When your friends don't want to listen anymore...

[SYL]

After losing a professional, personal, and intimate relationship with someone that has made significant impact financially and personally, I blame myself -- especially where my daughters are concerned. I had granted far too much importance on this man and his family in our lives and I am paying severely for it on various levels. It is difficult to keep from falling into another spin. Emotionally for me, I am doing great! However, I am screwed financially, my daughters are upset, and my circle of friends is somewhat strained due to my constant levels of stress.

 

They stepped in to support me through my miscarriage (when he abandoned me), encouraged me to seek other contracts (when he terminated my services), brought joy into my daughters' lives whenever possible (I do not have family in town), and now they are simply exhausted. With my daughters' new insecure sense of 'family' because there is an NC with his family, my friends are left feeling frustrated.

 

Money is really tight, I work from home, and I do not own a car so that rules out various forms of distractions. Again, I blame myself for walking into such a situation with a man that so many have suffered from. There is no mistaking my guilt, frustration, and stress over it, but I have to always be so strong for my daughters that often I feel I do not have anywhere to go to let my guard down.

 

When you feel this alone, and your closest friends aren't available, what do you do?

[Knight_Ctrl]

After losing a professional, personal, and intimate relationship with someone that has made significant impact financially and personally, I blame myself -- especially where my daughters are concerned. I had granted far too much importance on this man and his family in our lives and I am paying severely for it on various levels. It is difficult to keep from falling into another spin. Emotionally for me, I am doing great! However, I am screwed financially, my daughters are upset, and my circle of friends is somewhat strained due to my constant levels of stress.

 

They stepped in to support me through my miscarriage (when he abandoned me), encouraged me to seek other contracts (when he terminated my services), brought joy into my daughters' lives whenever possible (I do not have family in town), and now they are simply exhausted. With my daughters' new insecure sense of 'family' because there is an NC with his family, my friends are left feeling frustrated.

 

Money is really tight, I work from home, and I do not own a car so that rules out various forms of distractions. Again, I blame myself for walking into such a situation with a man that so many have suffered from. There is no mistaking my guilt, frustration, and stress over it, but I have to always be so strong for my daughters that often I feel I do not have anywhere to go to let my guard down.

 

When you feel this alone, and your closest friends aren't available, what do you do?

 

1. Get out

2. Make new friends

3. ?????

4. PROFIT!!!!

[gavinus]

My advice for what is worth is as I have recently been dumped, I have told friends, family etc and now I am seeing a councillor. As I am broke I am seeing a councillor through my work place and it is great to have somebodys opinion who is not involved. I am sure there would be telephone people who you could call to just chat too as well. Sometimes the best advice is one from a stranger, somebody who can see the wood through the trees, good luck, stay strong :)

[SYL]

I did forget to mention that... I am in counseling and I have done a lot of reading and writing to get it all out.

 

Things just seem to keep 'popping up' everywhere I turn, likely because he was so involved in so many areas of my life. Financially I am really hurting and this economy does not make it easy to get contract work. Most recently, my girls have shown significant signs of upset over the loss of his family's presence. As soon as I put out a fire somewhere, another one flares up.

 

My friends are exhausted.

 

I am financially housebound and I work from home so interacting with people during the day is nil. I've turned to these boards to distract myself with helping others... Really does not do much to lift the spirit.

[Knight_Ctrl]

Ok time for some real advice.

 

Seriously, you just need to get out. Go drive some random place, meet a random person and just start talking. It doesn't need to be someone of the opposite sex. Just expressing yourself to somebody totally random can do wonders for making you feel better and getting a little bit of that hope back. Take care of yourself.

[EmperorR]

Sign up for some night classes

[IcemanJB]

Ok time for some real advice.

 

Seriously, you just need to get out. Go drive some random place, meet a random person and just start talking. It doesn't need to be someone of the opposite sex. Just expressing yourself to somebody totally random can do wonders for making you feel better and getting a little bit of that hope back. Take care of yourself.

 

She doesn't have a car currently.

 

OP, do you live in a city or rural area?

[Zapbasket]

I read some of your earlier posts and I'm so sorry about your situation.

 

You say your friends are all "exhausted." How do you know that? Did they flat-out tell you they are sick of hearing about your woes, or are they not returning your calls/emails? Or are you assuming they must be exhausted after all the venting you've done?

 

I hope you'll answer that as then perhaps I'll have more specific advice for you. But in the meantime, offhand I can suggest starting a journal and writing in it any time you feel like you need to talk to someone, just to take the edge off. Coming here a lot is also a way to divert the amount of burden you place on the shoulders of those who know you in person. It also serves as companionship in another way, in that you can "be with" others who are in similar pain. Sometimes in the "real world" when you're having a really hard time, it can feel like you are the only one whose life is sucking at the moment. Everyone has their ups and downs, of course, but it's good to remember that perhaps many people who seem "up" are themselves logging into LoveShack in an effort not to "burden" those around them. ;-)

[SYL]

She doesn't have a car currently.

 

OP, do you live in a city or rural area?

 

Thanks for reading my whole post... I feel so desperate right now that I fear another spin is about to show itself.

 

I live in a small town, transportation is brutal (buses twenty minutes away run every hour during rush hour). My house just sold and it is due to close in May. Until then, or until I can secure more contracts in this forsaken economy, I have $350 in my bank account. When I say money is tight, it's the honest truth.

 

I am not doing well tonight and my friends are avoiding me.

[SYL]

I read some of your earlier posts and I'm so sorry about your situation.

 

You say your friends are all "exhausted." How do you know that? Did they flat-out tell you they are sick of hearing about your woes, or are they not returning your calls/emails? Or are you assuming they must be exhausted after all the venting you've done?

 

I have done a lot of writing (previous posts). My friends have each flat out told me that they don't want to hear it anymore -- by email. They are not taking my calls. I feel like I have placed jeopardy on the few positives in my life.

[Zapbasket]

Before I tell you you have some really crappy friends and the upside to the pain you're in now is that you're now a free agent to make new, better friends....

 

...Why have your friends all turned on you like this? Friends are supposed to be there to listen when people have down times and are oozing all over the place. They're the ones who are supposed to give you tough love in the form of telling you to get it together, setting you on your feet, getting you out of the house...NOT in the form of abandoning you! That said, people WILL eventually start slipping away if they feel you're not taking responsibility to attempt to better your circumstances, and rather EXPECTING everyone around you to clean things up for you. I can't say whether you've done that or not. I can say it strikes me as quite unusual that ALL your friends would uniformly email you to tell you they are no longer available to hear your problems. Something's amiss. What are your thoughts?

 

Writing here isn't quite the same as writing in a journal. I suggest BOTH. Writing in a journal bolsters your relationship with YOURSELF so that you can better draw on whatever inner resources you have to improve this situation for you and your daughters.

[IcemanJB]

Don't worry about your friends; they'll come around. If you get the vibe from them like you're pressing on them too much, maybe pull back a bit.

 

As for the money situation, my best friend told me this morning that he is in trouble as well. He worked for a very large electronics store ( ) that is going out of business, and currently liquidating their stores. He mentioned to me today that he's REALLY hurting financially. If he asked to borrow money from me, I'd lend it to him in a heartbeat. BUT, it's probably a pride thing that he won't ask me for it.

 

What I'm saying is, if the money thing is really bothering you, you may have to swallow the pride (not saying you have a problem with it) and ask for a little cash for the meantime. I bet some people wouldn't even hesitate given your circumstances.

 

You may have to make that 20 minute trek to the bus stop, if anything to get out of the house and save your sanity. I like to walk through my downtown area at night to clear my mind; for some reason it helps.

 

Hang in there and keep us posted.

[SYL]

GreenGrove, I understand how it may appear... Without making myself seem victimized as I am having a hard time tonight, I will give you the Coles Notes. I could seriously write a book! This is seriously made for movies...

 

1. I was in an abusive marriage for ten years: he oppressed me, I wasn't allowed to leave the house, the kids were under my watch 24/7, couldn't have friends because of his jealousy and control, and I was forced to try and build a business from home. Without the freedom to travel to meet clients as I always had the children and no car, my business has been slow to build.

 

2. After he raped me for the first time two years into the marriage (and consistently through the years thereafter), I retreated emotionally. It took me eight years to find the courage and strength to leave.

 

3. At this time, I began building relationships around me -- personal and professional to prepare myself to lead a normal life for myself and my daughters.

 

4. Without family in town and friends that I had just met, I asked him to stay with his dad down the street. He refused to leave and he went nuts.

 

5. My life was threatened with knives. The children's lives were threatened. He threatened his own life. He became physically abusive to all of us. His verbal abuse escalated.

 

6. I turned to my new friends. They helped me find a Women & Children's shelter where I resided for some time until Family Court ordered him to leave the house so that my daughters and I had somewhere to go until things were finalized in our divorce. I signed a non-prejudice agreement that if I was let back into the house, he could access temporary visitation.

 

7. I lost 25lbs and discovered that I have a heart condition during this time.

 

8. Ex husband attempted to break into the house, using my daughter as his accomplice during one visit. I wasn't supposed to be but I was in the house, too scared to open the door in his rage. I was not aware of the position my daughter was in.

 

9. After he finally left, I called my lawyer who told me to call the police. I called each of my friends who urged the same. I didn't want to stay in the house alone so I went over to my best friend's house down the street. I called from there -- two of my friends were there for support. I was asked what the nature of the relationship with my ex was, for them to understand why I was afraid to open the door. A report was filed, Child Services were called in. He was arrested. He was charged. Now there's a restraining order and criminal court to face.

 

10. The kids were really messed up and I started them in counseling. My friends at this time were getting tired of the never ending drama in my life but they stood by me.

 

11. My confidence, however, was making great strides. I started dating and enjoying life again -- I was returning to my former self. I also began my 'secret' relationship with my best friend. I got pregnant and miscarried. He relinquished his responsibility in the situation and stripped me of all our relationships -- professional, personal, and physical.

 

12. I finally owned up to my other friends who lent me more support... I felt guilty, I felt ashamed. My new confidence took a severe beating. Having this miscarriage though and losing my best friend was even harder than the abuse I endured in my marriage. That's probably because I retreated emotionally years prior whereas with my BFF it was unexpected. I started counseling.

 

13. I lost another 15lbs. I now weigh in at just over 100lbs.

 

14. Financially I began to suffer without his contracts coming in. The house wouldn't sell either. So I curbed back on our lifestyle... which was hard on the girls. Without child support from their dad and the economy the way it was / is, I had no choice. I send out resumes in an extremely competitive job market ten hours a day.

 

15. I started dating again to keep myself upbeat, to be social. Had one 'interest' who I felt was too serious after the third date. It was too much pressure so I stopped seeing him after one month.

 

16. My house finally sold and will close in the spring. We reduced the price by $100k because of the economy. I hope to move into the big city -- transportation will be easier. Ex husband has requested a court order that I cannot I cannot remove the children from their school. As they are in my primary care, that would mean that I cannot move out of town. Legal complications but it's a part of it.

 

17. My daughters started asking for social time and I couldn't afford anything for them -- even Christmas was provided for by charity this year (my pride took a severe beating). So they asked to visit 'friends' which wouldn't cost anything -- in particular, they asked for my exBFF whom they had come to know as family and where had he been? I answered that he was busy, not wanting to disclose the real matter because it would be inappropriate to do so. They ramped it up until I finally had to tell them that he no longer wants to be a part of our family (last night).

 

That's the short version. My friends have had enough... and I am honestly exhausted myself. I cannot wait until my new life adventure begins in the spring. I am a very positive person in general, despite the sequence of events in my recent life. I am just having a bad and needy night... Sorry y'all.

[SYL]

Don't worry about your friends; they'll come around. If you get the vibe from them like you're pressing on them too much, maybe pull back a bit.

 

What I'm saying is, if the money thing is really bothering you, you may have to swallow the pride (not saying you have a problem with it) and ask for a little cash for the meantime. I bet some people wouldn't even hesitate given your circumstances.

 

I do really love my friends dearly. They have seen some of my darkest days. I have already sent them heartfelt notes tonight about how sorry I am for frustrating them (I was bawling). I know they love me and are showing me a bit of tough love. I am truly lucky to have them.

 

And one of them has offered to lend me $5k to tie me over as he knows my house is sold. I have to swallow some more pride before I do it though...

[SYL]

Update...

 

My girls are both home today. Little one is on an alternate day off from JK. My older daughter is home because there was a skiing field trip that I couldn't afford to sign her up for. This certainly sets her apart from her classmates and impacts her perspective on my situation... which is not fair.

 

I am trying to find that strength in me to be proactive -- to keep sending out resumes, making calls, etc. but I just don't have it in me today. I am a fairly strong person, I know it's there but it's hiding. My girls are off with their dad for the weekend and while I normally have my 'free' weekends packed with social activities and engagements, I have not had the energy to make any plans.

 

I am really beginning to feel like I am in the beginning stages of spiraling into another spin. I can tell by the state of my home -- it's a disaster. I am on the brink of bawling but keep holding it back because my daughters are home and I need to stay strong for them (at least appear that way for their benefit). While my friends are still silent, I have not made any contact with them.

[Ronni_W]

And one of them has offered to lend me $5k ... I have to swallow some more pride

You could look at it as "swallowing pride", and then you could say, "I have to sacrifice my pride for the sake of my children's emotional, mental, physical and spiritual safety and well-being."

 

Or. Maybe it's NOT an opportunity to learn how to swallow pride, but a chance to be grateful for, and accepting of, what the Universe is offering you; as well as a chance to role-model for your kids how to open their hearts and minds to be able to receive, with grace and dignity.

[SRV]

Having read your post, you are faring as best as you know how. Just from reading your other post too, I might suggest that you take some time off from dating and focus on other aspects of your life, creating stability and direction especially your daughters and your own sake. Please search the net and read up on co-dependency, it might help in your case.

 

Friends are there as sounding boards but only to a certain extent. You have to be fair to them that they too have their own lives and hardships, and especially now with these hard economic times.

 

You said you were in counseling, that's good. It will help you overcome some of the issues that you had in your prior marriage. It is important to do that so that you do not bring that baggage to your current and future relationships. You have to be happy and stable by yourself and for your daughters before offering it that in any meaningful relationship.

[SYL]

I started 'dating' just to be out and be social -- something for me without thoughts to become committed. I am not ready for that, this I know. I don't even kiss my dates... but genuinely have a good time in their company. I just want positive and light conversations, something to distract myself from all the negativity that surrounds me, even for a brief period of time twice a month to keep me lifted.

 

My 'secret' relationship with my BFF was more out of physical need. I loved him in a caring way but I was not 'in love' with him. He knew that and we vowed to maintain the friendship above all. Sometimes I felt he had developed 'special feelings' for me whereas I was not ready to embark on more than what I was capable of offering. He knew that but kept asking if I did... He always seemed disappointed when I denied him any special feelings to the point where he became angry and told me that I did anyway. I simply didn't. He eventually began dating more and more women. After our miscarriage, I wonder what the real reason was when he pulled away from me in such a dramatic way -- I wonder if there was more for him and the root reason he had to 'protect' himself from me in every aspect of our involvement. I don't know. So many questions... and he refuses to discuss. The friendship for me meant the most and I kick myself for not having any foresight that it would be destroyed.

 

Moreover, my ex husband hated my friends, was jealous of them even though I formed those relationships after we separated. He hated one no more than the other and knew them through the community. He has interrogated my daughters about them and fed the local rumour mill just to cause me more distress -- it has dug deeper into my personal and professional reputations. As I work and live here, it has become suffocating and one of the reasons I don't walk through the neighbourhood for occasional interaction. During his last visit with the children, he 'stole' my daughter's cel and it is currently in his possession. I am glad that certain numbers had already been removed... I have kept new friends from my daughters' knowledge and I refuse to make introductions just to prevent them from being placed in the middle with their dad's line of questioning.

 

I don't enjoy living like this, like my life is not yet my own as I try to protect my children from unpleasant situations with their dad. I blame myself for exhausting my friends. And I feel so alone. I feel a new spin is about to show its ugly face. The pressure is just too much.

[SYL]

"My dear friend,

 

I wanted to begin by saying that I feel in debt to you and your family for all the support you have provided me. The strain that I caused in your family is guilt that I have carried all this time. As I am in the primary stages of spiraling into the face of another ugly spin, I have decided to step back from our friendship to prevent the furthering of tension I have felt between us for the last several months.

 

While wishing to protect our friendship that I deeply value today, I also cannot bare the pressure of not being able to share my whole self -- and how that alone impacts our sisterhood if I don't communicate entirely my unrelenting journey, or cross the line and do like I did this week. I possess enormous respect for your commitment to focus on yourself and your family and my heart sincerely encourages you to maintain your present course, similarly as I am obligated to myself to confront my own trials to the very best of my abilities. I look forward to and anticipate sharing sunnier days with you in the future.

 

Until then, know that I love you dearly with all my heart and that it pains me to initiate this temporary interruption in our friendship.

 

Your Friend."

 

Response:

"Until happier times then. Wishing you and the girls all the best."

 

Why does this feel so bad??

[SYL]

Update...

 

Knowing myself, I am currently incapable of walking on egg shells about what it is that I can and cannot talk about. I am not confident that if a mistake is made that it will not permanently destroy our friendship or that resentment will not grow towards the set limitations, leading to the same result. I need to take the time to honestly acknowledge and work through how I am feeling without the added pressure of possibly ruining another valued friendship. Believe when I say, this was not an easy decision.

 

Thank you for your wishes, hon.

 

All my love.

 

Response:

I understand. Take care of yourself and you will come out just fine on the other end of this journey.

 

I can't help but feel like I am re-experiencing the same disappointment I felt with my best friend. She seems so 'short' when her notes to me in the past were so extensive. I feel like responding and asking her about it but too afraid to f*uck this one up too...

 

My friends are dropping like flies and it hurts on top of hurting!!

[blondesmiler]

Make a new friend or two, female preferably.

 

Get on something like Meet up.com and get out and about.

 

Sounds silly maybe but go treat yourself to a massage or something nice, look after yourself. It will help maybe only short term but sometimes thats all thats needed to see you through for a few days etc

 

Sort your house out, as once done you will I am sure feel alot calmer and better, especially about yourself.

 

Take your Daughters out for the day, for a walk in the park, to play on swings, or to a theme park.

 

You have to have a bit of determination, but if you dig really deep am sure you can find some.

 

Worst thing you can sometimes do is do nothing and instead overthink, as like you say it just spirals.

 

Btw - some of my friends are useless at times, wrapped up with themselves but expect me, good old single Debz to always be around at a drop of a hat for them. So I still have them but made some new friends, one of which is also single and we go out loads and do some really fun things and are on the same level which is great.

[SYL]

Blondsmiller, thanks. Money is tight until my house closes and without a vehicle, social activities are limited...

 

My friend (above) is still in contact with me in relation to HER needs. I am feeding it because I love her while at the same time I feel it is unfair that I am set to limitations -- her stressors are just as intense as mine.

 

I have made a new 'friend' but just last night he asked if we could also engage in physical activities to 'tie us over' until someone special enters our lives. Based on my recent history over the last year, a red flag has popped up for me... I'm a MESS!

[Island Girl]

I have felt like this with two of my friends - very dear fiends - who got "stuck" and would continue to bash the same subject ad nauseum.

 

Each time it would be basically the SAME conversation just reworded over and over again. I just felt like I was being caught up in a one-sided conversation over and over again. There was no thought of what was going on in my life.

 

Having read your other thread in detail I can see the same pattern. Your writing, while eloquent, seems over dramatic and full of reasoning and excusing the jerks behavior. You just sounded "stuck".

It also comes across that because you were feeling certain things surely he MUST feel those things too. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some people are not so involved as we are in certain situations.

For instance, he made it perfectly clear he was in no way feeling any bonding emotions with your unfortunate pregnancy. He was not attached and had no indecisiveness about what his wants were. He declared them immediately and even expressed happiness that the situation ended as it did.

That is completely the opposite of your reaction.

 

I understand you are a deeply feeling person.

 

I understand that you are hurting and need support.

 

But when things are over one can only listen to the same thing over and over just so many times. After that there should be a progression toward a more healthy outlook, a shift toward letting it go, and a commitment to moving on from the trauma.

At some point it just has to be put to rest.

 

I agree with the other posters that you should get out and meet new people or get out with the friends who aren't ignoring you.

But do not go down that road of telling your tale of woe again. Talk about what is possible or ideas you may have. Ask for ideas that they may have about other situations in your life - or just talk about current events.

Maybe ask them to share about what is going on in their lives and let them talk while you just listen.

THAT can go along way.

 

And you'd be surprised how much better you will feel by just having a healthy positive interaction with another human being. It will go a long way toward a boost to your feelings of competence and optimism about what you do have going for you.

 

BTW, take the loan from your friend. It will assist you with getting the financial stress of your shoulders now so you won't feel so desperate and alone.

It will give you some freedom to get out of your house to get coffee with a friend or something.

And you know you will be able to pay him back when you get the money from the sale of your home.

 

I wish you the best of luck. And my friends that I spoke of are still friends. We do talk now. It isn't exactly the same but I didn't get the respectful message that you gave to yours either. So the rebuilding, without that acknowledgment, has led to hesitation in "getting too deep" on my side. I think you will fair a lot better when it comes to the reconciliation of the friendships than I.

[blondesmiler]

Blondsmiller, thanks. Money is tight until my house closes and without a vehicle, social activities are limited...

 

My friend (above) is still in contact with me in relation to HER needs. I am feeding it because I love her while at the same time I feel it is unfair that I am set to limitations -- her stressors are just as intense as mine.

 

I have made a new 'friend' but just last night he asked if we could also engage in physical activities to 'tie us over' until someone special enters our lives. Based on my recent history over the last year, a red flag has popped up for me... I'm a MESS!

 

 

On meet up.com they have things like walking groups, meeting for coffee and lots of other things that don't cost alot of money. I know its harder as I was having money issues last year but you just need to get creative.

 

Once you perhaps get to know a group, you could invite a few around for drinks and get them to bring their own.

 

On there you can also create your own groups.

 

But just going out for a walk or to play with the kids will give your brain a rest from over thinking too much. You need to do that, give your mental strength time to recover even if its only for an hour.

 

Yes I do understand about the friend you try and help, I am the same I go out of my way for my friends. My close friend who I love dearly spent a month or so talking to me about her marriage problems etc etc but when I mention that I am lonely or feeling ***** about stuff its a different matter.

 

The only thing I can say is while you talking to them about their problems it does stop you from thinking about yours

[chris250]

This is why I never tell friends and family when a breakup happens. It's only a matter of time before they'll get tired of listening so I don't bother to tell anybody when me and "so and so" are not together anymore. I wait for them to discover my breakup on their own.

 

I guess that's why I keep the friends that I have in the off-line world. I don't bother them with my problems. The more I keep to myself the more friends I'll gain and keep.

 

I can vent on here since I didn't come here to make friends.