Now HE'S calling me...

[yoko]

I got over it with the help of an incredibly supportive member on this forum and tons of selp-help books and even a 12-step group. I began to feel better about myself and no longer desperate. I thought about him and the relationship less and less and about myself more. I was moving on and gratefuly so!

 

Now he's calling me 3 times a day. I take the calls and keep the conversation light. He is behaving now like I desperately wanted him to 3 weeks ago.

 

But I've changed. I'm no longer emotionally dependent on him. I can feel it. Thank God! My over dependence on him is the reason he ended the relationship. He was right.

 

I care about him and I suppose that is love of some kind. But I don't feel the same. I don't think that he and I can develop a healthy relationship or that he is even capable of the kind of relationship that I think I want. I don't even think I am ready for that yet.

 

I went from horribly lonely, rejected and humiliated to excited about being alone and getting to know myself in a way I never have before. He was/is an emotionally abusive alcoholic. When he is sober he is gentle and thoughtful. But can't seem to stay sober for long. Now that I have some time without that abuse my life is much more peaceful and secure.

 

I'm still reading my self-help books on relationships. I want to learn what it is about me that made me cling to such a detsructive one for 5 years and many others prior to this one.

 

Ideally I want a life partner. But I know that first I need to know myself, to develop and maintain a healthy level of self esteem and self worth. I'm ok and that is leaps and bounds from where I was just 3 weeks ago.

 

The support I got here was a huge part my recovery from this whole situation. This forum is a vital resource and I'm very grateful.

[Geishawhelk]

You need to stop taking his calls and talking to him.

You have moved on with your life in a remarkable and commendable way.

If he hasn't, or he can't accept that, it really is his problem.

 

Tell him - No, don't ask him - TELL HIM - that right now, this is not something you want to keep doing. If in fact this is why you're posting.......

I may have read you wrong..... Have I?

 

In any case, it might be getting his hopes up, but now you have distanced yourself from being clingy and dependent, he's finding it odd.... maybe he's trying to re-awaken that neediness, which is unhealthy from either direction......

[PinkToes]

Hi Yoko,

 

How are you doing? Is he still calling you? Are you still feeling strong?

 

You were making progress in such leaps & bounds, there's no telling where you are today!

 

For my part, I'm taking a temporary step backward, at least in my head. If he called, I'd see him in a heartbeat. He never did anything to hurt me; there is no bad blood between us. He made the break, and I've been NC since that day. But today I miss him; darn it anyway.

 

So.... how are you?

[yoko]

PinkToes,

 

Hey! How are YOU doing?

 

It's always 2 steps forward and 1 step back with this stuff. Everytime I step back it takes me by surprise. Not to mention the disapointment and frustration. But with each day it gets a bit easier despite those little set backs.

 

He is going through some hard stuff. He got "laid off". Actually he got fired but his employer told him he'd call it that so he could get unemployment. His landlord left him a nasty note, something about his garbage. His only drinking buddy/friend has quit drinking, opened his own business and is going to church. His brother in law/fishing buddy won't go fishing with him if he is going to drink because he quit drinking too. He told me he felt like the whole world was against him and I was all he had. It was pitiful but inevitable given his alcoholism.

 

He calls everyday, sometimes 3 times. He wanted to see me last Sunday and I had made other plans. He came on Monday afternoon, we had dinner and a nice enough time. He seemed humble and sad. We didn't talk about "us". I didn't want to. He has his life and I have begun to develop my own without him. I don't want to exclude him entirely right now, I can't. I do feel bad for him. It may be what's best for him, but I just can't do it right now.

 

I don't call him. I don't long to see him. I just want to be his friend for now.

 

I have found a new joy in being and living alone. I like my life and my little apartment. I am not at all so frantic about being alone all the time. I have re-connected with some friends I made when I went to a job training program last year. I'm working more. I've even made those dreaded dental and optometrist appointments that I've put off for too long.

 

So...I'm doing OK. It was good to see your post. I thought you'd forgotten about me.

How is that childrens book coming? Have you done anything with it yet? I've always admired those who could develop a story and write the book. It sounds like you've had a career in writing and that's wonderful! I'd love to read your book.

[PinkToes]

Naaaah....... haven't forgotten you; you're my inspiration!

 

You know what's funny about that list of stuff your ex is going through is that from my perspective, it's all good! Well, except the part about the garbage. But from the outside, it's like the universe is giving him a whole bunch of nudges to get him going in the right direction. Even your new-found strength could be a positive in his life -- if he were ready to make the change. Very interesting, I think.

 

And as long as you can handle seeing him without harming your own progress, you're setting a new standard for how you expect to be treated. He is seeing your strength; he can't help it. And you're not running to him for validation. That's awesome. :-)

 

I'm still going through a rough patch, I'll confess. 'Tween you & me (and about a gabillion other LSers), I've been dealing with clinical depression for a number of years (OK... I said it out loud...) so the broken engagement and unemployment are a bit more challenging than I would like. I struggle against inertia (thus the kid-lit words still trapped on my computer) but am determined to fake it 'til I make it. What else can we do, right?

 

So I especially love hearing about your new life, and I am looking forward to feeling that joy again myself. What you're doing is amazing, and so much more interesting than my daily slogging!

[yoko]

I agree with you about his list of stuff. He's not seeing it like that of course, unfortunately. He called this morning and told me he was gonna get drunk (I think he used the word schnockered) and drown his depression. Of course I told him that would only make it worse and of course he already knew that. But I had to say it anyway. I have to detach and keep steady on my own journey and I am. I see him in a different light now which makes it much easier.

 

I see relationships in a different light now for that matter. I see them as a responsibility, a "job" if you will, a complication, etc. I don't see a lot of benefit for myself in a relationship with a man at all right now. A cup of coffee (decaff for me thanks) or a nice lunch would be OK. Even meeting for a movie or a trip to a museum would be nice. But a bonified relationship? Too much for me, at least for awhile. Besides given my track record I know squat about how a normal healthy relationship works. I think I'll just finally get to know me without "him".

 

You too huh? I was diagnosed with manic-depression when I was 25. I have been dealing with that and the treatment(s) for about 25 yrs. now. I have had my time on the dreaded psych ward, been on so many meds that I can't begin to name them and at least a dozen therapists over the years. I've had very, very dark times and some pretty wonderful times. I have learned more than I really wanted to know and still am. I have felt tons of self pity because of this disorder (HATE the term "mental illness") and been angry too many times with the stigma attached.

 

With the addition of menopause and all the changes that come with it, I found myself in a tailspin about 6 months ago. I was very depressed. You know the drill; poor sleep, changed appetite, absolutely no motivation, negative thoughts that won't stop, total lack of interest in things I once enjoyed....I could go on - but I won't.

 

My meds were very obviously not working. I went to my psych who happened to be studying homeopathic healing. I also write my articles and work as an organizer for a naturopathic practitioner. Between the two of these saintly women and myself we worked out a natural regimen for my symptoms. It's a bit more expensive (insurance doesn't pay) but oh so worth it. It works!! And it works without the side affects of all those

psychotropic drugs. The meds just stopped working and I was afraid at first. But it led to a much better place for me. Kinda like my ex and his list of troubles, huh?

 

I had to defend myself just yesterday in relation to this very topic. My daughter and my ex husband who was her step father met again after 10 years. He found her on the internet and sent her a message. She was thrilled. They got along so well and I was excited for her. She considered him her Dad. (Her biological father is not in her life by her choice. ) She drove 3 hrs. to meet with him and his new girlfriend for an afternoon. He and I were great together when he was sober. He stole from me, cheated on me and abandoned me many times. He finally left and I moved away. He is sober for 4 yrs. now and doing well. She told me that my name came up and he said he has no hard feelings for me and that "the way she is is not her fault". I was livid. He hasn't talked to me in 10 yrs and knows little about the way I am.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have but I wrote my daughter an email. I told her that I was hurt and a little angry that she didn't defend me by telling him that I wasn't defined by my diagnosis. That I was much more than a woman with a mental dysfunction. It's a difficult life when you live with a disorder like this and requires some work. What comes easy to folks without depression is sometimes really challenging for those with it as you well know. But not at all impossible. But as soon as someone hears your diagnosis - that's it. They think all kinds of ridiculous things presented to them by society. How many times have you heard on the news that some person went on a rampage causing all kinds of damage and the reason was because they were "off their meds"? Most of society doesn't understand and they don't want to understand. They are afraid of it. So, generally I don't tell anyone - ever.

 

Well, now it's out there....I'm manic-depressive and I'm proud!

 

Sometimes PinkToes the best we can do is ride it out. If sitting on the sofa wrapped in a nice fleece blankie is the best you can do for that day - do it. When I'm in the dark place it's so hard for me to remember that it will pass, that it's not going to be forever even when it feels like it. That's where good friends and a good therapist come in. They can remind me of that when my brain won't. I find that reading (which is almost impossible during depression given the lack of concentration:o) is helpful. I read books about manic-depression or chronic depression. It relieves the fear and anxiety.

 

So hang tough my friend - this too shall pass. And remember you are certainly not alone - there's this crazy woman in Texas that completely understands who is enormously grateful to you for your words of wisdom and loving support during her very dark time.