V.Vixen Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 ehh, dating is what you make it. I have made some awesome friends that I have dated. I don't like the "Rules" of dating, I just like having a good time and being me. I was married, and had "dates" after years together. I have "dates" with my girlfriends. I don't think a date has to be so much like an interview, and just viewed as just a nice time together, regardless of whether it is romantically or not.
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 I have made some awesome friends that I have dated. But that's just it, I don't even understand how people end up being friends with people they went on dates with. Does someone say, "I don't like you that way, but I want to be your pal?" I date with the intention of something romantic, not to find a friend.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Well, the intention is not to just be friends, but sometimes you realize that is what you are best suited as. the first few dates are not usually that serious or deep.. so if it doesn't get past that it is pretty much like you are just friends anyway. How else do you make friends? I think "dating" is ultimately building friendships, with the possibility of romance. I just like good company, and if it becomes more than that, then.. great!
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 I think "dating" is ultimately building friendships, with the possibility of romance. This is an interesting perspective, but I'm when someone is romantically rejected, it does become difficult. I just want to kiss and make out. That's why the idea of friendship is so unpalatable to me. But I'd rather have a friend than a FWB, I'll say that. I can't do casual.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 and, absolutely, you say "I really like you as a person, but I don't think we are right for each other. i would love to keep in touch and stay friends." Otherwise, it just kind of fades out and we just happen to stay friends without that conversation even happening really. I am pretty close with one guy who met his girlfriend right after we broke up. I could never be his girlfriend, but we have great times together as friends!
carhill Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 OP, the way they do it is to not invest too much in the beginning. Act quickly and decisively. Don't sit back and ponder. How do I know this? Years of doing it exactly the wrong way
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I also have some hot friends who I want to make out with, but I don't. lol It's not black and white. well, not to me.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 OP, the way they do it is to not invest too much in the beginning. Act quickly and decisively. Don't sit back and ponder. How do I know this? Years of doing it exactly the wrong way precisely. I don't wait until it is complicated. I usually know by date 3 or 4, and then I just say "it;s been a lot of fun... thank you!", if I don't think it is working.
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 I also have some hot friends who I want to make out with, but I don't. lol It's not black and white. well, not to me. This is just it, though. I don't think I'm the kind of person that is very good at being "just friends" with guys. The fact that I crave physical affection, not having had it in such a long time, certainly doesn't help.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Well,, then maybe you shouldn't be friends afterwards. That doesn't mean you can't appreciate the times you have on a few dates. The first one, I admit, can be a waste, if you don't like the guy. after that, if you can't have fun on a date... then I guess you shouldn't date. I just think it shouldn't be so serious so soon. yeah, ultimately you are looking for something serious... but if you make it serious early on you suck the fun time right out of meeting new people. Go with the flowwwwww, and if it is right, it will turn into something great. If it is wrong, you move on to the next opportunity and hopefully you can be thankful that you had the experience. (Either that or you have a story to tell. lol)
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Isolde, no grey area for you and me baby. That's hot, Chris.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 believe me, I understand the desire for affection and physical touch.. we all have it. There are 3 ways to get it. Go out and have one night stands, have a friend with benefits, or date the traditional way. Well, you could start groping men in the grocery store, they might not mind it.
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 believe me, I understand the desire for affection and physical touch.. we all have it. There are 3 ways to get it. Go out and have one night stands, have a friend with benefits, or date the traditional way. Well, you could start groping men in the grocery store, they might not mind it. OR, 4th way: get an imaginary boyfriend. Because while traditional dating is the only option out of the above that I'm willing (reluctantly) to try, I have no options.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I have one of those. his name is B.O.B. BOB lacks in a lot of areas though. ok, I think I have gone too far. lol............ anywho.. I think you'd be surprised about what you are willing to do and how things that you think are out of your comfort zone can really become good times. It took me a year to date after I divorced my ex. Even then it took me a long time to get my feet wet. I forced myself and it changed my view... My advice: Don't think so much.
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 I have one of those. his name is B.O.B. BOB lacks in a lot of areas though. ok, I think I have gone too far. lol............ anywho.. I think you'd be surprised about what you are willing to do and how things that you think are out of your comfort zone can really become good times. It took me a year to date after I divorced my ex. Even then it took me a long time to get my feet wet. I forced myself and it changed my view... My advice: Don't think so much. I don't want good times, if it doesn't lead to anything! That's the premise of my OP. I guess I am just pigheaded.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Ok, then I can't help you. You are going to be single forever in that case. That sounds bad, but you don't meet mr right on the first shot usually. Why you wouldn't want good times is something I can't understand. That's what life should be about!
carhill Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Yeah, good times suck. They lead to more good times. Pretty soon you have a smile permanently plastered on your face and a ring on your finger. Avoid this!
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Yeah, good times suck. They lead to more good times. Pretty soon you have a smile permanently plastered on your face and a ring on your finger. Avoid this! Watch out... you might have fun! Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Ok, then I can't help you. You are going to be single forever in that case. That sounds bad, but you don't meet mr right on the first shot usually. Why you wouldn't want good times is something I can't understand. That's what life should be about! I take this back. You might not be single, but you probably won't be having "good times" after a while if you take the first one that comes along.. so maybe it is perfect for you after all!
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 Seriously guys, it's not that I don't like having fun. I'm just scared of everything dating related. I also know that one shouldn't date any guy that's willing but if you knew how picky I am from previous posts you wouldn't worry about that possibility. I said I want someone caring and sensitive and all that cheezy crap.
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 So... you want prince charming to ride up on his horse and sweep you of your feet then. Right?
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 So... you want prince charming to ride up on his horse and sweep you of your feet then. Right? Fine, I want to meet a mean brute who treats me like crap. Does that sound better?
V.Vixen Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 You are totally missing my point. There is no horse, and you don't live in a castle. It takes effort to get to the good ones. Otherwise you settle for being alone or with the ones that you don't really want.
Author Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 I don't know, I'm trying to "keep busy and not think about relationships or dating," I think most people are better off that way. I think when I make effort it backfires Either that or I can try the "abstinent happiness" route.
MN randomguy Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I don't want good times, if it doesn't lead to anything! That's the premise of my OP. I guess I am just pigheaded. So, I am now educated with a few more chapters of the previously mentioned dating book. The Author agrees about dating not leading to anything as being pointless. Although you're not completely in control of if your relationship will go anywhere. You can avoid ones that are guaranteed to go nowhere. A couple of pearls of wisdom for Isolde: 1. Yes you crave affection, everyone craves affection. Everyone feels as though they're hornier than everyone else. You're not! 2. Being able to be friends with guys is very important. These decent guys that you don't feel so many sparks with may be friends with other decent guys. You've gotta establish a co-ed cliche. I will warn this is a Christian author and if that offends you I didn't intend it to so ignore the rest of this post. He basically is calling for an end to dating games which is an end to dating as we know it. An end to guys manipulating girls to get some or feel like the big man. Also, an end to girls leading guys on and playing games to get attention/feel desired. He also is against intimacy without commitment in all forms saying it is harming. The cleverest snipped is his "Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating" which of course is a play on Kevin Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" and funnier if you've ever seen a Covey Presentation or lived through a Covey workshop. Anyways, here goes a paraphase: 1. Dating skips the friendship stage of the relationship: You can't be yourself. 2. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love: Love and Lust are different. If you view someone in a pure dating context you'll think yo're in love when you may just be in lust. 3. Dating Isolates You from other important Relationships: Pretty self explanatory. You're an item, so, your friends can't say anything bad about the SO. Nobody to double-check your judgement. 4. Dating can Distract Young adults from Preparing for the Future: Who doesn't know someone who makes major life decisions to be close to the SO and then are broken-up in 3 months. 5. Dating can Cause Discontentment with Singleness. Daters get just enough intamacy to make them want more instead of focusing on the season of life that you are in and the unique qualities of singleness. It makes you focus on what you don't have. 6. Dating Can Create an Artificial enviroment for Evaluating another Person's Character. Its an artificial environment that doesn't require a person to accurately portray his or her negative characteristics. 7. Dating Often Becomes an End in itself. People who are good at dating get comfortable with it and date for years without it going anywhere. Wasting their and their partner's youth. Whataya think. That's a chapter watered down. Again, it is assuming Judeo-Christian values. So, it won't fit everyone on the board and I don't want to turn this into a flame war.
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