Reggie Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Your last line about feeling happy and complete regardless of being involved with someone is so true. Romanc is alright, but it is way overhyped. At yor age, the testosterone is making it hard to see that one can have a good, rewarding life, very enjoyable, without a romantic partner. There is a lot of propganda trying to tell us differently, but, inmany cases, life is more fulfilling and , definitely, more peaceful outside of a romantic relationship. Just calmer with less ups and downs. When you get to the place where you realize that you do not need a romantic relationship to feel good, then, you are open to finding the right person that will enhance your life. You can take your time with this and feel no pressure to find something. Invariably, that is when it happens and you meet someone that is compatible.
Island Girl Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I need to find how to make myself feel happy and complete without romance. I was the female version of you. The only difference was I was never torn up by a relationship. I got to a point where I really thought I was "broken" and couldn't really love like other people. Since I was 16, I have had boyfriends. I had no problem dating who I wanted to date, and they would fall like a ton of bricks, and I'd end up ripping their hearts out of their chests. Not purposefully. Every time I thought "maybe". But in the end the guy just wasn't my everything. So I made a conscious decision not to let any man get close enough to get "spun". I would still date, I just had plenty of rules that I knew would get broken pretty quickly and then it would be over without the guy getting in too deep. I KNOW HOW THAT SOUNDS BUT IT IS THE TRUTH. So for about a year and a half I kept to that. I spent a lot of time alone during that time. I really became more comfortable with myself I guess. I got to know myself in a way I never had before. And then out of the blue I met my husband. Through him I found out what love is and that I am capable not only of love but loving to a depth I never dreamed of. There is a great line in a movie, "Love isn't a feeling it is an ability". And now I truly believe that. BTW he broke every rule there was and he surprised me at every turn with how much he loved me. Perhaps that will help you in some way. That there are people out there who have the same problem you do. You are not some alien life form. And happiness is possible. But you are right. You have to find out how to be complete without romance. And now you get to get started on that right away.
mr.reverb Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 WOW.... Been there done that. I got hooked emotionaly and ended up falling.... HARD. We ended up having a massive break up (if you can call it that) when I wanted her to leave her man. It's a VERY hard place to be in. You can't get out when you know that's what needs to happen, but you can't help but to stay because you feel so goo with her. All the advice in the world wont help you.... i'm sorry. You're going to do what you're going to do no matter what. Like I said, I've been there..... and there's nothing you can do accept stay as long as you can, or cut your losses. If you choose the latter, be sure to cut them completely, no e-mails, no contact of any type. Otherwise you'll never be able to let go.
skywriter Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Ricky, You are a smart guy, with so much going for you. When I got involved with a MM, I thought I had myself together and I did physically and financially. Now two and half yrs later, ,as you said, "emotionally", I didn't have it all together. I think that I was vulnerable and didn't allow myself better. I believe inside, there has been alot of self loating going on. Now, I just want to love myself . From your posts, you have a good head on your shoulders and a big heart. You were smart enough to stop this A, early on.
Sands_of_time Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 OP--you definitely sound like you have it together. Look at that list of accomplisments in your life? That is something to be proud of. You worked at them and made them a reality. With regards to the OW your best bet is to go NC. Full on NC and no pussyfooting around. No coffee dates to chat, no seeing how each other is holding up. Go NC all the way--even if she texts, emails, wiggles her breasts in your face. In your early post you asked something to the effect of: who should end this thing? Coming from the BS's side if I discovered the affair and saw you having coffee together my instincts just might take over. I will rip your balls out through your throat, my friend. There are many possibilities in how this will end and this is just one answer to your question. The BS will end it for you. You are smarter than this--I can feel it in your posts. Good luck...
desertmoon Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 ahn yong haseyo, Ricky! maybe you should spend some time figuring out why you are so needy. You are apparently an accomplished man- totally hip, very cool, upwardly mobile, so much promise, etc.etc... I am not trying to bash you here. I just want to tell you from one woman's perspective you appear to be easily manipulated. Did you not say this: Unlike most men maybe, I am not the type of guy that dates many women at once, I tend to focus my attention on 1-2 at a time, and truthfully I am only dealing with other women now, because I don’t want to be surprisedSo go deal with the other women in your life...it is not like she was the only one, right? c'mon Ricky....snap out of it...her husband is probably an Iraq vet and has PTSD...if he goes violent on your behind, he might not go to jail!
Author Ricky01 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 ahn yong haseyo, Ricky! maybe you should spend some time figuring out why you are so needy. You are apparently an accomplished man- totally hip, very cool, upwardly mobile, so much promise, etc.etc... I am not trying to bash you here. I just want to tell you from one woman's perspective you appear to be easily manipulated. Did you not say this: So go deal with the other women in your life...it is not like she was the only one, right? c'mon Ricky....snap out of it...her husband is probably an Iraq vet and has PTSD...if he goes violent on your behind, he might not go to jail! Ne anyoung, chigum, mani baboahyo. You all are right, of course. Why am I so needy? Thats an interesting question. I would say I am not, but I have fooled myself several times before. So **** it, I don't know. I don't need any drama with a guy, because well I am that Iraq and Afghanistan vet. Diagnosed with PTSD, Desertmoon is on the ball, just wrong guy. One post was correct, I will do what I do. I can see complete NC is necessary. I also appreciate the compliments, though I feel silly receieving them, I feelliek I have been fishing for self confidence. So to clear the air, I am not unconfident, I am a yankee and very hard headed, so I may also be considered arrogant or concieted to the non-northeasterner. I get that alot everywhere other than CT/NJ/NY/MA area. Thanks for the advice. I have slipped up, but I will keep these words in mind. I am sorry if I disappoint anyone.
Author Ricky01 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 WOW.... Been there done that. I got hooked emotionaly and ended up falling.... HARD. We ended up having a massive break up (if you can call it that) when I wanted her to leave her man. It's a VERY hard place to be in. You can't get out when you know that's what needs to happen, but you can't help but to stay because you feel so goo with her. All the advice in the world wont help you.... i'm sorry. You're going to do what you're going to do no matter what. Like I said, I've been there..... and there's nothing you can do accept stay as long as you can, or cut your losses. If you choose the latter, be sure to cut them completely, no e-mails, no contact of any type. Otherwise you'll never be able to let go. Thanks for coming into the discussion, granted everyone here has given me great advice, but because you have experienced my situation. I feel a little relieved that I am not the only one. As long as I can? I hope I am not going to have to move again to really cut my losses. This city isn't like Miami, where it is easy to forget one pretty face for another, this is a how in the wall city, where attractive women of my taste are hard to come by. Excuses Excuses Excuses. I know.
Reggie Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Sushimi:bunny:. Why the need to find a replacement so quickly? Who cares if there is a dearth of women you find attractive? Can't you be on your own for a while?
skywriter Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Ricky, Getting off the subject, just want to extend my sincerest gratitude for your timed served in the military. On the subject of the MW and yourself. I would suggest you just lay low for a while and give yourself some time. Maybe you don't need advice and who am I to give it, as I have made the same mistake with a MM. I am trying to move on with my life and I suppose I am only thinking this from what I feel is best for me. I just consider the obvious, how can I ever have a healthy relationship and give the best of myself to another if I don't heal emotionally. I'll just keep seeking dead end relationships.
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