What now? Is NC the only way to proceed?

[paperchase]

So after getting dumped and getting the closure I needed I'm half sane again. Still not getting a full night's sleep, but not obsessing over her quite as much. Not writing a million (unsent) letters a day or bothering every friend about my heart ache. I had been dying to speak with her and I finally got the conversation I wanted. Many people advise NC, but I couldn't live with the way things ended and the silence was driving me crazy...literally. So I met her and of course she didn't say she wanted me back. She said how happy she was and how well she was doing and that being away from me lifted a burden off her shoulders. She said she still thinks about us and she wished things could be different and gave me a little false hope in saying who knows what the future may hold. One thing that was strange was that she wouldn't look me in the eye when we met. I don't get that.

 

So that's that. I definitely feel better. So now I'm wondering if I go NC or if I just keep it friendly. If she texts do I just ignore it? Seems rude after we kinda cleared the air. In many ways I miss her friendship and it sucks that I can't text her or make small talk. I know I sound like a wussy because I got dumped but try to understand that I used to eat, sleep and breathe this woman. So when something good happens, I want to tell her. My phone vibrates all day and I'm kinda wishing it was her. I read that accepting friendship is a bad idea when you want more and I do want more, yet I deep down I know that we are probably incompatible.

 

I'm just looking for some advice.

 

--Khari

[northstar1]

So after getting dumped and getting the closure I needed I'm half sane again. Still not getting a full night's sleep, but not obsessing over her quite as much. Not writing a million (unsent) letters a day or bothering every friend about my heart ache. I had been dying to speak with her and I finally got the conversation I wanted. Many people advise NC, but I couldn't live with the way things ended and the silence was driving me crazy...literally. So I met her and of course she didn't say she wanted me back. She said how happy she was and how well she was doing and that being away from me lifted a burden off her shoulders. She said she still thinks about us and she wished things could be different and gave me a little false hope in saying who knows what the future may hold. One thing that was strange was that she wouldn't look me in the eye when we met. I don't get that.

 

So that's that. I definitely feel better. So now I'm wondering if I go NC or if I just keep it friendly. If she texts do I just ignore it? Seems rude after we kinda cleared the air. In many ways I miss her friendship and it sucks that I can't text her or make small talk. I know I sound like a wussy because I got dumped but try to understand that I used to eat, sleep and breathe this woman. So when something good happens, I want to tell her. My phone vibrates all day and I'm kinda wishing it was her. I read that accepting friendship is a bad idea when you want more and I do want more, yet I deep down I know that we are probably incompatible.

 

I'm just looking for some advice.

 

--Khari

 

".....gave me a little false hope".

That is what not doing NC will give you over and over again. Do you want to experience the pain and stress you are feeling now for months and months, as she lives her life while you pine over her?

 

Hell no.

 

You need distance to heal, and that includes breaking habits and communication.

Ignore all her communications, otherwise you'll still be in this spot 6 months from now.

 

This woman dumped you. She no longer deserves to have access to talking to you, or hearing about you, or getting support from you.

 

She tells you " how happy she was and how well she was doing and that being away from me lifted a burden off her shoulders" and you want to maintain a friendship after this?

 

You now you need to cut her off and live your life without her.

[Mary1977]

This woman dumped you. She no longer deserves to have access to talking to you, or hearing about you, or getting support from you.

I don't think that this situation is that black and white. You can't say that she doesn't deserve support or friendship just because she doesn't want a romantic relationship. Ok, if the women stole from you, cheated on you, abused you...and was not remorseful then yep, she don't deserve your friendship. But have you ever considered that just because one type of relationship doesn't work out that you cannot embrace another one. I'm not saying it is always that easy, and there may be an initial tug of war, but it can be done. It can be done through love and respect. To be it sounds like she has been honest. She is sad that it didn't work out, but it didn't and you are both grown up enough to face that.

I dumped my ex husband, if you want to put it that way. In reality we spoke about the end of our relationship as adults - neither of us had done anything wrong, and it is true that he would have done anything to make me stay, but he was unable to give me what I wanted, and I was unable to give him what he wanted. We openly spoke about what we wanted and why we weren't happy, and compatible as we were, and as much as we love each other and wanted it to work, it just didn't. We admited that we were not able to provide what the other wanted or needed - and that, as we only get one life, we had to go out and try and find it. We made the decision to be friends. It was hard, and a little awkward at first, but we maintained a mutual respect and we never ever crossed the line. We knew where we stood - and we were honest and able to talk about anything and everything. Soon after we split I had to undergo hospital treatment, he supported me. You can't say that I didn't deserve that because I dumped him. And I know that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have supported him in a heart beat - and I guess it is because he knows that that he was willing to support me.

Relationships grow and relationships evolve. We shouldn't always think that because we don't get what we want - because our initial aspirations of the relationship aren't met that we can't embrace something new or different.

I personally find it hard to understand how when someone is such a massive part of your life for a long time to just terminate that completely on a toss of a coin.

[SRV]

Mary1977, it only holds true as in your case if there is the same or almost same level of maturity and respect as in your case.

[paperchase]

I don't think that this situation is that black and white. You can't say that she doesn't deserve support or friendship just because she doesn't want a romantic relationship. Ok, if the women stole from you, cheated on you, abused you...and was not remorseful then yep, she don't deserve your friendship.

 

Well she did cheat on me and it wasn't nice. We weren't officially a couple, but she led me on until she lined up my replacement. By the time she said we should date other people, she was several steps ahead of me. I was crushed and she hasn't been that remorseful. Certainly not overly so. It's almost like she's a little mad at me which has put me on the defensive a bit instead of holding her accountable for her actions.

 

After dumping me she shut me out and went NC for a few days which drove me crazy. She claims to have done it because I scared her the way I looked when I found out about the other guy. I pressed her on this scared stuff because she claimed she couldn't sleep and actually thought I might harm her. I've never shown any such behavior and I took the suggestion seriously. All she said was that I wasn't myself, I seemed off, and sometimes she didn't feel like she knew me anymore. I told her I was off because the woman I thought I'd marry just left me.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment. My days are really lonely without having my ex to talk to and rush home to see. I miss the companionship more than the sex. I should be mad at her, but I'm not so mad I want her out of my life. It's probably because deep down, as much as I want her, I've kinda come to the realization that it wouldn't have worked long term. Maybe this is why I'm even considering a friendship. Still, though, I wish we were together and I don't want to pine so I guess NC is the only way.

 

I know I'm rambling, but I'm a bit scared that after I finally move on she's going to come back and I'm not going to know what to do. Maybe not, but she's young and I think she just needs to spread her wings a bit to realize that she was flying with one of the best men she might ever meet (in my most humble voice).

[trueblue72ny]

you know what you should do brother is no contact her a$$. plain & simple. if she wants to get a hold of you than she knows how too. she hasnt forgot how too. she is out there living the wild life now while you are stewing. i know its not easy when you want someone around, but the best way to get on with things is start doing your own thing!

 

dude i sat around pining for months and was dragged through the mudd! i work with mine! she was messing with me at work too! now almost 7 months later i am staring to have some fun. and i am moving on! i bought a motorcycle, joined a softball league, go to the gym and am making new friends and going on new dates! i got a hottie coming out to stay with me for awhile from california!! and i am in new york!!!

 

so ya, if mine wants to contact me, than coool! i'll be polite and say hi and keep it short and make her wonder what im up too. no need to be a douche and make her feel justified for saying see ya. and you are just torturing yourself by continuing to cotact her. go to the gym.

 

you will thank youself. summer is coming up and if you are going to be missing someone, there is no harm in bing in shape while you are pining around.

[trueblue72ny]

oh an one other thing, if you let her contact you than you know she wants to talk with you! if you are always contacting her first you feel like a FOOL because you just dont know if she really wants to talk to you , or is just humoring you, right?????

 

thats the very least she can do for making you feel like this AND running around on you!

 

THINK ABOUT IT

[BCCA]

You can't say that she doesn't deserve support or friendship just because she doesn't want a romantic relationship

 

If that's not what he wants, then he certainly can. I understand, people have to go with their hearts and accept reality, but you dont have to be pleased about it and accept a downgrade in your relationship because it suits the other person better. In any relationship, there has to be a mutual benefit. What benefit are you going to get from someone who broke your heart and just wants to offer you a half-assed friendship? The problem is that 'freinds' to a lot of dumpers is 'I just want to now you dont hate me, and then I can move right on without guilt'. Rarely do these 'friendships' last, and it holds people back.

 

NC is absolutely the only choice you have. She wouldnt look you in the eyes and gave you false hopes because she feels guilty, and thinks letting you down easy will spare your feelings, and thereby, assauge her guilt. She isn't offering anything you want, whats the point of keeping in contact? You want to hear about who she's dating, etc? Doubtful.

 

Most people only remain friends because they think its better than nothing, when in reality, the entire friendship is nothing.

[paperchase]

You can't say that she doesn't deserve support or friendship just because she doesn't want a romantic relationship

 

If that's not what he wants, then he certainly can. I understand, people have to go with their hearts and accept reality, but you dont have to be pleased about it and accept a downgrade in your relationship because it suits the other person better. In any relationship, there has to be a mutual benefit. What benefit are you going to get from someone who broke your heart and just wants to offer you a half-assed friendship? The problem is that 'freinds' to a lot of dumpers is 'I just want to now you dont hate me, and then I can move right on without guilt'. Rarely do these 'friendships' last, and it holds people back.

 

NC is absolutely the only choice you have. She wouldnt look you in the eyes and gave you false hopes because she feels guilty, and thinks letting you down easy will spare your feelings, and thereby, assauge her guilt. She isn't offering anything you want, whats the point of keeping in contact? You want to hear about who she's dating, etc? Doubtful.

 

Most people only remain friends because they think its better than nothing, when in reality, the entire friendship is nothing.

 

That's hardcore, but I think you're right. I want to be friends because I want her in my life somehow, someway, but it's probably not healthy. She betrayed me and so the question arises how good of a friend was she. As for the false hope, I'm not sure if it's about assuaging her guilt or letting me down easy. I think it's more about keeping her options open. She's more selfish than sympathetic if that makes sense. I received the following text at 2:30 this morning after fighting all day and night to maintain NC:

 

"Hey. I just wanted to say that I hope ur sleeping better and having a goodnight. I was just thinking a/b u n thought I'd drop u a line :-) g'night"

 

More bread crumbs I suppose. Didn't know if I should respond and, if so, how. Was going to say something like: "Thanks for thinking of me. Hope you're feeling/sleeping better too." Advice?

[northstar1]

That's hardcore, but I think you're right. I want to be friends because I want her in my life somehow, someway, but it's probably not healthy. She betrayed me and so the question arises how good of a friend was she. As for the false hope, I'm not sure if it's about assuaging her guilt or letting me down easy. I think it's more about keeping her options open. She's more selfish than sympathetic if that makes sense. I received the following text at 2:30 this morning after fighting all day and night to maintain NC:

 

"Hey. I just wanted to say that I hope ur sleeping better and having a goodnight. I was just thinking a/b u n thought I'd drop u a line :-) g'night"

 

More bread crumbs I suppose. Didn't know if I should respond and, if so, how. Was going to say something like: "Thanks for thinking of me. Hope you're feeling/sleeping better too." Advice?

 

I know how hard this is man, you hold onto hope, and hearing from them builds that hope and you can read into it more than what it really represents.

 

But these are, as you admit, breadcrumbs. She either wants attention, or is trying to alleviate her guilt by making sure you don't 'hate' her.

Either way, her motives are based in some form of selfishness

 

I know everything is not black and white and I'm not trying to make her out to be the devil, but this woman betrayed you, which honestly is not something a committed, respectful partner does, nor a friend.

 

I would ignore, otherwise you'll get pulled back into a painful game of this.

[paperchase]

Thanks for the pep talk. I'm such a sucker for her. My feelings are all over the place. I go from sad to mad to indignant. I go from thinking it's all a blessing to wishing I could have her back. I had written her a bunch of letters and each one had a different tone/sentiment. I'd love to get to the place I've read others have found where they don't ever want to hear from their ex again. I don't know if I've ever gotten there with a woman I loved.

 

It is curious as to why she would send a text at 2:30 am to someone who is having trouble sleeping. That's the precise time I finally went to sleep so I didn't get it until the morning. Given the hour it's possible she had been drinking. Either way, I'm not reading much into it. It did feel good to know she was thinking about me. Yet I want to smack myself for even feeling that way.

 

One more point. When they break NC, it seems to strengthen my resolve. One it reminds that they still care (something many of us fear that NC will diminish) and two it confirms the fact that they are manipulative because they are only seeking attentions now that you have decided to remain silent.

[paperchase]

So I just got this message due to my failure to respond to the one above:

 

"Uh I sent u a nice txt last night. U r rude."

 

Now I'm the bad guy (who got dumped). I guess I must continue to ignore even though part of me wants to say I'm not rude, I'm just moving on since you already have....or something to that effect.

 

The only reasons I'll keep quiet is: (1) I really am trying to move on and (2) everytime I have replied to her however innocently it seems to result in a shift of power to her.

[northstar1]

So I just got this message due to my failure to respond to the one above:

 

"Uh I sent u a nice txt last night. U r rude."

 

Now I'm the bad guy (who got dumped). I guess I must continue to ignore even though part of me wants to say I'm not rude, I'm just moving on since you already have....or something to that effect.

 

The only reasons I'll keep quiet is: (1) I really am trying to move on and (2) everytime I have replied to her however innocently it seems to result in a shift of power to her.

 

Bingo. You've figured it out. Now apply it and you're in a good spot.

[paperchase]

DO NOT BITE BACK.

 

She is completely deluded if she seriously believes that it isn't rude to text someone at 2.30am.

 

Seriously, you mustn't reply, you do not need to defend yourself as you have done nothing wrong. Let this go. If she contacts you in normal hours, for something specific or asking how you are...then you can decide whether to respond. But to that...NO WAY!

 

I don't think it was rude to txt because that won't wake me up and she knows that. I do think it's strange that she has a new man and is texting me sweet thoughts at 2:30 in the morning. This is the nicest she's been since dumping me so I guess she's beginning to have a little guilt over the pain she's caused. Maybe our little face to face put a chink in her armour. Who knows?

 

Heck, I still don't fully know why we broke up. My friends think she was infatuated with me, but never in love, and it naturally wore off so she's chasing the next infatuation now. I think she had issues with my baggage and never wanted to say that because it was baggage she accepted when we started dating over a year ago. She was giving me cop outs like you're not romatic enough towards the end. She really couldn't articulate. I asked how I could be more romatic. She said bring flowers. I digress.

 

But should you at least explain why you are going NC so that the other person doesn't think it's a game or that you hate them. I was considering saying something like:

 

"I'm not being rude. U moved on n I'm doin the same. Can't be the other guy or even friends right now. It's best if we don't talk for a few months so I can erase all this. Thx for mtg me n giving me the closure I needed. Take care of urself."

[paperchase]

ARRRRG! Back to square one. I just broke NC and answered her manipulative phone call. She tried to be cute calling me a meaning. Asking if I got her messages. I said I wasn't being mean. I told her that maybe I shouldn't have taken the call. Suggested I needed space. She was more than willing to give it to me and she pretty much ended the call. She took back the little leverage I had in all of a few minutes. Now I feel like I'm back at square one. She got what she wanted and I got screwed.

 

This is the worst.

[northstar1]

ARRRRG! Back to square one. I just broke NC and answered her manipulative phone call. She tried to be cute calling me a meaning. Asking if I got her messages. I said I wasn't being mean. I told her that maybe I shouldn't have taken the call. Suggested I needed space. She was more than willing to give it to me and she pretty much ended the call. She took back the little leverage I had in all of a few minutes. Now I feel like I'm back at square one. She got what she wanted and I got screwed.

 

This is the worst.

 

Okay. So learn from this man. Seriously. Learn from the pain. She's playing games and you are falling for it.

 

Don't send a note telling her you are going NC. Screw that.

 

Just go NC, it shows a much clearer message.

 

It's up to you now, you can either suck it up and move on and ignore her, or keep going round and round and passing Go without collecting $200.

[paperchase]

it went from bad to worse. after contacting her, I contacted her again. we texted a little. I had been drinking. then we met briefly today. for the first time ever I laid it all out. didn't quite beg but was a salesman. showed her the ring I had bought n everything. she really didn't wanna reminisce. really didn't want to discuss the relationship. expressed a desire to move on with the same false hope of who knows what the future may hold. i didn't wanna let go. she made me.

 

then later i get a txt message saying how her whole day has turned to s_hit and she's upset and flustered. Asking why I turned her day upside down. I explained that I put it on the line and that I see she's not interested so I respect her decision. that I always wanted her to be happy just wish it could've been with me. She responds: "I wanted that for us. But now we're too far gone. I'm so upset and worked up. I just can't see u anymore. It's too much." I replied but now she's gone NC so that's that.

 

Frankly, I didn't know she still cared. I went for broke and she was very distant. She did say a few things. Mostly that my baggage was too much for her at 22. That she tried. That I didn't do enough in the end. But mostly she said she didn't want to give it a second chance. She has really done a good job closing herself off to me. I wish I could be as strong. Anyway, NC it is.

[Melrapuo]

Hey bud,

 

I've been in your position before, and I know what you're going through. She's is being very manipulative, and in the beginning its pretty hard to make yourself stop contacting that person. But here's something you can do to avoid contacting her ever again.

 

When you feel like you wanna contact her, make yourself do something else. Call or text a friend instead. Write down (pen and paper, not text) what you wanna say to her, and store it away. If there are things you wanna say to her, say it out loud (if you're alone) but don't say anything to her. Granted, the third one may make you sound like you're insane if someone is actually around, but its better than falling for her traps.

 

Dude, know that it does get better. I was dumped for someone else, was more than likely cheated on too, by a girl I had dated for almost two years and was considering marrying after college. I haven't talked to her since the end of August. Telling her goodbye has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. BUT right now I've been dating a new girl, who is more mature (at least on a romantic level) than my ex, and I am very happy with her.

 

Things DO get better. And despite what you may or may not want to believe, most (if not all) of the advice towards NC is definitely for your benefit. Good luck to you. : )

 

Don't take her last statement of not wanting to ever contact again for face value. It may have been the truth, or it may have been another trap. Maybe she wanted to gain the upper hand on the situation after realizing that you're initial NC made her kinda chase you. Don't contact her. Ever. Truly respect her decision. It's all you can do, and it is the best you can do for yourself, as tough as it sounds. But things do get much much better. Promise.

[paperchase]

Hey bud,

 

I've been in your position before, and I know what you're going through. She's is being very manipulative, and in the beginning its pretty hard to make yourself stop contacting that person. But here's something you can do to avoid contacting her ever again.

 

When you feel like you wanna contact her, make yourself do something else. Call or text a friend instead. Write down (pen and paper, not text) what you wanna say to her, and store it away. If there are things you wanna say to her, say it out loud (if you're alone) but don't say anything to her. Granted, the third one may make you sound like you're insane if someone is actually around, but its better than falling for her traps.

 

Dude, know that it does get better. I was dumped for someone else, was more than likely cheated on too, by a girl I had dated for almost two years and was considering marrying after college. I haven't talked to her since the end of August. Telling her goodbye has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. BUT right now I've been dating a new girl, who is more mature (at least on a romantic level) than my ex, and I am very happy with her.

 

Things DO get better. And despite what you may or may not want to believe, most (if not all) of the advice towards NC is definitely for your benefit. Good luck to you. : )

 

Don't take her last statement of not wanting to ever contact again for face value. It may have been the truth, or it may have been another trap. Maybe she wanted to gain the upper hand on the situation after realizing that you're initial NC made her kinda chase you. Don't contact her. Ever. Truly respect her decision. It's all you can do, and it is the best you can do for yourself, as tough as it sounds. But things do get much much better. Promise.

 

Thanks. Monday's are the hardest for me because we work 2 blocks from each other and I feel compelled to see her or to just be seen. It's crazy but at work is when I miss her most. A part of me feels like since I was able to penetrate the brick wall around her heart when we met, then some fire still burns in there. That makes me want to chase to rekindle. I see she has shut me out as a defense mechanism and unfortunately I haven't been so good at doing the same. As far as men go, I'm very open and expressive. I'm a communicator. It's so hard for me to go NC and it's so hard for me to understand those who don't accept logic.

 

It took me 9 years to figure that out about my ex wife narcissist. Once I realized that no appeal to logic, however compelling, would resonate with her, I finally was at peace with our breakup. Anyway, I'm just in really bad shape. I want to text my ex gf, I want her to see me (I got a haircut and some new clothes to feel better), I have a spare key to her car that she asked to get today prior to saying she couldn't see me anymore. I want to use it as an excuse, but I won't unless she asks for it again. Man I need help.

 

 

UPDATE -- she just text asking for her key. says she'll come by my job to pick it up after work. any tips for how to behave? by the sound of her texts she'll be pretty distant so I guess I should follow her lead. Texts read:

 

her: "Hey did u bring my key to work w/u?

 

me: "yes"

 

her: "Ok. Well I'm working @ 1130 till 230. So when I get off I'll come get it. Thanks."

 

I didn't respond.