Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 1. Yes you crave affection, everyone craves affection. Everyone feels as though they're hornier than everyone else. You're not! 2. Being able to be friends with guys is very important. These decent guys that you don't feel so many sparks with may be friends with other decent guys. You've gotta establish a co-ed cliche. Good points... I like these the best of the seven bad habits 2. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love: Love and Lust are different. If you view someone in a pure dating context you'll think yo're in love when you may just be in lust. 6. Dating Can Create an Artificial enviroment for Evaluating another Person's Character. Its an artificial environment that doesn't require a person to accurately portray his or her negative characteristics. 7. Dating Often Becomes an End in itself. People who are good at dating get comfortable with it and date for years without it going anywhere. Wasting their and their partner's youth. Some of the others on the list are problems only with bad relationships, not all of them, IMO. I don't have a problem with looking at this from a Judeo-Christian perspective at all... I'm not religious but I sometimes look at relationships similarly to religious people. Out of curiosity, what does the author suggest as an alternative to dating relationships?
MN randomguy Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Out of curiosity, what does the author suggest as an alternative to dating relationships? I have a hard time really fleshing it out. I think I'll get a better idea by the end of the book. He doesn't directly tell you not to date, but to adopt his attitudes and be really intentional. Joshua Harris, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" That's the book. The second book is titled "Boy meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship" Which doesn't bode well for me because I don't come from a supportive family I can trust like he seems to. But, he gets married between books 1 and 2. He and his wife are on the cover of book 2 and she's quite attractive. So, it might be motivation to keep reading.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 ok, ok, i will stop being so extreme and say that you might meet someone by a common interest, or something along those lines(through hobbies/work/volounteering/common friends). You still have to be open to just feeling each other out and becoming friends first. iI mean, in a traditional "dating" relationship or otherwise, I don't know how else you would get to know a person... correct me if i am wrong.
Stockalone Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I don't want good times, if it doesn't lead to anything! That's the premise of my OP. I guess I am just pigheaded. Since not many people tried to address that point, I'll give it a try. There are people for whom meeting new people is enough of a reward when they date. If those encounters lead to a platonic friendship or a romantic relationship somewhere down the line, even better. That is an additional bonus. The journey itself is rewarding enough for them to enjoy dating. However, it doesn't work like that for everyone. I tried that and it didn't appeal to me. I understand that this is a result of my attitude and the expectations I have when it comes to dating. People like me will ideally only date when there is a clear romantical interest and the goal is a relationship in the not so distant future. Whether or not the person they just met is the right one for a relationship, remains to be seen. Hence, investing time, thought and attention is what is necessary in order to get to know someone to find out if that person is the right one. But, when dating doesn't lead to a relationship, the process of dating is seen as a waste of those aforementioned resources. Or at best a zero sum game if you learn something new about what you like or dislike. For them, having met new people isn't a good enough return on their investment. The journey isn't the reward in that case.
calazhage Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Why would a man date without trying to conquer? I don't get it. I have better things to do than hang out with strangers and have superficial conversations, while watching my manners. I can work, read, learn a new language, go to the gym, go out with friends, have sex, or just relax. So, I dislike dating women who just date "for fun". If dating does not have a purpose, then what is the point? Attention?
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 yeah, I get that. Not everyone things the same, and not everyone has patience. I also don't think that a mindset like that is set in stone, it can change. (That goes both ways). It's the path that most of us have to take to find someone, and either you can look at it as frustrating and a lost cause, or you can look at it as something that has given you an experience and taught you something about the opposite sex. As you go, you learn more and more about what you want from the opposite sex. You don't go from the womb to walking...you have to squirm, scoot, crawl and then walk. I married one of my first boyfriends, I was still crawling.. lol. And...... BELIEVE ME, I had that mindset, the same as isolde. To a T.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 It's not JUST for fun, but why not have fun in the process of getting to the one you want a relationship with? That's all I mean.. of course finding Mr or ms. right is the ultimate goal... I want a family and to get married... but I am still looking, and having fun in the meantime.
MN randomguy Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 It's not JUST for fun, but why not have fun in the process of getting to the one you want a relationship with? That's all I mean.. of course finding Mr or ms. right is the ultimate goal... I want a family and to get married... but I am still looking, and having fun in the meantime. All good and true. The point is, make sure that you're not leaving each other witha a lot of baggage and that you've developed to be a ms. right when you meet Mr. Right. Also, don't keep yourself busy dating Mr. OK for now and not be availible when Mr. Right comes along. Why would a man date without trying to conquer? I don't get it. What are you going to be doing when you're seventy? Are you going to be Hugh Hefner? You could date to find a companion, potential wife. I have better things to do than hang out with strangers and have superficial conversations, while watching my manners. I can work, read, learn a new language, go to the gym, go out with friends, have sex, or just relax. Imagine if one of your friends were dating one of Isolde or V. Vixen's friends, or if you had a common interest. You could meet them, find out that you are not compatible(going out on a limb here, doesn't sound like you're looking for the same thing) and just be friends without all of the drama of dating. But, maybe you're both into Everquest, dog shows, D&D whatever and can be friends. So, I dislike dating women who just date "for fun". If dating does not have a purpose, then what is the point? Attention? Couldn't agree more. What you're describing is what I'd call "Attention Whores" drive me nuts. I too have failed to detect them and avoid them sometimes.
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 It's not JUST for fun, but why not have fun in the process of getting to the one you want a relationship with? That's all I mean.. of course finding Mr or ms. right is the ultimate goal... I want a family and to get married... but I am still looking, and having fun in the meantime. But exactly. I'm not looking to get married yet, but I am NOT interested in getting dinner with some guy that hardly talks to me, clearly isn't interested, and I never see again. This has happened to me several times.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 All good and true. The point is, make sure that you're not leaving each other witha a lot of baggage and that you've developed to be a ms. right when you meet Mr. Right. Also, don't keep yourself busy dating Mr. OK for now and not be availible when Mr. Right comes along. . ohhh, no doubt!!! That's why i think it's good to just get to know each other, and when you realize it isn't going to work, you go the friend route, or you stop talking. Isolde, I didn't know that you weren't ultimately looking for a long term relationship/marriage (excuse my lack of reading comprehension if you said that earlier. lol). In that case, I see why you view dating that way. it isn't serving much purpose for you in the end.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 But exactly. I'm not looking to get married yet, but I am NOT interested in getting dinner with some guy that hardly talks to me, clearly isn't interested, and I never see again. This has happened to me several times. Where did you meet these men that show no interest? Didn't they ask you out in the first place?
MN randomguy Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I am NOT interested in getting dinner with some guy that hardly talks to me, clearly isn't interested, and I never see again. This has happened to me several times. Strange. Are these guys just interested in spending money and not interested in girls:confused:? Are you arm candy? a see and be seen sort of situation?
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Isolde, I didn't know that you weren't ultimately looking for a long term relationship/marriage (excuse my lack of reading comprehension if you said that earlier. lol). In that case, I see why you view dating that way. it isn't serving much purpose for you in the end. Well, I do want a LTR, but first steps first.
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Where did you meet these men that show no interest? Didn't they ask you out in the first place? Yeah, they all asked me out to begin with. I mean, everyone has "dud" dates, but I've had several, not interspersed with any good dates, in 2008. It really spoiled my view of dating. None of those guys wanted more than a second date (I also had two dates with guys that I wasn't interested in myself.)
Stockalone Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 It's not JUST for fun, but why not have fun in the process of getting to the one you want a relationship with? That's all I mean.. of course finding Mr or ms. right is the ultimate goal... I want a family and to get married... but I am still looking, and having fun in the meantime. Your approach is the smart one. It's just nor for everyone. For me, a good relationship is fun. Getting to know someone I am intrigued by, care about, is fun. The ambiguity of dating, flakes, multi-daters, people who aren't looking for a relationship but want their ego stroked, people who play games, the wondering, the uncertainty. The list goes on. All of that was no fun at all. For the most part, it's basically hard work, very complicated, and exhausting. At least for me. On the other hand, there are many good things when you meet the right person, then it's well worth the trouble. But when it's not the right person, I have a hard time finding anything that is fun about dating.
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 It's gotten to the point where I try to predict who I'd be compatible with ahead of time, but I'm not very good at that. I have no idea how to narrow things down.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Yeah, they all asked me out to begin with. I mean, everyone has "dud" dates, but I've had several, not interspersed with any good dates, in 2008. It really spoiled my view of dating. None of those guys wanted more than a second date (I also had two dates with guys that I wasn't interested in myself.) I'm sorry.. I can see why this would be discouraging. it never feels good to get your hopes up only to feel like you waste both of your time. I don't go on second dates with guys who seem like flakes, even if they seem like fun. The "fun" I am talking about is with ones that I think have potential. It is hard when you get let down. It happens a lot (even with ones who you thought were good), but I just take what I can from it and move on to the next. trying not to get discouraged and seeing the glass half full makes it easier for me. (obviously, you can NEVER let your dating status play a roll in your self esteem, because that would lead to a lot more hardship)
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 It's gotten to the point where I try to predict who I'd be compatible with ahead of time, but I'm not very good at that. I have no idea how to narrow things down. Isn't that what you are supposed to do? I never go on dates with someone I don't see compatibility with. Out of every 10 interested guys, I may go out with 2. lol
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Your approach is the smart one. It's just nor for everyone. For me, a good relationship is fun. Getting to know someone I am intrigued by, care about, is fun. The ambiguity of dating, flakes, multi-daters, people who aren't looking for a relationship but want their ego stroked, people who play games, the wondering, the uncertainty. The list goes on. All of that was no fun at all. For the most part, it's basically hard work, very complicated, and exhausting. At least for me. On the other hand, there are many good things when you meet the right person, then it's well worth the trouble. But when it's not the right person, I have a hard time finding anything that is fun about dating. I am not disagreeing with anything you say here. I think a good relationship is LOTS of fun. And, yes, the initial unknown territory is not fun for everyone.
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Isn't that what you are supposed to do? I never go on dates with someone I don't see compatibility with. Out of every 10 interested guys, I may go out with 2. lol I don't know how to gauge compatibility. I'm dating/socially retarded. I should just focus on meeting people through friends and networking I think.
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