msjules Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 After five months of not seeing him, after about a month of solid NC with him texting me, calling me, and emailing me non-stop, he showed up on my doorstep last night. I let him in after opening the door and almost going into shock seeing him there. I just figured it was one of my kid's friends. As for our history, he lost his job last September and broke it off with me because he had a lot going on and wanted to figure things out and look for another job. He was humiliated at being unemployed. It started off, as so many breakups do, as a "break". Over time his excuses also turned into the fact that he wanted kids and I can no longer have them. The breakup became permanent. That set into motion my really trying hard to get over him once and for all despite his mixed messages and constant flirting with me. I would yell and scream at him (over the phone because in all this time he would never meet me in person) about how he was giving me mixed messages and how it was driving me crazy. He insisted on remaining friends, in fact was almost obsessed about it. I tried remaining friends, tried as hard as I could, but it hurt too much. About a month ago I threw in the towel and went NC without telling him what I was doing. I figured he'd eventually get the hint and I owed him nothing. He stayed for three hours last night and it turns out that the "kids" excuse was something he told me in anger but apparently (?!?!) he didn't mean it. His plan all along has been to keep me close by as a "friend" and he wanted us to resume our relationship once he was able to get another job. He has a temporary job right now but it doesn't pay much. I am in total shock and I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me yet again, much in the same manner as when he broke up with me with absolutely no warning back in September. We had a good relationship, we hardly ever fought, and it wasn't like our relationship was deteriorating. He just up and walked away when he got laid off. I have been trying as hard as I can to get over him but even after five months he has been on my mind every hour of every day. I don't know what I am going to do. I feel as though I almost had closed the door on the relationship, and he stuck his foot in at almost the last second. It may just be too late. I am at a complete loss. If this was his plan all along, why didn't he just say so?
wuggle Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Let's assume for a minute that everyting he said was rubbish (or creative hindsight), do you want him back or are you happy with life without him ?
Enema Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 What's so great about him? Sounds like a jerk. Do you really want to be with someone that throws in the towel and runs away the minute he encounters difficulty?
Author msjules Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I don't know if I want him back or not. I am completely overwhelmed and in shock right now. I am leaning towards not wanting him back because I do not want a man who cuts and runs when life gets hard. Life IS hard and couples need to face their problems together. What happens the next time something happens? His mother is terminally ill.........what happens when she passes away.......and what happens if he loses his job the week after that? Will he dump me again? It's not a chance I think I need to take. I have agreed to talk with him some more but I don't think this is going to go much further. Too much water under the bridge, I think.
troubadour Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Will he dump me again? I wouldn't be surprised at all. Just cut him off completly or else it will be on and off thing.
redmelon Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 You are right, we do have some things in common. I understand just how you feel. You love this person, and I am sure the good times were amazing, but you also know the bad times are terrible. There has been damage done here, the trust and security has been broken. His reasons for leaving are ridiculous. You never asked him to leave because he lost his job. Those are times when families come together and find ways to help each other, not a time to run away and desert the ones who love you! You know all of this, you don't need me to tell you. I know the torturous tug of war that must be going on in your head, but just remember, he WILL do this again. You have NO reason to think anything else, and you are worth more than putting your head on this chopping block again. I feel for you, but we both know our exes have issues that have nothing to do with us, and can't be changed by us. This blows, I am sorry you have to deal with this unexpected drama. Stay strong, and just try to focus on the FACTS.
Author msjules Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 A torturous tug of war is exactly what it is. I really resent his coming back into my life like this and messing everything up. I still love him, but I don't think I like him very much right now.
Geishawhelk Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 'Like', in a way, is waaay more important than 'love'. It's easy to love someone, but if we don't like them, the relationship is soured and dysfunctional. having sex qith someone you love is fine. Having sex with someone you don't love, happens. having sex with someone you don't like....? Can't be done, unless you completely shelve your self-respect, self-esteem and self-worth. I'm not suggesting you're going to. I'm merely illustrating the depth of the term 'like', in a relationship. To my mind, you stop this happening. Don't contact him, and don't let him back into your life. If he calls back on your doorstep, tell him plainly and simply, "this isn't going to work, because I don't want it to." - And close the door. I know it sounds cruel, harsh and final, but he can't mess you around like this and expect you blindly to just fall back into his arms again. This isn't Hollywood. You were happily reconstructing your life, and along comes the demolition Man to pick it to bits again Please, don't let it happen.
Author msjules Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 I don't know that I was happily reconstructing my life, I was doing it against my will, but I WAS doing it. Heck, I am still doing it. I am going to look at this visit as a gift, let him know that I want him out of my life for right now and that perhaps in a year we can try being friends (and only friends) again. And then I'm going back to NC. I feel much less rejected now than I did before. Yes, he broke up with me, but it was more because of his own inability to deal with his issues than any problems he had with me. Is that an ego thing on my part? Yep. But that's okay. He has given me back a part of myself, a bit of my self esteem, that I had lost. I'm grateful to him for that. But he has to go. Too much water under the bridge. I have too much self respect to let him back into my life after all he has done and yes, I don't trust him at all anymore. Six years is a long time, and hopefully someday we can work on being friends again, but not now and not for a long time. Thanks everyone for helping me work through this. This is not going to be easy.
redmelon Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I think your perspective is on track, this is a very hard thing, but he has given you back the power, and now the decision about how things go from here, is YOURS. I know that feels a little bit good, since the decision about him leaving in the first place was never brought to you for consideration. It's very similar to my situation, in that, yes, they both left initially, but the ultimate decision of how things should turn out is ours to make. I can see how his return boosts your emotions about the whole thing- but there was never anything wrong with you to begin with. Hopefully, that will speed you along in moving forward. I know it's hard and it hurts, but these are deeply flawed people, and it's not a wise place to ever put your heart again. Are you going to tell him your decision, or just go straight to NC?
Author msjules Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 I don't know. I've cried a lot about this tonight. I'm bargaining with myself ---maybe we can just be friends right now---maybe we can do that now instead of later. I know that would probably not be a good idea. I can probably do that now but I wonder if he could. If I took a poll, everyone in here would tell me to cut him loose. I will probably tell him I am returning to NC, I figure since he came over here with his heart in his hand, I do owe him that much now. This is so sad and could have been avoided had he only been more able to deal with his issues. I cannot tell you how sad I am and how in shock I am that the tables have turned and now it is me who is rejecting him instead of it being the other way around. We met in March of 2003 and sat next to each other at work for four years. We came to know each other very well and when I moved to another division in our agency we started dating. It was a wonderful relationship in every way. Sure, there were signs that he might have some problems, but who these days doesn't have problems? I am not ready to make this move yet. I will make it when I am good and ready and I am not there yet. But I will get there -- sooner rather than later.
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