Trucabelle Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 ooo God where to start... 2 months ago if you peeked into my life you wouldve seen a happy marriage and two people enjoying the birth of their first child. If you peek into it now you would see those same two people cross country from each other trying to figure things out..how did this happen? To start we met and started dating at 21 we moved into together later that year and got engaged by new years eve. He got deployed and i planned a wedding..we communicated by email and our love just grew more and more. We did have an issue when my roomate emailed him that i had been cheating (turns out she watned him for herself) he cut off communication with me and called things off. After getting some of my emails he decided that he believed me and still wanted me to meet him in Hawaii which i did and we made up. We came out of it stronger then before and tied the knot in Feb 04. We had a pretty happy marriage and tried for a few years to have a baby, we went through a few losses and in 2008 went through IVF and produced a beautiful little girl who was born 4 weeks early in Oct. she was pretty healthy and only stayed in 5 days. things were just amazing. Shortley after we found out his half brother took his own life and left behind his family, DH wasnt really close to him he was sad but went on with our life. He was getting out of the Navy in early 09 and had the task of finding a job and selling our house. We knew we were short on time with having Pei early but we took it in stride. I flew out to CA to visit family and he worked on the job prospects. In early Dec he got a phone call that changed everything. His brother whom he hadnt spoken to in a year due to some issues had shot himself, before he had gotten into drugs they were very close. My husband felt so guilty about everything and when I got to Tx something had changed. He was very withdrawn and i understood that this was going to be tough. We got back to SC where we lived and 2 weeks later he told me that he had fallen out of love with me we had been fighting off and on about feelings (grieving) for those 2 weeks and during one of them he told me he wanted to be alone. He wanted a divorce. We stayed under the same roof for another month and a half fought everyday over it, (mostly me) and just got no where. Eventually when the last week in town came we had a great week we talked about just separating for the next 90 days (its when he's eligable for vacation time to see us) and seeing what happens. Over the next few days he agreed to come to texas with us (my half way point to ca) and spend time together. We did it went pretty well we were still sleeping in the same bed this whole time..when he said he lost feelings for me he also stopped wanting anything physical like kissing he said it just felt uncomfortable. But in Tx things turned around a bit he was comfortable with kissing and being close, we had good times together we talked without fighting..it seemed like the stress of trying to get things together to move had gone away and allowed us time. But there were 2 days that we did fight and exhaust ourselfs wasting a day. It was more over my insecurity about separation. We did end on a good note, he gave me a hug and a kiss and said see you later. He is now in IL at his new job living in a hotel till he can get into an apt i am in CA with my parents with our daugther. We spent the first 3 days fighting or me starting thema nd him hanging up on me. Our anniversary was yesterday he woke me up with happy anni on a text but later that day told me there was no emotion behind it he just said it. thsi was after a fight of course. Everyone from my dad to his mom and friends in between are telling me his actions by calling me still everyday and not just talking about our daughter is a good sign he calls me to tell me about his day and what he's going to do later. He calls me before he goes to bed to say goodnight. They feel he needs to get through his grief on his own that he is getting selttled in IL so he can bring us up there that he just needs space and time. He stopped saying im not in love with you, but he hasnt said I love you again..so its just so confusing we havent filed anything and the only time he brings it up is in a fight to hurt me. We have agreeded seeing others is not allowed and he stated this isnt about wanting anyone else this wasnt pre planned that we were happy before J killed himself that something in him changed afterwards that caused him to lose that feeling for me. In my heart i know he loves me, i also know im my heart i just have to shut up and realize he's never cheated me before, he's never given me a reason not to trust him and just wait this out. Just be there for him and love him...but why cant i connect that to my brain that is trying to tell me to give up? He tells me he has faith in my faith in us. That ive been right before and that he's treating this like a deployment (we've had 2). Im trying to define what that means..My Faith in us is that our love is strong enough to beat this..but again the head wont stop trying to put thoughts in my head..like he met some ex navy guys at a pizza place and made some friends i took it as oh if he can meet guys to hangout with then whats stopping him from meeting girls..hes told me over and over again he wants no one else. Im so frustrated the last 2 days ive spent in bed just analyzing anything i play with my daugther and love on her but then she goes to sleep and i start to think too much. My heart is so broken being apart from each other. Would he really not be calling me if he wanted a divorce? Does grief really f someone up this much? WHy does everyone tell me you hurt the one you love the most? Im so confused, hurt and im suppose to be the strong one his rock? How where do i find strength like that? Okay long enough...someone anyone help!!
doomed Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 You are supposed to be his rock, but just one of them, not his only source of strength and support. He needs grief counseling. You both need marriage counseling, although that one would be tough long distance. I don't know how long you've been together, but he's going through a lot of changes that have him not thinking clearly. Falling in and out of love with your spouse is actually normal, its the rekindling of love that is the magic and the work of a marriage. If you trust him, then trust your vows to get you past the rough patch, but don't let up on him getting grief and marriage counseling. Somebody else said so elsewhere, and I love this: If he wants a divorce, then he should earn the right to walk away by going through marriage counseling with you and really identifying why divorce is the right solution. doomed
Author Trucabelle Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Thank you..right now hes in the mind set that he doesn't need counsling that he doesn't want advice on his marriage he wants to work it out in his own head. We all know he needs grief counsling thats a given but getting him to open up to a stranger is very hard, he's seen one in the past for dealing with his dad when he was younger and i guess they touched off some bad feelings in him so he thinks its a waste. We've been together for 7 years married for 5. Im getting counsling no matter what. I know he's been talking to his best friend about things which is a step because before he didnt want to talk to anyone about what was going on with him..He said when that whole crap happened with the engagement he threw himself into work but still thought about us and was somehow able to figure out in his head to stay together he says thats what he's doing this time. We did talk very early this am via text while he was driving to work he wanted to tell me he didnt sleep well but said it was over studying that did it..i kinda feel sleeping alone is getting to him but it takes him awhile to see things ya know..like he'll say its this..but i know its not and then a week later he realizes oh yeah she was right..im trying to take it all in stride we had no fights last night once i let go of my stupid girl fears. So day 5 of separation started on a good note i guess. But thank you for your response i will be thinking about my vows..even though he says sorry for breaking his by doing this separation..i think he's so confused right now. Well have a good day..
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