draven1980 Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 So here's the story. This takes place the week of Valentine's Day. I told my wife that once I got off work I was going to do some grocery shopping for the kids and needed her 'baby stuff' coupons that she always keeps in her purse. She forgot to give them to me when she left and didn't take her purse with her. So I went into her purse and looked for the coupons and found a condom and another guys phone number. Needless to say I was pissed. I questioned her about that night and her response to me was that this guy gave it to her when he was hitting on her after she told him she was married. The biggest bs excuse I ever heard. With the price of condoms these days, what guy gives them away if he is not getting any? So I decided to dig deeper, I got his phone number and asked if he gave her the condom and he said no, but admitted to hitting on her and giving his number. So then after a few days of sitting on all this, I called him and he told me that had went to his house about a week ago and she and a few friends played strip poker with him. He continued to tell me that she proceeded to make out with him and eventually gave him head. I asked him politely if it went any further and he said no because he didn't feel right about it. I also concluded that the condom was one of ours and she intended to go back to his house and use it. So I confronted her about without letting her know that I knew everything, she told me that she had nothing to say. Once I told her that I knew everything, she looked at me like a deer stuck in the headlights. I told her that because of the actions she took, if things came to a divorce that courts would not award her custody of the kids and that I would have the option to choose wether or not I want her to see them. We had a long talk and I realized that I may not have been the best husband I could've been to her, but that didn't justify her actions. We agreed to take marriage counseling and try to work things out. Then one night she tells me that during all that going on, her selfish side wanted to keep me around to watch the kids while she goes out and dates around. That scared me. I had already lost my respect and trust for her and then she tells me this. I thought to myself, I'm giving you a second chance and then you say that and make me second guess my decision. I told her that I wasn't going to prevent her from going out and hanging with her friends, simply because if I did, how was she ever going to rebuild my trust in her; but that if I find out that she is playing me for a fool and dates around then she will come home and find all my stuff packed and gone. I told her then next time she heard anything from me would be in court for a divorce. Was I wrong for giving her a second chance? Should I have left then when I found out? What should I do?
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Stay with the hard line. let her know her BS wont be tolerated I know if any woman told me what she said to you she would have been thrown head first to the curb!!! She wants you to stay home and watch the kids while she gets banged out by other dudes??? WTF? did she say that? That's an instant divorce right there! I say go see a lawyer and know your rights it doesnt sound like she even wants to be faithful. There's no remorse no I'm sorry. What's the point of being married to someone like that?
lostsunsets Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Then one night she tells me that during all that going on, her selfish side wanted to keep me around to watch the kids while she goes out and dates around. What a horrible thing to say. She is literally telling you that she is going to cheat if the opportunity arises. She just has to keep you from finding out. My friend, Valentines day wasn't a week ago. You found out that she had another mans penis in her mouth. You knew that if you didn't find out she would have hunted him down and opened her legs for him. I told her that I wasn't going to prevent her from going out and hanging with her friends, simply because if I did, how was she ever going to rebuild my trust in her; but that if I find out that she is playing me for a fool and dates around then she will come home and find all my stuff packed and gone. I told her then next time she heard anything from me would be in court for a divorce. So far you showed her that there were no consequences to her actions. Was I wrong for giving her a second chance? Should I have left then when I found out? What should I do? Not if she has shown sorrow and contrition. But to turn right around and ask you if she could still party with her friends (the same friends that were involved in the strip poker game I imagine) shows that she has no concern for your feelings. I can't believe that you don't see what is going on with her. And don't you leave. Throw her stuff out of the door and make her leave. Send her to her parents. And when they call tell them that their daughter gave oral to some stranger and was pursuing him with your condoms to screw him. Then tell them that her major concern after that was if she could still go out and party. You need to get serious about your marriage. She is treating you like a doormat. She needs to understand that she is on the verge of losing everything. BE STRONG, if you want to keep your marriage.
Lucky_One Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Two thoughts here. Sounds like she figured out that you were just spouting off at the mouth about your empty threats about you getting total custody and having the option of deciding whether or not she would ever see the kids. If you let her go to "rebuild trust", though, then you are being crazy. SHE is the one who needs to rebuild trust with you, and going out with other guys is not the way to do it. I would suggest trying to come up with a way for a trial separation; she can work on her necessary child care on her own time without using her husband as a cuckolded babysitter.
mark982 Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 once you had me at the "she gave him head" part. that's it your done.she's gonna play you for a fool.do you honestly think she just wants to go out w/ her friends?she should be sucking up to you big time.
SRV Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Why buy a car and sit in the driveway if you will never drive it? She had a condom in her purse, I don't know but from that I think she has already cheated if not with him, someone else. She gave head to that dude, by the way, I don't think he told you the whole truth. Its upto you to decide what to do, for me, head to another man that you talked to and you will kiss her, yuck:sick:
Dexter Morgan Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 once you had me at the "she gave him head" part. that's it your done.she's gonna play you for a fool.do you honestly think she just wants to go out w/ her friends?she should be sucking up to you big time. he should be locking her out of the house with all her belongings on the front porch, lawn, ...whatever. Also it wouldn't hurt to document all the times she makes him watch the kids while she goes off cheating. Cuz if he ever does get divorced, it might be the only thing that helps him with custody.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 From what you wrote, you were totally wrong to give her a second chance. Because it doesn't sound like she's remorseful, or that she's even moved beyond being defensive and indignant about being caught with her pants down. Second chances are for cheaters who apologize profusely for their betrayal and pledge to do whatever they have to in order to rebuild the trust they destroyed. Doesn't sound like that's her. I'd kick her out.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 I called him and he told me that had went to his house about a week ago and she and a few friends played strip poker with him. He continued to tell me that she proceeded to make out with him and eventually gave him head. I asked him politely if it went any further and he said no because he didn't feel right about it. Oh, but "head" was ok. What an angel:o I also concluded that the condom was one of ours and she intended to go back to his house and use it. Then why was it in her purse??? Dude, take the blinders off. It was in her purse so she'd have one just in case while she was away from you. So I confronted her about without letting her know that I knew everything, she told me that she had nothing to say. Once I told her that I knew everything, she looked at me like a deer stuck in the headlights. I told her that because of the actions she took, if things came to a divorce that courts would not award her custody of the kids and that I would have the option to choose wether or not I want her to see them. Well I wouldn't say that is true, but if you document her leaving you alone with the kids so she could f##k other men, then I'd say you have a good chance at custody. We had a long talk and I realized that I may not have been the best husband I could've been to her, but that didn't justify her actions. We agreed to take marriage counseling and try to work things out. Then one night she tells me that during all that going on, her selfish side wanted to keep me around to watch the kids while she goes out and dates around. Dates around.....translation, she wanted to be a serial cheater with multiple men. That scared me. I had already lost my respect and trust for her and then she tells me this. I thought to myself, I'm giving you a second chance and then you say that and make me second guess my decision. She doesn't deserve a 2nd chance, especially after that comment. I told her that I wasn't going to prevent her from going out and hanging with her friends, simply because if I did, how was she ever going to rebuild my trust in her Actually, if she was interested in fixing things, she'd voluntarily refrain from going out with friends. At least doing things like clubbing, going for drinks and all that. And coming home at the wee hours of the morning are unacceptable. To rebuild your trust, which she will never get from you 100%, she needs to show you she is wanting the marrige....and going out and partying with friends isn't showing that at all. Was I wrong for giving her a second chance? I believe so, yes. Should I have left then when I found out? No, you should have made her leave. 1
In Like Flynn Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Wow!!! She said that!!! Where did you find this girl??? And what is her problem?? It doesn't sound like she is remorseful and not likely to stay faithful by what she said. Good Luck.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Then one night she tells me that during all that going on, her selfish side wanted to keep me around to watch the kids while she goes out and dates around. That scared me. I had already lost my respect and trust for her and then she tells me this. I thought to myself, I'm giving you a second chance and then you say that and make me second guess my decision. I told her that I wasn't going to prevent her from going out and hanging with her friends, simply because if I did, how was she ever going to rebuild my trust in her; but that if I find out that she is playing me for a fool and dates around then she will come home and find all my stuff packed and gone. I told her then next time she heard anything from me would be in court for a divorce. Was I wrong for giving her a second chance? Should I have left then when I found out? What should I do? She is trying to tell you that she is no longer in love with you. Listen to her. Your marriage is over... You need to be the one who ends it, not her! Otherwise she wont pull the plug until she has someone else lined up.
pelicanpreacher Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 She is trying to tell you that she is no longer in love with you. Listen to her. Your marriage is over... You need to be the one who ends it, not her! Otherwise she wont pull the plug until she has someone else lined up. This is the best advice on this thread!
LakesideDream Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Draven, Sometimes the most difficult thing you can do in life is take care of yourself. Your wife has serious problems. She is in all probability not going to be a good wife, now or in the future. Three years might seem like a long time, I promise you it's not. Take care of yourself. Remove yourself from this bad situation and try again, and luck to you.
Gunny376 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 It really is a matter of ethics and morality isn't it? You couldn't pay an honest person enough money to lie, cheat, steal, and all morality and ethics is personally holding one's own self accountable to a higher standard ~ a personal code of drawing the proverbial line in the sand. The thing is? Once you've danced with the Devil, you don't change him, HE changes you. Once you've crossed that line ~ there's no going back. You may be one of the hand few that changes forever ~ but in general? Once a cheat? Always a cheater. Once you tell one lie, you've got to tell another, and a another, and another to cover the orginal lie. Its all down hill from there! Once one spouse cheats? Forevermore the rest of your life you will be wondering? There will always be that little angel/devil on either shoulder putting doubt into your mind? "Is he/she really at work, at her grandmothers house, her mothers house! Granted you might not have been the best husband, Hell if I had known thirty years ago what I know now? I probally wouldn't be divorced even factoring my wife's insecurities, lack of self validation, confidence etc. Don't you see? Its not that you failed your wife, your wife failed you. She's an "attention hog" and no matter what you did or didn't do, no matter what you do or don't do ~ its never going to be enough. Its not about you its about her own insecurtites about her self! She's got to go outside of the marriage to "validate" that she's still got it and she's still has what it takes to make it. Men don't have this problem because with or without a woman? We've got to "Get her done" Men don't have the option that some women have!
Gunny376 Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 I didn't mean to imply you wronged her in my previous post, but after I read it? It was too late to change it.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Gunny your right we gotta mold this man to "MAN UP!" he wont take the initative.
jnj express Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Hey draven, how about an update on your situation. Is your wife showing proper remorse, have you set some hardlind boundaries and is she following them, and i hope you said no to her going out with the girls, or barhopping or whatever she wants to do. What have you decided to do about the situation
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