RAR Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Hi everyone. I was hoping someone could help me- Its kind of a long story, but I will make it as short as possible. I met my husband in high school. He is sweet, honest, loyal, quiet, very hard-working and revolves his life around work and taking care of what he thinks I want. I am spontaneous, outgoing, like to always be doing interesting things, traveling, dancing, reading, going out. I work very hard too, but I believe that life is short, and think that having fun together is equally important. I want to enjoy my life. To me, having fun is right up there in priorities with work. Our differences are insane. I knew that from the beginning. I thought we would balance each other out. He is a great guy, and we dated for 7 years before we got engaged. I never felt the sparks, but he was such a great guy that I tried to hang in there and feel them. Throughout those 7 years, I broke up with him several times. Always because he would promise to do fun things with me, and he would do one or two, and then get back in to his work-centered life. In this time, I also met someone who is very much like me. He works, but he goes away on the weekends, travels, goes out, has a very light outlook on life. Much like I do. I broke up with my then-boyfriend many times for this guy, and every time I was very honest- I told him exactly why, and he knew who he was. He didn't care. He begged me to come back, swore up and down that he would change- that he would do anything to be with me. I told him over and over again- this is what I want, what I need, I am not going to "settle down" or change for you. You shouldn't have to change for me, either. I have always told him everything. I decided to make myself happy, and thought that in turn, I could be happy with him. I graduated college, have my own friends, hobbies. It didn't help that I wasn't sure if I could trust the other guy, and the instability with him scared me. I knew that I could trust my boyfriend. He was, and still is, my very best friend who I tell EVERYTHING. When we would break up, his family (and mine) would call me and tell me how I was crazy for leaving him, and how he was devastated, he would do anything for me, he wasn't eating or sleeping. I missed my best friend. SO I went back. Over and over again until "suddenly" it was our wedding day. Even on that day, I was dreaming that the other guy would come and save me. Take me away from it. I knew that it wasn't right, but my friends and family had already done so much, helped pay. It was too late. My friends tried to talk me out of it; they said I wasn't myself when I was with him, but they helped me prepare for my wedding day anyway. So from that day forward, I decided that I wasn't giving it 100%, and if I did, it would work. I would be fine. I did, after all, say "till death do us part". So I never talked to the other guy again, and I focused. I was comfortable, fine. We still didn't do anything fun together- I did everything with my friends. He wanted to save the money. Here we are a year and a half later, same situation. So I guess my question is, where do I go from here? I can be "happy" for a few months, but I always go back in to this "should I stay or go? what do I deserve? am I selfish for wanting to go?" I realize that I should have never let it get this far, but I did. He is a great, reliable, caring guy who would do anything for me, and who loves my family and they love him. He is perfect in every other way, other than the fact that we don't have the "sparks", and we don't ever do anything. Everyone is going to tell me that I'm crazy. I don't know what is more important. Is it important to have someone who loves you more than anything, and who only wants to give you everything? Who you can trust, who loves you unconditionally? I know that it is hard to find. BUT.....am I settling, sacrificing a part of who I am and what I want? OR is my wanting to always have fun immature, something I should be growing out of? Do those things REALLY matter? Should I be with my best friend, and do the rest with my girlfriends? He tells me to do what makes me happy, so I travel without him, go out without him, everything- and he doesn't care. He just wants to be with me, and for me to be happy. So I guess I kind of have it made. Except for that whole passion/happiness thing. I really appreciate any input anyone can give. Thank you
Geishawhelk Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I responded in your other thread, but this is far more legible, thank you.... The perils of ignoring your gut instincts, and listening instead to everything everyone else has to say! They meant well, no doubt, really wanting the two of you to succeed - but you're the one in it with him - and it's not working, is it? So I think you have several options ahead of you: Discuss separation with him, and why. (It's going to be almost impossible for him to change his characteristics. It's not temperament, he's wired that way - this is who he is.) Stick with him, and sacrifice your passion but live your life the way he seems to be happy to let you live. Notice I haven't mentioned the 'happiness'. You could still be happy, if you care for one another, and find each other companionable. But the passion is a moot point.... If you want passion, it would mean having an affair. Please, don't resort to this. It's unnecessary, unfair and causes heartache. it's one of your options, but one I wouldn't touch with a bargepole, if I were you..... If I were you, I'd be thinking of the long, frank talk with him. On the face of it, I'm inclined to think this is a no-brainer....
Author RAR Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 I worried that it might be kind of obvious what I should do....BUT it is so much harder than it sounds when I just promised to be with him forever, and he is not going to be able to handle it very well at ALL (since the other times he took it very badly, and we weren't married then.) With him being my best friend, I don't want to do that to him. Can't I just disappear?
Geishawhelk Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 No. You can't - and of course, you know it. This is why I said that you'd have to have the long frank talk. Because whatever happens, one of you is going to be miserable. Selfish as it initially sounds, it would be better for him to be miserable for a while, but make efforts to remain friends when he feels he's ready to go down that route (initially, it may be too painful for him to even think about that option, whilst he needs to get over you). The alternative is for you to reamin in a marriage as a loyal and devoted wife, but inwardly empty and miserable for the whole of that time. Personally, I feel the former is better. In this way, you can both ultimately pursue something which makes you both happy. Is he completely unaware of your disquiet, or does he know there's something not quite right? (if it's the former, I'm not surprised. Quiet, laid-back, complacent unadventurous spouses rarely 'wake up' to the fact their partners are climbing frustratedly up the wall.....)
Kasan Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Personally, I think your reasons stink! Yeppers, I think you are selfish and immature. Were you hoping that you could change him? You dated this man for seven years, so why did you even marry him? You knew what the compatibility quotient was, so again, I ask why did you marry him? I think your husband will mourn your leaving for awhile, but as so many do, move on and be grateful that he isn't tethered for life to someone who doesn't appreciate his loyalty, honesty, and hard working ethics. Please, I implore you, don't waste another moment of his life letting him believe that all is well and he has it all!! Good luck................and I sincerely hope that you find that the grass is greener on the other side.
Heroic Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 In 5 years you will resent him for taking the best years of your life. You'll divorce. 10 years after that you will look back and say stable looks pretty nice compared to all the fun boys that have left me after a night of drunken fun.
lisa hanif Posted February 20, 2009 Posted February 20, 2009 may i ask you is him being bad at having fun is the only problem or is it something else? such as hes not sensitive enough with your needs...or hes not romantic enough? i think if hes bad at having fun is really the only problem, i think you should stay... ask yourself... why you need a guy who is good in having fun but could not give you as much security in relationship? you could try to find new things that you two might enjoy together and if ur still bored ... just go on with doing your favourite activities with your girl friends.. sometimes it just us human beings... never really appreciate what we have until we lost it if u let him go...im afraid one day youll regret it... believe me... i've made the wrong choice and im suffering every minute of it..... good luck
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