sxyNYCcpl Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Hypothesis: More often than not, affairs are a symptom of deeper relationship issues rather than the cause of relationship issues. Discuss.
LostLamb Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Can it not just be greed? Or a person feeling bored? I don't like the idea of always blaming the relationship if someone strays as I think we all have choices in life. Deciding to keep it in your pants is upto the individual.
NoIDidn't Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Marriages involve individuals. Individuals bring baggage into marriages and other relationships. Affairs are outgrowths of that baggage. The baggage from one of the individuals in the marriage. Anyone who thinks that the marriage has all the issues and absolves the individual for the choice of cheating is either the cheater or the cheater's special helper.
sadintexas Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Hypothesis: More often than not, affairs are a symptom of deeper relationship issues rather than the cause of relationship issues. Discuss. Since it's worded "More often than not" I'd agree with this hypothesis.
pyroguy Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Hypothesis: More often than not, affairs are a symptom of deeper relationship issues rather than the cause of relationship issues. Discuss. Then, you being a swinger answer this. If an affair is a symptom of problems in the marriage, then wouldn't those folks NOT be a good candidate for swinging? since swingers always preach that marriages should have no issues before swinging. Yet, they very often then suggest swinging as an option to cheating, like you may have suggested in the other thread. I always thought this was somewhat contradictory, and why I don't think even swingers are as honest as they make themselves out to be.
Geishawhelk Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Hypothesis: More often than not, affairs are a symptom of deeper relationship issues rather than the cause of relationship issues. Discuss. It's not hypothesis. It's absolute fact. With one caveat: Even the deeper relationship issue, is an excuse. Human beings are not programmed to be monogamous. We are mammals. The vast majority of mammals are neither faithful, nor monogamous. But we create a huge amount of problelms, issues, agendas and baggage for ourselves, because we have something other animals in the order of mammalia haven't got: The ability to reason. We have logic, emotions and cognitive behaviour. So we over-complicate our lives with morals, ethics, social standards and niceties, guidelines, laws and religion. Now. I'm not for one moment saying we shouldn't. But everything has a plus/minus side. Whilst we need structure and boundaries, in order to function as a cohesive society, these same rules and reg's can impede our movements to the point of emotional strangulation. The main point is, we screw around because we want to. It's part of our hard-wiring. Desire is a natural trait, and we like sex. Emotively speaking, we don't feel validated, understood, happy, satisifed or comfortable in our one-to-one relationships. So we seek all that, elsewhere, too. (I told you we were complicated.) Commitment is a conscious decision we make when we devote ourselves to one other significant partner, and that partner alone. But it goes against the grain. Some however, have no problem keeping to that. Others respoect their partners enough to resolve the issues that arise. For the majority, however, exiting monogamy is a welcome, enticing and tempting conclusion. The plaintive cry "I couldn't help it, it just happened!" is bewelsheet. Every thought, word and action is a choice. Every single one. Desire may be natural. Commitment is a choice. And thus it follows, that so is the response to the temptation.
DayDreamer75 Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Geishawhelk - this is one hell of a post . I like it ...
pyroguy Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Yes, that post is fairly accurate, except the "emotional strangulation". Do you really think not banging someone new is really strangulation and means an unfufilled life?
Geishawhelk Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 No. What I mean is, that we "use" emotional reasoning to justify our (or 'their) physical actions, thereby succeeding in tying ourselves in such knots it takes a qualified psychologist or counsellor to unravel them. We spend years, months, lifetimes in therapy seeking the answers to questions associated with all manner of emotional problems when in point of fact the fundamental reason might be very simple. In fact, it usually is. But because it really is actually very simple - we simply can't accept that it could be that simple - so we actively seek complex issues to justify the fact we were unfaithful. "Because I felt like it" may be the most honest, most direct, most natural and most simple answer there is - but it's just so obvious and in-your-face, that it can't possibly be true...... .....can it....? Yup. It can.
Author sxyNYCcpl Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 Then, you being a swinger answer this. If an affair is a symptom of problems in the marriage, then wouldn't those folks NOT be a good candidate for swinging? since swingers always preach that marriages should have no issues before swinging. Are you asking me if I think a couple still dealing with/recovering from an affair is a good candidate to try swinging? Generally speaking, no. There have been successful exceptions to that rule, but they are exceptions. Yet, they very often then suggest swinging as an option to cheating, like you may have suggested in the other thread. I always thought this was somewhat contradictory, and why I don't think even swingers are as honest as they make themselves out to be. I have never been enamored with the idea that "we swing so we don't have to cheat" though I acknowledge it exists. I won't defend it. My statement in the other thread had more to do with our societies refusal to acknowledge there is more than one way to live that works, not an endorsement of that way of life for anyone. My hypothesis in this thread, frankly, applies more to traditional relationships, and it's been a thought I've had for awhile that I wanted to explore. Whenever I hear of an affair happening to someone I know, I tend to question what was broken that caused the affair in the first place. I don't think swingers as a whole are any more or less than honest than "normal" people, though in my experience the communications and honest between spouses is higher. Not universally true, but generally.
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