Sandy223 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 So, I know you all think I am stupid for still seeing this MM ... I need to get the courage up to walk away, but I keep going back and forth... this weekend, Valentine's Day - nothing ... then he emails me today, the Tuesday after saying he has been trying to reach me all morning ... is my phone off? "Anyway, happy belated V-day. Hope you had a great weekend." So, because I was in a good mood, three hours later, I write back ... "my phone is definitely on. Happy belated V-day to you" ... he sends a couple of more messages, I don't respond ... he asks if he could call me ... (I was honestly busy) ... and then he calls me, and we had a nice conversation. He wanted to see me this week. I told him I was busy (which I am); so we make plans for next Monday... Why the hell didn't he send the v-day message on the appropriate day? We did "celebrate" the Wednesday before ... he took me out to a really nice dinner, etc... I think that was his way of aknowledging it ... ... I think if i don't say something now, things will go from bad to worse ... I mean ... I believe by me writing happy belated back, I was basically telling him it was OK that he ignored the most romantic day of the year. I was going to write him now and cancel next Monday ... is it OK if I don't say anything about this? Is anything too much? Then a friend told me that I should see him Monday and tell him then ... "I am uncomfortable with this ... I don't like being ignored on special holiday, and am not sure what message you are tying to send, but I don't like it" .... The rollercoaster!
LakesideDream Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 This one's to easy. He didn't send you a V-day message because A: he was feeling a bit guilty. B: he had more important things to do. C: He really doesen't care about you, he likes the sex though.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Hook, line and sinker...Boy does he have you pegged. He knows the exact thing to say to you, and you cave. He pushes your buttons, tells you what you want to hear and your knees go weak..HE IS FULL aware of how to manipulate you (selfishly ofcourse) into getting what HE wants. ... Why the hell didn't he send the v-day message on the appropriate day? Because you are the OW and not his wife. Sorry to be blunt, but that is the reality of your situation. You are second fiddle to his wife - IF you choose to be in this affair with him then accept that you're the OW, nothing more, nothing less. You are letting this man treat you like a piece of meat - I hope one day you see this and end it. He isn't going to give you what you want, ever.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 things will go from bad to worse ... I mean ... I believe by me writing happy belated back, I was basically telling him it was OK that he ignored the most romantic day of the year. Yup, you allowed him to treat you like a piece of poo with a smile on your face, agreeing to meet up with him on Monday all because of a "nice" conversation. Again, he's got you figured out and knows exactly the right thing to say to you so you'll fall into his arms, have hopes and fantasies that he's going to end his marriage and start a new life with you. He isn't going to do that..He will take whatever you give him because he is selfish and a user. Ignore him. Don't show up on Monday. Don't call, don't email and don't return ANY of his calls. This man is NOT stupid, he knows exactly what he's doing and he'll be fully aware of your reasons as to why you don't show up on Monday. Question is, DO you have the strength to do this?
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 "I am uncomfortable with this ... I don't like being ignored on special holiday, and am not sure what message you are tying to send, but I don't like it" .... The rollercoaster! You can't send that to him because you had a nice dinner on Wednesday in lieu of Valentine's Day. He knows you know that.. AND you DID say happy belated Vday to him. Actions speak louder than words. IGNORE HIM.
norajane Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Um, Valentine's Day was a Saturday, a day when both of them would be home all day. He was with his wife, and likely could not get away to talk to you or email you. Does he ever contact you on the weekend? Oh, and I thought you were busy dating other people, so that you would stay in control and not putting all your eggs in MM's basket. Why weren't you with one of those guys on Valentine's Day and not thinking about this loser MM? You ARE dating other people, right? Or are you finding that too difficult because you can't get into anyone else because you are so hung up on MM?
jj33 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 How could you expect not to be ignored. This is what we were all trying to tell you. This is how it is. Its not even a rollercoaster its a long slow drive into hell if what you want is to be treated like he is your boyfriend and you are a big priority in his life. You can "tell him" whatever you want. But either you walk or you accept it. There is no in between, things may be a little bit better for small spurts of time but in the end, its an affair. He already has a wife and men with wives dont make good boyfriends.
Author Sandy223 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Hi .... I did get introduced to someone last week. We haven't met yet; he wanted to go out on saturday, but since it was V-day and our first date, i thought it would be better to go out during the week. So we are meeting on Monday ... thank you all for being here ... i am in agony over this situation because it is bringing me down.... I don't know that the MM is being intentionally that manipulative, or that he really could give a darn less about me, but either way, this is glaring.... a simple text would have been just that ... and no, there is no logic when it comes to the heart.... I am dating others, I do have a full life, but that does not seem to matter right now and this is making me feel badly .... I go back and forth and feel like crap.... ....I talked to a friend last night, I was tormented ... AND he advised me to sleep on it .... to get clear, and to get the strength ... So, this morning I woke up at 4am ... yes, 4am! That is not good ... it means I am tormented ... it means that this situation is bringing me down and is no good for me ... here is what I decided - send him a message today "I cannot make it on Monday after all." Period. This way I don't even have to worry about strategizing over not showing up, chickening out later ... MAYBE if I just cancel now, I can give myself the attention and space to really pull out of there once and for all ... .... then IF he contacts me, which he probably will ... just tell him simply, with no anger in my voice ... "look, I was in a good mood yesterday when you called. Truth is, and it's simple: You did not even contact me on V-day; and to me it signifies the a lack of care that I need to feel comfortable. I don't think seeing you on Monday is going to change that for me. I enjoyed spending time with you, and was trying to overlook it yesteday; but that is not good for me either. This is just not working for me. "
Author Sandy223 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I am sorry ... I meant to say that I am meeting my new date tonight, Wednesday (not Monday!!)
Author Sandy223 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Hi again ... Norjane, I am sorry I didn't answer one of your questions. I am not so hung up on him that it is preventing me from dating others ... I went on two bad dates a week ago, and have a new one tonight... there just haven't been any on the horizon ... but there are some other new good ones coming up soon, and I am looking forward to them. Regardless ... I hear your point ... even if I do go out, and am about ... BFD! What I am doing with the MM is hurting me and my self esteem and is plain no good for me ... I could have 100 other boyfriends right now, and be fond of them all .. it wouldn't make one damn bit of difference if I am going to go around feeling like this. What would be the point? WHY did I do this to myself??? WHY? I am so naive
jj33 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I know you are hurting but it must be said you sounded awfully opportunistic in your earlier posts. If you really could have 100 boyfriends, which it must be said is a lot of juggling, then why even bother with being the glorified booty call? Now that you have some idea of the pain you are letting yourself in for (let alone the pain you could cause others) are you ready to get out?
Author Sandy223 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I sure hope so jj33 .... 100 bfs? I was exaggerating to make a point ... my point was it doesn't matter if I had 1000 and were a supermodel with a Phd and $20mm cash ... none of it would ... I fell in love with someone who is unavailable ... that's it! none of it would .... forget about who I am or who I think I am ... my heart hurts ... i am not some predator; just a vulnerable woman who is in love, in a bad situation and trying as hard as I can to keep it under control .... even if that means playing all sorts of mind games with myself ... so I can get through my day. And then yesterday they found lumps in my breast .... was in the hospital all day yesterday taking a million tests ... and now I have to go in Friday morning for a biopsy. I don't feel well (emotionally) ... I am scarred to death. I need to be with someone who loves me.
jj33 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 So sorry to hear about the lumps. Hopefully they will be benign. You do need to be with someone who loves you (in sickness and in health). Take good care. This is the worst part (of the A getting out) but once you are out you will be much much happier. People always say focus on you, and no doubt you must right now and understandable its easier with someone by your side. But it cant be him. Big hugs you willl get through this -- all of it
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 When you're miserable enough and can't function properly hopefully you'll wake up and walk away from him forever. In all honesty, I don't think you're near that point yet, let alone fully ready to say goodbye to him. You're letting feelings get in the way of your life, getting in the way of what you NEED to do so you will feel better. This situation is sooo unhealthy for you, yet it seems in words you say you'll ignore him but do you have the strength to block him and ignore him? Can you put that into action? Do you really want this affair over? Have you had enough yet? Silence is golden and if you can avoid speaking to him, do that. He knows exactly what's going on. PS Just wondering if you had any comment to my previous posts to you?
Author Sandy223 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Thanks! I will ... AND ... I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I sent him an email "Sorry, but I can't make it on Monday after all." Period. End of discussion. He writes back, "Bummer. What about Tuesday?" No response from me. I have an interview today at 3:30 and a date tonight .. and I am turning this ship around! Tomorrow night I have to meet my friend John. Friday it's back to the hospital. My mother is staying with me on Thursday to take me. Then I will be in good hands with my family this weekend. Next week I have a date on Tuesday and a lecture and dinner on Wednesday night .... And, then, my friend (she is a professional matchmaker) has 4 new men for me to meet. And, can I tell you? There are some truly wonderful people in my life, and I am lucky to have them. Maybe I am scared that I don't think I deserve what I could really have if I cut this garbage out of my life ... Maybe with the garbage, if everything else fails on me, I can always blame it on the garbage? I don't know ... just one theory. The point is, I HAVE TO get through this. Not contacting me on Valentine's Day? That is disgusting! Which means ... This affair is disgusting, HE is disgusting. Gross. Yuch. Puke. I am not even mad at him. I don't even hate him. I just feel disgusted, humiliated and sick for acting like an idiot who doesn't value herself. OK. I am going to throw up now.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I sent him an email "Sorry, but I can't make it on Monday after all." Good for you!! Period. End of discussion. He writes back, "Bummer. What about Tuesday?" Good that you haven't written back. Don't...Remember, silence can say 1000x more than what words can say, this way HE will wonder..(though I'm sure he knows why you've cancelled.) I am not even mad at him. I don't even hate him. I just feel disgusted, humiliated and sick for acting like an idiot who doesn't value herself. OK. I am going to throw up now. As of NOW - You've taken control of your life again and given yourself your self respect back (boy does that sentence read oddly..) and you should be proud of YOU!! Stay strong, keep posting..
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 This one's to easy. He didn't send you a V-day message because A: he was feeling a bit guilty. B: he had more important things to do. C: He really doesen't care about you, he likes the sex though. Although I like your response as I haven't much respect for cheating MM/MW or the willing OM/OW....if this is a stab at an OW...what is to be said about your status as an OM?
Author Sandy223 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 thank you ... thank you ... thank you!!! I feel my head clearing up already ... will just keep praying that I stay on this path ... I really think I can do it now! So ... what makes you think he will know why I am blowing him off? Trust me, it's not like I am going to call him to explain anything. (1) I really don't feel like talking to him; and (2) he has showed me that he doesn't care, so what the hell does it matter what I say? It doesn't ... So, when/if he calls I will only pick up the phone if I have recovered from this torment. I do not want to talk to him feeling like this ... or coming off of this ... I will again, just say "It's pretty simple: No contact on V-day shows me there is no respect or care sufficent to make me feel comfortable. That's it. There's not much more to discuss"
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 So, when/if he calls I will only pick up the phone if I have recovered from this torment Huh? Why even bother? Why on earth would you allow him to speak to you once you've recovered from this? What is the point? You cannot be 'friends' with him. Ever.
Author Sandy223 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Oh, no whichwayisup, I didn't mean it like that ... I don't want to be his friend ... at all ... he is not my friend. Avoiding the phone calls on purpose is not great either ... he could think that I care so much that I am devastated to the core .... when I am feeling calm/cool/collected and back in sorts, if he calls I can easily pick up the phone and say my piece with no emotion whatsoever ... that's all. I sometimes think that makes me feel even better ... if I could just pick up the phone as if; like it/he doesn't bother me. then he will know for sure that he has lost his control/power over me and my emotions which he so clearly took from granted. And, Dexter - I have nothing bad to say about an OW ... it is a horrible position to put oneself in, but we are all in different stages in life, and people have all sorts of reasons for doing things ... loneliness, insecurity .... can't really judge someone unless you have walked 1000 miles in their shoes; even then. That is what this board is for ... and I love the fact that I was able to come here, and that I allowed myself to be open to the opinions of others even at times when I was not at the right place to follow the right advice ... I knew I could count on coming here. It is scary feeling this badly about something ... I am sure this board has even been responsible for saving a life or two ... you don't know how people act under stess/depression/anxiety. This place helped me so much.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 And, Dexter - I have nothing bad to say about an OW ... it is a horrible position to put oneself in, but we are all in different stages in life, and people have all sorts of reasons for doing things ... loneliness, insecurity Thats no excuse to hurt someone else in real life. I've been lonely, and sure once before felt insecure. But never would I have hooked up with a married women...not even a woman that has a boyfriend. Why? 2 reasons. One, I wouldn't want someone doing it to me. And two, if someone is willing to cheat on their SO with me, then they aren't worth the time of day. Simply put, they are cheaters and I want no part of them. .... can't really judge someone unless you have walked 1000 miles in their shoes So to judge a murderer I have to have committed murder? And I'll never be in the shoes of a cheater or someone that sleeps with someone elses spouse/girlfriend. unless of course there is the situations where they lied about their available status...and in the event of discovering their true status, it would be over. This place helped me so much. Apparantly not. You are still messing around with someone elses husband and are looking for advice on V-day:o
jj33 Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Sandy hes not going to think you are blowing him off. His arrogance is such that it wont click. But you are focusing on the wrong thing. Its not no contact on V day its the fact that he is married to someone other than you. He knows that and saying no contact on V day is hte problem just allows him to make excuses and charm you into giving him another chance promising he wil never do anything like that again. Just tell him married man make bad boyfriends. Bye bye its been fun. That needs to be your mantra. Hang in there. You sound like you have loads going for you. You can do this.
White Flower Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 This one's to easy. He didn't send you a V-day message because A: he was feeling a bit guilty. B: he had more important things to do. C: He really doesen't care about you, he likes the sex though.Ouch, but so true. Besides agreeing with Lakey, I'd like to say get out of the A. If you really think this thing might last a while, communicate your needs and make him abide by your rules. Why be unhappy in a relationship that already has so many limits? If he wants to be a player, teach him how he can make you want to stay while doing it.
LakesideDream Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Although I like your response as I haven't much respect for cheating MM/MW or the willing OM/OW....if this is a stab at an OW...what is to be said about your status as an OM? I haven't been an OM for many years now Dex. I never saw myself in that role either. In hindsight I know that's what I was for awhile, but hell, that was way before LS, and all the enlightenment aquired here. I was just a shulmp who had been ejected from a 25 year marriage looking for a life preserver. I'm sure that part of the reason that the "MW" and I were not able to reconnect as I hoped was that I never expected her to be an affair partner, and I'm positive she didn't expect me to be an OM. It's was always an all or nothing thing. To your original point. In my opinion this lady (the orig. poster) was mistreated by her MM. She shouldn't ignore the reality of the situation. She's not first, second or third on his list of priorities. She either settles for being his on the side bang, or changes her situation. Forces him to change his behavior or hits him where it will get his attention.
desertmoon Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Thats no excuse to hurt someone else in real life. I've been lonely, and sure once before felt insecure. But never would I have hooked up with a married women...not even a woman that has a boyfriend. I do no think it is an "excuse", I think it just is....perhaps one does not intend to hurt another but one does anyway-as what is usually the case when we put ourselves ahead of other people's interests/desires/needs..etc... the fact that you never hooked up with a married woman is commendable and you deserve praise but as evident by the many posters to this board many are not like you. You can get angry and magnify how evil they are and how much better and holier you are than them yet I suspect you still do not feel better about yourself...so... how about letting up a little bit? The OP is asking for help and is actually getting some kind help and she is in the "right path" and you are bashing her... if someone is willing to cheat on their SO with me, then they aren't worth the time of day. Simply put, they are cheaters and I want no part of them.Have you been propositioned by these types of women? If you have, I am sorry that has happened to you. That must have been very difficult---I cannot even begin to imagine the insult you must have felt ! So to judge a murderer I have to have committed murder?ahhh...no (unless you want to). Every case (including Adultery) there are mitigating (or agggravating) circumstances....it is never black and white.
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