Khabarak Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Let me start by saying that I am a shy person. I'm not afraid to talk to people (in general), but I am afraid to be an annoyance. I definitely don't want to interrupt (when I'm not welcome). It creates a really awkward, uncomfortable situation for me. Once I know somebody, this fades quickly, and I can even be hard to shut up at times. Don't get me wrong though, I am a pretty confident person, and I'm become more so every day. I do feel that I have a lot to offer, but I struggle to find situations where I can meet people. I'm in college, but my major is almost completely devoid of any females. And when I say that, please understand that I mean it very literally. There are 3-4 girls in my major, one of whom is engaged to be married. Needless to say, my selection of girls in class is very limited, thus removing one good place for me to meet someone. I'm not a partier at all. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't do drugs (not even prescriptions -- I'm a healthy guy). Because of my chosen activities I am literally never invited to parties. In 4 years of college, I have not been asked to a single party. I could continue to list places where I cannot find what I'm looking for, but I guess I should just get to my question. The one place that I really have to meet somebody is in when I'm waiting between classes. I've spotted one girl that I wouldn't mind talking to, but the problem is I never know when she is going to be there, or whether or not I should approach her. It seems she is either busy talking to someone else, or doing homework/studying. I don't want to interrupt a conversation, and I know that sometimes I really need that time between classes to finish up some work. Do I just go up and say hello? Should I ask what class she is waiting for? Possibly offer help if I'm able in the subject she is studying (if she appears to be having trouble)? Honestly, what comes of it doesn't have to be a relationship, or even a date. I need friends, and so that would be more than acceptable. I just don't know how or when to approach anyone, particularly an attractive girl. So please, tell me what you think might be interrupting in a situation such as the one I mentioned above. What might be acceptable? Thanks in advance!
DollWelch Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 You are blowing this situation way out of proportion. Relax. It is not a huge hurdle you must overcome. Rather, it is something you'll be able to master over time. What's the worst thing that could happen? She'll pour her drink on your head! (?) Of course not! In my opinion, you are making up excuses not to approach this woman (or women). If you are interested, then simply strike up a conversation. You may think that it is ill mannered to disturb this woman, but given the right timing, she may be pleased to have someone (a man) make conversation with her. Believe me, she's probably bored out of her mind. Give it a try. I know there are about a thousand forces holding you from approaching, but this is no reason to back down. Do something, anything, to get the ball rolling. It takes time, and patience, but in the end, you'll you'll see results.
Ronni_W Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 When she is by herself, go up to her and say, "Excuse me?" And when she looks at you, smile and say, "Are you super-busy with that [point to her homework stuff], or do you have a moment for me to ask if you're available to go for coffee sometime?" Practice that until it feels totally natural. You're giving her the opportunity to say that she's busy BUT, even if she is, you've already asked if she has a boyfriend AND you've already asked her out.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 "Excuse me?" And when she looks at you, smile and say, "Are you super-busy with that [point to her homework stuff], or do you have a moment for me to ask if you're available to go for coffee sometime?" I'm sorry, but as a girl, I'd find the underlined part to be a little irritating. My thought would be, "No, I'm not busy with it at all - I sit here with my homework in hopes of being approached." LOL I don't know why, for sure - it just irritates me. Or maybe it just reeks of low self-confidence. You're giving her an "out" by even mentioning the homework. Just be confident. Go up with the thought in your mind that you are attractive, interesting, and any girl would be lucky to be approached by you and say something to her based on that. I'd go with, "I've noticed you here before and decided I just had to come over and ask you if you'd like to sit down for some coffee sometime." Of course, come up with something that is uniquely you. But don't leave that "out." She may take it just because you offered it - without even having a good reason.
prettybaby Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 smile and say, "Are you super-busy with that [point to her homework stuff], or do you have a moment for me to ask if you're available to go for coffee sometime?" lol That wouldn't work with me, sorry. I don't have coffee with people I've never talked to before. I do agree he should walk up to her though and say something. You see her once in a while, so no need to ask her out right away; you'll have more opportunities for that later. What you first want to do is break the ice. Say hey and ask her what she's studying. I'm pretty sure you won't be interrupting her that bad. You'll be able to sense that anyway once you start talking to her. If she's stressed out and needs to finish some urgent work right there, she'll give you clear hints in the way she'll react to you. Keep it light and casual. Don't set yourself any high goals from the start. Your main objective to begin with is to simply get her to talk to you a bit. Don't even worry if it doesn't turn into a fantastic conversation right away. Just a few words are enough at first. Then take it from there. You can talk to her more the next time you see her, etc. You'll see her around later on, no need to rush things, especially since you seem shy anyway. So give yourself time to ease into the situation and feel comfortable before you step it up a notch.
collegekid491 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 K, this post just reeks of insecurity, not that its bad because obviously your confident enough to ask advice . Girls are simple, Confidence! School is so easy too! Make a first impression and don't even ask for a number or plans, why? Because its somewhat consistent where she will be, doesn't take much of her time, helps you stand out, and it shows patience! Just open up with something creative yet broad, like 'thats a pretty impressive stack of papers, how are you still awake?'. Semi creative, open ended, doesn't look like you pondered it for hours, and once the conversation takes off for a bit, leave. After the first contact the 2nd time around if you did your job right she will recognize you, talking with be easier then the first time because of the reasons i said, and she may even think of some questions to ask you, if its not easier, abandon ship without putting yourself out there. The thing is, if she's hot, she's got guys approaching her all the time. The jist of the whole thing is that you want to stick out and be a little different, and you don't do that without putting yourself out there and reciting the same old lines she hears every weekend. Don't have to copy what I wrote, but hope it helps man. Best of luck!
Ronni_W Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I'd go with, "I've noticed you here before and decided I just had to come over and ask you if you'd like to sit down for some coffee sometime." Probably an age-thing (me being of the ancient variety .) For me, when a guy gives me an out, it shows that he is mindful that I may want to turn him down but that likely I'd want to do that in as nice a way as possible. I appreciate that he's made the effort to help me do that. Also, I like it if he's considered that I may already HAVE a boyfriend. The WHOLE POINT, though, is that Khabarak is not as confident and secure as he'd like to be around women. And it's not usually possible to just "put on" confidence like an overcoat, whenever one wants/needs. So. He's got to work with what he's got, and a gentler approach would better suit what he's got...is how I read his post.
Author Khabarak Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Ronni is very correct in saying that I'm not as confident and secure as I would like to be, but please keep in mind that I may not be as bad off as I seemed at first glance. My reasons were reasons, not excuses -- there is a distinction here. I was simply saying that many of the usual casual environments that people use are not present in my life. I admit that the whole bit about not getting invited to parties was mostly me feeling sad for myself. Also, I much prefer to leave people with options. If she has a boyfriend, she'll tell me with time. If she doesn't, I'll find that out too. I'm not the kind of person to be in a rush. As I said, friendship is a desire of mine as well, so either way I'm not wasting my time. This is also one reason I'm not going to go up to her and ask for a date. Being rejected like that right off the bat would make it fairly awkward to try to be her friend as she would probably fall into the assumption that I'm only after what I tried for first. Friendship, on the other hand, can turn in to more, so there would be no reason for her to assume I'm not interested. As someone mentioned, I do see this girl from time to time, so I'm in no rush with any of this. I have a good 2 months left before the end of this semester. I only ask what you might consider interruptions out of respect for the person I am considering approaching. Being interrupted is far and away one of the most annoying things to me, so I feel I should avoid doing that to other people. Now don't get me wrong... I don't blow up at one interruption, but I think you get the point. I just don't want to subject other people to things I find annoying. Having said all that, I do appreciate everyones input. In particular, I liked what prettybaby and collegekid491 had to say. I will continue to check back for more replies. Thanks again.
anotherworld Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Going back to the OP.... Why don't you search for an extra curricular activity to meet more girls? Say you did talk to that one girl and it didn't work out... Where are you left? And I hate to say this, but sometimes beginning to party a little is the way to go. I never did my first year, and soon everyone stopped inviting me... But then the next year when something clicked and I wanted to begin meeting more people and such, I had enough people I knew I could call to ask what was up. Partiers don't discriminate; it's not about being invited, it's about wanting to attend. And you don't have to drink, smoke, or do drugs. Even if you won't just sip on a beer, there are plenty of women at parties who are fine with talking to the one sober guy around. In many cases, you're sought out.
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