elf456 Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 This will be quite a story, I'm sure like everyone else's... So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now, but mostly because I think I've looked the other way for most of the relationship, and I guess I'm just writing because I'd like a relatively unbiased opinion, because he thinks I'm wrong, and I don't know what i think anymore! Anyway, we'd been living abroad for the first few months, he asked me to marry him (no ring/announcement though!) and decided to move back to the US together and live together. After we moved in together we started fighting about things, little things though, but I think he took these arguments more seriously than I did--I just think it's sort of normal to go through a period of transition and when you start living together especially. He started pulling away, he took back the engagement, and this made me insecure obviously! And so it was sort of downward spiral from there. And so (unfortunately) I read his email. And his chats. I know it's a horrible thing to do... So, last year I read this chat between him and his (girl) friend, where he said that he doesn't feel the most love for me, that our relationship isn't the most fun or the most caring, but that he does love me. I told him that I saw this, and he explained that we'd been having problems, that we don't have a perfect relationship, that he does love me, but that it shouldn't come as a surprise. It really hurt. I don't think I fully understood what his words meant at the time, but I can't seem to let those words go. (There were others of course, but along the same lines..) In this period (and actually now too), there were/are a number of times when he's said he's going to do something, and another girl has been involved, which he didn't tell me. It's not like I would be that jealous though, I understand that guys have girl friends, I have guy friends! But it's the lying I don't understand.. Anyway, we agreed to go to couple's therapy, and we did that for a few months, and it helped us to better understand each other overall. But I keep coming back to his phrase that I'm not the greatest love of his life. I mean, for me, that's a really telling sign, that if someone thinks that in the first year, why continue? Needless to say, I broke up with him, but he begged me to come back and I did--and I wonder if I should leave again *constantly*. For him, he says (and he's great at argument--he studied law) that love grows and that just because he said that when we were going through a difficult time, that it doesn't mean that he feels that way all the time. But I think love (with the person you want to marry) is something you feel really strongly, that you could *never* say something like they're not the greatest love. I mean, why continue to date someone if they're not the most love you've ever felt? Needless to say, I obviously feel that way about him...or else I wouldn't have put myself through so much torture, right? But should I continue being with someone who doesn't feel the same about me? Or does it change, like he suggests? Is it possible that he will love me more over time? That seems silly to me...
Geishawhelk Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Yes, in answer to your question, love changes and grows - but in my opinion, you have to know, just be secure in the knowlege - that it's the Love of your Life that is changing (always for the better) and growing (ever stronger). I hate to say it, but you should be feeling you are the greatest Love of his Life, I agree with you. My partner (47 - I'm 52) tells me he's had around 100 casual flings and one-night stands. he's already been married twice. But I am the greatest Love of his Life. Trust your instinct. I feel I can confidently tell you this because - My partner is studying Law. He can sell sand to the Arabs and Ice to the Inuits, and has the unnerving habit of discussing things chess-game style: That is to say, he is so verbally agile and clever, he can see several 'moves' ahead, where a person is going with a discussion. So he's capable of pre-empting a discussion, running rings round people verbally, and making then strangle themselves with their own arguments. Checkmate. he's been University Champion of the Debating Society AND the Legal Mooting Society. Twice. I believe him when he tells me that I am the greatest Love of his Life, because he would have founds a way of saving the others, otherwise. because I can see his 'game of chess' sparring with me, and shoot it down in flames, because I recognise it. So I know when he's being sincere - as opposed to looking for a game of chess.... I digress. Your partner is running rings around you, for his own convenience. I suspect he is also verbally agile and dexterous.... Remember that if a lawyer falls into the ocean, sharks give him a wide berth out of professional respect. Learn to understand how his mind works. In my humble opinion, it works for him, not you.
Author elf456 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Ah, you make an excellent point. He has the natural habit to run circles around my arguments, which serve his purpose and not mine... That said, I want to be considered the love of someone's life... Your point is well-considered, thanks for the advice...
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