shayna Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I am now officially the only one left in my several LARGE groups of friends that is single! I am sooooo incredibly lonely because they all have partners now- and most are married or about to be. I hate my ex sooooo much now for putting me in this horrible horrible state. Even he is with someone now which upsets me too since obviously I don't want him to be happy after what he put me through during and after our relationship. I know I should be OK on my own but, really, I truly LOVE being part of a couple and its already been 1.5 years since our split (after being together for 9). So what if I'm co-dependent. I know myself well enough that being single will not get any easier or better for me- it'll make me feel worse about myself. And character building? That's plain BS. I have enough character. Other people need character. What has happened to me since the break has been totally character building- dad has cancer, one friend died and another nearly died, I'm totally in debt because my school promised me money than decided against it, my computers break down every day, several friends who used to be mine decided to spend more time with my ex (who was abusive to me). I can't take such bad luck any more- this is ridiculous!!! I'm 34 and there's NO ONE out there- doesn't matter what I do. I made tons of new friends, started a new school program, I go out lots. I am totally pathetic! I just want everything to end- now.
phxalfie Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Shayna, Your right your life does suck! Two things are guaranteed in life. 1. We will die 2. We have choices while we are alive. You are the only one that can change your life. YOU and only you have that choice. If you keep focusing on the bad you will receive more of the same. Life is a box of chocolates. You can look at them is something that has a-lot of calories or something that taste so damm good you just want to eat 100s Life is a Journey not a destination. Enjoy it will you can. Best!
drutten Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Sounds to me like you're blaming her for her misfortune... do you really think that's what leads to healing? Anyway, what's true is that a lot of people can't stand listening to other people's problems... try to avoid those people and find someone to commiserate with. But never forget that life only sucks because we can conceive of it being better than it is, and that you wouldn't be resentful if you didn't think you deserved better, as I am quite sure you do. Grief is not a disorder, it's the price we pay for knowing what we're missing.
Author shayna Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Thank you Drutten for defending me because I can hardly see how all the stuff that happened to me (apart from the breakup) is at all under my control and based on choice. Some people are no help indeed.
PinkToes Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 So what do you think would happen if you never married? What would that life be like for you? Would you ever consider marrying someone who wasn't pretty close to what you were looking for, just to avoid being single? I'm not judging; just curious about your thoughts. The thing about trying to be happy alone is that it is 100% within your control. Needing to be coupled in order to be happy is not 100% in your control. That's why the whole "being happy alone" concept so important. Not that you shouldn't prefer being part of a couple..... it's normal to want that. It's just a good foundation for your life, in case you never get married and have to come up with a Plan B.
alwayssme Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 i hate the talk about being happy alone...while yes its motivational, lets all be HONEST here...cause at the end of the day NOBODY likes to be alone...family, friends and a companion are very important for my happiness....maybe its wrong to feel like this but its the truth...if i lived in a world with no friends, noone to love...honestly i would be unhappy...sorry to sound so pessimistic or whatever but im just saying the truth...my two cents...i have alot of respect for people who carry so much weight on their shoulders and are so strong...but then we're all different i guess...i know people who care SO SO much about money and thats not me at all...all i care about is my health and to have LOVE in my life..and im not talking just about "romantic" love..simply having people i care for who care for me makes me happy...and being in love and havin that person love me back is an amazing feeling...props to anyone who is content without them--and i mean that...
PinkToes Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Learning to be happy alone doesn't mean choosing to live like a hermit. You can love your own company and still enjoy friends and family and romantic relationships. My preference is to be in a happy, healthy, committed love relationship. But I also like being on my own. It isn't an either/or life choice, and it definitely doesn't force you to give up the joys of social interaction. What it can do for you is make everything better. If you plan something fun with a friend and they cancel at the last minute, you can still go and enjoy yourself. If you want to travel somewhere and can't find anyone else who is interested, you can go alone, without fear. You can find your self home alone on a Saturday night and immediately have a list of things in your head that will be fun to do on your own. Doesn't mean you have to force yourself to be alone, or force yourself to try and like it. Just means that it's a handy little life skill to have, to protect yourself when things don't go the way you'd hoped. Sort of like learning to drive a manual transmission even if that isn't your preference. And it's also a pretty good way to avoid bad relationships & bad marriages (not the ones that go south on you, but the ones you can see from a mile away and jump into anyway because it's better than being single). I love my family & friends, but I also enjoy my own company. I didn't get this way on my own, though; I learned my independence from my mom when I was very little, and it is the best gift I've ever received. I've been blessed with a lot of amazing adventures in life that probably wouldn't have happened if I'd had to wait around for someone to go along. Sorry to add to all the talk of being happy alone, but I've honestly never seen the downside. It works well for me.
jc Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Shayna, I'm going through some of the same feelings/bad luck right now too....All but 1 of my friends is married/engaged/partnered and I often feel very left out. And sad. And angry that they get to have this and I don't. I think what phalxie was maybe trying to say though, is that when we focus on the negative, more negative things come to us. The whole idea of manifestation, that we create what we focus on. So if we choose to focus on things that are good, we will create more good. Or something like that;) Last year when I was really down in the dumps about being single (this was before the ex that broke up with me 2 months ago), I was in tears to a friend about how lonely I felt and how much it sucked being on my own, etc. And she said something that really made me think: "The reality is that you are single right now. And you can choose to feel okay about it, or you can choose to feel upset about it, but either way you're still on your own." And this was the absolute truth. I don't necessarily get to choose to be in a happy committed relationship right this second (if I could choose, that's exactly where I'd be right now). But I do get to choose to be fine with being on my own. And to trust that when the right person comes along, things will just fall into place. Do I feel like this all the time? No. When my old roommate who was always single along with me (up until she started dating this guy two years ago) got engaged last week, I felt sick to my stomach...I was happy for her, but I also felt unbelievably sad that two years later, here I am single (again) and here she is engaged. But then I try to go back to being okay with where I am in my life and accepting that my path looks different than that of my friends. I don't absolutely LOVE being on my own. But it's not as horrible as I imagine it to be at times. And sometimes I actually really enjoy being on my own...I get up on the weekends when I want, I watch the movies I want to, I eat what I want for dinner, I make plans based on my schedule/preferences, not someone else's. I guess I'm just trying to say that I've felt both ways. I've felt despair and sadness and depression and anger at being on my own (and I still feel like this at times, it hasn't just disappeared), and I've also had to learn how to feel good and positive and accepting of being on my own. Because that's the part that I get to choose. So, just try to choose to be okay (not deliriously happy, not ecstatic, not fabulous) about being single, even if it's just for a few minutes each day. Try to feel grateful for what you do have and what you have already created in your life. Ex. the many wonderful friends in your life, your relationship with your family, etc. Not everyone has those things. And try to trust that just as you have created those great things in your life, you will also create a wonderful, caring relationship with the right person. I was reading the other day and the author said something about how it's impossible to feel grateful and sad or grateful and angry or grateful and lonely at the same time. And it's true. So even if you just spend a few moments in gratitude each day, at least it's some time that you don't have to feel those other emotions. This is just what I'm TRYING to do anyways...and it has helped. Take care, jc.
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