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One year and still not healed


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Posted

Its been a year since the ex and I have seperated and nearly 10 months of NC. I'm still having dreams about her all the time and still get sad when I hear a song that reminds me of her. Honestly I think this is ridiculous after a year of being without her and especially considering all the abuse that was going on in the relationship. I'm going back to therapy for the simple fact that I shouldn't be holding on to someone who was unhealthy for me to be with in the first place. There may be some deep underlying reason why I continue to weep over this abusive situation, and I think I need help in discovering what it is. I haven't dated a lot in the past year and have had a lot of alone time so maybe that is part of the reason I haven't moved on from it? I don't know but I have in the past moved quite quickly from one girl to the next however after learning that only temporarily heals the wound, I believed I was better off going at it alone this time.

 

It's weird because I've never grieved this long over an ex before but I still get choked up with little reminders of her after a year now. It could also be the way things were left. I broke all contact with her after the official break up even after she had called me and pleaded to hang out. After that call we've never spoken again and I think I didn't really get the closure I needed and perhaps that's why I'm struggling with this. Does anyone have any advice or maybe a similar situation and how to cope with it?

Posted

Don't stress that its taking you this long. It's been a year and a half for me and I am still not completely over her. Just keep living your life as best you can. Going to therapy might also help - personally I never done it but at I am open to the idea so give it a try and let us know if it helps.

 

Good luck.

Posted

Shadows,

 

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. There is no right amount of time that it takes to heal from a break up. Every situation is different. My longest relationships have normally been the easiest for me to move on from because I know I did everything I could to make them work. I realized each of those relationships had run their course.

 

My current situation is somewhat similar to yours in that I am going on about a year and a half as well and still can not get rid of the thoughts of my last Ex. I tried dating quite a bit right away and also knew I was not ready or doing anybody else any favors by dating at that time. Your relationship sounds like it ended somewhat abruptly and that is why you have some unanswered issues or feeling to work thru...

 

My 2 cents would be to try to do things w/ friends and avoid being alone so much even if you don't feel like getting out. And seeing a therapist could do you some good. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. You probably don't want to talk w/ your friends about the ex anymore (I stopped after a month or so and still had a ton of crap bottled up inside me for too long), so seeing a therapist will give you this outlet and a great way to get feedback on things you can do to get yourself ready for the next relationship.

 

Best of luck!

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Posted

Hey Biker,

 

I am in fact struggling with this due to the abruptness of the breakup. It went from her calling and begging me to hang out one day, to the next day with NC, followed by a week of NC, a month etc. etc. I still wonder whether she resents me for never taking her up on her offer, and I wonder if that provided her with solice enough not to continue to contact me out of spite. I realize there's no point in wondering these things or if she's happy or not, as it is irrelevant to my own pursuit of happiness. But it's something that I guess will have to heal with time.

 

I don't want to sound repititous but like I said before I've never grieved this long over an ex. It wasn't until we broke up that I realized how much I dependend on her for love, acceptance, comedic relief, support etc. The past year I've lived alone, my family has moved away, and (like you mentioned) I've beaten this conversation like a dead horse with all my friends. It seems my only chance for an outlet would be therapy at this time.

 

Thank you both for the replies....

Posted

 

I still wonder whether she resents me for never taking her up on her offer, and I wonder if that provided her with solice enough not to continue to contact me out of spite.

 

 

Maybe she stopped contacting you not to spite you, but to allow herself time to heal since you made it clear that you rejected her offer.

Posted

Hi Shadowsfall...

 

 

Did you break up with her or she broke up with you? You said she was calling you crying and begging then NC? What exactly is the story behind it? Can you be a bit more specific?

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Posted
Maybe she stopped contacting you not to spite you, but to allow herself time to heal since you made it clear that you rejected her offer.

 

First of all I should have worded things better in my original post. I actually didn't make it all that clear that I didn't want to hang out with her through my words as much as with my actions. When she had called to hang out, the last time I ever spoke to her, I said, "Yea sure maybe I'll call you when I get back in town" (I was taking a short vacation). Well I never called, and to this day I still regret that for some reason, probably because I still cared deeply for her. Sorry If I mislead anyone. I was very firm with NC though at the initial breakup and didn't want anything to do with her for a couple weeks. And after that is when she had called and I mislead her into thinking I wanted to hang out.

 

Anyway your question is highly possible and if so then I guess more power to her since she seemed to get some form of closure. However, for me since I was the one not acting on any advances a part of me now wonders what would of happened had I hung out with her? Would things of changed, or is this just wishful thinking? Its not really my style to view things hypothetically but I can't help this one thought from resonating through my head. Hard to believe I'm still trying to come to grips with my decision to walk out of her life after all the **** we've been through. But hey that might be more of a concern that I need to address with a professional to improve my self-concept.

 

Did you break up with her or she broke up with you? You said she was calling you crying and begging then NC? What exactly is the story behind it? Can you be a bit more specific?

 

Hi Always,

 

It's tough to encapsulate in a few sentences but here's a brief rundown. We went out for 2 years, during which time we had numerous fights and off/on periods that were very short lived. I bought her a promise ring for V-Day in a hopeful attempt to restore some of the sentimentality our relationship had lost during all those incidents. But It was too late at that point and she gave it back to me with an explanation I had already envisioned ahead of time. Basically we were both sure our relationship would never work out but didn't quite know how to end it peacefully. Someone had to be the bigger person so when she gave the ring back I did it for both of us right there. I collected my stuff from her house and a few days later she showed up at my house. She begged me to take her back and I wouldn't. After that a few weeks went by and she called my at a time where I was missing her quite a bit and was taking a short vacation to ask if I wanted to hang out when I got back . And that's when I kinda agreed I would give her a call when I got back, but never did. After I got back, the days turned into weeks which turned into months of NC and I've yet to hear from her after that, and it's now a year this month. Anyway I apologize for the length and some of the repititous content but I wanted to be more specific.

Posted

I'm 19 months out from the end of a 10 month relationship and I still mourn every day. There is a big hole in my life without him. Sometimes I sit alone and talk to him like he can hear me. I haven't dated AT ALL and don't foresee ever doing it again. You're not alone.

 

She begged me to take her back and I wouldn't. After that a few weeks went by and she called my at a time where I was missing her quite a bit and was taking a short vacation to ask if I wanted to hang out when I got back . And that's when I kinda agreed I would give her a call when I got back, but never did. After I got back, the days turned into weeks which turned into months of NC and I've yet to hear from her after that

 

I wouldn't contact you again either! You broke up with her, wouldn't take her back, didn't call when you said you would...those are all pretty strong signs you want nothing to do with her.

Posted

I hate to tell you this shadow but you rejected her and closed the door. You made your bed and now you must lie in it. Grieving takes time.

 

Your ex was obviously smart enough to take the hint and move on. Leave her alone. You don't need to complicate her with your feelings now. You might compromise some of the healing and work she has done. To be honest, I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who treated me the way you did your ex - in fact I don't. My ex did almost the same thing and I have no desire to ever speak to him again. I don't even feel like he has the right to think of me or look in my direction... but that's me. If it's any consolation I did love him once.

 

I'm sorry if it sounds as though I am projecting, maybe I am. She's probably doing just fine and once you start to embrace your healing and maybe get some therapy you will be just fine too. In the meantime you have LS. Its a great place to get it all out -even after a year. There is no equation to figure out how long it should take to heal. Face it head on and get through it even if it seems unusually long. When you lose someone you love it hurts and that's okay...

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Posted
I wouldn't contact you again either! You broke up with her, wouldn't take her back, didn't call when you said you would...those are all pretty strong signs you want nothing to do with her.

 

Hi Sedgwick,

 

Looking back on the situation there were very good reasons why I wanted nothing to do with her however as time has gone on I'm remembering less and less what those reasons were. I shouldn't be second guessing my decision considering it was the right the thing to do at the time for my own personal well being. But damn I still miss her so much, even after a year, especially because I've yet to meet anyone who I've connected with in a similar way. I realize there are plenty of fish in the sea but there was a reason why she was my longest relationship, and it had a lot to do with our similar sense of humor, music, goals, sex, etc. I've never met another female who was almost like a mirror image of myself until I met my ex.

 

 

Your ex was obviously smart enough to take the hint and move on. Leave her alone. You don't need to complicate her with your feelings now. You might compromise some of the healing and work she has done. To be honest, I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who treated me the way you did your ex - in fact I don't. My ex did almost the same thing and I have no desire to ever speak to him again. I don't even feel like he has the right to think of me or look in my direction... but that's me. If it's any consolation I did love him once.

 

Hi Charlotte,

 

I agree with you and wouldn't even think about contacting her to this day. I'd have to say that if we did speak or ran into eachother somewhere it would be extremely awkward because of the way things were left. I've never experienced that with an ex as I am usually on somewhat decent terms after a breakup, especially after a year. As far as treating her the way you suspect I did from my post, It's not what you think. Just to clear it up, the reason why I didn't call her back was because I knew she was ready to move on (since she was already talking to other guys) and didn't have the balls to breakup with me, completely. She wanted to have me as a security blanket in case her new adventures fell by the wayside. I caught her several times talking/texting/emailing guys she never talked to before when we were together, so I had to cut it off. I'm not going to be anyone's second choice or doormat. So then why am I feeling so guilty if I was justified in moving on from someone like this and choosing not to call/hang out? Well because I still miss the great chemistry/connection we once had that was so special. That's something that will be very hard to match with anyone in my romantic future.

Posted

You know, we all heal at our own rate. So just because your feeling this way 10 months later does not mean there is anything wrong with that. I've had past break ups that took a year plus to fully recover from. I will tell you that talkling to a therapist does help as well as keeing yourself busy. Try not to stress to much over it. You will get past this at some point or another. Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for the nice words Mea. Ya know I never thought I'd be one of those who didn't know how to let go of an ex, and although I'm not contacting her I still feel like she's here sometimes. Up until now this behavior was really uncharacteristic of me and maybe I just need to accept that and also that this one will just take a little more healing time than the others. I think I am going to try therapy, not just for this reason, but many others as well. I'll let everyone know how it goes.

Posted

dude, come on dude, come on... be a man.. be a man dude....

you rejected, packed up your stuff, blew her off, then never contacted her

 

you = THE MAN dude, now be a man, pick up the phone, call her, tell her you was want to hang out

 

see what she says

 

take it from there

 

what you waiting for? either let her break you NOW once and for all, don't be scared

best case, she's single and not seeing anyone..

 

worst case, she cusses you the hell out.. eitherway.. gotta risk it.. do something.

 

or yo can type to strangers on the internet

 

risk it dude, go for it, you never know, all you got is to loose is your pride

Posted

agreed, call her. know one way or the other

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