CAMAYPARK Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 1. If your A/R ended tomorrow with your MM/MW, can the friendship remain? 2. Do you expect to be married after your MM/MW has finally divorced? I am merely wondering, especially Q1. xMM said that he can't remain friends with me after our R has ended, well, at least not for a long time.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 1. If your A/R ended tomorrow with your MM/MW, can the friendship remain? It isn't fair to the betrayed spouse if the cheating spouse is friends with ex-om/ow. I'm sure that's a big reason why your exMM doesn't want a friendship with you. He probably 1)can't handle it, 2)feels it's not fair to his wife 3)wants you to move on and find love with someone else, 4)doesn't want your friendship as it's just a reminder of what he did to his wife and marriage/kids/family. I am merely wondering, especially Q1. xMM said that he can't remain friends with me after our R has ended, well, at least not for a long time. NOONE can be friends after a break up. Affair or a regular relationship. Not until the romantic and love feelings disappear, and even then, what's the point of hanging onto a friendship with an ex, especially an ex affair partner? Ask yourself WHY you want friendship from him? Don't you think all that's going to do is keep you inlove with him, wanting him, preventing you from moving on, healing and letting go of him?
Author CAMAYPARK Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 WWIU, in a way I agree with you. What if you were friends with your MM/MW long before you had an A. Couldn't the both of you put aside all the other feelings and just be friends, platonic? And what about Q2?
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Most can't go back to being platonic and innocent friends, after a break up or in an affair setting and that kind of break up. You two crossed lines and boundries by having the affair.. Any sort of friendship between you two isn't good for his marriage. I'm sure his wife would NOT like you two being friends. It doesn't matter if you two were platonic friends before the affair, that doesn't count anymore. There's a third person who WILL be affected by the friendship, his wife. If you stay friends with him, all it will be is a different kind of affair, emotional one with feelings.. I've not been an OW so I really can't answer that question. But, if I were in your situation right now, and he left, and divorced so he could be with me, I would have really hard time trusting.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Couldn't the both of you put aside all the other feelings and just be friends, platonic? I guess it's possible to be 'just' friends, but not until ALL the feelings fade and any emotional connection disappeared. Though usually by that time, you won't want a friendship with him because of all that's happened between you two. The pain, the lies, heartache, running and sneaking around... That's alot to get over and overcome to start a platonic friendship. Again, don't you think him being in your life will prevent you from opening your heart to another man?
mmk1 Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 1. If your A/R ended tomorrow with your MM/MW, can the friendship remain? No, because just like any other breakup, chances are one person has stronger feelings for the other that simply will not be reciprocated, causing anquish and heart ache, just like any other R that ends. Look back and see how many exs you were able to remain friends with. Same thing. 2. What if you were friends with your MM/MW long before you had an A. Couldn't the both of you put aside all the other feelings and just be friends, platonic? NO. I was friends with my OW for 7 years prior to our 3 year A and can safely say we were best friends for the three years leading up to the A. Simply put, the friends thing will not be friendship you had before the A which will disappoint and frustrate one or both of you. Plus see the above, it just doesn't work. I could not sit across from her and pretend the A never happened and know that I could not even kiss her again. In short, trying to be friends will only hold you back from moving forward and cause yourself alot of pain.
NoIDidn't Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Per Q1, I am in agreement with the other posters, so I won't add anything there. But Q2 has me wondering about your sanity, Girl!!! It seems you are hoping to marry him ~someday~? Well, if there is no friendship to return to because of lopsided feelings, isn't hoping to marry him one day proof that you feel too strongly for him (not platonic) to have a friendship and will put pressure on this friendship for it to be something that its not? What is the point of Q2? I've assumed that it means that you want to marry him one day but are facing opposition in that he doesn't even want to be your friend. Am I way off? (Please don't take my light hearted approach as a bash. It is not intended in that way at all.)
Sandy223 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Hi ... everyone's situation is so clearly different, but IMO, you cannot be friends with the MM after the affair ... being involved with a MM is very difficult and complex, and I think maintaining the friendship is like continuing the affair. E.g., it will still keep you in that uncertain and confused state of being ... better to move on entirely.
Author CAMAYPARK Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Sorry, if I came across this thread wrongly. I am merely curious as these are some of the issues I have read and come across on other boards too. Answering my own questions 1. Can we be friends? I agree with everyone,personally, I think initially especially where feelings and emotion are involved, its heartbreaking but after some healing time and especially if the friendship is really strong, the friendship will and can prevail, someday. My 2cents worth 2. Marriage? I have read most of the threads on these boards and it seems that all roads lead to this. Personally, I don't need marriage nor do I want to seek it out. I don't think that I am the marriage type material, I am too set in my ways and enjoy my privacy too much:laugh:, like I have always said, I rather have TIME
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