my husband is my opposite

[RAR]

Hi everyone. I was hoping someone could help me- Its kind of a long story, but I will make it as short as possible. I met my husband in high school. He is sweet, honest, loyal, quiet, very hard-working and revolves his life around work and taking care of what he thinks I want. I am spontaneous, outgoing, like to always be doing interesting things, traveling, dancing, reading, going out. I work very hard too, but I believe that life is short, and think that having fun together is equally important. I want to enjoy my life. To me, having fun is right up there in priorities with work. Our differences are insane. I knew that from the beginning. I thought we would balance each other out.

 

He is a great guy, and we dated for 7 years before we got engaged. I never felt the sparks, but he was such a great guy that I tried to hang in there and feel them. Throughout those 7 years, I broke up with him several times. Always because he would promise to do fun things with me, and he would do one or two, and then get back in to his work-centered life. In this time, I also met someone who is very much like me. He works, but he goes away on the weekends, travels, goes out, has a very light outlook on life. Much like I do.

 

I broke up with my then-boyfriend many times for this guy, and every time I was very honest- I told him exactly why, and he knew who he was. He didn't care. He begged me to come back, swore up and down that he would change- that he would do anything to be with me. I told him over and over again- this is what I want, what I need, I am not going to "settle down" or change for you. You shouldn't have to change for me, either. I have always told him everything. I decided to make myself happy, and thought that in turn, I could be happy with him. I graduated college, have my own friends, hobbies. It didn't help that I wasn't sure if I could trust the other guy, and the instability with him scared me.

 

I knew that I could trust my boyfriend. He was, and still is, my very best friend who I tell EVERYTHING. When we would break up, his family (and mine) would call me and tell me how I was crazy for leaving him, and how he was devastated, he would do anything for me, he wasn't eating or sleeping. I missed my best friend. SO I went back. Over and over again until "suddenly" it was our wedding day. Even on that day, I was dreaming that the other guy would come and save me. Take me away from it. I knew that it wasn't right, but my friends and family had already done so much, helped pay. It was too late. My friends tried to talk me out of it; they said I wasn't myself when I was with him, but they helped me prepare for my wedding day anyway. So from that day forward, I decided that I wasn't giving it 100%, and if I did, it would work. I would be fine.

 

I did, after all, say "till death do us part". So I never talked to the other guy again, and I focused. I was comfortable, fine. We still didn't do anything fun together- I did everything with my friends. He wanted to save the money. Here we are a year and a half later, same situation. So I guess my question is, where do I go from here? I can be "happy" for a few months, but I always go back in to this "should I stay or go? what do I deserve? am I selfish for wanting to go?" I realize that I should have never let it get this far, but I did. He is a great, reliable, caring guy who would do anything for me, and who loves my family and they love him.

 

He is perfect in every other way, other than the fact that we don't have the "sparks", and we don't ever do anything. Everyone is going to tell me that I'm crazy. I don't know what is more important. Is it important to have someone who loves you more than anything, and who only wants to give you everything? Who you can trust, who loves you unconditionally? I know that it is hard to find. BUT.....am I settling, sacrificing a part of who I am and what I want? OR is my wanting to always have fun immature, something I should be growing out of? Do those things REALLY matter? Should I be with my best friend, and do the rest with my girlfriends? He tells me to do what makes me happy, so I travel without him, go out without him, everything- and he doesn't care. He just wants to be with me, and for me to be happy. So I guess I kind of have it made. Except for that whole passion/happiness thing.

 

I really appreciate any input anyone can give. Thank you

[Geishawhelk]

As far as I can tell, you should never have married him.

If you were at the altar thinking of another guy, and you're still there this time later, wondering what to do, the answer is simple, isn't it?

 

This marriage should never have happened.

Quite frankly, I think you're completely incompatible.

[carhill]

OP, in life, there is no panacea. As you grow older, you'll find that out. Your feelings are valid.

 

I can tell you my wife's biggest complaint has been that 'we never go anywhere'. As I've posted here prior, we've been to three continents and numerous other countries and locales here in the U.S., enjoying the myriad of friendships she and I have developed.

 

Here's the key....if she wants to go to a movie on Sunday and I say "no, I want to stay home", we don't go anywhere. It doesn't matter if we returned from Australia or Japan a week ago, it's how she feels.

 

I now know that is incompatibility. Her goals in life and the satisfaction she derives from it come to her in completely different ways than they do to me. I'm just as comfortable winging my way to Asia as I am sitting here at home eating lunch and posting to you. She's not. My actions really are irrelevant. The incompatibility is at the essential level.

 

You're looking for something. This man can't help you with that. My serious advice is, if you're not interested in taking a hard look at yourself and your marriage in counseling, divorce him and move on to the fun life you want. This is what I have told my wife.

 

Later in life I predict you will look back upon this and realized the process taught you an important life lesson. I hope so.