situation with ex

[silverbunny]

so, here's my pre story: i really like my ex - as a friend. we broke up twice (once in june, then august) and since then, we've talked things out, blah blah and i just like being friends with him still. i love talking to him because he and i share nearly identical taste in music, we share several friends, and i appreciate his input with questions i have.

 

however, i think i may have damaged this friendship. at christmas time, i gave him a present with a letter explaining my final thoughts about us. nothing about getting back together or me telling him his new girlfriend is a loser (even tho i've only heard crap about her). i recognize his new situation and will not interfere. i am not like that.

 

the other night, i decided to talk to him about an upcoming concert (having not talked since christmas break). i later asked why he didn't talk to me anymore and proceeds to say "prolly cuz you're an idiot" and then we delve into an argument about my letter.

 

i CLEARLY stated on the letter that he didn't have to read it and could throw it away. i summarized it so he would know generally what i was going to say. it was sealed, so he would have to break the seal to read it. well he did "out of curiosity" and nothiing else... or so he says.

 

if he read it, why is he mad? he chose to bring this anger on himself... i told him several times in this argument that he didn't have to read it and could have thrown it away like i thought he would, or talked to me IMMEDIATELY after reading it like i also thought he might. what does he say to that "you know i hate stuff like this. you knew it would piss me off"

 

yes, i knew this. but i didn't think this badly. *USUALLY* if something pisses him off, he confronts the problem, like i thought he would.

 

why this letter does he decided to react completely different than i thought? is it because the things i said really hit him close to the heart? and he's afraid of what i said? like he knows that i know he's lied to me (which he has - i've talked to his best friend and sister and found out things he is STILL lying to me about) and can't back down?

 

he likes to boast that he's a good bs-er and can make things up on the spot. he also will not let a fight down, even if he's wrong.

 

is it possible to fix this? if i could, i would go back to the day i printed the letter and not print it. i told him i still want to be friends. he has not talked to me or replied to that comment.

 

yes i sound like an idiot for wanting to still be friends. and i can guarantee most of the responses are "no contact" and just let it die.

 

but i REALLY, TRULY like his friendship. i wish he'd talk to me when i write things like this. after all he DID say "i wish you would have talked to me in person about this stuff instead of a stupid letter"..... well here i am... trying to talk to you in person... why aren't you talking?!

[diskey23]

first of all- come on. of course he was going to read the letter. you would have to be very unattached to who ever not to read it. from the little bit you wrote on here, it sounds like you cut him down pretty good. even if everything is true nobody likes to hear all the ****ty things about themselves. im sure youll be able to fix this eventually, ive heard of much worse things but youll probably have to give it time. im not saying NC, but maybe for a little bit. let things calm down.

 

really? do you just want to be friends? bc i have lots of friends & a few ex gf's, & i can tell you i wouldnt get a letter like this from a friend.

 

also, what kind of music do you listen to?

[Island Girl]

we broke up twice (once in june, then august) and since then, we've talked things out, blah blah and i just like being friends with him still. i love talking to him because he and i share nearly identical taste in music, we share several friends, and i appreciate his input with questions i have.

 

If that is the case - you have already talked things out quite a bit it seems and if you valued him as a friend - and only a friend - then you should have left well enough alone and been just that.

 

however, i think i may have damaged this friendship. at christmas time, i gave him a present with a letter explaining my final thoughts about us. nothing about getting back together or me telling him his new girlfriend is a loser (even tho i've only heard crap about her). i recognize his new situation and will not interfere. i am not like that.

 

What "final thoughts"? You have yet to explain what exactly you said in this letter and if you had already talked about the relationship ad nauseam. What were you really trying to accomplish?

 

i CLEARLY stated on the letter that he didn't have to read it and could throw it away. i summarized it so he would know generally what i was going to say. it was sealed, so he would have to break the seal to read it. well he did "out of curiosity" and nothiing else... or so he says.

 

You knew he would read the letter. Anyone would. It doesn't matter if you "summarized it" or that it was sealed. It sounds ridiculous for you to even write those things.

If you didn't care if he read it or not you wouldn't have written it and certainly would not have given it to him.

That is not the case.

 

if he read it, why is he mad? he chose to bring this anger on himself... i told him several times in this argument that he didn't have to read it and could have thrown it away like i thought he would, or talked to me IMMEDIATELY after reading it like i also thought he might. what does he say to that "you know i hate stuff like this. you knew it would piss me off"

 

Ahhh. I get it now. You wanted him to talk to you after reading it. That is what you hoped you would accomplish.

You wanted another discussion of whatever it was (you have not been forthcoming here even in anonymity). You tried to predict his reaction and even instruct him on what to do after. But people react as they are going to react and we can't predict that with such a degree of accuracy. You were taking a risk and it didn't work out in your favor.

 

BTW trying to remove your responsibility by telling him he didn't have to read the letter is pointless. You knew he would.

You expected him to be very angry if he did and he is.

But he didn't want to call you to talk about it.

He probably doesn't see the point of rehashing something that is over and done with.

It can not be changed.

 

And he has moved on to another girlfriend. So it is all in all pointless.

 

yes, i knew this. but i didn't think this badly. *USUALLY* if something pisses him off, he confronts the problem, like i thought he would.

 

Maybe he has had enough of confrontation with you. Maybe he thought by breaking it off - even mutually if that was the case - that he wouldn't have to have any more of those kinds of conversations with you.

 

why this letter does he decided to react completely different than i thought?

 

Because people don't always do as we expect.

 

And really he didn't react completely differently. You expected he would be angry. He is.

 

You just expected he would want to talk to you about it, I suppose to "work it out", but he doesn't. That is the only difference.

 

is it because the things i said really hit him close to the heart? and he's afraid of what i said? like he knows that i know he's lied to me (which he has - i've talked to his best friend and sister and found out things he is STILL lying to me about) and can't back down?

 

He is angry and that may be due to feelings of hurt. Who knows? He does. He is the only one and he isn't talking.

 

You've talked to his best friend and his sister about your relationship? Bad move if you were together. Even worse now that you aren't.

It just shows you really haven't moved on and that you are still digging around in the grave of what is dead and gone.

 

is it possible to fix this? if i could, i would go back to the day i printed the letter and not print it. i told him i still want to be friends. he has not talked to me or replied to that comment.

 

Are you prepared to get absolutely real about what you want and why it was so important to you to get out your "final thoughts" with hopes of a discussion?

That is what you need to get to the bottom of. You had ulterior motives. What they were I have no idea but it sounds like you wanted to call him out and point out what a bastard he was and that he hurt you.

 

If that is the case why would he want to be friends with you?

 

but i REALLY, TRULY like his friendship. i wish he'd talk to me when i write things like this. after all he DID say "i wish you would have talked to me in person about this stuff instead of a stupid letter"..... well here i am... trying to talk to you in person... why aren't you talking?!

 

It doesn't sound as if you were great friends before you dated. So were you?

 

Because if not then he has a new girlfriend and is getting all of the enjoyment he had with you by spending time with her now.

 

He may not see what the point is in putting effort into talking to you about this when he has been hurt and angry. It seems the easier path is to just close the door and write you off.

[silverbunny]

i listen to like powerpop/electronica/pop rock stuff. mercy mercedes, boys will be boys, the maine, owl city... that stuff

[silverbunny]

@Island Girl - wow... long response... appreciated.

 

well the letter was about us. i told him that i was just getting out thoughts i had. i mentioned several girls that he liked IMMEDIATELY after breaking up (which means he had to have met them while we were going out because the one girl he started talking to... you don't just "pick up" a friendship with her. she's in it for one thing). i didn't accuse him of anything with them intimately or relationship wise. i just asked him why he would suddenly be friends with the type of girls they are (they're all ... sluts basically at my high school - the almost total opposite of me).

 

then i mentioned things about our relationship, things i would miss, memories i would never forget, things i should have said, etc. i didn't try to say "lets get back together" at all. i know he has ended his "romantic" feelings for me.

 

then i told him to talk to me if he needed to. if he wanted to correct me if i was wrong or fix something i possible said wrong. i really thought he would. otherwise i wouldn't have given the letter to him.

 

the only reason i went through with it was i felt extremely confident he would talk to me about it. i really truly did.

 

from what you've said, you don't think this will blow over easily... i will say that previously i straight up accused him of not caring in our relationship and told him he never tried to be a boyfriend... and then still talked to me a few months later. personally, i think that was worse than this.

 

i don't know. i overthink situations, which is why im here.

 

we still haven't talked since last wednesday when the argument happened.

[silverbunny]

You had ulterior motives. What they were I have no idea but it sounds like you wanted to call him out and point out what a bastard he was and that he hurt you.

 

If that is the case why would he want to be friends with you?

i didn't want to call him out. i wanted a conversation. i was finally feeling brave enough to talk to him about things i should have right after we broke up once and for all. and it blew up. i never yelled at him or anything. i reread it and, even tho i wrote it, there is nothing in there where i made him sound like a bastard.

[silverbunny]

really... the letter was about me apologizing. im rereading it now. i start off by saying i wanted to apologize for things i said. and then i move from section to section apologizing for things i did. things i didn't do. things i wish had happened. towards the end i saidi would probably never find a guy like him because he fit what i was looking for so well.

 

i don't know why i wrote it anymore. usually writing things clears my head. this just made things worse. the one time i do the single form of relaxation for me, it ends up blowing up in my face.

[Island Girl]

well the letter was about us. i told him that i was just getting out thoughts i had. i mentioned several girls that he liked IMMEDIATELY after breaking up (which means he had to have met them while we were going out because the one girl he started talking to... you don't just "pick up" a friendship with her. she's in it for one thing). i didn't accuse him of anything with them intimately or relationship wise. i just asked him why he would suddenly be friends with the type of girls they are (they're all ... sluts basically at my high school - the almost total opposite of me).

 

Did this have any bearing on your friendship? If he met them while you were going out - and you aren't any more - does it really matter?

If he now wants to hang out with "sluts" or girls that are the opposite of you - why would you care?

If he is just a friend why does it matter or need to be said? He didn't need to hear it but you needed to say it - why is that?

I think there is more to your feeling than just a lost friendship here.

You want answers for what has happened in your past relationship.

NOW that things are going the way they are going you are thinking about the friendship, but when you were friends you were clamoring for information and answers. Some of which is none of your business anymore.

 

then i mentioned things about our relationship, things i would miss, memories i would never forget, things i should have said, etc. i didn't try to say "lets get back together" at all. i know he has ended his "romantic" feelings for me.

 

This combined with what I said above - if I got a letter like this I'd feel it was manipulative.

 

If he no longer has romantic feelings for you then this could be seen as an attempt to have him feel nostalgic or something.

He must have thought everything was said in the post-relationship talks (as I would) and didn't want to keep having to go through it. Most guys hate that crap in the first place.

An after things are over from their perspective they REALLY hate it.

 

then i told him to talk to me if he needed to. if he wanted to correct me if i was wrong or fix something i possible said wrong. i really thought he would. otherwise i wouldn't have given the letter to him.

 

Again, I don't think he wanted to talk about any of it anymore. I think he has moved on and is not looking back in any way shape or form. The letter was just trying to pull him back to where he was just after the break up when you were talking about it.

 

I think this letter would be seen as an attempt at being emotionally manipulative and that you aren't over it.

If he read it that way, then he is just viewing you in that way.

When I have received letters like this it causes me to avoid the writer like the plague.

 

the only reason i went through with it was i felt extremely confident he would talk to me about it. i really truly did.

 

So that was really the goal right? That you wanted another talk about everything and some kind of a closure?

 

But he already had closure. He was already done. He didn't want to talk about any of it or he would have.

It is a chapter of his life that is closed.

He thought it was for you too. But then you give him this letter that shows you are still thinking about it and caught up in it.

 

I think you may have shown him this side of you when you were dating and he never liked it. Now that you are over and have shown him this is how you are as a friend too he just doesn't want any part of it.

 

from what you've said, you don't think this will blow over easily... i will say that previously i straight up accused him of not caring in our relationship and told him he never tried to be a boyfriend... and then still talked to me a few months later. personally, i think that was worse than this.

 

It may have seemed worse to you but he was still somewhat emotionally invested at that point. He still cared and you had a very defined place in his life.

 

It sounds like he has a new girlfriend and lots of new girls he talks to and is friends with. Now he has a lot to focus on and that place is no longer empty.

As a friend you'd be an additional piece.

But if you are a source of emotional crap he's going to rid himself of that. He has a girlfriend and that gives him plenty of emotional stuff to deal with.

 

i didn't want to call him out. i wanted a conversation. i was finally feeling brave enough to talk to him about things i should have right after we broke up once and for all. and it blew up. i never yelled at him or anything. i reread it and, even tho i wrote it, there is nothing in there where i made him sound like a bastard.

 

Should have, would have, could have.

 

But you didn't and sometimes we just have to realize that the moment is gone. That we didn't get to say whatever but the relationship is now over so the conversations about it should be over too.

 

BTW the reaction is in the reading not the writing.

 

When he read it possibly there were things said that caused him to feel guilt or frustration (if your perspective is incorrect) and he is just finished with any of those feelings, the relationship as it was, and having conversations about it. I'm sure there were plenty during. Once a person is done they are done and rehashing just gets incredibly redundant and stupid.

 

really... the letter was about me apologizing. im rereading it now. i start off by saying i wanted to apologize for things i said. and then i move from section to section apologizing for things i did. things i didn't do. things i wish had happened. towards the end i saidi would probably never find a guy like him because he fit what i was looking for so well.

 

It sounds emotionally manipulating and like you aren't over it.

 

i don't know why i wrote it anymore. usually writing things clears my head. this just made things worse. the one time i do the single form of relaxation for me, it ends up blowing up in my face.

 

Maybe you could take this as a lesson. Write things all you want but then BURN them or at the very, very least, keep them to yourself.

 

I wish things hadn't gone this way for you.

It just shows how truly incompatible you really are with this guy.

So now you are free to find someone who resembles the same relationship style as you. That should bring you a whole lot more happiness.

[silverbunny]

so basically what you're saying is... he and i are better off apart? like not talking because of everything thats happened?

 

o and to your suggestion of writing things and then burning them or keeping them - i do. i have a real life journal i write in and an online blog. i have since we broke up. or i talk to friends that don't talk to him so i know things won't get back to him or any of his friends.

 

the more i look back at the post-break up, the more i realize how manipulative i really was. i really wanted him back and would do anything. it's hard to admit, but it really is the truth. i REALLY wanted this guy back.

 

but live and learn. it's hard to accept this but... where would life be without living and making mistakes to learn from?

 

thanks for any input too