kaly6177 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 As my other posting stated, my husband and I are currently working on our marriage after my infidelity. We are still living separately while I am working through my problems with my therapist, but we do see each other often and spend time as family with our children. Things have been good actually. Not great yet, but I am not expecting or asking for more from my husband as I know he needs all the time in the world to heal. My mother-in-law is in town this week and last night she kept my kids with her. Hubby showed up at my work yesterday afternoon and picked me up to have dinner with him. It was a surprise, he was supposed to be with his mom. Needless to say we had a great dinner, just talked about our days and just laughed together, which we haven't done in so long He asked me to go back home with him so we can hang out and watch a movie. I asked him if he was sure, he said yes very sure. I kept asking during our ride home if he was sure about all of it, and he kept saying yes and finally said to stop asking him and laughed. We watched the movie, talked for a couple of hours after, did what we haven't done in a very long time, and fell asleep together. This morning when I woke up, he was smiling at me. A smile I so miss very much. He drove me to my place and we hugged and kissed goodbye. I received a text from him as I was walking into my apartment saying he'll miss me today. It was good, he was smiling again. That is all that mattered to me. On my way to work this morning my phone rings and it was a private number. I do not like answering private numbers, but this morning I was in a happy mood and answered the phone. It was the OM I had an affair with As soon as he told me who it was I hung up the phone. A couple of minutes later, I received a long text saying he would like to see me and talk to me about things. He misses me and really need me in his life. I haven't talk or seen this man in almost 3 months. Before anyone ask why I haven't changed my phone number...the reason being is because I use my phone for business. It is my personal account/phone, but because I work for a very small company (13 employees) my manager just gives me a monthly allowance on my phone so she won't have to open and purchase a new phone for me. But after this morning, I spoke to her and told her that I need to change my number and will need to contact all of my clients to give my number to them. In which I did change the number as soon as she agreed. The purpose of this thread? Well, I am just at a lost here. I am trying to get better and move on to fix the chaos that I created. The last time I spoke to the OM, I explained EVERYTHING to him. I have no desire to return back to the OM, or to even speak to him. I guess the reason I am feeling this is because I don't understand why he would come back around after I have told him to never contact me again. I told my husband what happened and he didn't get upset, he just told me that he is glad I didn't continue the conversation and I changed my number. Is this a normal thing that OM/OW do after an affair is ended by the other people and not them? Do they continue to pursue even after they have been told, begged to stop contact? I know it is my fault that I am in this situation, and I take full responsibility for everything that is happening now. I guess I just thought that perhaps once I walked away from my last meeting with the OM that it was over. Am I wrong? Am I going to have to keep dealing with him pushing to talk to me? I don't want to hurt my husband anymore and I know even though he took the incident lightly this morning, that he is troubled by it and is hurting again. What else can I do or say to the OM to make him understand it is OVER...for good?
lostsoulmate Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 You say... No more ME for YOU! STOP CONTACTING ME!
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 You say NOTHING. Ignore him. He isn't thinking of you at all, he's only thinking of himself. You explained your reasons of why the A had to end and why you needed to go NC. So, he waited 3 months until HE figured things had calmed down enough - And reached out to you. To feel things out.. You don't owe him ANY explanation. Next time he contacts you, let him know that IF he chooses to harrass/call/email/text you, you'll be contacting the police and getting an restraining order against him. THAT ought to stop him in his tracks.. Please tell your husband about this. Let him listen to the text message.. It may piss him off and hurt him, but by coming clean about this recent contact by the OM, it will show your husband that you are being honest and upfront, no secrets and no hiding anything.
jwi71 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Oh that's easy. He contacted you because you are an easy lay from his perspective. All he has to do is call, say the right things and buy some condoms. It has worked TWICE before so don't blame him for trying yet again. How do you convince him that you mean it this time...by meaning it this time. Changing your phone number is perfect, simple and effective. However, I bet he STILL doesn't get the hint. So tell his W or GF should he have one. Then tell your H. And tell him you changed your cell because of it. Ask your H for advice on how to prevent him from contacting you...I think it can be very beneficial for you two...
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Am I going to have to keep dealing with him pushing to talk to me? I don't want to hurt my husband anymore and I know even though he took the incident lightly this morning, that he is troubled by it and is hurting again. What else can I do or say to the OM to make him understand it is OVER...for good? Here is what I'd do, make sure your husband agrees to do it. If the other man persists, agree to meet him somewhere. you get there early, and when the OM gets there.....he should find you AND your husband sitting there waiting for him. Tell the OM, "anything you have to say to me, you can say to my husband" And let your husband do alot of the talking.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Here is what I'd do, make sure your husband agrees to do it. If the other man persists, agree to meet him somewhere. you get there early, and when the OM gets there.....he should find you AND your husband sitting there waiting for him. Tell the OM, "anything you have to say to me, you can say to my husband" And let your husband do alot of the talking. Thank you for this advice Dexter (btw, I love this show). I do have 1 question though... You have been in my husband's shoes before and know the amount of hurt that he is/has been going through. How much hurt will my husband feel when he confront the OM? I mean I don't want my husband to be pushed over the edge as I know he is close because of what I did. Though he is not the type to hurt himself physically or anyone, I am still worried about his mental being. This is however a good idea, and I am text messaging my husband as I type this. OM has sent me 4 emails this morning and my husband has read all of them. This is so horrible for my husband, especially after the time we spent last night
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Thank you for this advice Dexter (btw, I love this show). I do have 1 question though... You have been in my husband's shoes before and know the amount of hurt that he is/has been going through. How much hurt will my husband feel when he confront the OM? I can't speak completely for him, but can generalize. I think anger would be the most likely emotion he will be feeling. Not at you, although maybe a tad, but at the OM for continuing to pry into your lives. If this was still fresh and he hasn't been given time to calm down about your affair, I'd say it would hurt like hell. But this just may be the best way to nip this in the bud with the OM trying to meet you. I mean I don't want my husband to be pushed over the edge as I know he is close because of what I did. Though he is not the type to hurt himself physically or anyone, I am still worried about his mental being. Well you may have to worry about your husband jumping across the table and giving this guy a well deserved heal palm to the nose, but aside from changing your cell phone #, I don't see what can make this guy stop if he is really persistent. If he thinks that everytime you meet him that there is a good chance that your husband will be there....he'll stop. Unless the guy is a total psychopath. Again, as far as your H meeting the OM and if it will bring up hurt to him or not....thats why I said your H has to agree. If he is uncomfortable with it, he will tell you. And just for the record, if you know me, I usually rip the hell out of someone that has an affair, and wouldn't put up with someone cheating, whether they were truly remorseful and wanted to work on the relationship or not. But you're husband has given you a 2nd chance and you are doing the 2nd chance justice. But if you were to have said that part of you wants to see the other man, or something like that.....I'd have been on your ass like Michael Jackson on a 10 year old.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 But if you were to have said that part of you wants to see the other man, or something like that.....I'd have been on your ass like Michael Jackson on a 10 year old. No I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to see or talk to the OM. The only time I ever really think about him is while talking to my therapist and they are not good thoughts. My husband is thinking about your suggestion, but I can tell by his voice he is hesitant and more than likely thinking I am just wanting to see this man. I don't blame him at all for thinking this.
2sure Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I had no problem convincing H's other women that contacting him again would have very bad results for THEM. And they never did. Is your OM married or otherwise attached? I simply told them that we were prepared to tell thier SO ALL. You have to put it on his doorstep.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I had no problem convincing H's other women that contacting him again would have very bad results for THEM. And they never did. Is your OM married or otherwise attached? I simply told them that we were prepared to tell thier SO ALL. You have to put it on his doorstep. He is not married, he was divorced when I met him. I am not sure if he is dating anyone as I have not kept up with him since I last saw him, 3 months ago.
stampdaddy Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Hi, first let me state that I was an OM, so there is probably a little light I can shed on the subject for you.. What did the emails say? Not word for word, but enough to give me a hint... I will then respond to a few "maybes", and no, it's not about getting into your pants.... Also, how long was the affair? EA/PA?
65tr6 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 but I can tell by his voice he is hesitant and more than likely thinking I am just wanting to see this man. I don't blame him at all for thinking this. I am with your husband. I would not want to waste my time even thinking about pos OM - let alone meeting him. Next time OM calls, stay calm and tell him that you have come completely clean with your husband and that he knows about every attempt being made by the OM to contact you. And make sure you tell your husband every time OM tries to contact you.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Hi, first let me state that I was an OM, so there is probably a little light I can shed on the subject for you.. What did the emails say? Not word for word, but enough to give me a hint... I will then respond to a few "maybes", and no, it's not about getting into your pants.... Also, how long was the affair? EA/PA? It started out as an EA, which lasted about 4 months. Then it turned into a PA, and lasted for a total of 8 months. The emails basically said that he misses me and need me in his life even as just friends. Told me that he did everything he could to make me happy and give me everything I wanted and needed. He kept repeating about how he loved me and did everything he could to make sure I was taken care of. The last email was very angry. Saying how I always treated my husband better than him. That he tried very much to compete for my affection but never truly gave him 100% and he hated that I still love my husband even during our relationship. Said he would've been a better husband and father to my children if I were to give him another chance.
stampdaddy Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 It started out as an EA, which lasted about 4 months. Then it turned into a PA, and lasted for a total of 8 months. The emails basically said that he misses me and need me in his life even as just friends. Told me that he did everything he could to make me happy and give me everything I wanted and needed. He kept repeating about how he loved me and did everything he could to make sure I was taken care of. The last email was very angry. Saying how I always treated my husband better than him. That he tried very much to compete for my affection but never truly gave him 100% and he hated that I still love my husband even during our relationship. Said he would've been a better husband and father to my children if I were to give him another chance. OK, thanks.. One quick question: Did you ever tell him that you loved him? as far as the rest of it goes, it is hard for anybody to start "building" a relationship, falling in love with someone else, being "told" things that you were telling him, sharing feelings and emotions that you were showing him, and then BAM! Gone in a snap! Because you got busted? (is that right?) and then you are gone.... He is left there holding it all in his lap while he watches you scamper back to your husband. It is VERY hard to go through that, and all he sees is that life is back to normal for you (which it isnt) and he is left to pick up all of the pieces of this shattered relationship. **NOTE: I am just trying to paint a perspective of what he is probably feeling and now he is acting on those feelings. It doesnt make it right at all and I am proud of you for what you are doing. The OM should not matter in this situation, although, he is the only one that feels like he should. The emails about your children cross the line, and your H should take offense to this and you BETTER be honest with him about where those kind of thoughts could be coming from. Did you and OM share these "dreams" together?? If so, your H deserves to know that and it would also help protect OM from a H gone wild, if you know what I am saying....
Author kaly6177 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 OK, thanks.. One quick question: Did you ever tell him that you loved him? as far as the rest of it goes, it is hard for anybody to start "building" a relationship, falling in love with someone else, being "told" things that you were telling him, sharing feelings and emotions that you were showing him, and then BAM! Gone in a snap! Because you got busted? (is that right?) and then you are gone.... He is left there holding it all in his lap while he watches you scamper back to your husband. It is VERY hard to go through that, and all he sees is that life is back to normal for you (which it isnt) and he is left to pick up all of the pieces of this shattered relationship. **NOTE: I am just trying to paint a perspective of what he is probably feeling and now he is acting on those feelings. It doesnt make it right at all and I am proud of you for what you are doing. The OM should not matter in this situation, although, he is the only one that feels like he should. The emails about your children cross the line, and your H should take offense to this and you BETTER be honest with him about where those kind of thoughts could be coming from. Did you and OM share these "dreams" together?? If so, your H deserves to know that and it would also help protect OM from a H gone wild, if you know what I am saying.... No I was careful not to tell him I love him. I always tell him that I care about him a lot and do not want him hurt. No I did not get busted, I told my husband about the affair. After I told my husband he asked me to stop. I didn't, so I left because I felt very guilty that I was doing that to my husband and knew I wasn't going to stop. As for the children part, OM wanted to have children with me. Even though I repeatedly told him I am done as my husband I only wanted 2 children. As for dreams with OM, I wasn't even sure that I wanted to stay in that relationship. I questioned myself a lot about keeping a relationship because I failed my marriage. Even though it hurts my husband to hear the things I did with OM, I tell him what he wants to know. I don't just blurt them out as I know there are times when he doesn't even want to think about what I did. But when he asks me questions, I tell him and tell him that it may hurt him to hear it.
cherrymoon Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Hi, this situation really sucks because you were moving on, you had got to a type of normality with your husband and then this happens. first thing that comes to my mind is his timing, any chance he saw you with your husband. I moved back in with my H and within a matter of days he was asking me to chat on msn. I blocked him, I had already changed my number. He had been told never to contact me again. I asked him nicely and all I got was abuse. then I get the i am so sorry message. A month after explaining to him that under no circumstances was he to talk to me I get a happy birthday text. New number straight away. I feel it though, I know he is biding his time. I know if he does then I will personally deliver hell to his door as my H and I are working so hard to fix this and to be honest I am in hell (Dexter is thrilled to hear that;)) Anyway sorry back to you. I am on a bit of a me me week (feeling low in my boots) I was on here asking for ideas and I wanted to do something as I was angry that he was still trying after a year to contact me. I eventually did nothing. I advise you to do the same. Block him and never look back. Otherwise ask your husband to phone him and tell him to stay away. Good luck. shame we were stupid enough to bring these fools into our lives.
stampdaddy Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 No I was careful not to tell him I love him. I always tell him that I care about him a lot and do not want him hurt. No I did not get busted, I told my husband about the affair. After I told my husband he asked me to stop. I didn't, so I left because I felt very guilty that I was doing that to my husband and knew I wasn't going to stop. As for the children part, OM wanted to have children with me. Even though I repeatedly told him I am done as my husband I only wanted 2 children. As for dreams with OM, I wasn't even sure that I wanted to stay in that relationship. I questioned myself a lot about keeping a relationship because I failed my marriage. Even though it hurts my husband to hear the things I did with OM, I tell him what he wants to know. I don't just blurt them out as I know there are times when he doesn't even want to think about what I did. But when he asks me questions, I tell him and tell him that it may hurt him to hear it. OK... well, I think you are doing the right things in regards to OM.. It WILL hurt him, but he WILL get the picture and move on. He too will go through his "emotional checklist", but that too will be done with. I know I always thought regarding my MW, "how in the heck could theu stay married" and just waited too, and it sounds like that is what your OM has done, but now is thinking that it should have changed by now, cause remember, he is in the complete dark now.. I think that if you and your husband put a carefully constructed email together asking for respect to allow your marriage to heal and take whatever road it takes, but it is time for this affair to end completely, this would be the best way to handle this. He at least should be able to "honor" that request and head down his own road a little easier. a song I like says, "It's easier to leave than to be left behind...."
confusedinkansas Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 kaly6177: It would seem you are taking all the right steps to not get involved with this man again. Don't fall for his tactics. Stay focused on what you want for the rest of your life. I say all of this because I fell back into the trap of the OM. After I had made the decision to not. He was just very pursuasive & lonely & I felt sorry for him. DON'T let this happen to you. The pain that you feel now will be 4 times as much if you go back to him & this happens again. STAY TOUGH GIRL!!!!! Stick to your plan.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 My husband is thinking about your suggestion, but I can tell by his voice he is hesitant and more than likely thinking I am just wanting to see this man. I don't blame him at all for thinking this. Oh I don't blame him for being hesitant too. If it were me, my initial thought to this would be "hell ya I'll be there....with balls on!!!" But then actually seeing the guy my SO supposedly shagged might make me want to do something I shouldn't and may even set me back a bit in the reconciliation process(but then again, I wouldn't reconcile...thats just me) But what else you going to do if the guy never leaves you alone?
Author kaly6177 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 But what else you going to do if the guy never leaves you alone? So far I have changed my phone number and blocked his email addresses from my personal email account, but it is very easy to create another public email so I am waiting for that to happen. I talked to my husband about getting a restraining order if it doesn't stop by tomorrow. He said that is fine as long as we can get a permanent and not a temporary one. I spoke to a friend who is an ex-cop to make sure I have basis in getting a restraining order and he said I do. So that is my next course of action if the OM doesn't get the point that I don't want any contact. So far no more emails. And I took down my Facebook account just in case he tries to message me there as well.
ForumFool Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I was just going to suggest a restraining order but you beat me to it.....WTG I a proud of you ..YOU are someone who is trying and in my eyes that means a lot..even if you get a temp one...you can get another if need be.....the dude will get lost
wicar Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Here is what I'd do, make sure your husband agrees to do it. If the other man persists, agree to meet him somewhere. you get there early, and when the OM gets there.....he should find you AND your husband sitting there waiting for him. Tell the OM, "anything you have to say to me, you can say to my husband" And let your husband do alot of the talking. Great Idea.....!!!!!
lostsunsets Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 For one thing. You have an incredible husband. I know if my wife talked to a OM after NC whether it was her fault or not, I would be triggering all over the place. The thing that troubles me here, is that you sound afraid that you may fall for him again. Its just something about the desperation in your posts. Is that a possibility? If it is. Don't even think about reconciling with your husband while you feel that way.
Author kaly6177 Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 For one thing. You have an incredible husband. I know if my wife talked to a OM after NC whether it was her fault or not, I would be triggering all over the place. The thing that troubles me here, is that you sound afraid that you may fall for him again. Its just something about the desperation in your posts. Is that a possibility? If it is. Don't even think about reconciling with your husband while you feel that way. No there is no possibility of me falling for the OM, now or again. I never "fell" for him, I did care about him because at the time he provided me what I thought I needed. But other than that, there was never a "He is the best thing that happened to me, I love him so much." feeling. What I am afraid of is what it could do to my H. He has been through a lot and I just don't want him to feel as though this is never going to end because the OM just couldn't let go. But as an update, I haven't heard from the OM since I posted this. My H left him a very calming voicemail telling him to move on and that if he continues contact that we will have to go to the police and file for harrassment.
65tr6 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 No there is no possibility of me falling for the OM, now or again. I never "fell" for him, I did care about him because at the time he provided me what I thought I needed. But other than that, there was never a "He is the best thing that happened to me, I love him so much." feeling. k, I am not questioning your feelings or your honesty. I think it is great that you are working back on your marriage. But it is important to realize that what you had going with OM was not what you wanted long term, not realistic, not practical, not feasible. It is one thing to blindly act on your feelings and it is another thing to lead a life of what you think is right for you, your husband and your kids. I am afraid too many women (may come out as generalizing) think that they found their true love with OM and it came a bit late in their life. They suddenly think that they should not have been married to their spouses to begin with. It is ok if you fell for om or had powerful attraction for om before. I dont think you should deny that. BUT then you were looking for that attraction and you found it. My belief is, if you look for it while still married to someone else, you will almost always find it. Life while dating is way too different from a married life. That thinking has to change.....Your doubts about the marriage. That you are married to the wrong person. I think if you start working on yourself and loving your kids/husband through action or choice, it can be done. May be even infectious. May seem like an impossible task given the powerful feelings you once had for OM and you never felt that while with your husband. Life is more than simple feelings for someone.
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