NC problems ???

[mendsley]

I have decided to have NC and it is pretty tough. I have talked everyday to this woman for the last 10 years and all of a sudden, I have to STOP.

 

What really makes this hard is, she is freaking calling me everyday or close to it.

 

When she calls I do not want to be rude so I am nice, respectful, and keep things on a friendship level.

 

Should I being acting like that? should I just not answer?

 

Another thing that bugs me is we call each other little special names, and she still calls me by it.

 

What the heck, she said being alone is what she wants!! Why is she still acting like this?? I am so confused

 

Is it breaking NC when she calls me?

 

We do have children so calling to give each other info about the children is NOT breaking NC, but ever since I have decided to NC she calls just to chop it up. She has not done that for quite a while??

[carhill]

"We're not together anymore. I'm not your honey anymore (or whatever name she calls you)". "I'm trying to move forward with my life and wish to only have contact with you regarding our children. I hope that you can respect that"

 

You must have situational LC because you have children. That's fine. As long as contact is regarding the children, it should meet with your approval. It's up to both of you to keep it in that territory. Set your boundaries and communicate them. Communication habits don't change overnight or easily. It takes work. Good luck!

[Frankasy]

Ok, so you were married to her? And why all of a sudden after 10 years do you want to go NC?

 

Anyways if you have kids with her I suggest that for the sake of them you two don't go NC, don't even be friends. Just meet each other when you two are supposed to spend time with the kids and act like nothing's wrong between you two in the eyes of your kids.

[TrustInYourself]

If you are building positive interaction with the calls you do have, that's good.

 

I would suggest missing a call here and there and when she asks where you have been, just tell her busy.

[mendsley]

Frankasy if you are interested in a little background on my situation here is the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t167627/

 

I know NC is to better myself in the long run, but man it would really make my day if she called and REALLY wanted to talk.

 

I am trying hard to get out of that frame of mind so I am only gonna keep it to the kids.

 

It will be very hard for me but, she is gonna have to know that I do not really want to talk unless it will be about the kids.

 

I know when I tell her that, her pride will keep her from ever calling me. So I will have to prepare myself for that

[TrustInYourself]

Frankasy if you are interested in a little background on my situation here is the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t167627/

 

I know NC is to better myself in the long run, but man it would really make my day if she called and REALLY wanted to talk.

 

I am trying hard to get out of that frame of mind so I am only gonna keep it to the kids.

 

It will be very hard for me but, she is gonna have to know that I do not really want to talk unless it will be about the kids.

 

I know when I tell her that, her pride will keep her from ever calling me. So I will have to prepare myself for that

 

You want that call? You need to take actions where that call doesn't even matter to you anymore. You have to prove you can live without her and be happy. That's when she will call you. At that point, would you want her back? That's how you take a situation you feel is out of your control and put it in your control

 

Focus on your realm of control and do not worry about things/actions/people that do not concern you.

[mendsley]

I just found a cool sites that has a ton of information, maybe it can help someone

 

http://equalityinmarriage.org

http://www.enotalone.com/

 

 

MIKE

[Owl]

What, SPECIFICALLY, is your reason for going NC?

 

What, SPECIFICALLY, is it about NC that you feel will benefit your situation?

 

I'm not calling you out here...I want to make sure I understand what you're intending to gain with it so that I can post appropriate advice.

[mendsley]

Hey Owl,

I am tired of going thru pain. What I mean by that is when we talk it is like everything in her world is perfectly fine and she has already moved on.

 

She never ever wants to sit down and really talk about our future, which ever way it ends up.

 

I don't want to paint a picture like she does'nt even seem to care at all and she is evil, she is a really good woman and she is her own person. She did say on valentines day that she is concerned with hurting me and I truly believe in my heart she does not want to hurt me and that is why we are not divorced yet.

 

I am honostly at a complete blank on what else to do. I talk to friends, family, and post here many times and frankly I am getting tired of talking about it, and im sure people are tired of hearing it, and tired of looking for someone to give me what I want to hear, sounds funny I know.

 

So I feel that NC would give me time to accept that she is moving on and the feeling she had once are history. She controls our marriage right now and she needs to move on. Everytime we talk I give myself this thought of she sounded really good towards me, maybe we can start to work on things and when it does not happen or the next time we talk I pick up on a wierd vibe I fall apart. Instant pain.

 

I really do not want to end it but, I am left with nothing else to do.

 

I am not going to file the divorce because I really do not want it and I am afraid if I go get the divorce I will always question that action, so the ball is in her court for that.

 

I hope any of this makes sense

[Owl]

It makes good sense.

 

And...here's my advice.

 

Tell HER that...in pretty much the exact same words you stated here.

 

Tell HER that you no longer want to talk with her...no longer want to hear from her...for all of those reasons you just mentioned.

 

Point blank...without anger, without remorse.

 

And then tell her "goodbye", and hang up the phone.

 

Can you think of a better way to get your point across, and hopefully reach your goals?

[mendsley]

Thanks Owl, that is what I need to tell her and I know it is.

 

It will be hard and I'm not sure when it will happen but, it will.

 

I just want to make sure I give it enough time.

 

Maybe time without any contact would give me the balls to do it

 

MIKE

[Flame84]

Hey Owl,

I am tired of going thru pain. What I mean by that is when we talk it is like everything in her world is perfectly fine and she has already moved on.

 

She never ever wants to sit down and really talk about our future, which ever way it ends up.

 

I don't want to paint a picture like she does'nt even seem to care at all and she is evil, she is a really good woman and she is her own person. She did say on valentines day that she is concerned with hurting me and I truly believe in my heart she does not want to hurt me and that is why we are not divorced yet.

 

I am honostly at a complete blank on what else to do. I talk to friends, family, and post here many times and frankly I am getting tired of talking about it, and im sure people are tired of hearing it, and tired of looking for someone to give me what I want to hear, sounds funny I know.

 

So I feel that NC would give me time to accept that she is moving on and the feeling she had once are history. She controls our marriage right now and she needs to move on. Everytime we talk I give myself this thought of she sounded really good towards me, maybe we can start to work on things and when it does not happen or the next time we talk I pick up on a wierd vibe I fall apart. Instant pain.

 

I really do not want to end it but, I am left with nothing else to do.

 

I am not going to file the divorce because I really do not want it and I am afraid if I go get the divorce I will always question that action, so the ball is in her court for that.

 

I hope any of this makes sense

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God how strange life is , im in the same exact boat. but with only 7 years marrige and no kids. and my husband is the one who asked for space. he is not contacting me at all except when it comes to the car and the driver(we have one car that we share and a driver that takes me to work) he only text me if he needs him or if he dosent.

 

i go crazy trying to find any excuse to call him,i miss him and so afriad that the NC will just make him move on and forget all about me, cant bare the idea of not having him in my life. but the way you say NC would help you makes alot of sence, Maybe i should do the same.

 

i know the pain your going through, its ok keep posting at least i still want to hear it , to know that im not alone...

 

I pray for strength for me and you.

[mendsley]

Hey Flame84, I would love to write you something that would help ease your pain, and I know that would be helpfull right about now.

 

The truth is I am a complete mess, I am on such an emotional roller coaster. One day I feel as if i have this great plan and know exactly what to do and then the next I am like "I can't think like that, I need to do what ever it takes to win her love".

 

My couselor has told me that I need to be her friend, her support system, and provide some structure. He said that she could be going thru a stage in her life that she is confused, disorented, and testing the waters and eventually she will crash off this high and be looking for those qualities of support.

 

When I get on here people have really good advice and have seen what normally happens with most people in our situation and most people here tell me to just move on and forget it.

 

So you can see my problem, I get advice from two different people who I respect and value. The information I get is opposite of each other and both make perfect sense but, I know it boils down to what I feel is good for me.

 

And I am choosing to start making myself happy, I want to be the person who decides my emotions and I am going to stop giving her the ability to control ME.

 

It will be hard for me and I know I will bounce back and forth but if I have a plan and stick to the plan, no matter what emotion I am high on at the time, I know I will over come this.

 

Please feel free to talk to me if you like, I will give you my email and if you ever feel you need to talk to someone who knows how you feel please feel free

 

MIKE

[TrustInYourself]

I remember those thoughts and those emotions. They formed the catalyst to my actions. Use the situation to find yourself.

 

I gave my spouse space to miss me. I focused on myself, just as you have done.

 

She did not realize or appreciate me, until I regained myself, my social life, my happiness, on my own. I wasn't attractive to her, until I could bring back the man she loved.

 

What do you think she feels by knowing you are there for her? What do you think she feels by knowing you are not there? What do her actions tell you?

 

There may or may not be someone else. My opinion is to be a better person regardless.

 

I would love to tell you what to do or guide you through this, since I have been there. But honestly, you know your spouses better than any of us. You know yourselves better than anyone here on LS.

 

Use that knowledge and take advantage of the situation. Take control and keep hope. I think anything can happen, as long as you have the strength and initiative to do so. Happiness comes to those that make it.

 

Take care.

[mendsley]

TrustInYourself, thank you for all of your replies you have and have always provided good information

 

I have read and read your reply asking myself those questions and let me try to answer them;

 

What do you think she feels by knowing you are there for her?

That is a good question, I am not too sure. I am torn I feel like she feels that I am there for her and will always be there so she can do what ever she wants for the time being because I am there and she knows I won't leave on my own. But on the other side of the coin I would like to think that she knows I am there and that is why it is so hard for her to go and file the D. Hopefully she is realizing that me being there for her like no one else on earth, IS something she wants in life.

 

What do you think she feels by knowing you are not there?

She has told me that she really likes to be by herself. She likes the idea of not answering to any one, or feels obligated to clean the house, feel bad when she gets off work and justs wants to lay around even if there are dishes to do, and go and leave freely to clubs and party with her friends. All that seems fine but holy crap that seems like it will get old and lonely.

 

What do her actions tell you?

Lately her actions have been she has moved on but, wants me there just in case. I could be wrong on that but, she will call every once in while and it is almost always cause she has a question or needs help. Phsycologically it could be that feels I am the person she wants to help her, she could call many other people for some of the things she needs help with but she chooses me. I could be reading to much into that too

 

BTW: I am going on day 4 of not calling her or texting her. It was hard this morning but I forced myself to not text her. I have been texting her about every other day to let her know I was thinking of her and wished her a lovely day. NO MORE of that $hit

[TrustInYourself]

TrustInYourself, thank you for all of your replies you have and have always provided good information

 

I have read and read your reply asking myself those questions and let me try to answer them;

 

 

That is a good question, I am not too sure. I am torn I feel like she feels that I am there for her and will always be there so she can do what ever she wants for the time being because I am there and she knows I won't leave on my own. But on the other side of the coin I would like to think that she knows I am there and that is why it is so hard for her to go and file the D. Hopefully she is realizing that me being there for her like no one else on earth, IS something she wants in life.

 

 

She has told me that she really likes to be by herself. She likes the idea of not answering to any one, or feels obligated to clean the house, feel bad when she gets off work and justs wants to lay around even if there are dishes to do, and go and leave freely to clubs and party with her friends. All that seems fine but holy crap that seems like it will get old and lonely.

 

 

Lately her actions have been she has moved on but, wants me there just in case. I could be wrong on that but, she will call every once in while and it is almost always cause she has a question or needs help. Phsycologically it could be that feels I am the person she wants to help her, she could call many other people for some of the things she needs help with but she chooses me. I could be reading to much into that too

 

BTW: I am going on day 4 of not calling her or texting her. It was hard this morning but I forced myself to not text her. I have been texting her about every other day to let her know I was thinking of her and wished her a lovely day. NO MORE of that $hit

 

Yeah, I got the same type of replies. What does she hope to accomplish with this separation? Losing you? Because it's happening.

 

Is she looking for someone else to replace you emotionally or physically? Because that's happening.

 

She's tired of being married. Yeah, she wants freedom, that's cool.

 

I think what I expressed while my wife was gone, was that I was happy when she was happy. Sure, find someone else, make a good life, I will be happy for you. I forced myself to see things from her perspective and to become part of her support. That was hard. I had to go outside myself.

 

Now what comes into play is does she respect and love you enough, to see the consequences?

 

Are you at a point emotionally and physically, to look past your own wants and needs and tell her to do what she wants to be happy. To treat your relationship loose and fun, the way it was when you were dating? No strings attached? That's not easy either. I did it though.

 

Everyone is different, so my advice comes with a grain of salt. My wife was looking at other men, but not with them. So who knows. What applied in my situation, may not apply in yours.