bigmanpayne Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 My wife and I are going through a divorce. In Jan. 2008 she left both the kids and me and had very little contact with the kids for almost a year. She filed for divorce (finally) at the end of 2008 and since then has acted like an angel whenever she is in front of the judge or anyone else with influence in our case. We have been meeting with a mediator/Guardian Ad Litem and to them she stated she wanted joint custody of our kids (i currently have physical custody). i think it would be great if we could split custody 50/50 but I knew for certain that she doesn't (and hasn't) wanted any custody or even visitation, and that she is only doing everything to save face with people who know what she has done. She has given custody to me before (5 years ago) and when we were together she always ran away when she got a boyfriend (yes while we were married). She even told the kids that she was going to live with her boyfriend and wasn't to see them anymore. I have asked her to take them for an extra weekend or day here and there and she refuses. There was a legit mix up with the dates the judge set for her visitation. I asked her if she wanted to schedule a weekend anyway, she said no, then she had the police come over and say that I was trying to deny her visitation (she knew we were out of town and there was no way for her to get them - nothing happened, they told her it was a mix up and there was nothing they could do). I asked her to take one child to the doctor for me, again she refused. She never called them until we saw the mediator and she told them that the kids were never available to take her calls (which is not true, they would call and maybe she would call back - maybe she wouldn't). She told the mediator she wanted them available at 8:30 each night and now she does call them (very briefly) every night at 8:30. She only does the bare minimum. She shows up at the kids concert, but only stays 6 min. (long enough to see our child) - my daughter never knew she was there. My point is, I know she is only doing this crap to save face and make herself look good for her boyfriend and his family and her own mother - but I am scared that she will be able to con these people into believing that she is serious about wanting a 50/50 split with our kids. Is it possible that she wants to be a good mother just as long as she isn't doing me any favors? I personally think she doesn't want them and with disappear once there isn't a judge or Guardian Ad Litem that she has to be accountable too. Am I overreacting? I think it is in the kids best interest to just see her every other weekend and maybe half the summer. I don't want her to con her way into a 50/50 deal that she isn't going to honestly stick with. I know there are others who have been through this before... Is there any advice for me in this situation?
sadintexas Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Document everything. The phone calls she makes, the ones the kids make to her, whether or not she called them back, visitations, refusals to assist (ask her why and document her stated reasons). Keep your journal factual and unemotional. Keep fighting for primary custody. If you lose that battle now, keep documenting everything. If she fails to uphold her end of things, take her back for a custody modification. Proper documentation is essential.
Ronni_W Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 This article may be helpful: http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Child_Custody/custodycase.html Following on what SiT said, the article states, "Also, keep a diary concerning daily goings on with the children and/or your spouse. It may come in handy someday." It doesn't sound as if you have a lawyer but, given the circumstances and high stakes, paying for an hour or two of legal counsel may prove money well spent in the long run. Unfortunately, custody decisions still appear to be skewed in the mother's favour, and it sounds as if your wife may have 'the system' figured out quite nicely. So, if getting professional guidance is at all feasible, I would strongly urge you to consider it. Good luck. Hopefully all court decisions will be in the best interests of your kids, regardless of her antics.
doomed Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Hey payne. I think there's a couple of ways you could go depending on how you feel about it all and what you think is best. Knowing that visitation is her right, but not her obligation, you might think she wants to save face but will never actually come through, then your and her real life status doesn't change much does it ? In other words, you could be very generous for a cost of nothing. BUT, since you want her involved, you could end up with a big win for your children staying connected to their mom. If you want to play hardball, get thee over to dadsdivorce.com and find the topics related to "the list". I've visited this site and personally I think they're a bit too rigid and militant and very anti wife - even though I'm a dad being screwed away from his kids. I was here once with my (first, but not for long) X. I had full custody of our DD. DD *wanted* to live with mom at 17, mom says to me "I'll take her if you pay me child support just like you pay for DS". I said sure, no problem, but YOU do the legwork. Go to court, file a case, we'll do it all by the book. Mom never did. Of course DD went to live with mom at 18, no child support asked for, until DD graduated high school at 20+, then mom nailed me for 15k large in retroactive child support, but thats a rant for another post ... Even still, what I would do is pretty much the same. Tell her you'd love it if she would share custody (if you really would love it) but "do it by the book". Maybe in this case I'd ask for a custody evaluation so that somebody official takes a look at her living situation (and yours) and makes some comparitive statements that assure the courts that mom has a safe environment (even though you suspect she won't exercise her rights). Cost vs benefits. I think there's only one downside, and that is that the kids might get jerked around - can you insulate from that a little bit ? If so, whats your risk ? doomed
Author bigmanpayne Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 It doesn't sound as if you have a lawyer but, given the circumstances and high stakes, paying for an hour or two of legal counsel may prove money well spent in the long run. Unfortunately, custody decisions still appear to be skewed in the mother's favour, and it sounds as if your wife may have 'the system' figured out quite nicely. So, if getting professional guidance is at all feasible, I would strongly urge you to consider it. we both do have lawyers, but since we are just going through the next phase/step in the process. my lawyer is probably worthless and hers not much better (though probably better than mine). it seems like they are trying to stay out of it and let us "come to an agreement" but it is hard to do when she doesn't really want any of it. i will keep fighting for what is best for my kids though.
Author bigmanpayne Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Hey payne. I think there's a couple of ways you could go depending on how you feel about it all and what you think is best. Knowing that visitation is her right, but not her obligation, you might think she wants to save face but will never actually come through, then your and her real life status doesn't change much does it ? In other words, you could be very generous for a cost of nothing. BUT, since you want her involved, you could end up with a big win for your children staying connected to their mom. If you want to play hardball, get thee over to dadsdivorce.com and find the topics related to "the list". I've visited this site and personally I think they're a bit too rigid and militant and very anti wife - even though I'm a dad being screwed away from his kids. Cost vs benefits. I think there's only one downside, and that is that the kids might get jerked around - can you insulate from that a little bit ? If so, whats your risk ? i dont want to play hardball, i only want what's best for my kids. i look at other 50/50 parents and envy them because i truly believe that is the way to go, but she doesnt want that. she only wants everyone to believe that she fought hard for her kids. is that in the best interest of my children? she has left several times (short times and long) during our marriage and everytime she faces adversity or gets a new boyfriend she abandons her children. if she really wanted to do this i would not have a problem, but she doesnt. she has told me as much before. anything she has done for the kids has been only since she filed the divorce papers so that she looks good in front of people - that's it. the kids have been doing great and i dont want that disturbed. they are happy to see their mother now and that is great - she wants to look good, i want them to be good. that's the difference.
Author bigmanpayne Posted February 21, 2009 Author Posted February 21, 2009 i think if I keep using this username and posting my problems with this situation, she will read it (or someone else will, then let her know) and continue making the proper adjustments. we will keep our fingers crossed. *keep watching*
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