Salanna Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Hello Everyone. This is my very 1st Post to any Chat room on the internet. I have NO choice to ask for help, before I go literally insane. I am a WOMAN - 44 Years Old - Married 23 Yrs. - My Husband is the 1st and Last Boyfriend I ever had. We were both Virgins when we met, and to this day we were ALWAYS were very Proud to have this committment to eachother. It was an unbreakable Bond between us. Ever since my Husband turned 40, (he is now 45) he has never been the same man. I would swear that he was going through Mid Life Crisis. It was unbearable to live with him. He hated everything I did, I could not please him. It was all about Him. He was such in a selfish mode. For the last Year, up to present day, My husband was having an Emotional Affair with this woman at work, Who I new very well, and liked a real lot. They have SO much in Common, Work, Marital problems, both were in bad car accidents they had alot to relate to. HOW DID I FIND THIS OUT?? Well I could Thank OPRAH. I watched a TV show last week on the subject of Cheating Spouses. And after the show ended I took some advise. and did some detective work, and found evidence that was overwelming. I confronted it to my Husband, and all was revealed. He had NO choice, there was NO more room for his lies. The patterns from Our Cell Phone records from the beginning of the year to the present, read like a book, as the "Just Friends" Relationship grew deeper and deeper. Longer phone conversations, Talking Mornings, Luch, and on the way home from work. Then, It began to be Sat. Sunday and Late nights. Found out that as she was seperating from her husband (for the third time) She had asked my Husband if she could borrow $2,000. We didn't have the money saved, so he borrowed money on the credit card. Never knew this until now. He hid this from him. Get this too, Jan 1st at 12:21AM, after we just toasted champagne with my 13 year old son, an myself. As we got ready for Bed, He sent a Text to her to wish her a Happy New Year. Then he came to bed to me. Of course I didn't know this until I saw the records 2 days ago. Well the confrontation began, and we have been having alot of Hot arguments. He says that he he enjoyed talking with her. He had alot of things in common. He began to have alot of thoughts about her . And he also told her he had feelings for her. She has not reciprocated back with the same feelings. But they still continued there cell conversations. So, as he states, I never had any Sex, and I don't think that I would have, I was too chicken ****. (As I said we were both virgins when we married). Not to say that he didn't fantasize about sex with other woman. Even though he feels Guilty to have Hurt me, He really doesn't truly believe that he has done anything wrong. I cannot convince him, in any shape or form, How deeply hurt I am, and how trivial it is to him, which makes the pain in my heart hurt even more. What in God's name do I do??? I have asked him to leave last night, to reflect, he went to a Hotel and has booked a 5 day stay. PLEASE any Help or advice would be wonderful. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!
OpenBook Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 If I had to take a wild guess (and I am), I would say that your marriage isn't working anymore. You need to either create a brand-new marriage with this man, or say goodbye. The old way has left the building. You need to build something else with this man, something more solid and lasting than the fact that you & he never had sex with anyone else. Sex (in and of itself) means nothing; it's just a physical function. I think you're putting too much significance on it... and maybe not enough on other aspects of your marriage??
ForumFool Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Hi I am sorry you feel so bad and were put in this spot...me too kinda.....I think the best thing you can do is call her and her hubby and demand that $2000.00 back....Hubby can stay away..no contact until he goes to MC and seeks therapy on his own too.....I frankly would dump him if you can be on your own finacially...he is a worm to lie and sneak and ....I don't wanna make you feel worse but he could be lieing on the physical cheating.....This had gone on far too long...He oughta also look for new work if you do let him stay ....Thats my best ....hugs and sorry for your pain
Author Salanna Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Thank you so much for responding. You can't imagine what a joy to see a response. Yes, I have definately thought of this, and confronted this to him. He denies to his dying breath that he has not had a physical relationship. I truly belive him. Am I a fool. There is no way to know this. Only by his word. Thank you again for your response.
signedin2008 Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Thank you so much for responding. You can't imagine what a joy to see a response. Yes, I have definately thought of this, and confronted this to him. He denies to his dying breath that he has not had a physical relationship. I truly belive him. Am I a fool. There is no way to know this. Only by his word. Thank you again for your response. Keep in mind that a wayward spouse will often swear on their lives/souls of their children that they have not cheated while lying through their teeth. Some will even lie when undisputed evidence are presented. You need to expose the affair and expose it now to anyone and everyone who your husband and this OW respect including their parents, siblings, employers, best friends, etc. You need to ask the OW and her husband the $2,000 back. Tell them (yes, including the seperated Husband) how much you and you kids need the money.
Author Salanna Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Hello, Your words are very wise. It is so so difficult, as I have had a lifetime with this Man, and he has become an invisible Thread to my being. You are correct in saying that I was putting alot of importance on the sexual bond we had. But you are right, as there is NO emotional Bond left. We just do not know how to get the feelings back. And neither has to know how or energy to do so. Of course I can spend hours and hours of the History of my life with this man. I met him when I was six years old, and have photos of making our communions together. When I turned 15, we fell for eachother. It was a beautiful story. How in God's name do you let him go. I don't think that i can handle the loss. Thank you so much for your wise input. Thoughts to sleep on. Thank you!
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Hire a PI. He is going to lie lie lie and deny deny deny for as long as he can. This is your husband, the man you've spent more than half your lifetime with.. Fight for him, if you love him.. Do marriage counselling together, try to reconnect, remember what brought you two together.. HIS choice in cheating is NOT your fault. He owns that 100%! Whatever problems in the marriage isn't a justifcation for him to cheat. Do a site search on Thumbingmyway, his story might help you and it's quite inspirational.
ForumFool Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Sweetie I feel so sorry for you cause I can hear the pain and betrayal......I know you can't know but hey if my snake of a hubby had suspected me of an affair and I was busted with loaning cash we didn't owe as well as calls and so on..I would NOT be denying what I DID do ..I would be mega sorry and say and do ALL I could to end any contact with this person...So to me, and I could be wrong but if your hubby will not see a theapist as I suggested and if he won't tell her AND HER HUBBY SAY in a certified letter he is calling the loan in...then I would say its more than he said. Look just last week....my snake of a spouse....whom I knew lied and all but did not know he met women and also had sex sites all over ....was trying to connnect with chicks for an affair....he at first denied it.....but being busted WITH the emails and all......kinda ended that...then and still it is....I didn't meet anyone...yet I have 1 email from an old school chum who drove from out of state taling about how wonderful ALL their meetings were.....now it could have just been chit chat but I doubt it....and at minimum he wanted to DO IT because he said something to her in an email on whips and chains...He had secret credit card and so much.....trust me cheaters will lie like hell....even NOW with all I have ...lies....though I let them roll off me..I am telling you this not to kick you down worse cause I know how it feels ..I REALLY do.....but to make you look at all the ways and things you need to look at....Is it gonna be easy for you...no.....But if you let it be as is...you will wonder every day where he has been.....is he ****ing her now....where he took a loan out next...etc........I will be checking in on you and will be praying for you too..I think you need to tell all to all......and you have the proof...copy it keep it and hide it well......NOT EASY but its better than living and dealing with someone who WILL NOT repent and will tear your heart out even more...Hugs ..and so sorry
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