Living together

[agoraphobia]

I posted this in the marriage forum but figured some people here may also have some insights.

 

I moved in with my boyfriend 3 months ago, prior to that I was living by myself for a number of years. I am finding that I'm have a sligthly difficult time adjusting to living with another person.

 

I'm a lonewolf by nature, I like and tremendously enjoy my solitude. I love having my own place and my own space to do whatever I want whenever I want it. I enjoy the company of others also, especially my boyfriend but I like being able to pick and choose when to invite that company.

 

I love being with him, He is a wonderful man and the easiest person to live with. He cooks, cleans and really doesn't upset my balance at all. We don't even have little cohabitation annoyances that can be irritating. He's laid back and easy going but I still find myself longing for the days when I can just come home and there would be nobody in my space, eat dinner, nap until midnight, wake up at midnight and clean my apartment or just generally goof off until 2am before I go back to bed. I long for days when I can blast my music and dance naked. I long for days where I order take out and watch movies back to back to back for the entire day. Days when I can watch porn and masturbate all day long. Days when I don't have to talk to anyone, bother them with my issues or even particularly care how my actions affect them. My apartment has always been my sanctuary, a place to shut out the outside world out and create my own fantasy island.

 

And now he's there and I'm just not adjusting well.

 

We have talked about it and just concluded that it's not about him. It's about my nature, my natural inclination towards solitude. It makes me think that even when I get married, I would still prefer my own space and that goes against how marriages are supposed to work doesn't it?

 

Does anyone have any light to shed on this, anyone ever been in my shoes?

 

thank you

[Toodle]

I lives with someone who was a bit liek this (and I'm like it too) We lives in a two bedroom flat, a big one, for a year and got on very well. Then we moved to a one bed and things disintegrated(probably for other reasons as well). Then we moved again to another one bed, and she left me for various reasons, one was she felt claustrophobic, both with me and the flat.

 

Whilst I won't diminish other issues, I do wonder how much was to do with the physical space we had and then didn't. Have you discussed having a spare room that's your own, that you can go to and be left alone in? It's a good way to create a boundary and have your own space.

[MissDee]

I've gone through this as well but hunny, you got it so much better. My boyfriend did not clean, cook or even look after himself. I was basically his mother.

 

Anyway, that's besides the point. When I lived with my bf I was always bothered by him always being there. Not to mention we lived in a city and I decided to get rid of my car (BIG mistake) and rely on mass transit - meaning he had the only car of the house and refused to let me drive it. Anyway, it got to the point where I was irritable and snappy with him because I felt like he was invading my privacy and lifestyle. I felt like I lost my independence - I was always use to being by myself for hours, doing my school work, cooking and cleaning for myself and only myself.

 

At first, it was just him being around all the time that kind of bothered me a bit. Eventually, when my work load got really heavy, it started bothering me ALL the time - even when we went to bed. I didn't even feel like talking to him, I even told him numerous times that I was stressed and just "wanted to be alone" for a little bit but he didn't quite understand.

 

Eventually I moved out because I transferred to a different school in a different city. We've talked about living together after we're done with school but I don't want to go through with it personally. I want to wait until marriage - when hopefully he's grown up by then and can care for himself as well as us both being occupied with our full time jobs and such. It won't be as bad then, I'm sure. I love him to death but jeez, I don't know if I can handle living with him yet.

 

Honestly, test the waters with it. If things start getting worse with you - like to where it effects your mood and your over all comfort level - then consider moving out. Nothing is worth it if you feel like you're putting more stress and pressure on yourself like that.

[agoraphobia]

We do have a spare room as in, he can be in the living room while I'm in the bedroom and vice versa (it's a huge apartment and each room has just as much entertainment devices) but I think maybe what I want is for him not to be around at all.....unless I want him to be. Does that make sense? being in another room is somehow not the same as not being home at all. Is this selfish of me?

 

I don't know why I'm like this but it's something I've had since I was younger. I use to enjoy the days when the whole family was out somewhere and I was somehow the only one at home.

[Toodle]

I found that a bedroom isn't the same. Our spare room was essentially another living room. I can't relax in my bedroom in the same way - it's somewhere i sleep and f*ck. Not somewhere to watch telly, listen to music etc. Does that make sense?

[nicki]

It's a myth that in marriage you don't need solitude. You do.

 

You need to sit down and negotiate some things with him. What do you need to feel better right now, while living with him?

 

Maybe you need a room or at least some space that is yours and yours alone.

 

Periodically, maybe you need to go away on vacations by yourself for a few days.

 

For the day to day need of time alone, maybe you need a few hours of space and you can tell him that you will reconnect later.

 

When I was married and felt like you, I would go to the bookstsore, to yoga, or simply to the grocery store to get time alone. In addition, I would close the door to the bedroom and say I needed some alone time.

 

And I would go on lots and lots of retreats, and to seminars. And go do things by myself, like go on nature walks, to movies, etc....It helped me quite a bit.

 

Sometimes we have to redefine getting time alone. You may no longer have days and days where he isn't at home and you can do what you want. But, you can still gets your needs met -- by thinking about new ways to do that.

 

Maybe you could even call in sick and spend a day at home while he is at work. Or encourage him to go visit his family without you, and then you could have a few days to yourself.

 

But, relationships are about connecting, too, so it's all a balance.

[nicki]

I just want to add that I need a lot of time alone. I work at home, and my fiance works at an office. So I get the days to myself.

 

When we both worked at an office, and came home, I liked it when he hung out in his home office and I would go watch TV in the family room. I would also lock the bathroom door and take long baths by myself. No disturbances.

 

You said your guy gets upset when you want time alone. Reward him by pouncing on him and giving him a blow job after you've had some time alone.

 

Nothing like positive reinforcement!! He'll get that you are better when you get what you need, and it's not a threat to your togetherness.

[Toodle]

 

You said your guy gets upset when you want time alone. Reward him by pouncing on him and giving him a blow job after you've had some time alone.

 

Nothing like positive reinforcement!! He'll get that you are better when you get what you need, and it's not a threat to your togetherness.

 

He will definitely like this

[complication]

You said your guy gets upset when you want time alone. Reward him by pouncing on him and giving him a blow job after you've had some time alone.

 

Nothing like positive reinforcement!! He'll get that you are better when you get what you need, and it's not a threat to your togetherness.

 

I, as a guy, completely agree.

[prettybaby]

Some couples get neighboring spaces. It's not the norm, but hey, whatever floats your boat.