AllofThis Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Hi everyone, I have a pretty tough situation. Although, it does seem that many people are in tough situations in this forum. I was dating my significant other ("SO") for about 5 1/2 years. We began dating in high school, everything was great then, and I assumed everything was great after. We have an extremely good relationship. We are one year apart in age. I went to college only 30 minutes away from her home but stayed at home so I can visit her often. Everything worked out. She went to the college right next to mine. Everything worked out. We were "two peas in a pod" I'd say. We were and I think still are synonymous. When people ask me or her to go out, they automatically assume the other one will be going also. I started law school this year, while she graduated from college early this past semester. Now she is staying at home. I made it easy on us and went to a law school that is only 35 minutes away from her home. The distance was difficult but we worked it out for awhile. Over this past summer, her mother was diagnosed with cancer and it was really hard on both of us, for I am also very close to her mother. To make this a little shorter and ask for advice, my SO asked if we can take a break last week. At first, I didn't take it serious. I figured it would be a few days. However, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted answers. So, I asked her what's the matter. She says she feels "bad" for some reason and she doesn't know why. She feels that she needs to focus only on her mother and where she will be deciding where to go to law school. She said she doesn't want to be dependent on me right now. Basically, with all of these things going on, she appears "numb." She doesn't know what to do. The problem is that I am having a really tough time. This person has been my life for 5 1/2 years. We did everything together--vacations, lived together at school for two years, communicated every day. Our relationship was pretty much perfect. Everyone, including both of us, assumed we were going to get married. But now, it's falling apart and I don't know why. She says she needs space, and I would like to give it to her, but now I FEEL LOST. It seems the roles have been reversed. Now that I think about it, maybe I was the one who was dependent on her. I don't know. I'm sorry for the long post. There are many circumstances going on right now, but mainly it feels that she all of sudden fell out of love with me and I don't know why because everything was so great. I can't stop thinking about "us" and everything we went through. i can't stop getting emotional and it makes it even hard because I have to focus on f-in law school alone. I'm scared we will never get back together and I don't know if I'll ever accept it. If anyone can help, I would much appreciate it. Thanks.
a_f_w Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 To what extent have you talked to her about this so far?
Toodle Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Dude, her mum having cancer must be destroying her. And if it's affecting you as well, she can't rely on you. Give her space, live your life and just be there for her if she needs you.
Author AllofThis Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 I've tried to talk to her about it quite a bit. The first few nights we started txting and then finally on the phone. I pretty much poured my heart out to her and she doesn't know what to feel. She says its not me and she wants me to understand that. I've tried to ask her what's the matter and she doesn't know. She pretty much said "you want me to boil this down to a solvable problem and I can't." So, when I want to talk to her, she says she doesn't have anything else to talk about. Now, we txt back and forth asking how our days went. We pretty much ask each time "are you having a better day?" She says she will always love me and I will be a part of her forever, but for some reason it is not good enough, especially with everything we've been through for 5 1/2 years. And please don't think I'm smothering her. She admitted that I'm not. I have been giving her space the past week but for some reason I think about everything, from the past to the present. It's amazing the things you think of when you lose something so special to you. However, I haven't "lost" her. We are on a break and there is a possibility that we may get back together, but I feel doubt.
a_f_w Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Do you think it's possible she's fallen for another man?
Toodle Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 You need ot provide an escape for her. Tell her about the exciting things you are doing. After a while, invite her to one of them. At the moment, she either thinks about her mum (negative) or thinks about you (negative). Be the distraction.
Author AllofThis Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 We even have a dog together, and that makes it even tougher. To be honest, I think she is going through a depression. I have never seen her this way. With her mom being sick and her figuring out where to go for law school, I can sense she is very confused and depressed. The thing is, though, I want to help so bad.
Author AllofThis Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 I don't want you to think I'm in denial, but I'm 100% sure it is not another man. Our relationship was too strong and all of our friends hang out with each other--they would tell me.
Author AllofThis Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 What kind of escape? The bad thing is March is our birthday month. Her bday is exactly two weeks before mine. How should I approach this?
Toodle Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Wait and see what she suggests. What I mean by escape is this - think about the fact that she's in a bad place right now. You being around complicated matters, right? So don't be around. Go live an exciting and fun life, and stay in touch with her, but letting her do most of the running. She will - depressed people need someone to moan to. Then tell her about what you're up to, and say to her that she's welcome to join you, just to let you know. Let her stew on it. I know it's hard but if you want to help, be the ray of sunshine at the periphery she can gravitate to IF SHE WANTS TO. If she doesn't... well you can't make people do things.
IcemanJB Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I'm sorry to hear about this situation. I think you're doing the right thing in giving her space. And the fact she admitted you aren't smothering is good. This is a tricky situation, but my advice is to not bring up the relationship unless she does. In that respect, the ball is in her court. I can't imagine how hard it would be to not break down because of this, but you need to be the strong one. She's going through a rough time, and YOU need to show you're strong; not necessarily FOR her, but just to demonstrate that you can be the rock.
Author AllofThis Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 I appreciate the responses, everyone. I would like to be the rock, and believe me, I'm trying, but I'm really suffering right now. I should be studying for class, but most of the time I'm thinking about how it was. I know the only thing I can do is give her space, but it is the hardest thing not to try and contact her. I must admit that this past week has been the hardest in my life. It's amazing what a person can do to you and bring you down to your knees.
IcemanJB Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I appreciate the responses, everyone. I would like to be the rock, and believe me, I'm trying, but I'm really suffering right now. I should be studying for class, but most of the time I'm thinking about how it was. I know the only thing I can do is give her space, but it is the hardest thing not to try and contact her. I must admit that this past week has been the hardest in my life. It's amazing what a person can do to you and bring you down to your knees. I totally hear you on that one. The hardest month of my life was last October, hands down. But I knew what I had to do - let her go and let her screw up and figure stuff out for herself so she wasn't leaning on me. And you know what you have to do. Sometimes the right thing to do is by far the hardest thing to do. Just do the right thing and you'll be glad down the road, no matter the outcome.
Author AllofThis Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 Yeah...I'm fine when I'm in class, kinda. I then go back and have nothing else to do besides law school work or think about her. It's amazing how every time I turn my head I see her looking at me as she did back in high school, or in undergrad, or even a month ago. Every song makes me think of her. I even picked a song that would be played if we ever got married. Unfortunately, it's the sweetest song, but now it's the saddest. I'm trying to make the unbearable, bearable. I think what hurts the most is the fact that I never thought this would happen. I guess Romeo and Juliet can take a break, too.
Author AllofThis Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 I'm sticking to what I said earlier. I am 100% sure it is not another man. And no, I'm not in denial. If you know a person for so long, especially five and half years, you would know. Besides, she would have already told me. So, please do not bring up that subject because I know for a fact it is not true.
Ronni_W Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 I then go back and have nothing else to do besides law school work or think about her. When you think about her, think about the stress and anxiety she is feeling, about her mom. Think about how exhausting and depleting and terrifying it is to have to watch your mother die. Think about the horror of chemo. That is, when you think about her, think about HER. Educate yourself on how to "care for the caregiver". Check with your local cancer society and find out what her mom is going through, and what your g/f is going through. LEARN how to be the support and the 'rock' that you want to be. Find out if there is a support group for family members of people with life-threatening illnesses; offer to go to a meeting with her. Or go by yourself, and learn more of what they're all going through. When you think about her, think about you can do FOR HER.
SYL Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Hi All Of This, I tend to believe your SO... She's coping with a very intense situation. Her mother is sick, a lot of emotions are rushing through her to the point where she is overwhelmed and has become numb. The more you push, the more distance will accumulate between you. I am not sure where you live but it might be beneficial to you if you checked your local Hospice Association for Bereavement support. They might be able to provide you with some knowledge of what she is experiencing -- and it might also help you gain coping skills for your own mixture of emotions. We all deal with tragedies differently and, by your description, she appears to be 'lost'. Don't take it personally -- she needs to journey through her process on her own and in her own way. She is still in contact with you, that's good. Give her the space that she needs to come to terms with this while you take proactive measures to learn to cope for both of you. When she is ready to resume your relationship, she will need you -- prepare yourself for the day. You will need to be strong.
Author AllofThis Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 I appreciate all of the responses. I feel I must elaborate on her mom's cancer. She was diagnosed last summer with a very rare form of cancer (not sure what it is though). She had a very small amount of cancer in her, but as a precaution, the doctors recommended chemotherapy. She accepted the treatment and went through it this past fall. She did great, but of course had those hard weeks during treatment. My SO and I gave her full support and we believed that everything was going to work out. However, just two weeks ago, right before my SO wanted a break, a post-chemo scan revealed that some cancer formed in her lungs. The doctors are not sure how serious it is, but we will know in the coming weeks. In the midst of this, I assume my SO has been trying to figure out how our relationship is going to work, since she will be going to a different law school but unsure on how far away. Like I said, she all of a sudden started feeling "bad" but confused as to why. So when one looks at the surrounding circumstances, it appears that care for family must come first. I understand but it is hard. As to an update on our communication, I called her yesterday just to have a casual conversation on how are days went. The convo started out fine, but then she said "I'm going to go right now, I'll talk to you later, probably tomorrow." This kinda hurt me because all of a sudden she ended the conversation. In the midst of being hurt, I was also kind of upset. So, I texted her and said "I think it would have been easier if you told me you didn't want to talk to me." She replied, "I do, just not right now." She then said, "I'm just frustrated right now." And, I asked if it was because of me and if I am not providing enough space, and she replied "no, I'm just frustrated in general." I wanted to ask "why?" so bad. But I resisted and said "if you need anything, just let me know." I pretty much ended it there. So, I don't know. Honestly, it is getting easier each day, but the memories make it hurt so bad.
Ronni_W Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 AllOfThis, If I could urge you to PLEASE start looking at your own attitude and behaviour, and you'll likely come to the realization that you are engaging in narcissistic tendencies. It comes out as deep insecurity and clinginess. No problem -- you have caught it in time . Now what you have to do is STOP that behaviour. It is unattractive/repelling to those around you, and non-supportive of YOUR own goals and desires. You may think that you are sharing feelings and duties, when it comes to her mom. That is delusional. Again. No problem -- you have caught it in time! Find out what is the likely outcome, when they spot that a cancer has spread to the lungs. Your g/f's current feelings, fears and stresses have NOTHING whatsoever to do with you, or her relationship with you. To keep making everything about you and your feelings and your needs, is past self-obsession, towards full-blown narcissism. You DO have the power to not let that happen to you.
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