cek Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I'll keep my message short for now, and add more details as I go along. Basically, I was in a GREAT relationship with a guy, but didn't realize until after it ended that I unintentionally gave the wrong signals. Neither of us had been in a relationship before, and I had a lot of negative experiences growing up, that he did not have. Anyway, I had NO idea I was acting more like a friend than a girlfriend. About 6 months ago, he said he'd rather be just friends. I feel misunderstood. We both agreed that our relationship was too fast, and we had some misunderstandings regarding communication. He has expressed openness to trying the relationship again, but I'm not sure what to do to show him that I've learned from my experiences. I don't want to seem desperate, but I still want a 2nd chance to show I've learned some things. By the way, I fell in love with him during the process. I'm sure some will say it's just my 1st love, but I can honestly say that I truly feel he's the one for me. Any advice on getting out of the just friends zone? And again, I'll keep adding details. I didn't want to make my initial message too lengthy. Thanks. cek
troubadour Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Any advice on getting out of the just friends zone? If you beat him up he is not going to look at you as a friend anymore... at least I wouldn't.
Mary1977 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Communication is key....he has already said that he is open to try the relationship again. You have admitted that you have concerns about giving the wrong impression. So you need to communicate more. You must be careful to not go 'over the top' but to maybe just work on letting down a few of your defenses so you let him in and see the real you - however scary that may seem to you. Mary
Author cek Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Any advice on getting out of the just friends zone? If you beat him up he is not going to look at you as a friend anymore... at least I wouldn't. I'm not sure what you're implying, but I didn't "beat him up".
Author cek Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Communication is key....he has already said that he is open to try the relationship again. You have admitted that you have concerns about giving the wrong impression. So you need to communicate more. You must be careful to not go 'over the top' but to maybe just work on letting down a few of your defenses so you let him in and see the real you - however scary that may seem to you. Mary I did do some of that, which is what prompted him to express this openness to possibly trying again. I sort of feel like "now what?". It's difficult for him and I to talk much, due to our schedules. Also, I mentioned adding details as I go. Well, he and I are long distance, though I am moving closer there for school. We're also both physically disabled with the same condition. However, I ended up being less affected by it than he did. He also has an issue with my parents. I'm not sure why, they were never mean to him or yelled at him. He only knows that they do that to me. He has a great relationship with his parents. I don't know, maybe it means he still cares for me on some level? He and I are also the best of friends. I'm interested to hear the responses to these new details. But I appreciate your advice, quite insightful. Though I'm not sure how to find that balance of letting my guard down w/o going over the top.
Author cek Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 I've added a few new details regarding this relationship. I am still not sure how to move from that dreaded just friends zone, to being seen as potential girlfriend again. As always, I will continue to add details. However, I do not want the original message to be too lengthy. Mary, you advised letting my guard down a bit when speaking with him. As I mentioned, I have done that. My fear is that he might be overwhelmed by the familial and social turmoil I encounter in my life, that he never has had to deal with. Who knows how he might react then! Would letting my guard down regarding my emotions be what you're advising? I would appreciate any elaboration you may be able to provide. Any advice?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I've added a few new details regarding this relationship. I am still not sure how to move from that dreaded just friends zone, to being seen as potential girlfriend again. As always, I will continue to add details. However, I do not want the original message to be too lengthy. Mary, you advised letting my guard down a bit when speaking with him. As I mentioned, I have done that. My fear is that he might be overwhelmed by the familial and social turmoil I encounter in my life, that he never has had to deal with. Who knows how he might react then! Would letting my guard down regarding my emotions be what you're advising? I would appreciate any elaboration you may be able to provide. Any advice? My advice is leave your past in the past if you want a future with him then let it be just that a future! And if your past if that hurtful and you need to talk to some one about it see a professional counselor to work it Thu in private. Cause I think your right on the money he will be overwhelmed lean to enjoy the time you too have together don't let the past get in the way Best of luck... Spanks
Author cek Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 My advice is leave your past in the past if you want a future with him then let it be just that a future! And if your past if that hurtful and you need to talk to some one about it see a professional counselor to work it Thu in private. Cause I think your right on the money he will be overwhelmed lean to enjoy the time you too have together don't let the past get in the way Best of luck... Spanks Interesting you should mention counseling, as I am currently speaking regularly with a guidance counselor. It's a tough situation. As I mentioned, he and I are both physically disabled with the same disorder. I am less physically impaired by it, however, he has had MUCH less emotional turmoil from being bullied and such. We have both encountered many of the same things in life, however I experienced them on a much more intense level. He was teased a bit by classmates who were themselves unpopular and seeking attention, but otherwise he was quite popular himself. I was mercilessly bullied from the first day of kindergarten through my high school graduation, and literally had NO friends whatsoever. We also have VERY different family upbringings. His family is very loving and affectionate, and his parents have a wonderful marriage. Most of my family is either divorced or in unhappy marriages. No one is openly affectionate (except between women and children) and from a VERY young age, I was told that men are horrible, unreliable liars, and that I was better off having a successful career and not having anything to do with men. There is also a great deal of manipulation and even blackmail among relatives. And what do I end up doing? Falling in love with this guy. He and I have discussed these issues, and it is quite the double edged sword. On the one hand, he has outright said that he wants to know all of the details of my past, and even things that go on now. But on the other hand, I do not want to overwhelm him with all of turmoil that goes on in my personal life. Again, this is very difficult. Socially, he and I have had many of the same experiences, although mine were on a MUCH more intense level. In the family, we had very different upbringings, and to be quite honest, at times I find myself a bit envious of the familial relationships he has. So, the bottom line is how to respect his wishes by not hiding these things, without overwhelming him with such intense experiences. In fact, when we did discuss this, he wanted this knowledge of my experiences to be part of our future. It was then that he brought up the possibility of a future reconciliation. Now if I only I can get out of the just friends zone.
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