samprez Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 So my MW (I'm MM) and I are now on our 5th break. However, this time the MW texted me, "so sorry, can't talk to you anymore, my H knows we have been texting." There was some more dribble and then, "Please don't text and respect my wishes." I responded that I was disappointed but not surprised and that I was angry with her (various reasons). She continued to contact me after I made her aware that my wife knew about us and yet when her H found out, she's running (btw, I understand this intellectually). She responded by saying that it was killing her that we couldn't be friends but she just can't. And that when we've tried breaks before they never worked. End of text. In the past, she has broken NC each time. Should I sent her a note saying, "never contact me again!!!" I know she's scared about her H but I have no reason to believe that she'll honor her own request once things settle down. Both of our spouses are aware that there has been some sort of relationship here. I feel if I don't state that she should not contact me, she will. Should I threaten to tell her spouse if she does? I'm trying to be strong. Everytime we start up again, I get on this rollercoaster and feel like I do today. I need to break the cycle. Thoughts?
Lizzie60 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I feel if I don't state that she should not contact me, she will. Should I threaten to tell her spouse if she does? yes that could help.. but you need to stand by your decision..
Lucky_One Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I'm not really sure, but I think that you want the EMA to be over? You don't want her to break NC? in that case, I would honor her request not to contact her (because that just gives her reason to respond, and then you respond, and then you decide to meet for lunch just to talk about this face to face, and then you are in the local no-tell). If she breaks NC, then simply ignore it. Block all avenues of contact (block her number, block her email, close joint email accounts, take texting off your phone, change your cell number)
Author samprez Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 I'm not really sure, but I think that you want the EMA to be over? You don't want her to break NC? in that case, I would honor her request not to contact her (because that just gives her reason to respond, and then you respond, and then you decide to meet for lunch just to talk about this face to face, and then you are in the local no-tell). If she breaks NC, then simply ignore it. Block all avenues of contact (block her number, block her email, close joint email accounts, take texting off your phone, change your cell number) Want an honest answer. I'm very confused; however, I know this. The rollercoaster is too much for me anymore. Ultimately, I need my rational mind to override my emotional mind. I have blocked her everywhere I can and I'm also smart enough to know that one click undoes any of this. The problem with these blanking relationships is that confusion is overwhelming. If this were a normal situation; we would talk it out, but the complexity of this is what makes it difficult. Frankly, I've always respected her requests, she's broken them. Also, I've seen this before. Her H will go back to being who he is and she'll long for me. I need to break this and feel if I don't finalize this for her, it remains open. Make sense?
Lizzie60 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 then you need to finalize it.. and stand by your final decision.
jj33 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 This is not about blame she does this or she does that. This is about you taking control. Which can be difficult. I have had a horrible problem with being very very reactive to various communications from x MM but my reaction is anger - not oh darling Ive missed you... But if you really want to end the EA. Dont respond at all. If you cant stand not responding then respond by saying (and not a book mind you just a line or two) I respected your request for NC please respect mine, you wont be receving any other communications from me. End of story. You have then told her just as she told you and you can ignore her with a clear conscience. She will know that she is not going to be hearing from you at all. She has done you a favor. If you want out this is your perfect opportunity. You can walk away without any more drama.
Author samprez Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 This is not about blame she does this or she does that. This is about you taking control. Which can be difficult. I have had a horrible problem with being very very reactive to various communications from x MM but my reaction is anger - not oh darling Ive missed you... But if you really want to end the EA. Dont respond at all. If you cant stand not responding then respond by saying (and not a book mind you just a line or two) I respected your request for NC please respect mine, you wont be receving any other communications from me. End of story. You have then told her just as she told you and you can ignore her with a clear conscience. She will know that she is not going to be hearing from you at all. She has done you a favor. If you want out this is your perfect opportunity. You can walk away without any more drama. So my therapist thinks I should sit by quietly and do nothing. He believes based on sessions that there is NO WAY she doesn't reach out to me again; whether it be next week or 3 months from now. He felt it important that I have a response strategy in place to deal with that when it comes. He obviously knows more about this relationship then I can write out here, but based on our knowledge of the MW, he feels that she is not capable of honoring her own time out.
Author samprez Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Funny enough, there is some blame to go around here. Mostly aimed at myself, but this is the reality of this type of relationship. As my therapist said, it's a normal relationship without the boundaries of normalcy.
LakesideDream Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 JJ, It's up to you to decide what's happening in your life. If it's over with this woman it's over. You don't have to read or respond to her texts, or other communications. The decision to do so it yours. Every decision in life comes with costs, and benifits. It's no different for you than anyone else. Weigh those costs and benifits and do what you need to.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Have you and your wife split up and divorced or separated? And yes, ofcourse the MW will reach out to you again..You always allow her back into your life after she breaks NC. She probably figures this dance will go on for a very long time.
Author samprez Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 You know, I have been living this crazy relationship for months; and it impacts my everyday. I'm up and I'm down and on the whole, I'm more down than up. It's amazing how this consumes you. And to some degree you feel like you have limited control over this because in a normal relationship (wife, normal gf, etc) you can overtly communicate, meet, talk and generate normal conversations. Here, it's done through quick f2f (our relationship wasn't very physical), text, IM and email. It's terrible. It's not right on so many levels and then you get into concerns about control and final word and stuff. The reality is I feel bad for everyone involved; willingly or not. I feel bad for the H, my W (hugely), her and myself. It's easy to paint those of us in this situation with a brush that says cheater or liar, but the facts are that these things happen and they do get away from us. My wife asked me if a year ago I'd ever think I'd be involved in something like this; and my answer was no. And yet, here I am. I'm not really angry at MW either, because she's a mom and a decent person too. Good people do end up in bad situations and make bad decsions. The problem is that when your heart gets involved the decisions become more difficult and the reality of what you're facing becomes more complex. It's very easy to reason, but it's very hard to act. I've been reading on this board for months before posting, and everyone here is in some sort of conflict. My MW wasn't saying that the relationship was over because she no longer cared, she is scared because our spouses know and the reality of losing her lifestyle is right in front of her. No easy thing (I know, the easy response is to blame her for getting involved and putting everything at risk), but again, these things take on a life of their own. Having now experienced it myself, I will never again be black and white judgmental of people who face this challenge. My point, even responding or not responding to NC is a challenge itself. MY MY and I have an extensive network of mutual friends (who know nothing about this) and will just by happenstance hear about each other from time to time. Technology has changed the reality of NC a bit. So I'm learning that this has to come from within ourselves to affect the change. Hardest challenge I ever have faced; but until you live it, the words on this site and others are just that words. I never would have thought I'd be seeing a therapist or that my wife would be as destroyed as she is. I didn't intend it and I don't like the outcome, but what I can do, or try to do is fix things and do the best I can. Sorry, I know this is a bit of a rant, but it helps me to write this. I was mad at MW yesterday becaused I felt she ran when the risk got ante'd up, and now a day later, who can blame her? Ugh.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Bottomline, you need to decide who it is you want. Your wife or the MW? If you choose your wife (that is, IF she's giving you a chance to work on the marriage and prove to her that you're trustworthy) then you HAVE to let go of the MW. It seems she isn't going to leave her marriage. If you choose the MW, then you have to let go of your wife..Your wife deserves to be loved and respected by a man who won't cheat on her. Either way, it's probably best if you were on your own for a while to sort yourself out.
Author samprez Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Bottomline, you need to decide who it is you want. Your wife or the MW? If you choose your wife (that is, IF she's giving you a chance to work on the marriage and prove to her that you're trustworthy) then you HAVE to let go of the MW. It seems she isn't going to leave her marriage. If you choose the MW, then you have to let go of your wife..Your wife deserves to be loved and respected by a man who won't cheat on her. Either way, it's probably best if you were on your own for a while to sort yourself out. Actually, I want my wife. I'm detoxing from MW. It's been very much like an addiction for me. I understand the shortcomings. I'm finally feeling like my head is coming out of the fog. Stupidly, I miss the sound of a text coming in as much as what was written on the text itself. It's hard to explain. But I hear what you are saying.
jj33 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Your response strategy is easy. If you really want your wife then when MW contacts you you say, "I love my wife please dont contact me again." End of story. Each time she contacts you same thing. Your wife knows. her H cant out you to her because she knows already. If you say that enough times, she will get the message. Ending these things isnt easy for any of us. But you dont owe MW ANYTHING. She throws you under a bus without a second thought. If you really love your wife now that you have seen how soul destroying this is, you will cut MW off immediately. If you are wavering, perhaps you are not as committed to your marriage as you seem to think? I appreciate the addiction. I still look at my phone sometimes expecting a text. But you know what? You get over it. Find someone else to text with. Text your children if they have phones, they will get a total kick out of it. Better yet, text your wife and tell her you love her. Several times a day. All the time you spent texting MW, if you spent that time texting W and telling her about your day, telling her how sexy she is... wouldnt that do wonders for your marriage? You need a new "buddy" MW has to be fired from that position. You know what. without reaching round to pat myself on the back that is a lot of it isnt it. If xMM had spent half the time telling his W about his day, texting random things (if she was interested) sending her flirty texts, perhaps there would not be so much distance between them and he wouldnt have had an A. Its that connectoin. I can imagine it is awkward to do that when things feel stale or distant . Its so much easier with a sexy stranger but its got to be done.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Actually, I want my wife. I'm detoxing from MW. It's been very much like an addiction for me. I understand the shortcomings. I'm finally feeling like my head is coming out of the fog. Stupidly, I miss the sound of a text coming in as much as what was written on the text itself. It's hard to explain. But I hear what you are saying. Then block her email address. Or open a new address so she can't contact you. Get a new cell number. Make it HARDER for her to contact you and easier on you so you won't get the urge to reply back. If you love your wife, you'll do counselling on your own, fix what's broken inside of you and then do MC with your wife and try to remember why you fell inlove with your wife in the first place. DO NOT allow yourself to wallow, fantasize or think about MW. Distract yourself when any thoughts of her come into your head. Yes, you're addicted to the feelings and how she made you feel. The affair-fantasy and intensity of it all.. Replace those feelings with hobbies, (join a gym or play a sport you love) focus that energy into friends, family, and ofcourse your wife.
Author samprez Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 FWIW, I am seeing my own therapist and we are seeing a couples therapist as well. I'm sitting on a lot of leather couches these days!!!
tchrgrl Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I know exactly how you feel about the waiting for the text sound on the phone. It is painful to check that phone and see no message. I am struggling with NC myself though it was never really agreed upon. We talked about ending the A and he said "let's do it now". I was shocked but felt it was for the best as I wouldn't have done it. Then he sent some generic, random texts the last couple of weeks and I didn't respond. He sent a 2 word e-mail and I let loose! Now when he didn't respond to that, I feel hurt and wondering if he'll get in touch again. He had been pretty terrible to me in certain situations so it's not like there's that much to miss but I can't get over those feelings attached to that time. I hope it gets better for you.
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