clv0116 Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 The new avatar is a lot nicer. If you think you would feel better exercising you might think about hitting a gym 5 or so times a week. It's also not a bad place to meet healthy people.
Author blondesmiler Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 The new avatar is a lot nicer. If you think you would feel better exercising you might think about hitting a gym 5 or so times a week. It's also not a bad place to meet healthy people. are you saying I am fat? I have already made some adjustments to my social life to hopefully engage with more people. Last weekend went to a singles night in a nightclub and this weekend going to Salsa and Latin club with a group of people from Meet up. Another singles night in London in a couple of weeks time. And yes in March now can afford it again will be going back to the gym. I am also transferring to another team within the bank I work for, so will be meeting some new people and I hope they are more social than my current lot. I tried online dating, which I may continue but with a view to doing it for fun but not likely to turn into anything rather than hoping it will and not enjoying it.
Author blondesmiler Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 Maybe this sounds very simplistic, but I feel like when you change your perspective from wanting general acceptance to wanting to accept and be accepted by the RIGHT guy (yeah, there are multiple people that everyone could be compatible with, but not THAT many), things begin to make more sense. Can you explain what you mean a bit more, hey I am totally open to new ideas? Thanks
clv0116 Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 are you saying I am fat? No but most westerners can benefit from gym time and it's a nice place to meet health conscious people.
sb129 Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 I think you should stop thinking about it so much and analysing everything to the nth degree. No offense, but your posts come across as almost a little bit desperate. You don't seem that secure within yourself, and thats also a factor. The minute I stopped caring about what other people thought of me and whether or not I met someone was when I met my H.
stepka Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Probably so. Love it or hate it, guys decide pretty fast based on looks whether to pursue or not. Sometimes men and women get thrown together in a captive situation and that barrier gets beaten down but it's not the common case. I'm apparently a bit of a downer to talk to about this so I'll bow out unless you want me to comment further here. I am astounded by what you have to say clv. Blondesmiler, I am a straight woman, but if you came to a party, I'd be fixing my make-up or something, b/c all the guys would be chasing you. Don't listen to this sourpuss--your looks are not the problem. I don't know what is--maybe fate is saving you for the right man, who isn't in your life right now, but when he does show up, you'll be glad that the other guys didn't work out.
Author blondesmiler Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 I am astounded by what you have to say clv. Blondesmiler, I am a straight woman, but if you came to a party, I'd be fixing my make-up or something, b/c all the guys would be chasing you. Don't listen to this sourpuss--your looks are not the problem. I don't know what is--maybe fate is saving you for the right man, who isn't in your life right now, but when he does show up, you'll be glad that the other guys didn't work out. It's funny you say that, cause as an indivdual I am fairly comfortable and confident. However in a group sometimes (not always) I don't feel at ease with my looks only my personality. So on a one on one I do just fine but sometimes at parties or nightclub etc I feel less than the other women, slightly jealous, although I will act totally confident and comfortable. That probably sounds wierd. You are right, I will be glad I didn't get stuck with the wrong one when the right one comes along. It just gets lonely sometimes, frustrating other times. That said I won't be desperate to just settle for something less than I would like.
clv0116 Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Don't listen to this sourpuss--your looks are not the problem. I don't know what is--maybe fate is saving you for the right man, who isn't in your life right now, but when he does show up, you'll be glad that the other guys didn't work out. First of all her old avatar was very unflattering. Second I never said she was not pretty, just pointed out that she should not underestimate the power of 'curb appeal' for men. Finally fate is a load of horsecrap.
FleshNBones Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 You are right, I will be glad I didn't get stuck with the wrong one when the right one comes along. It just gets lonely sometimes, frustrating other times. That said I won't be desperate to just settle for something less than I would like.What exactly do you want? I want details.
ruggy Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 and celebate! Is that what is likely? I am in my thirties, I go on the odd date but never progresses any further even when I have shown interest. Dating is getting more frustrating and less fun month by month. I have kind of resided myself to a life of singledom, but deep down I yearn to spend some quality time with someone lovely and wonderful, to cherish them and be cherished. What exactly does one have to be other than oneself to get with partner these days? Get tired of my non single friends seeing me as just Debz, Debz is always free, and them telling me things like "its not all a bed of roses you know" (yeah as if I didn't know that, didn't stop them from getting with their SO/OH) or "you never know whats round the corner" (how many corners does one have to go round til you keep going around in circles ) or "single life is so easy I don't know what you worry about" (yeah cause single life never gets dull or lonley its always totally perfect and wonderful ) yada yada yada. How does one get on well in the world of dating? and more? I guess we all have to lower our standards and date within our league or something. I am still trying to figure this online dating out. Doesn't seem easier. Seems more stressful.
Isolde Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Can you explain what you mean a bit more, hey I am totally open to new ideas? Thanks Hey blondesmiler, I meant basically that if you stop worrying about what Random Guy X at a club thinks and more about what the Right Guy thinks, you're headed in the right direction. As a friend once told me, "You only get to marry one guy." This is true of everyone on earth. We only get one (okay, maybe a couple) of really meaningful long term relationships. So, might as well be with the right person. The rest of the people on planet Earth, enjoy your time with them, be friends if you want, but don't worry about it if they don't appreciate you.
stepka Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 First of all her old avatar was very unflattering. Second I never said she was not pretty, just pointed out that she should not underestimate the power of 'curb appeal' for men. Finally fate is a load of horsecrap. So you know her personally and know for a fact that the old avatar was unflattering? You said some pretty rude things, and i'm not here to beat you up but to point out a couple of things. First of all, you made me really glad that I haven't posted a pic here, b/c where I'm at right now, it would really hurt me if someone said that I needed a better pic (what if that was the best one I had?) and needed to go work out and some other things you said. Why would it? B/c I'm getting ready to turn 50 and my husband just left me, but before he dropped his bomb, he sat me down and said I was too fat and I don't turn him on anymore (gee no kidding--even viagra couldn't raise it from the dead). I'm 25 lbs overweight, but I know plenty of women more overweight than I am who are currently dating or married. Needless to say, I'm not feeling very attractive right now, and if that hottie hadn't flirted with me in the coffeeshop the other night, I'd probably be ready to hang it all up. (BTW, the husband was gay, so what does he know anyway?) I'm only pointing this out b/c this is a forum, we're all relatively anonymous, and you really don't know what people here are going thru in their life right now, except for the little they just shared. I'm all for building people up rather than tearing them down. As for your fate=horsecrap comment--well that's an opinion isn't it?
LoveLace Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Wait a minute, NO There isn't a single thing I've achieved in this life that I haven't found at some point lacking some fun and being quite challenging. You're not exactly past it yet! So what's with the resignation? Just having a "feel sorry for myself" day? I don't think there's anything about your situation that's anything out of the ordinary. If you only want to read about what's "out of the ordinary", LS isn't the place to be... It's "out of the ordinary" to HER, because (like myself) she is a woman in her 30's who is surrounded by couples as friends, longing for a partner and struggling in the dating dept, leaving her to feel hopeless and puzzled, yet perfectly healthy in the mind, body and soul, without perceiving herself as unattractive or boring. It's the story of MY life as well...it's rare that I don't feel independent, fun, and attractive enough...but every so often, after "running in circles" instead of "turning a corner" (just as the OP put it), you stop and wonder how can it be so hard when I don't even think much is wrong with me? Why does it feel like an eternal pipe dream to find someone but so easily done for most everyone else I know? It's really hard to understand; it would probably be more understandable if I was an ugly Betty or something, but that isn't the case... OP, I know that sometimes I think it's just a case of what I'll call "independent syndrome" for me; as much as I long for someone special, I'm turned off if a guy wants to be too close too fast, than I'm disappointed if a guy doesn't want to be close enough...I'm looking for the perfect balance of having that SO and still having my total independence at the same time...but heck that might not really exist, and if I ever find a guy who makes me think it does, something still goes wrong...I'm not necessarily implying that this describes you, but since we seem to be in the same boat, I thought I'd share that.
clv0116 Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Blah blah blah .... Needless to say, I'm not feeling very attractive right now .... I'm sorry you have issues now but I'm pretty sure the OP took the comment in the constructive manner it was intended. She did find a very attractive avatar to sub for the old one. Also, fate is BS. Encouraging her to trust in something that doesn't exist isn't really doing her any favors.
Author blondesmiler Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 If you only want to read about what's "out of the ordinary", LS isn't the place to be... It's "out of the ordinary" to HER, because (like myself) she is a woman in her 30's who is surrounded by couples as friends, longing for a partner and struggling in the dating dept, leaving her to feel hopeless and puzzled, yet perfectly healthy in the mind, body and soul, without perceiving herself as unattractive or boring. It's the story of MY life as well...it's rare that I don't feel independent, fun, and attractive enough...but every so often, after "running in circles" instead of "turning a corner" (just as the OP put it), you stop and wonder how can it be so hard when I don't even think much is wrong with me? Why does it feel like an eternal pipe dream to find someone but so easily done for most everyone else I know? It's really hard to understand; it would probably be more understandable if I was an ugly Betty or something, but that isn't the case... OP, I know that sometimes I think it's just a case of what I'll call "independent syndrome" for me; as much as I long for someone special, I'm turned off if a guy wants to be too close too fast, than I'm disappointed if a guy doesn't want to be close enough...I'm looking for the perfect balance of having that SO and still having my total independence at the same time...but heck that might not really exist, and if I ever find a guy who makes me think it does, something still goes wrong...I'm not necessarily implying that this describes you, but since we seem to be in the same boat, I thought I'd share that. In the nicest possible way I mean this, its nice to know am not alone in this matter. That said I hope you find what you are looking for soon. I do wonder as you rightly say, what is wrong with me (nothing horrendous thats for sure) what more do I have to be (other than fun, happy, smart, good looking, adventourous, for heavens sake I don't even like UK soap operas). Its kinda of like I have to be something more or get with someone for the wrong reasons, both which I am not going to do, nor should I have too. I am not high maintenance, I am not seeking out of what I think is reasonalble am not looking for Brad Pitt, John Stamos or George Clooney just someone I find attractive and fun with a few other choice qualities. I might also add that a man becomes more attractive to me if he has certain personality qualities such as kindness, sense of humour etc so I do try and keep a fairly open mind about whom I go on dates with and do not go on pics/looks alone (unless they completely turn me off looks wise then I just do not believe you will even be attracted to them enough which I think is fair). You know, I donno, I just donno anymore. I'd like someone, although people speak of fate, seriously if you want a job you have to go and seek it, through the papers, agencies, companies directly ~ so when it comes to your love life, should I just expect something to come a knocking at my door, no one has offered me a job or career path that way.
clv0116 Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I'd like someone, although people speak of fate, seriously if you want a job you have to go and seek it, through the papers, agencies, companies directly ~ so when it comes to your love life, should I just expect something to come a knocking at my door, no one has offered me a job or career path that way. I just want to be honest with you, not mean. I think you're doing the right things although a good part of the gym suggestion was for the social aspect of it, and using a bike in your living room defeats that.
Author blondesmiler Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 I just want to be honest with you, not mean. I think you're doing the right things although a good part of the gym suggestion was for the social aspect of it, and using a bike in your living room defeats that. Yep I know, back to the gym from 1st March. I had to freeze my membership because of money and I knew winter time I wouldn't really go cause am rubbish like that, prefer to get home in the warm and stay here. Although it is good too get out to the gym, I think the other social adjustments am making are better for social aspect.
Island Girl Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 The minute I stopped caring about what other people thought of me and whether or not I met someone was when I met my H. I can second this. The moment I was comfortable with myself and being single (I had no problem getting dates but I hadn't found one that could keep my attention and heart) I found my husband who is perfect for me. And I was in my 30s, just like you, girlfriend.
Author blondesmiler Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 I can second this. The moment I was comfortable with myself and being single (I had no problem getting dates but I hadn't found one that could keep my attention and heart) I found my husband who is perfect for me. And I was in my 30s, just like you, girlfriend. Well I am comfortable with myself mostly but then I do not know anyone who is totally 100% happy about themselves, whether is your nose, a mole, your SOH, belly, arms, hair, etc etc However I am not 100% happy single... am happy single I enjoy the life I lead, the friends I have, the interests I have etc etc etc, that doesn't stop me form craving some affection, some passsion at times. That doesn't mean I want someone on my arm permanantly. I would be happy to just date and see someone once a week. I just do not think it is possible to completely remove a yearn for something?
clv0116 Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I just do not think it is possible to completely remove a yearn for something? You're a normal healthy woman, why would you want to remove a normal healthy desire? It's not a bad thing to have wants that are temporarily unfulfilled. The key to a lot of things in life is to simply be prepared, opportunities will come and when they do, it's too late to prepare for them. Prepare in advance as you are doing and when opportunity knocks you can answer.
ddraper Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 All you have to do is project your personality to everyone. Revamp your online personals to reflect that. Be different and unique. Most personals are rather dull. If you were a guy I could think of a way to rework your personal ad to get you more responses. Actually, come to think of it, the same things I would suggest to a guy might work for women too...
tincanman99 Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 You dont look unattractive. Picture is tiny though. That being said I think you are giving off the desperation vibe and guys are picking it up. As you are in your 30s the the pool of available people shrinks because this is prime baby years. That being said there are a ton of single people out there. Speaking as a guy you have to go where the men are. I see in your profile you are in the UK, so you have that whole pub culture going on there. Go out and be with other people. I personally think online is a waste of time. I have done it in the past and am contemplating doing it again but I think its a mistake to put all your eggs in one basket. Guys will decide in a few seconds whether they like the way you look from your picture and than move on. Yes its judgmental but thats how men are. As they say, when you are in desert, you need to go where the water is. Right now you are in the desert and far from the water. Go to places where the guys like to go in the UK (the pub). I am in a similar situation, most of my friends are married and have been no help. I have realized in the last year that the only person that can fix this is myself. Someone mentioned going to the gym, tone up, trim down (not saying you are fat) but gym's can be very social and it helps clear your head. Nothing like a good work out to push the toxins out of the body.
Author blondesmiler Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 You dont look unattractive. Picture is tiny though. That being said I think you are giving off the desperation vibe and guys are picking it up. As you are in your 30s the the pool of available people shrinks because this is prime baby years. That being said there are a ton of single people out there. Speaking as a guy you have to go where the men are. I see in your profile you are in the UK, so you have that whole pub culture going on there. Go out and be with other people. I personally think online is a waste of time. I have done it in the past and am contemplating doing it again but I think its a mistake to put all your eggs in one basket. Guys will decide in a few seconds whether they like the way you look from your picture and than move on. Yes its judgmental but thats how men are. As they say, when you are in desert, you need to go where the water is. Right now you are in the desert and far from the water. Go to places where the guys like to go in the UK (the pub). I am in a similar situation, most of my friends are married and have been no help. I have realized in the last year that the only person that can fix this is myself. Someone mentioned going to the gym, tone up, trim down (not saying you are fat) but gym's can be very social and it helps clear your head. Nothing like a good work out to push the toxins out of the body. As for baby years, agreed but I am not one for going gaga at babies, in fact am pretty sure I do not want kids. Yes I would like to go out with someone, to be affectionate and passionate with someone ~ does this make me desperate? or just frustrated like almost everyone else dating for a period of time? Pub culture in the UK is not a good way to meet guys, but am making adjustments to get out to more socialable with group things such as Salsa/dancing, singles evenings, gym as of next week so hoping this is a good thing. Certainly not just doing it to meet a guy, more to be socialable and get a little more out of life. I think I am bored with life at the moment, which makes the being single feel more profound. Agree about online dating, works for some but don't think its going to work for me (it hasn't in a year and half!! )
BCCA Posted February 23, 2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Agree about online dating, works for some but don't think its going to work for me (it hasn't in a year and half!! ) Believe it or not, a year is the minimum it takes most people to find someone worth dating on those online sites. They all make it look like you just sign up, and people are throwing themselves at you, but thats just not the case. Consider it just another avenue to meet people, just like a bar or the gym. I cancelled my eharmony membership, and after a long discussion with the sales rep, was informed that most people take at least 2 years on there to find that special someone. 2 years at $40/month didnt sound like a good idea to me, so I cancelled it and dont regret the decision at all. does this make me desperate? or just frustrated like almost everyone else dating for a period of time? Probably a little of both. I know exactly how you feel, I want to meet someone worth hanging out with, but Im not desperate. Still, I think its true that when youre not looking someone finds you. How do you get yourself to not look? No idea, wish I knew! I think I am bored with life at the moment, which makes the being single feel more profound. And if youre anything like me, EVERYONE else you know has someone, and they either have no time for you or you end up being the third wheel. You get wedding invitations, calls to go to movies with other couples, and trying to find someone to go out with you on the weekend is like finding a unicorn. It all gets SO frustrating that you end up focusing too much on being single, instead of enjoying it. I've all but given up looking, which I know isnt a great idea, but what can you do?
Author blondesmiler Posted February 23, 2009 Author Posted February 23, 2009 Probably a little of both. I know exactly how you feel, I want to meet someone worth hanging out with, but Im not desperate. Still, I think its true that when youre not looking someone finds you. How do you get yourself to not look? No idea, wish I knew! Thank gawd I am not the only one that doesn't know ;) And if youre anything like me, EVERYONE else you know has someone, and they either have no time for you or you end up being the third wheel. You get wedding invitations, calls to go to movies with other couples, and trying to find someone to go out with you on the weekend is like finding a unicorn. It all gets SO frustrating that you end up focusing too much on being single, instead of enjoying it. I've all but given up looking, which I know isnt a great idea, but what can you do? Its funny cause away from online dating I don't "look" am not one of those girls that watches the door for everyman that walks in or past. When I go out with my friends, I go out with them just to enjoy their company, the conversation and also what we are doing. But maybe because I am "not looking" and engrossed in what am doing and whom I am with, I give off the wrong vibes???? I donno
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