Dolorian Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I'm still madly in love with my ex girlfriend. Although she is not officially dating her ex boyfriend, she is thinking about it. She just wants us to remain friends because she just can't make herself feel the same way about me. He is her first love and they broke up plenty of times. Even when she dated someone, she dropped that person for that guy. We dated for 6 months and now he is back in her life again. Her family nor her friends like him, but she just can't let go. Even though she doesn't say it directly, he is something like her soul mate. She even told me that he haunts her and no matter what she will always have feelings for him. I'm usually not that guy but I told her if she values our friendship or whatever we had, she won't date him again. While this is selfish of me, I have to do that for myself. I'm the emotionally attached one and I even gave her a promise ring on her 21st birthday. That's how serious I took it. I dated plenty of other women but none made feel this way. I'm also 21. Turning 22 later this year. I know that it's obvious that I should just let her go, but yet I can't stop thinking about her. I don't want her to be with that guy. I visited her today, and I saw pictures she took with him and although I didn't say anything, it nearly killed me. I feel like I have issues and sometimes I really just want to talk to a psychiatrist. Or just someone who helps me with my issue. Friends or parents don't count because they will just have a biased opinion. The thing is she says she loves me. She loves me as a best friend. Sometimes she loves me more than just a friend. I think that's pretty two-faced of her. Well, however, I don't know how to deal with that. I want more from her. I want to be in love with my best friend. She told me several times that I'm perfect but that special "something" is missing. I told her that it has to grow in a relationship, but I think she only listened with one ear. I don't know if she will date him officially soon, but I can't stand knowing that. I mean even then, she wants to stay friends. But that might just not be possible. I don't know, it's kinda complicated. All this happened before. It's not the first time. I should've learned from my first time. Maybe I'm too naive. I know I'm young and there is probably someone better out there, but right now, it just plain sucks. It felt good to write my feelings out, yet I'm depressed. I hoped someone's words might help me calm down a little and give me some insight.
carhill Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 You sound normal. Get about a half-dozen more similar experiences under your belt plus a bad marriage or two, and you'll be 50 Don't be her friend. You're not her friend. You WERE her boyfriend. She gave up all rights to your friendship when she dumped you. She is not your friend and will merely use you for an emotional tampon. She will do so with a gentle nature and nice words but you will become her emotional whore nonetheless. Do I sound bitter? :D Seriously, don't consider contacting her until you've processed your pain and can imagine her with her ex/new BF and not feel bad about it. Then, and only then, can you be happy for her like a true friend should be. Once the pain lessens a bit, ask someone else out. Maybe one of her girlfriends LOL..
MeMyself&I Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I mean even then, she wants to stay friends. But that might just not be possible. I don't know, it's kinda complicated. All this happened before. It's not the first time. I should've learned from my first time. Maybe I'm too naive. I wouldn't say you are naive. You are just in love with her and thinking with your emotions. You are not capable right now of being just a friend. You will emotionally drain yourself trying to maintain that kind of relationship with her and you also don't want to be in the "friend" category with her it is clear. I see it like this. You say it's all happened before and it's not the first time and you should have learned from the first time. It appears to me you keep letting her back in the way she keeps letting her ex back in. She has to realize that her relationship with him is over (if she ever does). Until she is over her feelings for him, she cannot give them to anyone else....this includes you. Now you are in the same boat. You keep letting her back in. Until you realize the relationship is unhealthy and she can't give you what you need now...if ever....you can't move on either. She's got you on a yo-yo. She tries to work it out with her ex and when she can't she turns back to you. You're her fall-back guy. Don't let yourself be that guy. I know this is easier said than done. You love her. But you need to distance yourself from her. Tell her that you value yourself too much to keep putting yourself through this emotional rollercoaster. You have made your feelings clear. She knows you love her. Tell her she is no longer a part of your life and that you are moving on. This is not a reflection on your lack of feelings for her but a statement of the respect you have for yourself and how you deserve to be treated/happy. In the long run she will respect you for standing up for yourself. If she thinks you are always going to be there she never has to make any decision/choice concerning her feelings for you. If you leave and she doesn't come back, it will be hard. But you've never really had her anyway since she continues this unhealthy attachment to her ex and keeps going back to him. So you really aren't any worse off than you are now. If she does come back, you will have to decide if you are willing to take the chance she is really over him. Maybe the distance will make you realize that you are better off without the emotional turmoil she causes you. Maybe if you take this time to work on yourself you will find happiness without her. Meet new people, find new hobbies and join a gym (you may do some of these already). You may want to look at some of the threads in the Second Chances thread and read about the No Contact approach. It is a way of distancing yourself from your Ex and the situation so you can heal and work on yourself. Gradually the pain fades away. Often an ex will contact you but you are to remain in no contact until you feel you are emotionally stable enough to interact with them again. This is usually a minimum of a month but is usually recommended much longer. Although the Ex usually continues to make contact the goal of No contact is not to win them back but to center yourself emotionally. Once in a while a reconciliation results but often times the dumpee (such as yourself) has healed enough to see they don't want/need the relationship and no longer wants a reconciliation or you may have even already moved on to another healthier happier relationship. I hope this helps. I am in no way an expert and am fairly new to the forum. But I have been reading the posts for a long time after breaking up with my boyfriend a month ago.
Author Dolorian Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 You sound normal. Get about a half-dozen more similar experiences under your belt plus a bad marriage or two, and you'll be 50 Don't be her friend. You're not her friend. You WERE her boyfriend. She gave up all rights to your friendship when she dumped you. She is not your friend and will merely use you for an emotional tampon. She will do so with a gentle nature and nice words but you will become her emotional whore nonetheless. Do I sound bitter? :D Seriously, don't consider contacting her until you've processed your pain and can imagine her with her ex/new BF and not feel bad about it. Then, and only then, can you be happy for her like a true friend should be. Once the pain lessens a bit, ask someone else out. Maybe one of her girlfriends LOL.. I do feel emotionally abused. I still do everything for her. I told myself to stop but still end up doing it. If I don't contact her for a while, she just gets mad at me and accuses me of being a jerk and just like every other guy. She threatens me to end our friendship. Three-four days later, she apologizes somehow. She texts or calls. I think you are absolutely right. Sick thing is, I knew all of this before. I AM her emotional whore. I don't want to be but I don't want to be that jackass either. Or should I just suck it up? Here I thought I'm somewhat mature, yet I sound like a little 13 year old boy (no offense to anyone, just a metaphor).
Author Dolorian Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 I see it like this. You say it's all happened before and it's not the first time and you should have learned from the first time. It appears to me you keep letting her back in the way she keeps letting her ex back in. She has to realize that her relationship with him is over (if she ever does). Until she is over her feelings for him, she cannot give them to anyone else....this includes you. Now you are in the same boat. You keep letting her back in. Until you realize the relationship is unhealthy and she can't give you what you need now...if ever....you can't move on either. She's got you on a yo-yo. She tries to work it out with her ex and when she can't she turns back to you. You're her fall-back guy. You are right. I do let her back in. Every single time. I do know it's unhealthy. I also do want to move on. Away from her. It just hurts to know that in the process I might lose a dear friend. I feel like I have to watch over her. Because I do know everything about her and I thought of her as the perfect woman. That woman you love with all your heart and give your all. I hate that jackass. I'm a pacifist and prefer words over actions, but he's the only guy I do want to let my anger out. And she is just stubborn and I think she does have some weird (immature even) issues with him.
MeMyself&I Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 You are right. I do let her back in. Every single time. I do know it's unhealthy. I also do want to move on. Away from her. It just hurts to know that in the process I might lose a dear friend. I feel like I have to watch over her. Because I do know everything about her and I thought of her as the perfect woman. That woman you love with all your heart and give your all. DOLORIAN, I Really understand. I have gone back to my Ex a few times. This last time I broke up with him. I miss him and I not only mourn our relationship, but also our friendship. We have a lot of mutual friends so it is hard to see them continue to have a relationship with him yet I, the one who's been closest to him, am nothing to him anymore. But I am not fooling myself into believing we can be friends--at least not now. I try to remember these things when I'm feeling sad and vulnerable 1) I was/am a great and valuable person before I met him. He does not define who I am, 2) I have friends and family who love me, 3) Time heals, 4) I love him but need to not romanticize the relationship. There were good times but there were obviously problems too, and 5) although I don't feel like it or want it now, there will be another chance for me at happiness with someone else. And by finding happiness in myself instead basing it on whether my ex loves me, I will become a better more attractive person to others and for myself. One of my favorite quotes & I've had it on my Myspace forever is-- "Never make anyone a priority when you are only an option" I did this and so are you. I never felt important to my ex. Everything came before me--video games, friends and what he wanted. You are not her priority you are the option she has to fall back on when things go bad with her ex. I also saw somebody's quote on here that said, "The purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love & respect it" Don't be that doormat. Everytime she leaves you she wipes her feet on you and grinds your heart into the ground. You/We/I deserves love and respect from those we care about. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel now. Many of us are doing the same things otherwise we would not be here. But the important thing is to realize and move on knowing that whether you are with her or not, you will be a stronger person. "That which hurts us makes us stronger" Good luck, I'm rooting for you!!
Narf Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 :/ This situation sucks... Im sorry you are in it, cause i have been there... As you already know you need distance from her, she is not giving you what you want and being around her and not being with her is painful. Try to start distancing yourself.. When you want to call her, call another friend. Her being angry at you is manipulation.. She knows she isnt giving you what you want, she knows she is causing pain but she continues... Only you can stop this. She will get angry and upset cause you are taking her cake away from her. Dont let it sway you, she is in the wrong! not you.. She is causing you pain! And she knows it.. She is not a friend. She is selfish...
Author Dolorian Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Don't beat yourself up for how you feel now. Many of us are doing the same things otherwise we would not be here. But the important thing is to realize and move on knowing that whether you are with her or not, you will be a stronger person. "That which hurts us makes us stronger" Good luck, I'm rooting for you!! Thank you. I can need support right now. We just went to the movies together (mutual agreement) and I told her I'm going to hang out with her brother (we discussed this about 6 months ago and we finally just set a time) for a few hours on Friday. She flipped on me. Like crazy. Her whole family loves me and always asks where I am and what I'm up to and since she is gonna date her ex-boyfriend (the one nobody in her family likes or will ever accept) she doesn't want to hear that from her family. She is almost annoyed by it. She thinks I'm doing this on purpose but I really wasn't. Her brother is a cool guy and we planned on having a few drinks for a while now and we just found a time that works for us both. Am I really wrong here? Am I invading? This is so unfair. I called her brother just now and let him know that I probably can't hang out with him anymore because his sister is very upset about it. I told her that she can screw herself and that she really isn't a good friend. She is limiting with whom I want to hang out with. I'm free to do whatever I want now. We are not dating and just friends according to her..I don't know. I'm getting more and more upset with her. To a point, my insides hurt.
Author Dolorian Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Her being angry at you is manipulation.. She knows she isnt giving you what you want, she knows she is causing pain but she continues... Only you can stop this. She will get angry and upset cause you are taking her cake away from her. Dont let it sway you, she is in the wrong! not you.. She is causing you pain! And she knows it.. She is not a friend. She is selfish... You are right. She is manipulative. But if you read my previous post above, I think I hit a point today where I am just done with it. Done with her control. I hurts a lot. She is so gorgeous and has this awesome personality, but she is also has A LOT of issues. I tried everything to help and make her happy but it never was enough..
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 So, why am I not surprised she dumps the guy the family likes for the guy the family hates? :D Psych 101.... OP, beauty is as beauty does. I'm not seeing much gorgeous here, TBH...
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