Concerns of a Toyfriend

[Ricky01]

I have been involved within an affair for about 3 months. The history involved, is no more interesting than anyone else’s, but lately I am uncertain of how I feel being involved with such an ordeal.

I met her at her job in the summer of last year when I was moving away out of state. I briefly pursued her, due to her beauty and shared interest. Primarily, she avoided my attempts to meet her or call her, but eventually I learned why; because she was married. At that point I apologized to ensure I didn’t offend her and I moved away.

Over a half of year later, I receive an email from her asking how I am, and how she has been. To my surprise and relief, I didn’t offend her and we began talking a little at a time, and became friendly… even more so than before. In all of this suddenness, I accepted a job interview back in the city and state where I had lived before (where she lives), and I ended up seeing her in person and sparks flew. Needless to say, I also accepted the job offer, especially due to the economic situation at hand and moved back. 3 months later sparks are still flying every time we meet up, which due to her husband’s frequent long business trips is quite often. Even when he is in town, they seem to spend much time apart and doing separate things, but the question begins to press, “Where is this going?” and “Who will end this?” I know this isn’t a long term arrangement; it can’t be. I keep myself reminded often to not feel anything more for her than just sexual attraction.

I do not try to attempt to sound like a counselor or even the innocent factor in this equation. Due to the writing on this very website, I know she came to me because, I am younger, perhaps more fit or attractive in an affair type of way, and also I am fairly entertaining to her intimately and vice versa.

I also, won’t deny that I am extremely attracted to her, where it is obvious that I am. She is a beautiful, petite Asian American woman in her later 20s, with a near perfect physique and flattering bust. It personally confuses me from an outsider perspective, how

1.She and her husband don’t have sexual chemistry (allegedly, she told me)

2.How he cannot be concerned about the absence of sex.

I don’t look into her situation too much, or at least I try not to, because I don’t really want him or their marriage on my mind. I am holding a very careless role in this affair, and that is only for our pleasure and staying undetected.

Personally, I am not looking to be her replacement, and certainly not a reason for divorce, nor do I think she would ever do that. But, I am beginning to wonder how much longer this can last. I am not seeking a girlfriend because, well honestly, relationships have proved to be not as valuable as they are advertised to be, in my opinion of course. In my time, I have seen this type of scenario played over and over again. Just this time, I am involved with it. In an awkward way feel for her because it seems her marriage is unfulfilling, and I even feel for him, because I could only imagine how disappointing it would have to be to find out your wife has been cheating, right under one’s eye. Perhaps I feel bad for myself because I lacked the discipline to prevent this or even remove myself without asking advice from you.

Unlike most men maybe, I am not the type of guy that dates many women at once, I tend to focus my attention on 1-2 at a time, and truthfully I am only dealing with other women now, because I don’t want to be surprised and begin to develop more than lustful emotions for this woman mentioned, because all it does is spell trouble for all of us involved.

I will be lying if I said I want this to end, but I will also be foolish to say, I think this is healthy.

What can you make of this?

[whichwayisup]

3 months... You haven't invested a whole lot into her and your affair, unlike her husband who has a history with her. They said vows, have entwined families, friends, neighbours, a life built together.. If you feel so bad by helping her cheat and betray her husband, then END IT. Obviously you don't feel bad enough (sorry to be harsh here) because the A isn't over.

 

Go read in the infidelity section and read about the betrayed spouses, how their lives are turned upside down after finding out about their spouses betrayal and lies..

 

Read posts in this section so you can see how much pain you'll be in if you choose to stay in the affair. The choice is yours..

[carhill]

Try this: Tell her how you feel and that, regardless, you respect and support her commitment to her husband. Be a relationship supporter. Tell her that, if what you both share is real, it will stand the test of time; time apart to gain clarity of your individual paths in life. Tell her you hope you'll meet her again when she can give you all of herself like you wish to give to her.

 

Then, listen and compare to what you know her actions to be.

 

Time reveals all truths

[Reggie]

I can't add anything terribly insightful. This is a very dishonest way to conduct yoourself, as you know.

What strikes me is just how amazingly the same most of these situations are.

I' m sure her husband is as unfulfilled as she is. You'd be doing the guy a favor by either telling him or taking him off her hands. I thanked the OM in my situation and I meant it. He'd relieved me of a terrible burden.I came out smelling like a rose in my XW's family's eyes and in my kids' eyes.

[Ricky01]

You all are correct (Carhill, WhichWay, and Reggie),

 

I know this is a very dishonest ordeal. I am sympathetic, and I will make the appropriate changes. Truthfully, I thought this would of expired naturally by now.

 

The real pending issue is the way we relate to one another, Mainly using Korea as our glue. (She is Korean and I lived in Korea for 5 years, while speaking and understanding the customs)

I know this isnt an excuse, but its a means to an end. Things got a little too thick for me, when this past Valentines Day came to. I never planned on spending quality time with her, and perhaps it is me that is starting to cling and not her.

 

Reading some of these topics has made me realized that there is more on my mind than I am mentioning, but since this topic is about A's I will keep it as such.

 

Thank you very much for your insights, and especially the link about avoiding your ex in every manner possible.

I truthfully think this is how I ended up in THIS situation.

 

One question though,

I read in a E-book, that when a lover breaks the A with the spouse, she in returns deflects that anger or abandonment on her spouse, therefore making turmoil in her house and life.

I do care that her life isnt ruined from this ordeal, as a man I think this should never make the light of day.

You have any suggestions on how to do this?

 

For example, I am leaving town purposely to get out of the situation for a few days, mentally and physically, (I have another woman friend meeting me.) My birthday is coming up and she knows it, since I can't be here ( I don't want another emotional type of holiday spent with her, because well... I feel I am just fooling myself.) She wants to do dinner for my bday, which will end up with us going home together. Should I really just be cold enough to drop this on her tonight when her intentions are to help me out, since Im the one with a birthday and no spouse. (I wouldnt even try to celebrate her birthday, if he was in town)

 

I do know what needs to be done, I just wonder if I am about to do this in the best manner possible.

 

I am thinking I will let tonight happen without raising flags and leave town this weekend. When I return, she wants to see me. I will then use that time to ease off her. Does that sound good enough?

 

I am seriously just in the need of direction.

[TOWinNYC]

I'm personally all for "ripping off the bandaid" - but she might make it harder than you think. Good luck.

[Reggie]

I think you shoud just do it by phone and rip the bandaid off, as someone else suggested. No sense dragging this out since you've realized how wrong it is. Just tell her it's over and move on.

[Ricky01]

sounds like a plan.

[wheretogo]

I have been that woman, what make your story more related is I am an asian woman, petite. My friend was also way younger than me, we had one and half year A. it broke it off, and ruined my whole life.

 

It will be much easier for you, you can start everything new and move on, what the A did to her will turn her once maybe "ok" life to hell.

 

I hate guys like you!

[desertmoon]

I have been that woman, what make your story more related is I am an asian woman, petite. My friend was also way younger than me, we had one and half year A. it broke it off, and ruined my whole life.

 

It will be much easier for you, you can start everything new and move on, what the A did to her will turn her once maybe "ok" life to hell.

 

I hate guys like you!

 

 

hmmm...never bet what you can't afford to lose...besides affairs have nothing to do with ethnic backgrounds...unless you are saying older Asian women can easily attract younger men...that's understandable..we never look like our age..we look way younger than our age!

 

Get past the hate. There's another younger man somewhere...this time find a young, single doctor...make mom and grandma happy!

[norajane]

I never planned on spending quality time with her, and perhaps it is me that is starting to cling and not her.

 

Don't fool yourself. Your thread title includes the word "toyfriend".

 

Whether that's what you think of your role here, or what she thinks of your role, using that word belies anything deeper regardless of how you try to explain it.

[Ricky01]

 

It will be much easier for you, you can start everything new and move on, what the A did to her will turn her once maybe "ok" life to hell.

 

I hate guys like you!

 

I have been reading advice, from what appears to be mostly men. So I ask you, since this has been very similiar to your situation. What would you have preffered to happen? Tell me from your point of view because this is insight I need to know.

 

norajane-

 

I am not certain what you meant by "bellies", but yes the title included "toyfriend" it is a term used out of a Jay Z and Pharrell Williams song. While there is truth to that title, it is just humor really, with the intent of making people curious enough to read. This is more serious obviously than the title portrays, so I am still open to views, especially women that have been in this situation.

 

desertmoon -

I didnt mean to lead that ethnicity had a role in this A. I was just trying to draw a concise, yet accurate sketch for people to draw. I am attracted to all races of women, but I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that I have a preference for Asian or Latina women, for I am from Miami, and spent a great deal of time in Asia. I am not sure if there is any advice that can be useful based upon her being Korean alone. I can say that the major reason why we clicked was that I am much more open minded than her lifestyle in general, she is very conservative on a public face, until we spend time together.

 

I want to be clear, I am not trying to ruin her life. Yes, this isnt the honest way of going about things, but I don't regret it, I just know this can't last and when it is time for it to end, I want her to be able go back with little or no complication. Everyday is different, and I knwo she don't want it to end...yet. Shoudl I let this play out until she wants to leave? Personally I woudl rathe rher leave me and be finished than me leave her and put her into a depression or anxiety.

[desertmoon]

I can say that the major reason why we clicked was that I am much more open minded than her lifestyle in general, she is very conservative on a public face, until we spend time together.

 

so you click because you are opposites in public?????? I am confused. However, I do understand the more "conservative in public,...until we spend time together" thing." It's a dichotomy. I won't go into it...because that's not why you are here...

Questions: Do you love her? Do you want to be with her long term? What is the ethnic background of her husband? what is yours? What are you prepared to do for her? What is she prepared to do for you?

 

I can almost guarantee you that breaking up with her will be DRAMA...why? because it comes with the territory... if an asian woman is ok with a break-up..it would appear she was just in it for the fun (that won't sit very well in the psyche)....and did not have profound feelings for you...very few asian women would admit they were in it for the SEX (of course, there are the progressive ones, who are "westernize" and frowned upon by the traditionalists who are actually ok with casual sex and such!)...so yes, prepare yourself for tears, anger, "i hate yous", threats of suicide,....or maybe she's one of the progressive ones?

[Meaplus3]

because all it does is spell trouble for all of us involved.

 

Yes. It does spell trouble she is a married woman.

 

 

 

I will be lying if I said I want this to end, but I will also be foolish to say, I think this is healthy.

What can you make of this?

 

If you don't want this to end than what sort of outcome do you see? Do you think she will leave her H for you?

 

Mea:)

[Ricky01]

or maybe she's one of the progressive ones?

 

She is progressive, I believe. I am hoping in all aspects, including when its time to end it. I can see how it was confusing, the whole attraction comment I made, I was writing too fast too really thoroughly explain. My point was simple though, we just click in a way she isn't normally used to.

 

I am not in love with her, and I dont want her to leave her husband, but that was clear from the beginning, between us. I have no reason to think she wants this to end either, I personally thought this would of faded out by now. Her husband is white btw. Other than that, I don't know.

 

I know it has to end, its just a matter of when, perhaps there will be no drama, I just wanted to take the step ahead and see what people that have been involved with this before have to say.

 

I am personally out of town right now, and used this time sit back out of the situation. I am trying to figure out, whether to let this play its role like intended, or go ahead and jump the gun and end this before things get more complicated, Her husband is still away fro weeks, and I am not sure if ending this now while shes alone is wise because shes alone, or best because it gives her time before he returns.

 

I hope I am not going in circles.

[desertmoon]

ahhh...i get it...you know what you need to do-end the affair and make it quick.

[wheretogo]

It was a culture shock for me that guys like you chase a good looking women only for sex. I am just wandering, How many woman have you been having sex in your life? And how many are you going to have in the future even if after you are married? You seems do not have any problems to handle more than one woman at the same time.

 

True, I was a cheating wife, but I was in a loveless / sexless marriage for many years. We stopped having sex for a few years before my affair, The attraction to my husband somehow is lost although I think I am an attractive woman.

 

I do not know how much nice words you have said to your OW. I bet if you just told your OW that “I just want to have sex with you, nothing else” she will end up sleeping with you. Maybe your OW is different, she only want sex from you. My case, I am traditional Asian woman, when the A with a white man ended, it broke me because I was shocked about people can walk in and out other’s life just like that.

 

To me, there is no good way to end affair, someone will get hurt, in your case, chances are you will not be the one. Next time, when you find someone is attractive to you but married, leave them alone.

 

Sorry if I sounded harsh. But it is what it is.

[blinded]

You sound very much like someone I know. I always heard, "I adore you", "I think the world of you", and "I enjoy being w/you". But the best one is: "I love...our sex and I'm in love with her, not you." OUCH!

 

Have you even discussed w/her your thoughts/concerns? I am sure that she has the same ones as well. Considering this isn't a 'normal' relationship, maybe you could work it out w/her your boundaries are. From experience, as much as I heard the truth and his boundaries, it didn't hurt any less.

 

You are being admirable by stating your intentions upfront. Yet you're somewhat taking advantage of the situation. She is vulnerable in a bad relationship and is taking comfort in any type of human compassion. Her lust for you may be mistaken for love.

 

Women can easily be led by their emotions. If you truly care about her, leave her alone- stop messing w/her head. Maybe it's best to break it off when the H is away. That way she may turn to him in comfort. Unless you know her very well, you can't predict how she'll react from the break up. Of course some may be opposite and take the anger out on her H, but that's not your responsibility.

 

I find that when my lover didn't show much attention my way, I got a clear head and focused more on my H. His loss of attention was my H's gain. Like everyone else said, it will only end badly. Sure, you have all the good feelings now, but when it ends, what you'll both be left with is hurt and regret.

[Island Girl]

I have been that woman, what make your story more related is I am an asian woman, petite. My friend was also way younger than me, we had one and half year A. it broke it off, and ruined my whole life.

 

It will be much easier for you, you can start everything new and move on, what the A did to her will turn her once maybe "ok" life to hell.

 

I hate guys like you!

 

Yeah you had NO responsibility for yourself, your life, and your decision to betray your spouse.

 

Here's a thought:

 

Your mess is your fault because you shouldn't have been doing what you were doing in the first place.

You should hate yourself not the guy. sheesh

[Ricky01]

Well ok after reading everyone's opinions and views, I thank you all for participating. Some of the views felt a bit unfair and judgemental, but then again I suppose I diserve it due to the type of emotions that this ordeal can stir up within people.

 

I want to share that I am nervous, I have never been involved with an actual Marriage affair, I mean I have seen women with bfs and such, but this is different. It feels wrong because, well it is.

 

I feel I have disobeyed the rules, and began to feel something. The past week has been full of confusion, within my own head. It has come to the point where I can no longer ignore it or play it off nonchalant. I wonder if it is even worth discussing (because what can possibly be benefit of analyzing this further) our situations and feelings about it. I am thinking that this is actually the "fade out naturally" I mentioned before, except... not the way I had foreseen.

 

I am stuck on a line, either share my feelings and feel foolish or save face and just explain little and be certain this is finished.

 

Perhaps caring for someone is best done through percieved stability. Maybe if I pretend this hasn't struck an emotional cord within me, that she will be able to go back to where she was and like someone said, look for her husband in this time of need.

 

I can see where my selfishness lies now, I am afraid of being the lone person out, without a shoulder to lean on. Whatever little clarity I have is this, this isn't about me, because in life sometimes you just have to respect things larger than you.

 

I am not sure how to other explain this, other than you have to give right-a-way to buses if you are a car.

 

Perhaps I just need to do this out of respect of the larger subject at hand, not my feelings but a friend's marriage.

Perhaps I am not even talking to anyone in here other than just myself.

 

Regardless of the views of myself to myself or others, I have to be able to respect myself, for I am losing sight of who I really am. I am not suitable for bf if I am succeptable to this behavior.

 

I rationalized it as simply being there for her, but who was I kidding? I just made things from a theoretical bad situation into a literal one.

 

Thanks for the views and tips.

[Island Girl]

I'd think about going the non-emotional route.

 

She already may be prone to an emotional reaction but I think it will be more so if she thinks she has some of your heart.

 

Who knows how it will go down with the husband - it is a person you have been in a relationship but really know nothing about. He has been there - silently.

 

You don't need an angry confrontation from him.

 

You really sound like a guy with a good head on his shoulders and I am sorry you got into this whole thing.

 

But people have died over this kind of stuff so just be careful.

[Ricky01]

We ended it today. While I am not particularly pleased with that. I feel hopeful. Tomorrow she will be one step closer to back to normal, at least thats how I am imagining it.

 

She said that she was feeling similiar to I, our correspondence was of maybe 6 text messages, two 5 minute Yahoo IM Sessions, and 12 minutes on the phone.

 

Time to prepare for the withdrawl symptoms that come with NC.

 

I know I was beginning to go the wrong route with this even though I was consciously trying to avoid it, I was lookign into the future and somehow I saw her there, still married even.

 

So some how I was turnign an affair into a relationship and I didn't even know it.

 

I guess I am just F*ct in the head, I think being alone would be the right option for me for awhile.

 

Thank you all again for your time and advice.

[Ricky01]

I knda messed that up, we chatted and shared emails yesterday.

She wanted to meet for coffee, to talk.

 

I dont think I can do this, my intentions were to help her, but now I am feeling liek the victim or something, I already miss her.

 

Its not that I was trying to prove a point or be cool, I just wanted to doig somethign right, by ending her back to her husband.

 

But now, I have no one to hug lol, she has her husband.

I was there when she needed the attention, and he's there for now when she needs the attention.

 

I need attention lol, but I already cut that off. And in these moments, I deffinitely don't look to meet a new affection buddy. You only attract snakes when you are in the need of affection.

 

this sucks

[Island Girl]

It is harder on you the longer you stay in contact.

 

I hear you that it is rough. I would suppose this is one of the many reasons an affair is not a great relationship choice Even if that choice was just supposed to be for fun, someone always is going to get hurt and more often than not - everybody gets hurt.

 

I am glad you ended it now before you got even more deeply involved.

 

Is there anything you can do to keep yourself busy?

If you do NC it hurts but you will feel much better sooner.

 

If you keep contact, even LC, it is like ripping the scab off of a wound so it has to start over again to heal.

 

Look after yourself. Do not worry about her at all.

It doesn't matter what she wants or what she thinks she needs.

As you aptly pointed out, she has her husband to turn to for anything like that. She should have been doing that in the first place instead of pulling a third party into her relationship and creating this hurtful mess.

- Yes you were a knowing participant but she took vows with her husband.

 

So don't worry about how she is doing or what she feels. She can reconcile that with him.

 

Just focus on you and what you need and you'll be much better for it.

[Ricky01]

It is harder on you the longer you stay in contact.

 

I hear you that it is rough. I would suppose this is one of the many reasons an affair is not a great relationship choice Even if that choice was just supposed to be for fun, someone always is going to get hurt and more often than not - everybody gets hurt.

 

I am glad you ended it now before you got even more deeply involved.

 

Is there anything you can do to keep yourself busy?

If you do NC it hurts but you will feel much better sooner.

 

If you keep contact, even LC, it is like ripping the scab off of a wound so it has to start over again to heal.

 

Look after yourself. Do not worry about her at all.

It doesn't matter what she wants or what she thinks she needs.

As you aptly pointed out, she has her husband to turn to for anything like that. She should have been doing that in the first place instead of pulling a third party into her relationship and creating this hurtful mess.

- Yes you were a knowing participant but she took vows with her husband.

 

So don't worry about how she is doing or what she feels. She can reconcile that with him.

 

Just focus on you and what you need and you'll be much better for it.

 

I didn't know where to quote, so I did it all, since it all seemed helpful. I am realizing that I think this isn't only about her (us).

Yes I am saddened by this loss, I do consider it a loss. I would love to be able just brush it off my shoulders. I know I need to, honestly I do.

I am not even sure if this any longer fits into this thread, but I guess I am just one of them lonely people.

 

At a glance of me, and I am not trying to be arrogant, but my profile is.

 

Race: Native American and Italian

Age: 26

Height: 5'10"

Weight: 198 -205 lbs

Build: Athletic; Builder, not so much runner

Education: BS Professional Aeronautics and working on COMPTIA Certs.

Hobbies: Traveling, private investments, action sports, and being intimate

Languages: English, Spanish, and Korean (moderate)

 

My interests have had me span from being an English Teacher, Systems Engineer, Instructor, Air Traffic Controller, Film Maker, and even produced and managed an international Music Tours for a Big Name in the US hip hop scene.

 

I constantly seem to wallow in my own innerpersonal grief. Why I can't seem to connect to someone that can truely connect to me. Women ask me, how I can possibly be single. Even my XOW did.

 

I have broken hearts, but never by cheating, or abuse. Usually my break ups were do to lack of me not being in one place long enough to flourish maybe the ugly word of abandonment or preoccupied.

I then, had an extremely meaningful relationship, that failed... if one really wanted to know, its in other threads.

 

Since then, I have been peculiar with women and my inner-emotions (yea emotions are inner already, but I mean even deeper) I had perfected the balance of enjoyment without the grief of the relationship, or so i thought.

 

This ordeal reminded me alot of the last time I lost someone that held a role in my life. Perhaps the heartbreak that defined me to this person now. You are right, it started off as fun, as me being a very sexual person, I even enjoyed the suprising my XOW and tiring her out (sorry if that is too much info)

 

But, I am not the player, a woman would assume. I am not sure if I miss XOW, the XGF, or maybe I am just tired of feeling there's no one that can relate to me, enough to decide I am worth giving, what i can give to them...

 

I think I am making this harder on myself, and well I just am really relieved I have this forum here, because otherwise... I would of gone insane.

 

What is important is that I come to grips with the reality and realize truely more than just a saying, "This was never meant to be." I think thats why I accepted it initially, because I thought I woudlnt be hurt by this, I already knew what to expect towards the end... I was wrong, and day by day I know I will be stronger again. I cant speak a word of this to my friends lol. Us Army guys are too tough for all of this... in public.

 

But I still miss the touch of my XOW. She made me feel needed and appreciated, even though it wasn't complete or true... I guess I wasn't THAT picky.

 

I need to find how to make myself feel happy and complete without romance.

 

Thanks for reading.