My relationship with a Commitment Phobe

[Kidsmoke]

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I feel the need to share my entire story and hopefully get some recommendations for myself. I should probably be institutionalized.

 

I'm a 39 yr. old male and my significant other is a 40 yr. old female. We met when I was 29. We were engaged at 6 months and sent invitations out. Shortly after she discovered that I wasn't the "right one" and we canceled the wedding. Emotionally it was the most damaging thing I've ever been through in my life. She was torn and suffering as well. I sat with her after dropping the cancellation notices off at the post office and she was literally going back and forth between saying "this is the right thing" and then "I should call the post office and see if they can stop shipment because I do want to be with you." We didn't break up and continued to date on and off for 4 years. Off being when she would get the grass is greener syndrome and go date someone else for a few weeks. Around year 4 she moved to another state because she had pretty much dated everyone in our church group. We continued contact with the occasional visit.

 

I moved across the country for work and within 6 months we ended up getting married. She pushed it, and I went right along with it. Immediately it was like a light switch went off in her and the regret, fear and questioning me as "the right one" crept back in to our relationship. By immediately I mean, on our wedding day. For the next few weeks she was emotional and distraught. We made it past that and things seemed to be ok. At this point I committed a huge mistake in my life and picked up a habit of tobacco and hid it from her, knowing she wouldn't be pleased. When she discovered this she was devastated and felt betrayed. (I realize it was betrayal and I lied and tried to hide it from her). Our marriage lasted 10 months before she left. She was unwilling to go to counseling, unwilling to just go visit her sister for a week. She was so ready to get back to single life that she wanted to do a quick divorce in the Dominican Republic. We ended up having to wait 6 months for our divorce and had 1 visit during that time. (She had moved across country). The tobacco issue is the reason for the divorce along with me lacking any desire to attend our church.

 

Pre and Post marriage, we were in constant contact. Even when she'd go date someone else, we'd email daily and talk nearly everyday on the phone. The final contact came about 7 months after our divorce. We completely stopped communicating.

 

Five years with no contact and she reaches out to me via a social networking site with a note just wondering how I've been. I sit on the note for a few days thinking the best thing would be for me to reply and tell her to leave me alone. Instead I reply and tell her what I've been up to for the past few years career wise and then tell her that I haven't attended church since she left (thinking this would end any future contact). She replies that she no longer attends church either and is pleased with how my life and career have progressed. She closes by stating she has a question she'd like to ask me but it will have to wait. After a few emails back and forth where she dances around this question she wants to ask, I track down her phone number and call. We talk for 4 hours. She explains that she is now 40 and wants a child and was going to use donor sperm and thought that I would be a great candidate. I explain that there is no way I can possibly give her a child and not be involved in my child's life on a daily basis. She agrees with this and we continue to talk for hours each night and text all day.

 

She apologizes profusely for the divorce and for not loving me unconditionally. She tells me she has been to a counselor and that she realizes she has commitment issues but states that she has learned that divorce shouldn't ever be an option and that no matter what it's better in the long run to work out issues. She repeats this often.

 

We had a visit planned for 6 weeks. I decide I can't wait and go see her over Christmas. We have a great time and it's all infatuation at this point. We discuss being together with her moving into my home. At no point do I suggest this, I allow her to control the pace of the relationship. I only suggest living together versus just running out and getting married again.

 

She comes out for her visit a month later and again it's all love. We discuss marriage again. She decides that if we are to be together, we need to just get married and not leave the door open. She repeatedly states that divorce isn't an option and not a word we should use.

 

She planned to move here at the end of March. I was set to visit around Valentines day and she decided we should get married then, in order to make the move in March quicker. Up to this point, things have gone incredibly well. She has been a rock and I'm actually thinking to myself that she has changed and is solid in her commitment.

 

I fly out and about 3 hours before our wedding she is in tears. It's to fast, we can do it in March, what if it's the wrong decision etc. I tell her I am fine with this and to call the little wedding chapel and her sibling who was supposed to be the witness. Her sibling chews her out and is upset with her for continually making excuses and explains that she needs to move ahead and work through this. A few minutes later and she's changed her mind, and we go get married. And once again the switch has been flipped and her feelings are completely changed. We make it through the weekend with a few emotional breakdowns from her, however over all we still have a great time. I ask her not to make any decisions without me as I now have to leave and fly back home for work.

 

The next night, she calls and says that the wedding chapel holds the license for 30 days and maybe we can ask them to not send it in and she will just move here in March for a 6 month trial period. Beyond that, she has suddenly become rational and can pinpoint negative traits with me and the relationship and use these as reasons that we shouldn't be married. Her points are all rational, however none of them were mentioned before we married.

 

During all of our time together we have had very few arguments or fights. We get along amazingly well and enjoy similar activities. Just before our divorce we would still make dinner together, play games together, do activities together, etc. Before the wedding last week, we both looked back on our relationship often and thought that it was odd that we got along that well while we were divorcing.

 

This woman has been engaged to 5 different men in her life. 4 before me and 1 since. She found a way out of each relationship after engagement. I'm the only one she's ever married.

 

She also struggles with major decisions in her life. Moving, buying a car, buying a house. She exhibits buyer's remorse, fear, and regret for each of these life changing events.

 

There's a part of me that knows she is truly afraid and hurting inside as she goes through these decisions. There's also the part of me that knows I can't solve her problems for her and that I'm not helping her.

 

Is there any behavior modification I can make to help this situation at all? Or do I just accept this as failure and get myself to counseling to work on my own issues and help me figure out how to love myself enough to move forward and someday have a loving relationship with another woman? (Feel free to hit me upside the head with a baseball bat if that will help).

[Heroic]

Dude, the only fix is to run, hard, fast and never look back.

[Mr. Lucky]

(Feel free to hit me upside the head with a baseball bat if that will help).

Kidsmoke, hand me a Louisville Slugger TPS Triton Softball Bat, 34" 30 oz please. I'm goin' for the cycle.

 

Come on, man. I got my own headache after reading where she left you hanging for the third time. And that was only half way through your post.

 

You touched briefly on the main issue. Why would you feel that this level of emotional abuse and gaslighting is what you deserve? Are you not worthy?

 

Mr. Lucky

[theBrokenMuse]

You must be a masochist to put up with this much pain and insanity. She's not ready to be with you - or anyone else for that matter. She may never be. She has more baggage than an airport. Run fast, run hard but RUN. Unless of course you feel like wasting years more of your life on a broken individual who may never be able to have any kind of healthy relationship.