Bluebird In My Heart Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Do you think this marriage has a chance? The situation: husband and wife, married 10 years. They have one child, who’s 6. She stepped out on him 2 years ago, even separated from him for 2 weeks, but then they reconciled. She hasn’t really stopped seeing the other guy…they are just friends, according to her – she also says this was just an EA. And it isn’t anymore. They are friends only, and in fact she seems to be more annoyed with him than anything lately. The H. is depressed, in therapy – but is getting better. W. is critical, says she’s unhappy – but doesn’t want to get a divorce. She doesn’t want therapy. She says she wants her H. to, “Make her fall in love with him again.” Yes, this is what she says. He believes her. It is believed that they can ride this out, make it work. She really doesn’t seem to be into this friend of hers much anymore. It is thought that it is a friendship that may burn itself out soon, anyway. She won’t divorce, and he won’t divorce – so does it stand to reason they will be able to make it work? The reason I am even asking this question is because I think it’s a very unusual situation: someone has an affair, but it’s burning itself out – AND two people who still want to remain married. The H. never demanded he leave the other guy, and it seems like it’s burning itself out on it’s own... Does 'riding it out' work?
norajane Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 The affair may burn out, but the original marital problems are still there. If she wants him to "make her fall in love" with him again, perhaps she ought to start being the woman she used to be when he "made" her fall in love the first time. He might start behaving like he used to if she does, instead of turning to other men for fun and frolics. Maybe if SHE started making an effort and treating him like he was special, he would do the same.
Ronni_W Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I agree with norajane. It is believed that they can ride this out, make it work. If "riding it out" means one or the other not actually doing anything to grow and nurture the relationship then, no, it can't work. There isn't a 'Fairy Godmother' who will come around, wave her magic wand, and make things work. Like another poster said in a different thread, "too many people wait for things to change, instead of creating the changes they want to see" -- not sure if that is 100% accurately quoted, but something along those lines.
Woggle Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 This guy is the textbook definition of a doormat. They might not get divorced but they will never have a good marriage.
troubadour Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 This guy is the textbook definition of a doormat. They might not get divorced but they will never have a good marriage. The only think that I would like to add to the above is... that she is a cake eater and she is not going to change. The marriage is not goint to work even if they decide to stay together. She will soon start looking for "attention" somewhere else. Her husband is a source of security for her... not of excitement.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Do you think this marriage has a chance? The situation: husband and wife, married 10 years. They have one child, who’s 6. She stepped out on him 2 years ago That alone, no matter what other circumstance, makes it unlikely. But to each there on. On with the rest of the story. even separated from him for 2 weeks, but then they reconciled. She hasn’t really stopped seeing the other guy As long as the husband is a fool, and she successfully keeps this from him...sure it can survive on the surface. But if the husband finds out, then he'd have to be the biggest fool in the world to keep a woman like this. And vice versa for a woman if the roles were reversed. they are just friends, according to her ANY contact with an affair partner is inappropriate. Even business contact. she also says this was just an EA. there is no "just" here. an affair is an affair And it isn’t anymore. Then no reason to see the OM or be in any contact whatsoever. They are friends only No such thing after an affair. I think the betrayed husband would agree. The H. is depressed, in therapy – but is getting better. W. is critical, says she’s unhappy – but doesn’t want to get a divorce. She doesn’t want therapy. She says she wants her H. to, “Make her fall in love with him again.” So she cheats, EA, whatever....but she expects HIM to fix her?? Yes, this is what she says. He believes her. It is believed that they can ride this out, make it work. You can make a car work after a Peterbuilt just slammed into it...but it isn't ever going to run the same or be a smooth ride ever again. Time to trade in and get a new wife...ahem, I mean car. She really doesn’t seem to be into this friend of hers much anymore. It is thought that it is a friendship that may burn itself out soon, anyway. Should have been severed the moment they decided to reconcile. She won’t divorce, and he won’t divorce – so does it stand to reason they will be able to make it work? Nah, she will get the itch again and want to mess around. Especially if she is selfishly putting the pressure on the husband to maker her "fall in love" with him again. The reason I am even asking this question is because I think it’s a very unusual situation: someone has an affair, but it’s burning itself out – AND two people who still want to remain married. Oh lots of people after discovering an affair want to stay married...but I believe for the wrong reasons....finances....kids...whatever...but not necessarily because they want to be with their spouse. The H. never demanded he leave the other guy, and it seems like it’s burning itself out on it’s own... Does 'riding it out' work? It just might, because this husband is folding like a cheap suit.
Owl Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 She's wanting him to "make her fall in love with him". This suggests a couple of things. First, she doesn't understand anything about love...especially as applied to long term relationships. Second, she may well be addicted to the "in love" stages of a relationship...some people never get past this stage. Third, she's still clearly focused on HER...rather than focused on repairing the damage done by her cheating. Fourth, she doesn't have a clue what true reconciliation or marital recovery takes, or would look like. Fifth, her husband also needs to learn how to REALLY recover his marriage (or end it)...by not insisting that the affair end, he's done NOTHING to truly rebuild his relationship with her...he's simply taken the most passive route possible to avoid conflict. No...without some massive changes being made on both sides...the odds are very, very much against them truly rebuilding and recovering this into any kind of functional, happy marriage.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Second, she may well be addicted to the "in love" stages of a relationship...some people never get past this stage. You know Owl, I don't think that this gets enough attention on these boards. I'm always amazed at the people that expect their partner to deliver "love" to them like it was a pizza or something. That want to sit back and tell their partner, much like the OP has heard, "make me fall in love with you again", as though they were the prize in a reality TV show. Is there any more truly selfish point of view? Mr. Lucky
pelicanpreacher Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Owl, your points are spot on! I also believe that her husband is reacting from a position of spiritual and emotional weakness as a result of her affair which has ensconced him in a fog of panic and despair that has paralyzed his ability to take action in his own best interests. One poster (I can't recall who) stated that most men who chose to remain in the marriage post D-Day regretted their decision and eventually pursued divorce once their full range of grieving had ended and felt restored enough to make a critical assessment of their spouse and all the facts surrounding the affair. Of course your recovery may be the rule or the exception therein but even you have noted that if there is a reoccurence of infidelity there won't be a third chance for it to happen down the road even if you could theoretically apply the same tactics used before to restore the marriage again!
Lucky_One Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 A differing opinion. Yes, they can make it work. A good place for them to start is reading about the Love Bank. You have to have deposits made in order to keep a healthy account in the black. When the account goes in the red, then you start looking for "cash" infusions, and that's when trouble starts. Unfortunately, when both people have depleted Love Banks, then someone has to bite the bullet and "give in" so to speak. Otherwise you get a continuing downward spiral. If he wants her to be more sexually in tune with her, then she needs to desire him. For her to desire him, then he has to do something desirable. For him to want to do something desirable, he has to get positive affirmation from her. So someone has to step up the plate first, or there is an impasse. But if neither of them want a divorce, then there is desire to make the marriage work. And that is the first and most important element. It will take work, it will take communication, and it will take selflessness. Believe it or not, I think that selflessness is the element most missing. Look at the posts on this thread, for example; it's all about "I want a new car" rather than I want to restore the vintage one even though it is more work and costs more in the short term.
Recommended Posts