well and I have allowed it all to continue. However, the reason I decided to post here was to eventually open up (even if the first post revolved around another matter) and gain strength to make the right decision. Of course I know that my situation is unacceptable, but somehow it makes it easier to act after reading the reactions from you guys, even if I don't know you. cheers.
Island Girl Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I'm so glad the reactions here were the catalyst to you regaining a full life including socializing with friends (WHOEVER YOU WANT and WHENEVER YOU WANT) and possibly finding a fulfilling relationship with someone you can share picnics with, go to dinner with, introduce to your friends and family - the whole she-bang. You deserve so much and you were getting so very very little. I'm glad you made the decision to seek help and break free of the madness. Cheers to you as well!
jj33 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Izzie I can tell you first hand that it takes a decision that you are worth more. The man I was involved with has tried to come back (to an affair) more times than I can count. Acting each time as if of course I would still be game, sometimes having the courtesy to ask if we should try again. What has to happen is you have to get to a point where no matter how much you love him, you love yourself as well. If you are happy being the OW and dealing with his restrictions - then go for it. But there is no reason you should be as once someone is in love, they typically want more than to be a secret in someone's life, taking the little bits of time he has to offer as and when they are available. Compound that with a situation where he is imposing his strict cultural restictions on you and it sounds like a hairshirt. You read lots of threads on here about people who think they will "stay in the A" until the MM realizes that he should leave for them. Im sorry that is never what happens. People either are at a point where they want to leave or they arent. And you are either at a point where the A is causing you more unhappiness than happiness or you are not. If you are at that point then self preservation will cause you to get out of it. For me it was just a feeling that I couldnt live with the idea that it was unlikely to ever be more than it was. And I knew that staying with him and accepting less was only going to make him think less of me, it was not going to make him more likely to leave (but maybe that is just him). Even he couldnt understand why I would settle for a piece of a life with him rather than a whole life with someone else. After all they are not willing to give up their "whole" lives with their spouses. No they dont take no for an answer very easily but if you are set on the fact that you dont want crumbs anymore then it really doesnt matter what he thinks. I dont mean that harshly but many people, in my view particularly people who think having an A is their right, treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Because they have their best interests in mind first and foremost. Your interests are second in his mind to those of him and his family. So you need to look after you. Stand firm and he will eventually get the message. Its not that you dont love each other but that you have different needs. And the last thing you need is to be with someone who would isolate you but for your girlfriends. You deserve to lead a full life. After all he does, doesnt he?
NoIDidn't Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I'm glad you're getting out, but I hope our reactions weren't too strong. THey were more at him for his treatment of you than anything else.
White Flower Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Just to make it clear though, I did say no to lending him money. He came by unannounced last night to apologize for asking me for money. Apology accepted, but I have told him I want out. I am aware that love is an emotion and that time will allow me to get over it. As for he 'allowing' me to get out - I know it's my active choice to cut all ties. I have tried half-heartedly to get out before, but as you know from my OPs, he doesn't take no very well and I have allowed it all to continue. However, the reason I decided to post here was to eventually open up (even if the first post revolved around another matter) and gain strength to make the right decision. Of course I know that my situation is unacceptable, but somehow it makes it easier to act after reading the reactions from you guys, even if I don't know you. cheers. I bolded what will be the toughest part for you. You ARE special and beautiful and he in NO WAY is going to let you go. (Of course this means he won't make it easy) It will be very hard to ignore him, hurt him, and leave him. But do it for you. You deserve so much more. Hugs, WF. ps I'm glad that you took the harsh responses in love.
signedin2008 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I understand I must look extremely stupid. The comment that I should find any crappy ol' man who's willing to sleep with me and give me a baby, painted a pretty poor (or good) picture of this whole thing, and strangely enough, it made me laugh. I worried I was pregnant, but I wasn't. I am not desperate enough to either go to a sperm bank or to take any joe schmoe, in that case I'd rather be without children. The comment, however, made me think I'm probably viewed as some ugly ol' woman who'll do anything for love. Maybe there's some sort of truth in that comment though, that I accept too much in order to feel loved. As for looks, I'm lucky enough to turn heads. Well, it's clear that my comments get straight into your head. Ever think about telling his wife what's going on? Or would you rather stay selfish and not get into that type of "trouble?" You know what you did and you also know in your heart that eventually telling her is the right thing to do. If you were in her shoes, I can almost guaranteed that you would want/need to know. Completely end the affair first, and then do the right thing for the first time, inform his wife.
Author IZZIE Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 Well, I scheduled an appointment with a therapist today and I'm seeing her at the end of next week. I guess it's worth the money, bloody $100 for 50 minutes! It's all happening very fast - I haven't even had time to talk to him about it, more so than saying I want out. Do I need to talk to him about it? No, not necessarily at length as I've done that before without results, but I want to make clear to him that I am serious this time. Knowing him by past reactions to my weak attempts to get out, he will say ok and agree to a split and leave me alone for a couple of weeks, only to then come back twice as strong. That window gives me some time to gain strength and I will also be in therapy. Also, in about 5 weeks time, I'm going on a vacation to southern Europe and will be gone for about 10 days. I have gone on vacations a few times before during our time together, but being apart has not helped me staying away. However, this trip is different. I am meeting up with a friend of mine who is an extraordinary woman in so many ways. She's a strong Christian, and if I can work up the guts to tell her about my past couple of years, she can be the support I so need. I have great respect for her and I have such a need to come back to where my mind, soul and heart was before I moved home after a total of 11 years abroad. Knowing that I will see her soon, makes me stronger and it makes me want to clean up my act so that she can work with me. As some of the OP says, God does not turn his back, but my repentance is necessary.
White Flower Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Good for you! I'm so glad to see you took yourself back. And remember - it probably won't add up to $21,000 after all is said and done. What a good point! IZZIE, enjoy your trip and use this time wisely. Get your mind together and take care of yourself.
bentnotbroken Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Well, I scheduled an appointment with a therapist today and I'm seeing her at the end of next week. I guess it's worth the money, bloody $100 for 50 minutes! It's all happening very fast - I haven't even had time to talk to him about it, more so than saying I want out. Do I need to talk to him about it? No, not necessarily at length as I've done that before without results, but I want to make clear to him that I am serious this time. Knowing him by past reactions to my weak attempts to get out, he will say ok and agree to a split and leave me alone for a couple of weeks, only to then come back twice as strong. That window gives me some time to gain strength and I will also be in therapy. Also, in about 5 weeks time, I'm going on a vacation to southern Europe and will be gone for about 10 days. I have gone on vacations a few times before during our time together, but being apart has not helped me staying away. However, this trip is different. I am meeting up with a friend of mine who is an extraordinary woman in so many ways. She's a strong Christian, and if I can work up the guts to tell her about my past couple of years, she can be the support I so need. I have great respect for her and I have such a need to come back to where my mind, soul and heart was before I moved home after a total of 11 years abroad. Knowing that I will see her soon, makes me stronger and it makes me want to clean up my act so that she can work with me. As some of the OP says, God does not turn his back, but my repentance is necessary. That would be me. I believe you are sincere and looking for your path to real happiness. Let your friend help you. She will be a great source of support and strength. And she will help you steer your way through the coming emotions..
jj33 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 What Bent said. Also in terms of what to say to him. You dont need to say anything more. You dont need to convince him that it is over. You need to convince yourself. Besides the more you say the more it shows that you are not convinced. After all how much of a reason do you need not to want to take crumbs from a controlling married man? This is wrong. I cant do this anymore. End of story. Once you are sure it wont matter what he does. Block his number, block his emails or just dont answer. If you want to answer once and say please dont contact me anymore then fine. Bottom line is what he thinks no longer matters. His opinoins no longer rule your actions. let him go talk to his wife about how much he misses you. He is no longer in your life but you can wish him well with his.
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