lookingforsomething Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 For some reason, I am always the OW! I have the MM Magnet. I went through a really bad breakup with a MM and had the W stalk me. It was a really awful situation and it took me a long time to realize that the MM was just a liar and didn't deserve either of us. Fast forward a couple of years... I became involved with a guy who has a GF. I should have known better! At the time they were only "dating" and by the way he treated her he obviously didn't care about her. We started seeing eachother more and finally we slept together. We talked about his girlfriend and he said he didn't love her and was going to break it off with her, that was in 2006. Here we are in 2009 and he still has not broken up with her! She is 38 he is 27. She wants him to move in and get married and have a baby and he says that is just not an option. He does what he wants and doesn't have an issue treating her like she doesn't matter. We are all members of the same group so I see this first hand. Him and I have gotten in MANY fights about him leaving her and how it is unfair to me. He claims he will break it off but he feels bad because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. WTF! Anyway, I don't know what to do. I have tried so hard to quit him. I love him and I feel like we are the perfect match. He even agrees, so why won't he leave this older woman?? She doesn't have money so I know it's not that, and she is DEFINITELY NOT a cougar, hell she doesn't even shave... Gross! I just keep coming back for more. Sometimes I just want to tell her but in the long run that will cause me more trouble. I need to walk away, but it's so hard. Why won't he leave her and be happy with me?
Geishawhelk Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Why should he?! He's got two beds to visit, and two women besotted with him! More's to the point, why have you got such dreadful self-control? if you don't want to be an OM - don't be one. Is someone forcing you into these tangles? Holding a gun to your head? Then use some will-power and don't do it.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 You have an active choice in how your life goes and who you see/date/sleep with. Let's say you meet a guy that has a wife or a girlfriend - WALK AWAY immediately. Don't fall for any line of "i'm separated, I'm about to be divorced...We're not getting along, blah blah blah" I'm sure you know the lines by now. This guy you're interested in has an active choice too - To stay and cheat on his girlfriend or break it off with her and be with you. So far it seems he's choosing to stay and cheat on her with you.. YOUR CHOICE to stay or go. If you stay, put up with being the OW, accept your role in his life so he can have the best of both worlds.. OR, grow a pair, tell him goodbye and move on.
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 OP, any thoughts as to why you seem to be attracted to unavailable men? Think about all the men you encounter in a day. Do you think it's coincidence that you pick unavailable ones? What about the single ones who approach you (I know they do)? The answers lie within you
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 It was a really awful situation and it took me a long time to realize that the MM was just a liar and didn't deserve either of us. A MM that cheats on his wife? You should know from the very beginning that they are liars. Fast forward a couple of years... I became involved with a guy who has a GF. I should have known better! At the time they were only "dating" and by the way he treated her he obviously didn't care about her. We started seeing eachother more and finally we slept together. We talked about his girlfriend and he said he didn't love her and was going to break it off with her, that was in 2006. Here we are in 2009 and he still has not broken up with her! She is 38 he is 27. She wants him to move in and get married and have a baby and he says that is just not an option. He does what he wants and doesn't have an issue treating her like she doesn't matter. We are all members of the same group so I see this first hand. Him and I have gotten in MANY fights about him leaving her and how it is unfair to me. He claims he will break it off but he feels bad because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. WTF! Anyway, I don't know what to do. I have tried so hard to quit him. I love him and I feel like we are the perfect match. Well thats the norm of it these days. Jerk, cheating, playing men can have their way with women. I hear all the time about how men are dogs, yet its these type of men women go for. its kind of like I have to roll my eyes when a woman starts complaining about how they can't find a good man. I need to walk away, but it's so hard. Why won't he leave her and be happy with me? Ask yourself, do you really think you can be happy with him........when he ends up cheating on you too? he is a dog, a liar, a scumbag......why would you want that? Because he looks good? Maybe you need to see him for what he really is before you wake up and realize he is no good for you. But if you really think he is all that, then tell his girlfriend you have been sleeping with him. That will get the ball rolling. and if he gets mad that you ratted him out, then maybe you'll finally realize what a jerk you have been pining over.
Reggie Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Perhaps he does not want a relationship with you, other than the affair, because he can see how messed up you are, like him. What would life be like with two people that are cheaters in a relationship? Although it is hypocritical of him, he realizes that you are not relationship material(nor is he). But, this is really simple. He cannot trust you or respect you based on your history and current willingness to cheat.
Lucky_One Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I always find it sad when a woman feels that she is competition for another woman for a man's affection. I think it would really mess with my mind to be put up against a woman who is older, uglier, hairier, and poorer - and I still was alone. I think in this case I would quit examining their relationship, and examine your own relationship.
LostLamb Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Wow. He is living the "dream". He has an older doting woman who wants to settle down with him and you-the younger woman for just sex. You say you are perfect for each other yet you have been sharing him for THREE years. That doesn't look like a perfect match to me. I also think you are attracted to trouble if your last 2 "relationships" have been with men who are already with others. It is hard leaving someone you are in love with, but do you really want this to go on for another 3 years? Leave him and don't look back
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I always find it sad when a woman feels that she is competition for another woman for a man's affection. I had a girl once that actually asked me the question: "so are you going to fight for me?" because she was interested in someone else. I told her...."not worth the effort...he can have you". Boy was she pissed.
Reggie Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Your emphasis on her grooming habits and her age may also indicate that you value the superficial. Not that this guy seems like the deepest of thinkers or has much in the way of values, but your superficiality and past history may be unattractive to him in terms of having a more serious relationship. You've also mentioned obseving him being less than caring toward her. The fact that this does not make him unattractive to you, combined with a history of settling for attached men, may indicate you have self esteem issues, in addition to a lack of integrity. I would suspect this makes you a less than desirable partner in his eyes. While you perceive your grooming habits as a better choice, your downside may outweigh this in his eyes, even if he does prefer the shaven approach.
jj33 Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 . We talked about his girlfriend and he said he didn't love her and was going to break it off with her, that was in 2006. Here we are in 2009 and he still has not broken up with her! She is 38 he is 27. She wants him to move in and get married and have a baby and he says that is just not an option. He does what he wants and doesn't have an issue treating her like she doesn't matter. We are all members of the same group so I see this first hand. Him and I have gotten in MANY fights about him leaving her and how it is unfair to me. He claims he will break it off but he feels bad because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. WTF! Anyway, I don't know what to do. I have tried so hard to quit him. I love him and I feel like we are the perfect match. He even agrees, so why won't he leave this older woman?? She doesn't have money so I know it's not that, and she is DEFINITELY NOT a cougar, hell she doesn't even shave... Gross! I just keep coming back for more. Sometimes I just want to tell her but in the long run that will cause me more trouble. I need to walk away, but it's so hard. Why won't he leave her and be happy with me? Are you kidding? This has to be one of the ugliest things posted in a long time. Take a good hard look at your values. They are the values of someone who doesnt want a deep connection because things like being old and hairy are gross. Thats part of long term love. you are being incredibly superficial. You want to be with a man who doesnt have an issue treating his gf as if she doesnt matter? What a catch. Clearly he doesnt consider you to be his perfect match or he would be out of there. Your focus is on all the wrong things. Someday you will be 38. Its not old. You are young, superficial and naive and he is exploiting that for all its worth.
NoIDidn't Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 Your emphasis on her grooming habits and her age may also indicate that you value the superficial. Not that this guy seems like the deepest of thinkers or has much in the way of values, but your superficiality and past history may be unattractive to him in terms of having a more serious relationship. You've also mentioned obseving him being less than caring toward her. The fact that this does not make him unattractive to you, combined with a history of settling for attached men, may indicate you have self esteem issues, in addition to a lack of integrity. I would suspect this makes you a less than desirable partner in his eyes. While you perceive your grooming habits as a better choice, your downside may outweigh this in his eyes, even if he does prefer the shaven approach. The way its worded is funny, but I wholeheartedly agree with the conclusions. When I was younger (as in a teen), I was pretty superficial too. Thank God I had real friends that called me on it so that I could work on gaining some compassion towards others. OP, he sees you as callous in only thinking about yourself in a situation that involves more than just you. Sure, he's being selfish by cheating, but you don't seem to have any problems with it on his part as long as its not directed at you. Men do look at these things, believe it or not.
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