ducknrun Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Title says it all. Basically without getting into much detail I caught my fiancé cheating on me about a month ago. I found out that it was going on for about 2 months. We have been together for almost 4 years and almost 2 of those years we have been engaged. We also have a son together. (I can post more details if needed) Either way the end result is that I have found a way to forgive her and for us to work it out. She has broken off seeing the other guy (which surprisingly took some pushing effort from my side) but really hasn't stopped talking with him. That’s not the issue; because that is the way she has always been with everyone... letting them down easy. I guess when I found out that she cheated and if I was willing to work things out the she would come running back to me and asking for me to forgive her and immediately stop talking with the other guy. Sadly none of that really happened. Were slowly getting things out in the open. I guess what I can't decide on is if this relationship is salvageable. It seems that all she wants is to continue hanging out with friends and doing her own thing. In a way I already feel as though were two different people and the connection we had that I’m trying to fight for isn't there anymore. The other thing I wanted to know was if I should let her go on a trip out of state with a friend? I know she’s always wanted to do something like this but the timing couldn't be worse. She would be gone for the whole weekend and I told her that I won’t stop her because I wouldn't ever want to be the reason she didn't complete some life dream but I would hope she would realize our situation and stay. Open to all criticism.
SophieA Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Ohhh my, I am so sorry this happened to you! *hugs* I had a boyfriend in the past (we were together 2 years) who cheated on me. I learned a few very important lessons from it: 1. You can't make anyone love you. 2. You can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do. 3. You can't make anyone stay faithful to you. 4. Cheating, in my opinion, is an absolute deal breaker b/c you can't have a healthy relationship without trust. There is no reason to cheat. If she was unhappy, she should have gotten out of the relationship. Period. End of story. You deserve a happy, healthy, trusting relationship...and you won't ever be able to have one with her.
Charles1978 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 OK so she is still talking to this guy because she "lets people down easy"? That's BS! She didn't let YOU down easy! This girl has issues. I can't really give you much advice on whether to drop her or not because you have a kid with her. But she needs to stop all contact with this guy. What a horrible situation.
lkjh Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 You would have to be a huge idiot to marry her. She cheated and she not remorseful. She should be begging you to take her back. Instead you have let her off. She still has all of her social time and her OM. You would have to have zero self-respect to put up with this.
Author ducknrun Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I am starting to accept that fact that maybe we won’t work out, because I constantly have to make sure I don’t call here to check up on here. I want to try and trust her again but she has broken my trust before when I caught here exchanging texts with the same guy she later cheated with me on. I thought I had it handled but apparently not. I just don’t get why she ever did it (not that I will). I new we had both changed but for someone in her place I thought would be happy. She moved in with me and just went to school and did house stuff which I told her was fine because I know how hard it is. I would go to school and work full time because my salary was enough to keep us. I let her use one of parent’s cars that was being used. I guess with all this I didn’t see any problems on the surface.
Author ducknrun Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 OK so she is still talking to this guy because she "lets people down easy"? That's BS! She didn't let YOU down easy! This girl has issues. I can't really give you much advice on whether to drop her or not because you have a kid with her. But she needs to stop all contact with this guy. What a horrible situation. [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I think that my son is really the reason I just haven't said enough is enough and kicked her out. My cousin didn't turn out to well with his parents being divorced and after his dad died he really changed as a kid growing up.[/FONT][/COLOR]
Trialbyfire Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 The other thing I wanted to know was if I should let her go on a trip out of state with a friend? Ask yourself what being her warden is doing to you and your ability to trust in general. Is this what you want to live with, for the rest of your life? Do you really want to marry someone who can't keep it in her pants?
Author ducknrun Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Your right about that. It takes a toll always wondering. I don't even know if why she is doing this trip is the really reason behind it or just another lie. Plus my parents are puching me to just dump her and that pressure isn't fun to deal with either.
Author ducknrun Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 You would have to have zero self-respect to put up with this. I hope thats not my issue but I know I have a hard time with change. This has been what I have known for the last 3 years and I was happy. I live by the saying "that there is always something better out there, but you have to settle at some point or you will never be happy" Really the problem is I have started to look but am afraid to get hurt (i know its apart of life) and my son in the picture adds to the stress
Trialbyfire Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 How important are trust and respect to you? Look at it as a two-way street. Do you suppose she felt respect for you when she cheated? Does she respect you now, for taking her back without any remorse? Do you respect and trust her, knowing she cheated?
Author ducknrun Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 How important are trust and respect to you? Trust is what I live by in a relationship and ours has always been shaky from the start. Respect for one another is also just as important. I think she’s madder at me that I didn't explode on her and was willing to talk and work things through. I guess it’s always been easy to point the finger at someone else, but since we talked I realize she wasn't happy. Now I’m not saying by any means that it justifies what she did but I understand she didn't get bored and decide to do it. I do admit I have less respect for her because of what she did and the trust is almost gone because she I never saw this coming from her, from someone who’s parents just did the same thing.
Trialbyfire Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I guess it’s always been easy to point the finger at someone else, but since we talked I realize she wasn't happy. So what happens the next time she's unhappy? Do you feel she's capable of looking for external validation aka cheating again, instead of discussing her unhappiness with you?
Author ducknrun Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 With what she did over the last couple of months she is capable of anything. She lied to her parents, when she was asking them to watch our son so she could go out and cheat on me. She lied to her friends and she lied to her brother and sister-in-law which has hurt their overall relationship. It also bothers me about the guy that she was with knew she was engaged, had son, AKA taken?! I also said that if we were to work things out and that later she felt like she wasn't happy to just leave and not cheat, but I don't wanna wait and find out. To answer your reply is that I think she is capable of doing it. I'm not here first relationship I’m actually the third and also the third partner and now 4. On the other hand she was my first everything. I always had a strong belief to wait but after being with her for some time I went ahead and had sex. The funny thing is she was always pressuring me into having sex but I didn't want things to change between us. I was happy where I was.
troubadour Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I will never have any kind of normal relationship with this woman... this is just the way she is. She is the type who always puts herself first and it is not going to change. Are you sure that it was her first time? Based on what you have written it appears that when she feels like having her cake... nothing else matters. She looks at you as someone who is a father of her child and who provides stability... her safety net. But when she wants some "passion"... she looks for it somewhere else... like out of state for instance.
Author ducknrun Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 She looks at you as someone who is a father of her child and who provides stability... her safety net. But when she wants some "passion"... she looks for it somewhere else... like out of state for instance. I completely agree with the first part. I feel that’s maybe what’s keeping her around. As far as she said it wasn't "passion" the was missing it was that touchy feely stuff that happiness in the beginning of a relationship. She’s the kind of girl that needs a lot of reassurance on how looks and how good she looks in her cloths. I wouldn't say she puts herself first. I would rather say she does what she wants with no true regards to anyone else. In other word impulsive. She does what ever crosses her mind. Just last night she need to go over to a friends house around 9pm to help them out with their relationship issues and was only going to be gone for 30 min she didn't come back for 2 hours. I know she was with her friend, but I was left alone with our son who didn't want anything to do with me and a web assignment due by midnight.
Trialbyfire Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 As far as she said it wasn't "passion" the was missing it was that touchy feely stuff that happiness in the beginning of a relationship. She’s the kind of girl that needs a lot of reassurance on how looks and how good she looks in her cloths.She needs A LOT of external validation. Are you up for this, for the rest of your life? I wouldn't say she puts herself first. I would rather say she does what she wants with no true regards to anyone else. In other word impulsive. She does what ever crosses her mind. Just last night she need to go over to a friends house around 9pm to help them out with their relationship issues and was only going to be gone for 30 min she didn't come back for 2 hours. I know she was with her friend, but I was left alone with our son who didn't want anything to do with me and a web assignment due by midnight. Okay, now you're thinking solely about yourself. She's helping a friend with relationship issues. Does she get to go out by herself very often, say once a week?
Author ducknrun Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 She needs A LOT of external validation. Are you up for this, for the rest of your life? Okay, now you're thinking solely about yourself. She's helping a friend with relationship issues. Does she get to go out by herself very often, say once a week? The occasional "hey sexy" or "whistle". That stuff was non existent practically. I would hope she would start to have self-confidence grow if we were to stay together. Well M-F I go off to school in the morning and right after school I go to work and come home in the evening to spend as much time with the family, before I need to start my homework. She on the other hand who dropped her classes and we only got 25% back of what we paid get to drop off our son at daycare and needs to pick him up by 5pm. The time in the middle is her time, but also to clean the house if needed and that’s all. M-F I am sure she can find enough time to spend with her friends.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 You answered your own questions. Kick her out. Take the car back. She doesn't have a job, so she can't have your son. If necessary move back with your mom and dad.
Author ducknrun Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 I take it the most people say you should leave the person that cheats on you, but the few that stay did it work out? Or was it just wasted time? And how did you go about getting things to work?
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 DO NOT GET MARRIED!! this woman already cheated on you and you have a kid together and that still aint stop her. She's impulsive, selfish and doesnt care about you. All you are is a warm body that she is using to get what she wants. Most likely if she do it once she'll do it again, later on down the line. I'm sorry if that's what you dont want to hear but I've been on this site for years and i can tell you it'll happen the exact same way. It always does unless she get's counciling with you to make things better she will be prone to betray you putting her needs and desires before your own! Is that the kind of woman you want to marry??? Leave!
Author ducknrun Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Is that the kind of woman you want to marry??? No of course this isn't the woman I would want to marry but who she was before all this happened was. Even with all the things in the equation (engaged and child) it wasn't enough, but I did ask her if we were married already if she would have done it, she said "no". I felt as though we were already married without the paper living together and being on our own. Being that she is my first it makes everything a lot more difficult to do. I know if I leave she will be upset and regardless of what she did to me... it is still hard for me to hurt her. I'm not a doormat or a push over I just never want to hurt people around me (I know people get hurt). I just never expected this to happen to me and I don’t know how to deal with it.
Trialbyfire Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 No of course this isn't the woman I would want to marry but who she was before all this happened was. Even with all the things in the equation (engaged and child) it wasn't enough, but I did ask her if we were married already if she would have done it, she said "no". I felt as though we were already married without the paper living together and being on our own. Being that she is my first it makes everything a lot more difficult to do. I know if I leave she will be upset and regardless of what she did to me... it is still hard for me to hurt her. I'm not a doormat or a push over I just never want to hurt people around me (I know people get hurt). I just never expected this to happen to me and I don’t know how to deal with it. Look ducknrun, you're either going to continue with this girl or not. Her above response cannot be taken seriously, considering her previous lying and cheating. In responding as such, it puts the onus on you, to create a safe harbour for her to "do her thing in". My advice is to get out before she rips your heart out again, in an even more permanent arrangement like marriage. Once a cheater, always a cheater, no matter what kind of rhetoric they give you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 It doesnt matter if she was your first, look at how she's treating you. no self respecting man shold tolerate this amount of BS!!! she is not wife material? is the wedding still on? What you probably saw was a mask and this is her true face, she thinks your so whipped that you wont assert yourself that your gonna stay? Is that what you are a doormat? Is this a good thing to teach your son? In this day and age, if you get pregnant and raise a kid, if that woman isnt cut out for a real commitment, then dont marry her!!! Dont let no one twist your arm to do right by her especially if she AINT doing right by you!!! Do you understand? This woman is not mature enough to be your wife and please understand this is not going to end well. She's your first but believe me she wont be your lastt. She'll repeat her cheating ways until you get fed up with it! mark my words.
Author ducknrun Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 My advice is to get out before she rips your heart out again, in an even more permanent arrangement like marriage. Once a cheater, always a cheater, no matter what kind of rhetoric they give you. There's nothing to argue there, my parents having been waiting for me to dump her. I guess my biggest fear is for our son. I grew up with both parents and I would never want to have it any other way. I also wouldn't want that for my son. I know you can't force someone to change and I know it makes no sense for us to be together if we are not happy.
Author ducknrun Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 It doesnt matter if she was your first, look at how she's treating you. no self respecting man shold tolerate this amount of BS!!! she is not wife material? is the wedding still on? What you probably saw was a mask and this is her true face, she thinks your so whipped that you wont assert yourself that your gonna stay? Is that what you are a doormat? Is this a good thing to teach your son? In this day and age, if you get pregnant and raise a kid, if that woman isnt cut out for a real commitment, then dont marry her!!! Dont let no one twist your arm to do right by her especially if she AINT doing right by you!!! Do you understand? This woman is not mature enough to be your wife and please understand this is not going to end well. She's your first but believe me she wont be your lastt. She'll repeat her cheating ways until you get fed up with it! mark my words. I was planning to marry her the summer after we had our baby and move in with me. Then we had set if up for Dec of this year. Yes I do unferstand. I guess it was easy to get with her, being that we were co-workers. I wasn't an out going guy and I don't think any of that has changed. IN the end I wish sometimes that either she went with the other guy or that she just didn't want to come back... I think that would have been easier to deal with and having to be the one to do it.
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