mmk1 Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I broke up with the ex-OW in August. Our A lasted for three years and our families were close friends for over 5 years before that. I tried to get back together with her as we had done several times before but this time she refused. We tried to remain friends until Christmas when I realized it was too painful to do so. I went NC after Christmas, 2008. I simply could not spend time with her like friends and pretend the A never happened. Recently, a mutual friend told me the OW's father in law (FIL) was terminally ill. I had known the FIL for years through the OW and family events. I then saw the OW on business last Tuesday and asked about her FIL and we talked like the best friends we used to be before the A. I wrote her an email yesterday asking her to keep me updated on her FIL and she responded that he died Tuesday afternoon. She also asked me not to attend the funeral or wake. I told her I understood that it was not appropriate. Since we had talked on Tuesday, I considered going but decided not to before she asked. I was hurt that she would ask me not to come as if I would think that was appropriate. Is it still appropriate to send a card or make a donation or would that be a slap in the face to her H, who does not know about the A and thinks the OW and I are still friends. It has been hard for me to walk away from this A. Thanks for the help.
Geishawhelk Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 No. Do nothing, say nothing and saty away. Pass on any condolences through her, but be discreet and distant. Respect the status quo and be dignified.
jj33 Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I agree. Unless you were friends with the MIL and she would expect your support at this time, then do nothing. And dont be offended. Its a sensitive family time, her husband lost his father. Its not all about you. She just wanted to make sure all the ducks were in a row. Not that she thought you would do something inappropriate but she wanted to make sure that there was no question on those issues. But if your relationship to the family was via your friendship with MW then back off. Its very inapprproriate to keep those ties while in NC with her.
bentnotbroken Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 You have betrayed her H's trust in what he believed was an innocent friendship, why would you want to continue to disrespect him during this time? He just lost his father, why would you intrude to make contact with the ow. That's all this is about. If it were about someone other than you and her, the A wouldn't have happened in the first place. He doesn't know, isn't that enough of a slap in the face?
lkjh Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 you were banging his wife and now you want to disrespect his fathers death. Let it go
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Out of respect for her father and the rest of her family, especially her husband, stay away. This isn't about you or how guilty you may or may not feel - This is about respecting HER wishes. If you cared at all about her, do not go. Anyway, I'm sure if her FIL knew what was going on between you two, he wouldn't want you anywhere near his funeral or wake. Sorry to be blunt but that's the reality here.
Kasan Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Please stay away from the funeral!!!! My father-in-law's mistress showed up at a family funeral and it was the most uncomfortable function I have ever attended. Why my husband's mother didn't kick his a*s to the curb is beyond me. Everyone knew who "Linda" was and it was God awful................my poor mother-in-law.
Author mmk1 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 I totally agree with everyone here and that is why I would not attend even if she did not specifically request me to not go. I do not believe anyone else knows, unlike the scenario Kasan related, so it would not cause a scene. In fact, I have attended past wakes of her H's relatives during the A with her blessing, so this is a change which I believe is based on my own choice of NC around Christmas. I would not disregard her feelings or anyone else's on this matter. I do still care for her which is why I said anything at all and is why I will not have any further contact with her on this issue (no cards, calls, etc.). Perhaps it was a mistake to mention anything at all, I don't know.
jj33 Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I think people may be missing the fact that he said hes not going to the funeral. He's questioning why she needed to ask and whether he should send a card etc.
Ronni_W Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 her H, who does not know about the A and thinks the OW and I are still friends. You say your families were close. What is the current level of relationship/contact that you have with her husband and/or his "side" of the family? Is there a possibility that he and/or his side would find it "strange/questionable" to NOT receive your condolences in form of card or donation?
Author mmk1 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Yes it is. I know all of the H's small immediate family very well (I even attended the OW's wedding). I am sure that some of the H's family will find it strange or questionable that I did not attend the wake and ask the OW about it. Only for reference, the wake is today and the funeral tommorrw. Because I will not go, the only other acceptable forms of condolences would be a card or donation to a cancer charity specified in the obituary. Does anyone think I should do either or does the request not to go to the funeral prohibt any other forms of condolences? Or, does my decision to go NC since Christmas dictate nothing further since she and I have already talked/emailed about it.
jj33 Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 If you have a relationship with the family (other than OW and H) such as Hs mother in particular then send a donation. But otherwise stay away and dont communicate with OW and her H about this. Your relationship with the H has been dishonest. If her H knew the truth he would not want your condolences. Hed probably want to take his grief out on you by beating you to a pulp. So if you have do not have a close enough relationship with others in the family to do anything other than send a donation, then no card no nothing. The donation is kind in and of itself.
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Yup a donation is a good idea. And if anyone asks why you didn't attend, just say you were sick.
Author mmk1 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 No, absent getting back together with the OW (or becoming "just friends") it is unlikely that I will ever see any of the H's small family again. His mother passed away in 2000. The H's family know me very well, but we would not see each outside some rare coincidence outside of a gathering at the OW's house.
Ronni_W Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Yep. In fact, I'd send a card AND a donation, if that's what feel appropriate for ME. OW does not have any rights or authority over any of your OTHER relationships. It's like you are being asked to "punish" those who've just lost a dad/grandpa/uncle just because your offering sympathy to them will make HER uncomfortable. That's crap! Express your feelings towards others in ways that allow YOU to live with integrity, and with your Self.
2sure Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Both you and she have already betrayed and disrespected her husband without his knowledge. Even though he still does not know how much both of you have done to damage him, his marriage, and his family - Attending his father's funeral, sending a card, etc. is really just a slap in the face to him. If you respected him so much you want to honor his father's death, how do you reconcile not respecting him enough to not bang his wife?? All is besides the point really, since you state your primary reason for sending anything is because you are having a hard time with NC. You are having a hard time with NC...so you feel sending the card will make you feel a little better. Leave this family alone.
Author mmk1 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 2Sure, you're right. I've made this all about me and I'm oblivious to everyone else's feelings and needs. Its time to step back and resume NC for everyone's benefit.
NoIDidn't Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Yep. In fact, I'd send a card AND a donation, if that's what feel appropriate for ME. OW does not have any rights or authority over any of your OTHER relationships. It's like you are being asked to "punish" those who've just lost a dad/grandpa/uncle just because your offering sympathy to them will make HER uncomfortable. That's crap! Express your feelings towards others in ways that allow YOU to live with integrity, and with your Self. You're kidding, right? This man was sleeping with the grieving husband's W. The HUSBAND'S father died, not hers. If the A comes to light, and the OP does send something with his name on it, he risks becoming the victim of a crime of passion. I don't see why he can't donate anonymously if he really wants to. The Cancer society doesn't care why people donate, only that they donate.
NoIDidn't Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Needless to say from my previous post that I don't think the OP should send anything to the W for her H's loss. While in the A, she was being selfish in having the OP attend other family funerals. Now that she's gotten her head out of her nether regions, it seems common sense is returning and she is recognizing the error of her ways.
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