brandedX Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Ok. I have a privacy concern regarding my email account. I feel that the two I have are private, though I have offered to show the account inboxes at random times to my wife. I've even offered to show her the accounts at any time, and will if she asks. I have nothing to hide, excepting this account but I feel I am at my wits end. She has threated to end the marriage on account of this. I think this is extreme. I would gladly show her anything except the correspondences that I receive from a marriage counselor and say personal messages from my family. These I feel are private. She claims she'd never look at my email. With that, I do not understand why its such an issue. I understand it to be a trust thing. Our relationship was pretty rocky a few years back, though all that has been reconciled. So I feel the rough period is behind us. btw, it did not involve cheating. Just a lot of fighting. My wife is upset because of some soft porn video I viewed online before we were married -basically looking at a Sports Illustrated magazine. I had forgotten totally about it and couldn't remember looking at it. I was my last "thing" as a bachelor -pretty tame I would say. She is offended by it. No it wasn't right, but that was the extent of it. Ok, she has caught me in a couple of lies having to do with what I feel would be "non deal breaking" , which she has held against me. I lied, I admit it but it was basically to save face and not anything outright which impacted my wife or our relationship, per se`. One example was when I said I did the dishes, intending to do them later, and she finding out they had not been done. So I think I may have told her I'd give her my passwords, with the understanding it would be at the time they are required by her. A white lie? She's calling me a liar because I am not handing them over. I mean, what would keep me from keeping a secret email account? The whole thing with this account is that I would wish her to respect me. Is this required to gain her trust back. On one hand, I almost do not care but I do like to have my privacy. Have I been so bad to warrant this? There have been other accusations ranging from my exes to prostitution -all unfounded. I guess it all depend on ones environment. So I guess the question I ask myself is "Is the marriage worth it"? I think I'm being falsly accused of being someone I am not. One concern is that I'll be placed under a microscope for the next ten years. I think I'm a good husband, basically a home body who stays in all the time. I pitch in around the house and am always there for my wife. I have tried to reassure her I love her and want the marriage to work. No calls, no contact with ex's, no drinking, no nothing. A lot of the time, we get along well and then she'll bring this up. So, as here I have created a secret account for this website because of this bs going on between us, it is taking on a life of its own. Everything has its price. Any thoughts?
Heroic Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 You both have issues. 1. Don't fib so she won't nag. 2. She obviously has some extreme trust issues. 3. If a Sports Illustrated video upsets her....good luck ever getting your freak on in bed
Ronni_W Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 If your marriage counselor is sending you emails the content of which you feel cannot be shared with your wife, then your counselor is guilty of conflict of interest OR you have totally missed the basic purpose of MARRIAGE counseling. Unless your family is involved in illegal activities, I can't imagine what they're putting in emails that are so secretive. Suggest to those friends and family who do have genuine private and confidential matters that they don't want your wife to be privy to, to call you or get together in person. Let them know it's because you need to become totally transparent in your marriage because you've let your wife down and she's lost trust in you. she has caught me in a couple of lies having to do with what I feel would be "non deal breaking" , which she has held against me. I lied, I admit it but it was basically to save face and not anything outright which impacted my wife or our relationship, per se`. One example was when I said I did the dishes, intending to do them later, and she finding out they had not been done. So I think I may have told her I'd give her my passwords, with the understanding it would be at the time they are required by her. A white lie? Ooh...you are tricky! How does telling the truth about not having done dishes cause you to "lose face"? And if you're making promises with some unspoken conditions attached to them that you then spring on her when she asks you to honour your promise, how do you expect to NOT be called a liar? And, of course, YOU don't get to decide what are HER deal-breakers. Those are totally within her own power and at her own discretion. Generally, your post does not indicate that you are respecting HER preferences, sensitivities, dislikes and idiosyncrasies. The things that have caused her concern DO impact her. OBVIOUSLY...or she'd not be mentioning them. How does that escape such an otherwise 'creative' and active mind?
Author brandedX Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Thanks for the insight. Can handle not fibbing but to branded an outright "liar" is pretty subjective. If your marriage counselor is sending you emails the content of which you feel cannot be shared with your wife, then your counselor is guilty of conflict of interest OR you have totally missed the basic purpose of MARRIAGE counseling. There is no conflict of interest regarding my correspondences w/the marriage counselor because they are all one way -outgoing. His reply's are basically "ok", and I'm sure his replies to her are of the same nature. The emails are simply a way to keep the counselor aprised so then to focus on resolutions during the 2 on 1 counseling sessions. Unless your family is involved in illegal activities, I can't imagine what they're putting in emails that are so secretive. Suggest to those friends and family who do have genuine private and confidential matters that they don't want your wife to be privy to, to call you or get together in person. Let them know it's because you need to become totally transparent in your marriage because you've let your wife down and she's lost trust in you. I disagree -to say to handle these verbally misses the point. Its not the content, just that these are personal ( and certainly not illegal ) in nature. My wife has indicated that she would not pry so I have to trust her on that, right? Ooh...you are tricky! How does telling the truth about not having done dishes cause you to "lose face"? And if you're making promises with some unspoken conditions attached to them that you then spring on her when she asks you to honour your promise, how do you expect to NOT be called a liar? Simply that they were supposed to have been done sooner rather than later. Ok, I slacked and got caught. No I'm forever labeled a liar? That's harsh. My whole beef is that it seems that since I've let open the door somewhat, then its open season on the "pathological liar". And, of course, YOU don't get to decide what are HER deal-breakers. Those are totally within her own power and at her own discretion. And of course you do not know the half of it. I decide what are my deal breakers. Generally, your post does not indicate that you are respecting HER preferences, sensitivities, dislikes and idiosyncrasies. The things that have caused her concern DO impact her. OBVIOUSLY...or she'd not be mentioning them. How does that escape such an otherwise 'creative' and active mind? Well I sort of eluded to it by saying I think I'm a good husband -I clean up after myself, work around the house, stay at home, honor her requests, listen to her, make her laugh, honor her religious convictions, honor her wishes, care for her, let her confide in me, and support her financially. I think what has kept us together is that we are pretty close, as it should be. What can cause a riff are the jabs I take. There were things which almost caused our split a couple of years ago which have since been smoothed over. Such as preferences, sensitivities, dislikes idiosyncrasies, etc. -all of which have been addressed and acknowledged. But to threaten divorce over something like this makes me think she really doesn't know me that well. So I'll cave in and cough it up, rather reluctantly. Thanks
2sure Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 If your white lie regarding doing dishes made her feel you may be capable of infidelity.... OK, thats crazy. Is it possible you are passive aggressive and driving her to these extremes? She sounds like a full on control freak and a right wing finatic. And you sound like the perfect and supportive spouse. Something is not ringing true here.
Ronni_W Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Can handle not fibbing but to branded an outright "liar" is pretty subjective. Totally agree with you. Subject to your wife's beliefs, values, perspectives, assessments and opinions. I decide what are my deal breakers. Totally agree with you. (Thought it was too obvious, so didn't mention it.) In truth, I do not share a single email account with my long-term partner. And I don't give a crap what goes on in his email boxes, either. BUT. When that does become an issue for either of us, I would read it as being indicative of a MUCH greater problem. I hear that you're in marriage counseling. I would suggest -- major guess and assumption -- that the email accounts have become a sort of 'distraction' for your wife...that there is something larger going on for her, which may even still be at a subconscious level. Hopefully the counselor will help her get to the bottom of whatever it is, and then you guys can resolve the real issue, and the silliness about emails will stop. The thing is that RIGHT NOW, it is NOT "silly" FOR HER. That is, apparently, what she really believes to be the problem, or one of the bigger problems, as the case may be. To me, it's about respecting this part. If my partner said he did dishes or whatever else when he actually didn't, no, I'd not be branding him a big fat liar. UNLESS I was feeling resentful or fearful or whatever about something much deeper. But then, yes, every little thing would seem TO ME like just more proof that he is a big fat liar. It still would be pointing to something much deeper that's going on with me, that I'm either consciously avoiding talking about, or that is still subconscious. However, he'd still have to take ownership that he DID in fact lie enough times to facilitate my view of him as a big fat liar...my image of him would be the consequence of HIS actions.
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