samprez Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 No there is no possibility of me falling for the OM, now or again. I never "fell" for him, I did care about him because at the time he provided me what I thought I needed. But other than that, there was never a "He is the best thing that happened to me, I love him so much." feeling. What I am afraid of is what it could do to my H. He has been through a lot and I just don't want him to feel as though this is never going to end because the OM just couldn't let go. But as an update, I haven't heard from the OM since I posted this. My H left him a very calming voicemail telling him to move on and that if he continues contact that we will have to go to the police and file for harrassment. Ok, different perspective here. The feelings that arise in these relationships are very powerful. Saying "love" and behaving in love are different. Clearly, OM feels that you had a powerful connection and right or wrong, feels as though he got no closure on this. I'm also in a "sudden" NC situation and I am flustered that we didn't have the closing discussion. It makes NC very difficult even though I can see the reasoning and my head is sticking above the clouds right now. All situations are different, but at the core all of us are human somehow despite our collective bad decision making (see this board) we are all being asked to supress and control ourselves at a superhuman level. Sometimes we slip and fall. OM seems to be having similar frustration to me in that there wasn't a mutual ending or lack of control. My MW did say she loved me; often. So it's made my struggle very hard because my mind is having a difficult time sorting out the noise from the reality. Therapy is helping, but I can't spend 24.7 with my doc. My point, I'm well beyond blaming people for their behavior in this. Keep in in mind, we all made incredibly bad decisions during our A's and that expecting all of us to line up and play nice or respectfully isn't realistic. Dealing with situations is important and despite everything I've read on line; most people like to have a conversation. I got texted the NC request, and it's been aggravating. I know everyone has their own perspective on this, but I'm a little understanding of your OM. Unhooking is hard.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I know if he does then I will personally deliver hell to his door as my H and I are working so hard to fix this and to be honest I am in hell As you should be....at least for a little while anyway;) (Dexter is thrilled to hear that;))
Dexter Morgan Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 But as an update, I haven't heard from the OM since I posted this. My H left him a very calming voicemail telling him to move on and that if he continues contact that we will have to go to the police and file for harrassment. I honestly don't know what the police would or could do. Harrassment? This guy has your number because you had an affair with him. Its not like you had nothing to do with him and he stalked you after discovering your number. He has your number because you GAVE it to him. But its good to hear, especially for your H's sake, that the OM may be giving up.
Author kaly6177 Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Ok, different perspective here. The feelings that arise in these relationships are very powerful. Saying "love" and behaving in love are different. Clearly, OM feels that you had a powerful connection and right or wrong, feels as though he got no closure on this. I'm also in a "sudden" NC situation and I am flustered that we didn't have the closing discussion. It makes NC very difficult even though I can see the reasoning and my head is sticking above the clouds right now. All situations are different, but at the core all of us are human somehow despite our collective bad decision making (see this board) we are all being asked to supress and control ourselves at a superhuman level. Sometimes we slip and fall. OM seems to be having similar frustration to me in that there wasn't a mutual ending or lack of control. My MW did say she loved me; often. So it's made my struggle very hard because my mind is having a difficult time sorting out the noise from the reality. Therapy is helping, but I can't spend 24.7 with my doc. My point, I'm well beyond blaming people for their behavior in this. Keep in in mind, we all made incredibly bad decisions during our A's and that expecting all of us to line up and play nice or respectfully isn't realistic. Dealing with situations is important and despite everything I've read on line; most people like to have a conversation. I got texted the NC request, and it's been aggravating. I know everyone has their own perspective on this, but I'm a little understanding of your OM. Unhooking is hard. I didn't just sprung this on the OM when I decided to end the A. I wasn't going to do that to him. Prior to the actual ending I have told him that I can no longer go on with everything, I needed help and I was not stable in my life. I didn't want to string him along as I did not know where I was going to end up and I just needed to make sense of my life. We spoke numerous hours about our relationship, as well as my feelings towards my H. He knew that I still love my H very much and that is the reason I never fully committed myself to the OM. When the day came for me to fully end the relationship, it was a full day of talking. And towards the end of it he also agreed that I needed to fix myself, and try to fix my marriage if my H would give me a chance. He commented that he was very worried about staying in the relationship because he knew my heart wasn't into it. We both agreed to the NC. I don't know what changed for him because I really thought we agreed on the NC.
Author kaly6177 Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 k, I am not questioning your feelings or your honesty. I think it is great that you are working back on your marriage. But it is important to realize that what you had going with OM was not what you wanted long term, not realistic, not practical, not feasible. It is one thing to blindly act on your feelings and it is another thing to lead a life of what you think is right for you, your husband and your kids. I am afraid too many women (may come out as generalizing) think that they found their true love with OM and it came a bit late in their life. They suddenly think that they should not have been married to their spouses to begin with. It is ok if you fell for om or had powerful attraction for om before. I dont think you should deny that. BUT then you were looking for that attraction and you found it. My belief is, if you look for it while still married to someone else, you will almost always find it. Life while dating is way too different from a married life. That thinking has to change.....Your doubts about the marriage. That you are married to the wrong person. I think if you start working on yourself and loving your kids/husband through action or choice, it can be done. May be even infectious. May seem like an impossible task given the powerful feelings you once had for OM and you never felt that while with your husband. Life is more than simple feelings for someone. I say that I never fell for the OM because I really didn't. I have ALWAYS loved my H, I still do. I never doubted the marriage, I doubted myself...A LOT. I doubted myself as a wife, a mother, and as a person. I left because I couldn't believe what I had done to my H and family. Don't get me wrong, I did have feelings for the OM. But I always knew it wasn't going to be something long term, and I knew he wasn't someone that I wanted to marry or spend my life with. I knew this about my husband since our first date. OM and I met in an online community for families of cancer patients/survivors. His sister died of lukemia, and at the time my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I wasn't close to my mother, and when she found out that she had cancer I started regretting not having a better relationship with her and I felt guilty for not trying harder. My H did not understand all the emotions I was feeling because he is very close to his parents. He had also just gotten a promotion from work during this time, so time spent with me was very limited. I really had no close friends as I devoted my life and time to my H and kids, which honestly I never really minded because I loved the time I had with them. So basically I started spending a lot of time online with the OM. Then on the phone. Then eventually met up for lunches. The "wake up" point for me was a weekend when my H decided he wanted to spend time with me and I said I was busy with a friend and left to go meet up with OM for lunch. I knew then that I had a problem. Once the conversation with the OM turned into something more than just conversing about our experiences with cancer, and became more about how we enjoyed each other's company, I knew I had to tell my H. And I did.
jwi71 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Go straight to the police, hopefully your department has a cybercrimes unit. Inform them of your harassment. Show them the emails. Show them the phone calls (call logs from phone bill showing his number). Tell them you want this stop and he refuses. They will guide you. You'd be surprised how effective a pair of detectives can be at saying "if you contact her again, you can spend the night in jail and face criminal charges." Especially if they show up at his workplace. (and its ok to be nasty here...you need this to end...).
jnj express Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 You are doing things the right way----NC, Ignore, change #'s. Do not fall for the OM attempts to get you back. What he actually is, whether you want to hear it or not is a Lowlife Scumbag, who preys on married women. Because only lowlife scumbags would KNOWINGLY GO IN AND TRY TO BREAK UP A HAPPY FAMILY. As to meeting him in the park with your H. present NO WAY, should any violence occur, your H. could end up in jail, and you both in a lawsuit. Just continue total NC, and complete transparency.
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