How do I gain his trust back from being clingy and needy?

[fiona.clark]

Hi

 

I have been seeing my partner now for 4 months.

 

We were very good friends for 10 years, both interested in each other but due to bad timing its taken us until now to be together.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t169479/?highlight=eddie

 

 

Up until 2 weeks ago things were great between us, he asked "why were we getting on so well, he couldn't believe how well we understood each other and said there must be a reason why?"

 

Then the last 2 weeks he has been out on the road gritting 17 hrs a day finishing up around 2am and starting again at 6pm, plus holding down a job during the day. I knew all about his working hrs before we started dating and assured him that I understood his work commitments and priorities. His last relationship ended because of this problem.

 

During this time I called him 2-3 times a day when he was either trying to work or catch up with sleep, text him 5+ times a day, send letters etc. I missed him so much, up until this point we would talk every night on the phone for 1-2hrs, and i really missed communicating with him. Every time he had a easy night and he needed to catch up with his sleep, I would go round and keep him up half the night. So he ended up more tired.

 

Basically he has asked me to back off and he needs some space to breathe. His dad is very ill in hospital, one of his friends has died suddenly and he says he just feels he has no time for himself, everyone wants a piece of him.

 

We talked about how I behaved, that I now know it was too much. But the main thing is that I really think I have hurt his feelings by saying I understood him and his lifestyle and promptly, threw it back in his face by behaving the way I did. He asked if i can learn from my mistakes as he feels that maybe I cant as I haven't in the past.

 

I have not spoken to him since 2 nights ago or texted him, he told me then that it wasn't really us that was the problem but the fact he had so much to deal with at the moment and get his head round. We had a laugh and talked about life in general, it was a nice happy conversation.

 

So the question is should i call him tonight or just send a text asking him if he is ok and is his dad getting better? Or should I leave it?

 

I really want to do the right thing and still reassure him that Im here if he needs me and I understand what he is going through and keep the communication going without scaring him away more.

 

Many thanks for reading this long message

 

Fiona

[Geishawhelk]

First of all, if this is your real name, I would strongly advise you contact admin and change it immediately.

never use your real details, this is reckless at best, and extremely dangerous at absolute worst.....

A simple google of your name will bring anyone interested in here, and they'll read everything you're writing.

 

Bad idea.

 

 

Secondly,

leave him alone completely, and let him initiate contact.

Back off and relax.

 

Really.

[jadelil25]

I know it's hard, i and I get the same but you need to give him the space. He is going through a lot at the moment and it sounds like he is interested but because he is having a lot on his plate he just wants to take some time out to relax. He also may want the space because he may get angry or upset and because he loves and cares about you he does not want to take it out on you/upset you.

 

Im sure everything will be fine if you just give him the space as required. If he is going through all this at the moment he needs a partner who is strong because he is going to need your support, going to need to be able to trust you and know that you can manage for a bit without him. Just let him know that you are there for him if he needs you.

 

Dont message, call or email him for a few days. I.e about 3 days. That way he will have time to breathe and think.

 

After a few days just send him one message or email, just keep it light. just say hello and ask how he is. And leave it at that. That way you are showing interest but you are not putting pressure on him. After this, leave it a few days again before messaging back if he does not reply and if he does reply, do not reply back straight away. That way you will look insecure and look like you have been waiting for his message. Leave it an hour minimum before replying.

 

Just do this and do what he requested. Im sure all we be fine, you have known him a long time, im sure he is interested but he just needs some time to breathe.

[carhill]

My advice given in your other thread still stands. If you continue, a rubber band will result. Nothing will be resolved and you'll bounce back and forth.

 

I'm presuming there are other relationships still involved, yes?

[fiona.clark]

Yes the previous relationships are over, but my gut feeling tells me he is not over her. I have said this to him but he denies it, he has a hard time dealing with the fact that she is always angry at him when they work together, blaming it on PMT all the time. Rather than excepting the fact she has every right to be angry at him because their relationship ended.

 

I backed off him last week, we spoke on Friday for 2.5 hrs he invited me over for the weekend.

 

We had a good weekend had a laugh and great sex on sat night. He said that i drive him crazy with desire and he cant get enough of me, he cant understand why he gets such intense feelings for me. Then he spent an hour early on yesterday morning saying that sex is dirty, that because we have such intense sexual chemistry and sparks fly that this is wrong and we cant be normal to feel like this together.

 

To me it sounded like he wanted to confess for feeling such pleasure out of intense sex ( he talks dirty a lot, with me he says its the first time he has really been himself in the bed room, he has never enjoyed sex so much before. i really like and encourage him but every so often he beats himself up for feeling like this) and needs to repent his sins for using me.

 

Anyway last night we were having a laugh on the phone. and he said that I had broke our contract of us having space for a month. This was the first time he had actually mentioned a time scale, I told him this and the fact it was him inviting me over to stay. His response was that it was a test to see whether I would take him up on the offer, or see if I would stick to the contract(!!!) But there was no set discussion about it in the first place, all he said was he needed time to breathe to sort his problems out.

 

So what is going on here???? Should I just back away and give him this months space without even discussing things over, I do feel that we need to talk about some basic rules here first like do we still talk on the phone once a week or does space really mean no contact???

 

 

He is a cancerian, he has been very hurt before, he says he is very trying in relationships and need someone that is patient, when he looks at me I see that he loves me, but he hides behind his shell of sarcasim and humor to avoid getting hurt.

 

I love this man, but all his insecruties are really making me ask is he ever going to let his guard down enough to really trust someone not to break his heart again?

 

Confused, too right!!