LostLamb Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I wish you luck but rememebr not to fall in to the "I can fix you" trap. He is 27 and should seek counselling if he has deep issues over his parents divorce. You are already making a lot of excuses for his behaviour.I don't think you can put a time frame on love-some people fall quicker than others. Looking back on my last relationship made me realise I was in love earlier than I claimed but didn't want to admit it due to my rejection issues.
Geishawhelk Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Love, or infatuation? I don't believe most people could be in love after only a day. I left a 23-year marriage and my partner and I are still together nearly 5 years later. At 52, I know what love feels like, and what infatuation feels like. Trust me. It was - and is - Love.
4givrnt4gtr Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Basically, my boyfriend was taking things far too seriously and it seems he was confusing like with love. Bassically, what he is telling you is that he isnt feeling that "in love" feeling everyone wants to get when they first get in a relationship...sure it may not be "real" love, but it is that giddy, joyful feeling I know most of us want. He also said that when I asked him if he likes me, he thought I was using "like" as a euphenism for "love". Are you serious??? please tell me you didnt buy this BS. He knows exactly what you meant...Like is like, love is love, here, in china and even in the mind of a confused 27 year old. He has little to no relationship experience and has never gone past a few dates with anyone else. Good lord is this like the excuse of choice of men who are on the fence about someone??? Its not rocket science....and probably what he wants which you're saying its not really possible is what we've all been talking about. That for real, in love feeling, the one that you dont have to coherse or wait a million years to happen. He said that when he meets a girl, he wants to have a deep connection Oh thats funny, cuz this quote validated what i just said....and OP, it CAN happen....dont settle for anything less than that, nor ask someone to settle for less either. When you meet someone whom you have a good connection with, you'll know it almost immediately...specially if you are actively dating. Real life love is not always how it is depicted in movies and songs! I agree, its actually better.. He has promised he will try his best to calm down and stop over-analysing things and just take them for what they are. His overanalyzing is his gut telling him that this isnt what he truly wants. And unfortunately, you have to accept that, and respect it. DOnt push for something that isnt there. The reason why Im telling you all this is because I did the same rationalizing and acccepting of BS that you are doing right now. The "oh he just doesnt have experience" , the "well, I guess true love isnt how people/movies/songs make it seem", the "well he surely will grow to love me, after all we get along so well!" It doesnt happen girl. The love that develops is more like a filial love. Why? because the initial spark, the connection your friend is talking about, wasnt there to begin with. After a while you look around, see happy couples, completely in love and you wonder what they have that you dont. And you keep hoping that it'll grow, that it'll somehow show up eventually. But then it doesnt...and you feel cheated, depleated and tired. I know its tough, and possibilities are endless at this point. But, as I was told when I was in that relationship...if the beginning isnt good, where you are BOTH feeling excited about the relationship, and being with each other, without any other agenda than because you enjoy each other's company, then dont expect it to get any better. Trust me....Ive seriously been in your place, stayed for a year and a half hoping things would change, and totally didnt.
Author Blackberries Posted February 20, 2009 Author Posted February 20, 2009 Well, I just dumped him. I just couldn't listen to any more bull. The same rubbish happened all over again- despit him promising me only 2 nights ago that he'd try his best not to let the same row happen again. He eventually told me that he really liked me, that our conversation the other night meant the world to him, and that he was thrilled that someone could be so kind to him. He told me that it was extremely difficult for him to tell me all this because he was scared?????? I just couldn't listen to any more of it. When he's describing his thought process...if he's telling the truth, he's pure crazy. If not, he's just giving me excuse after excuse after excuse. I wanted to believe him- I wanted desperately to- but I just couldn't make myself believe what he was saying. I would have felt stupid to do so. He may as well have been telling me the earth was flat. Just couldn't hack it anymore. Too much work. I told him "I don't want to do this anymore" and had to repeat myself several times because he started giving me more excuses. I told him "I don't want to go out with you anymore" and he starts asking me "oh come on, don't give up over this!". Eventually I just said "It's over, I don't want to put up with this anymore, why the hell would I want to?" and hung up. I've sent him 2 texts since (about 30 mins) basically saying I'm sick of his crap, I'm sick of dealing with the same rubbish over and over and getting nothing in return.
Geishawhelk Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 I'm throwing a party in your honour - wanna come? There's cream cakes.....!! Woo-furcking-hoo - !!!!! Good for you - REALLY REALLY - Good for you - !! *Round of applause*! (Standing ovation, actually.....)
Island Girl Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Now -- no more texts. No more communication.
Author Blackberries Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 He is still completely ignoring me... I have texted him to ask him to pass my t-shirt to one of our mutual friends to give to me and NOTHING... We've been online at the same time on IM too and nothing. He went on a night out with our mutual friends last night, I avoided it and went out with other friends instead. There's a good chance he'll be out with them tonight too... god, it will be awkward. But I can't become a social hermit just because of him. I have a good mind to send him an IM telling him to give me back my t-shirt and stop being such a prick!!!
Island Girl Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 I have a good mind to send him an IM telling him to give me back my t-shirt and stop being such a prick!!! Just give up on the t-shirt. It isn't worth having to have any interaction with this loser. And absolutely go where you want when you want and pay him no mind. Don't ignore him completely. Just act as though he were some acquaintance that you could give a crap about. That means a passing uninterested "hi" if you are presented with him right there in front of you along with an immediate strike up of conversation with someone you DO want to talk to. Don't give him the opportunity to strike up a conversation with you. Act like he is one of those guys that you have met - that you know likes you but you are completely uninterested in. I hope that makes sense.
Author Blackberries Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 I sent him an IM, just saying, get it back to me and then you won't have to worry about hearing from me again. He answered, saying "I gave it to X yesterday". That was it. I just said back, "How nice of you". He didn't say anything back, and his status went to "idle". Then I was in the middle of typing him a message, just to ask why he was ignoring me and being so hostile, and he came back online. He obviously saw that I was typing a message, because he logged out straight away. I don't know why he's ignoring me. He obviously doesn't miss me, and isn't bothered about me breaking up with him. After all the kindness I showed him (albeit I was mad when I broke up with him, and still am) it would have been nice to get a "sorry it didn't work out" or "I hope we can still be friends", but instead, I'm just getting point blank hostility. I can't believe that only 7 days ago, we were having a day out for Valentine's Day, and I thought we were the happiest couple alive.
Island Girl Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Okay - you need to stop the communication. The only message that should have been sent back was "Okay." And I would not have even sent that. You should not ask why he is being hostile or ignoring you, or has an attitude, etc. It is done. Be done with him on all levels at all times. Block him on AIM or FB or anything else. Log in as invisible so he can't see you at all. Erase his number from your phone. Erase any and all texts. Don't have communication with him in any way at any time. You have to do what is best for you and any type of relationship with him is not healthy for you.
Zapbasket Posted February 22, 2009 Posted February 22, 2009 Just wanted to chime in with another "You go, girl!" You did the right thing. This much neurosis about figuring out whether you LIKE someone or not, and only a few weeks into dating? Pul-eeease. Nobody needs to put up with that crap. Don't ruin your empowered position (in relation to yourself) by now fretting about why you haven't gotten a response / the response you were hoping for. He's not going to respond, and if he does it will be curt, because you took away his control. Things didn't go as he'd expected and what's "worse," you totally called him out on all his bull. Leave him alone to stew over what happened. And congrats for sticking up for yourself! Really awesome.
Author Blackberries Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Well, an update. A couple of days after I last posted, I got a new job. He sent me an IM saying "for what its worth, congratulations on the new job". I just said "alright" and left it at that. I saw him a few days ago (we have several mutual friends) as we all went out to the pub. He stared at me for much of the night and any time I was speaking to the person beside him he would be looking. If I went up to the bar to get a drink, when I turned around, he'd be looking. I avoided eye contact as much as I could. Towards the end of the night I asked the group "Where can I get a taxi?". He answered but I didn't even look at him. I do miss him, and it's hard to hear him talking to other people because I love talking to him. And I really miss being held, having someone there, cuddles etc. I got 2 phone numbers at the weekend but neither guy had the same beauty or sense of humour or many other things as this guy did. I really wish things could have been different.
D-Lish Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Look you are doing the typical thing we women tend to do when we are faced with a challenge of this nature, you kid yourself into thinking "I can help him, I can change him, our attraction/love will see him through this. And the reality is NO it won't. I have to agree with this. A man who is 27 confessing to the same tired old pattern over and over again isn't going to change for anyone- no matter how spectacular you are. You mentioned that you felt a red flag warning in the first few dates- especially when he told you he rarely connects to women, or stays with them for more than a couple weeks. It's good to trust your gut- it was trying to tell you something there and you didn't listen to it. Usually when something starts off not feeling "right"... it turns out to "not be right"... I've ignored my gut in situations like these... and It always turns out to be right in the end. I think he's issues run pretty deep- He's a project, but he isn't bf material. He's already following the pattern he warned you he would. Maybe it makes him feel absolved by making such a disclaimer in the beginning... Thta he can't break through the wall of intimacy. Now that he is showing you the behaviour he warned you he has a chronic history of- it's time to move on for you. Recognize that this is HIS issue, don't internalize it as you own. Move on to someone you deserve- someone available and emotionally healthy and able to provide you something better. Good luck.
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