redmelon Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 My ex broke up with me just over a month ago, we were engaged and had been together for almost 2 years. He has a lot of issues and has made it clear that he made a huge mistake, wished he never broke it off and left, and doesn't know what is wrong with him that makes him act so impulsively in stressful moments. Our contact had been minimal since the break up, with 2 face to face meetings. Since mid-last week, I have gone no contact. Our last conversation included me saying that I had no indication that he would resolve his problems anytime soon, and so I was moving on. I have been seeing a therapist for anxiety for over a year and have been very successful at taming that beast. When an incident similar to this break up happened in May of last year, my ex asked if he could contact my therapist for a referral. I, of course, said that was fine. He ended up seeing a doctor in the same building, on the same floor, just 3 doors down from mine. We both have long standing, permanent appointments on Mondays, mine is from 5-6, his from 5:45 to 6:30. When I leave, he is there. So, yesterday in the middle of my session, he texts me. It says "I left your DVDs and picture frames in my doorway, if you want to pick them up after your appointment". This really angers me. I felt like it was an invasion. He knows I am in therapy, trying to work through our break up, and needs to add insult to injury by texting me? It's bad enough that I have to go there at all when he is there. Walk by his vehicle on my way to mine, etc. It was my place of comfort, and now it feels invaded. I told my doctor to please keep me on her radar if she has any other times become open, but right now she doesn't have any other open slots that wouldn't require me using vacation time every week. I think the thought of doing that is even more depressing, so I decided to hang tough and keep going at regular time for now. I just thought it was pretty low to do that. What do you think? Am I overreacting?
Author redmelon Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Oh, and I didn't go get my stuff, as it's all easily replaced, and I am not contemplating breaking NC over it. Just wanted some feedback about it, I still feel angry...
msjules Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Yes, that was very intrusive if you ask me. Did you tell you therapist about it? It says a lot about him and his lack of boundaries if you ask me. Good for you for not breaking NC and even better that you didn't get your stuff. By refusing to do so, you refused to play the game. Yes, I know it is bothering the hell out of you, but he doesn't have to know that. Your actions were a clear "NO" to him that he can't violate your boundaries. Way to go! Keep up the good work!
Ronni_W Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I'd be pretty pissed, too. Though it really does show his character, doesn't it? What is that -- inconsiderate, rude, arrogant, stupid, unaware, all the above? But I'd also be kicking my own ass for forgetting to turn off my pesky phone during a session. Did your therapist offer any observations/input?
Author redmelon Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I didn't check it during the session, but I heard it vibrating, and since most everyone close to me knows that I have this long standing appointment, I figured it must be something urgent, and checked it as soon as I left. I wasn't going to interrupt my appointment to check my phone. I don't know, it just really pissed me off. I have let him invade the one place I went to for respite, for myself, and it's my own fault. It's good that he is still going to his appointments and shows me that he is going for himself, and not for me or the relationship, and I think that's great. However, my intentions were good, and now I feel like they are biting me square in the arse. I guess he was giving me a taste of my own medicine since he could have easily bagged these items and left them by my car, or mailed them. He obviously wanted me to have to go to his house to retrieve them, and not make it easy for me, as he definitely should be doing, since the items in question were ones he took from my home "by accident" when he was moving out. They weren't things I left at his house, he took them. Whatever, it's all so petty and stupid!
msjules Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I was thinking about this situation earlier this morning as I was waking up. (I really need to stop reading here so much, LOL) and here's a thought. Something tells me he won't be as committed to his therapeutic process as you are to yours. If I am remembering correctly, he is not very insight oriented and tends to blame others for his problems. Folks like that don't tend to get their needs met in therapy and so I think he'll drop out after a period of time. And he may well just be going to mess with you right now. You never know.
Ronni_W Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I didn't check it during the session, but I heard it vibrating, ... I have let him invade the one place I don't see it as something you allowed to happen, though -- you have zero control over when he tries to contact you, so that part is ALL on him. But. If you weren't aware during session that you'd received a message from him, then your session is still 'pure' and wasn't intruded upon. [EDIT: That is, even if he was consciously trying to invade your space and privacy, he was unsuccessful!] Any chance this incident triggered some deeper, already-existing anger feelings? Not that he is or isn't thoughtless. But maybe he made the (obviously wrong) assumption that you turn your phone off completely during session...maybe that's what he does, so he (wrongly/narcissistically) thinks that's what everyone does. Regardless. Just keep doing what you need to do for your own well-being. To me, you made a wise decision to just forget the "stuff" and stay n/c. Hugs, and stay strong!
Author redmelon Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 So, I left work early today because of bad weather in my area. I pulled up in front of my house and see that there is something in between the storm door and the front door. It's a plastic bag of my items, also with some envelopes labelled to my ex and stamps, for forwarding his mail (which is still coming, by the way). It's a long way out of his way to come to my house, I am not sure what to make of this, but I am glad to have my things back without any effort or contact. He returned a few movies I didn't even know he had. So, how should I view this? I guess I will let my anger subside, for now...
Ronni_W Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 If I put myself in his shoes...he didn't want to hang on to what didn't belong to him, and he didn't what to throw out what belonged to you. He also didn't want to just dump it by your car, unattended. He gave you the option of picking them up, and then delivered them when it became apparent that you wouldn't be going over there. (IMO, that was his job to do, no matter the driving distance.) He didn't think to mail them. He's also done what he can to minimize your inconvenience about any mail that the senders haven't yet implemented his change-of-address notifications. In his shoes, I would feel that I handled everything that was within my control to the best of my ability, and in a mature way.
msjules Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I'm impressed. He got the message that you weren't going to be played with and he did the responsible thing. Of course, that probably tugs at your heart strings a bit because like you said in my latest post, when they are good, they are very, very good. I'm glad you got your stuff back with no effort. No lingering issues. I found out last night from my ex that he has held on to a pair of my earrings for all five months that we have been apart. I didn't even realize I was missing a pair. They are apparently still on his dresser, exactly where I left them, undisturbed after all this time. I believe this as he never was one to dust, LOL. They must be filthy by now! I was a little peeved to find this out, but this was apparently his little way of holding on to a piece of me. Your ex did a very healthy thing by letting go of your stuff and I commend him for that.
Trialbyfire Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Just wait and see what his reasoning is. He's either determined to move on by giving back your items or he's trying to get your attention, in some way...any way. You'll know if he attempts to communicate again. If he does, he wants a reaction from you, so he knows you still care or at minimum, wants you to acknowledge that he's alive.
Author redmelon Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Thanks everyone. I agree with the sentiments that he probably feels he is doing all he can to be reasonable (today, anyway), I am sure that's what he's thinking, most likely. I just feel like there has been something to do with him glaring me in the face every day this week, and it makes it really hard to focus. Even if it is returning to me the items he took from my house "by accident". Even if it is providing me with those envelopes over a month after he said he would. The mail continues to come, and I am pretty sure he lied about changing his address when he said he did, or it would have stopped long ago. It's just hard and annoying to have to go to the mailbox and see things for him, like a flyer from the jewelry store where my engagement ring came from. It just feels like sometimes I will never get free. Today feels like a little setback, and I have a pit in my stomach that won't go away. I just don't want anymore surprises, I just want calm and normalcy. It's been a slow dismantling, and I pray that this is the true end of it.
Ronni_W Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 like a flyer from the jewelry store where my engagement ring came from. Hugs, redmelon. Stuff like that, I'm pretty confident in saying he is likely not going to remember to change his address with them. I moved last year, and there were some organizations that I forgot about...and others that I just didn't bother about. Even if I remembered about a jewelry store, I wouldn't have bothered. If you want that to stop, which is totally understandable, my suggestion would be to send a 'change of address' yourself -- not to make his life easier...for your own well-being.
Author redmelon Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 I didn't expect him to change his address with each individual and place of business, I expected, and he assured me, that he was changing it immediately with the post office. This is something easily done online here. It takes 10 days maximum to go into effect. So each time a piece of mail is received by the post office with his name and my address, it is forwarded to him at his house and never gets delivered here. The post office will not allow you to change someone else's address, think of it from an identity fraud standpoint, and its a good thing. It's just annoying, but I have been dealing with it for over a month, so whatever. I just feel it's more evidence of how inconsiderate he is. A lot of my friends say that I should just bin his mail, or return to sender, but of course, I am too nice to do that, as a lot of tax papers and important mail has been arriving (and destroying someone else's mail is illegal). I just resent his selfishness. It's ridiculous that he couldn't even accomplish making that change, when I have had to do SO much to clean up the mess of him leaving. Take his name off of memberships and email lists, fight with the wedding venue to get $2500 back, stop newspapers, and on and on. I have to continue to deal with his laziness, and he suffers nothing. Thanks for your kindness, I just needed to vent. This day of anger will pass soon enough...
Ronni_W Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I totally get you about it being HIS responsibility, and wasn't talking about you changing it at the post office -- just on any individual stuff that causes an extra 'emotional stab' to your heart, when you see it...like the jewelry store. "Return to Sender" is actually a reasonable and sane tool for you to use. By not using it, you actually are being unkind to YOU...trying to "be nice" to him becomes your self-sabotaging act. (Plus, it's better than writing "deceased" on the bloody envelope and putting THAT back in the mailbox .) I know you're pissed off at him (I'd be, too), and that it will pass. In the meantime, though, your Self deserves you to "be nice" to it, yes?
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