I wish this feeling would go away

[Ricky01]

I wont bore peopel with the detailed story of my last break up, but it is nearly a year and for the past 6 months I have been doign well, you can even say I am back to normal more or less.

However, the day is coming up where my ex and I broke up, and its only remembered because it was practically on my birthday, and now I am stuck remembering (As if tattoos, heartache, and financial crisis wasn't enough to remember this by)

Basically, the woman that I was with was a child hood friend, I am talking of the age of 15 or so, not buddies like girl next door, but romantic, partying, flirting.

I left for the army for 5 years, and basically lost contact with her, even though time to time we'd see eachother. Amyways, I get out, I move to FL, she lives there, and we talk, I move again, and we become a couple.

I'm not going to say I am a Romeo, but I have had my fair share and then some... especially being involved with the Adult Film crowd.

But I fell completely, solidly, head over heels for her. When she cared, it was the best feeling I ever had. I felt at peace within myself, despite all of my crazy tales, journies, and experiences.

I even attempted to cheat on her, but I couldn't. She seemed so meant for me, like one of them cheesey chick flicks, of the child hood friends, living lives apart then coming together.

Until I had to leave for Iraq again, as a defense contractor. As you may guess by now, just by that title, I am extremely hard headed and peculiar when it comes to my (then) line of work.

Call me naive, but I believed her completely when she told me, "nothing can break us apart." I had given her the no judgements choice, of us going our own ways, long before I left. I was already concerned about my own well being having emotional baggage while in combat situations. I explained to her, I will become a different person for a little while. She acknowledged and gave me her full support, I never felt so loved before.

I have seen my story happen before, many times in my travels in the military and such, but I sincerely thought this was different. We had a rough patch while I was away, and I wont mimick her emotions or feelings she had, because despite my situation, I respect the hardship she endured with me being there despite her still being in the USA.

It was when I came back,

In a very childish and selfish manner, I decided to go straight from Baghdad to Orlando FL to see her, I missed her so much. the first week was sheer bliss.

The Second week was not, I had not accounted for the toll, my journey had taken on me or the mental exhaustion I was yet to confront head on.

I began to have symptoms of PTSD. I wont bother goign through them, but basically I NEEDED to be alone to get back together, but I wasn't man enough to to tell her to go home. She then witnessed my transformation of a man she thought she knew the majority of her teen to adult life become a man she never even witnessed before.

She had no experience in military living, little less her bf being such and still going to the war as a civilian. We had our confrontations, and I sincerely didnt want them to happen, and wanted to just get things put back together the way they were before I left.

the last week has several akwards times, including me not having sex with her, which was suprisingly more offensive to her than I thought it could be.

Well I got on the plane back to where I worked (we also did this long distance, but high frequency of visiting at any expense)

Just to see we were done, several weeks of heart wrenching pain of how she could let me go so easily. I since have had time to think of why we were so different. All I thought about out there, was her, aside from my mission. In retrospect, that wasnt fair, I can see. At first, I wouldnt accept it, and I am sure this whoel ordeal had scared her.

I had spent time with her family, I had taken care of her expenses, I had planned ahead for us, and I was amazed it can all go away so easily.

That took me to the deep end, I was physically ill, and immensely depressed for MONTHS. I then had panic attacks, I used different types of drugs to ease myself from this terrible heartache, I physically felt the pain in the palms of my hands when I thought of her.

For a guy of my nature and profession, I felt worthless. I felt like a victim, and I felt like a pansy. This made me so embarrssed with myself, that it made me into this miserable sap. I needed her as if I needed a drug. Needing change, I left to South Korea.

I slowly began to phase her out, though I never really have.. but made it possible to at least keep busy with work, and women.

When I returned a month later, I somehow returned to same damn feeling I had before, crying, heartache. I had to rid everythign I had of her. Then decided to move back to FL, but Miami (where i lived before) On the way we met up, and that was the worse thing I could of done.

Not only do I find she has a new guy, but he gives her issues about being out, and I see she calls him "baby". This guy that I dont even know, has my ex acting nice and all, while he sacrificed nothing as I did. (so i felt).

We talk, I did need to talk to her to let her know somethings, and we spent the night together. It felt so back to normal, but as it does; the next mornign came up, the alchohol weared off, after an awkward moment in the morning, we went our separate ways. We text messaged one another for a bit, I had fooled myself into thinkign this would work, it was just a phase before we reconciled. I never felt the want to hurt a man before in my life as I did for the guy that replaced me(the guy she was with). He felt so substandard to me, and I let her know. Just to find out that she "had feelings" for him.

At that point, in fear of what I would do, I had to stop contact. For men like me, it would be too easy to make a mistake that would ruin my or several peoples' lives. In the fear of killing this guy, I had to leave the country again... this time to Australia.

I am no longer in Australia, I am no longer in Florida either, I sent her family an Xmas Card, I really did love them also, and I acknowledge our "friendship" by sending her a Birthday card as well. I have settled in my own, but I am still very vunerable to her, so I avoid her with all possibilites. I had her on my bank accounts for months, because I didnt want to ask her to call the bank to remover herself (bank policy).

She wanted us to become "friends" again, admirable, maybe even cute. But, perhaps I am selfish... I can't play a fascade of being a simple friend, as I see the life I had hoped for with her fade away with others.

It has affected me in my ability to be with women, first off, I dont even entertain the idea of relationships. I am a tad militant even when it comes to woman hating with the guys. But this doesnt make anythign easier.

Periodically, I still think of her, miss her and her family, being that blissful naive couple we were not so long ago, but might as well have been a lifetime ago. I know, I am in love with a fantasy, a moment in the past, and each day I plan to move a lil farther, but then days like this come back... moments, anniversarys, and I wonder how could all of it ended.

In the end, I have accepted respnsibility for our separation. Being involved with several women with spouses in affairs have shown me, that no one is who they seem, and not all foul situations were foul in mind.

I like to think there was no fault in this, because I am not satisfied by making her into a villian, she isnt.

I love her too much still to this day to ever see a hair harmed on her or experience anything less than perfect for her and I know she knows.

But in this, I cannot be around her, it scares me how another person can effect me on such a level to where I change completely.

All in all, I just have a couple anchoring upsets that just can never leave me be:

Why, did she have to pursue me so hard to be hers in the first place?

Why was her need to move on stronger then her need to understand me, when I needed her most (PTSD).

And finally, a comment I can never forgive, even though she apologized, "I don't feel like working on us."

even now, remembering sombers me and i feel it in my palms again.

I feel damaged and I want to talk myself out of it, but theres always this relapse. I just need this time of year to pass on, quickly.

Thank you for your time, I didnt even mean to write thsi much. I dont remember the point of this.

[drutten]

This sounds strangely familiar. Being emotionally unstable and not delivering in bed, that can very quickly end a woman's attraction. It's not fair, is it? It's hard to understand because we don't function that way. We get rejected in bed all the time and yet that doesn't kill the attraction at all, certainly not after a week. Even a bit of temporary flakiness doesn't push us away.

 

And the desire to kill that "substandard" guy - I recognize that too. I'm glad you're making sure you don't act on it.

 

Reading your story it seems to me you're quite normal, pretty much every feeling you describe I can relate to as well.

 

So, is there any consolation? I hope so. I think the deal is that you, like me, need to find a way to slowly get back on an even keel. A meaningful job, perhaps charity work or involvement in a religious community, close friends and family who like and respect you, those kinds of things are going to be important.

 

It will take time, let it. There's nothing wrong with you except that you're a human being. Don't wallow in your feelings but don't try to suppress them either. They are there, a fact of nature. Over time they fade, slowly.

 

Don't try to win her back, she is no part of your life anymore. Friendship is not a possibility, that would just delay recovery. Pursue something else. Eventually you will be back in business.

[Ricky01]

Don't try to win her back, she is no part of your life anymore. Friendship is not a possibility, that would just delay recovery. Pursue something else. Eventually you will be back in business.

 

Thanks for thsi advice, I think I always knew this, but somehow was trying to kid myself. I am sorry that you can relate to this at all. I hope you gain your perspective and move on also, you seem much more level minded than I was/am.