Yet another "what iffy" type thingy

[not_a_happy_camper]

Thanks so much Ronni. I feel I have come a long way indeed. And I'm in a far stronger position to take this on board, no matter what the outcome. I feel stronger for everything said here too! This has to be about what I want. And no looking back to the minor details of what happened. Future future future. Whatever the outcome.

 

I had lost my assertiveness in the last few months together. I was running left right and centre for other people, between doing what I could to get a few days work here and there, trying to help out at home, and keep the b/f happy. (I got a lot of work in his town, so I was there a lot). so I was travelling a lot, not noticing that I was not doing what I wanted. I was doing what was needed of me at the time, and it drained me, when all this happened. I feel a lot stronger now, given I've had so much time to reflect.

 

I have had friends who didn't know the situation ask even in the last two weeks what had happened. And I found I wasn't that interested in rehashing. and I'd forgotten a lot of what had happened. I think I'm getting there! I think it's good to forget these things, without losing sight of the bigger picture, like you said. Thanks so much for all your help. I'll be keeping you updated no doubt. Just have to wait now and see if he'll contact me, he did say he'd like to meet up and he'll see me soon. We'll see................He lives in a different town, but I live in his hometown, an hour away. so he'll probably be home some weekend soon. I'm busy with work for the next few weekends, and have a few parties organised too..................so although I want to meet up with him, I also like that I won't be making myself so easily available! will keep you updated anyway

[not_a_happy_camper]

Ok, looks like my ex and I are meeting up this weekend, he mailed me a few hours ago to say he'd be home. I'm of the frame of mind where I feel I should try to think about it as little as possible, but I know I have to be prepared. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I'll say to him, what's important to say. it's easier to eliminate things I shouldn't say! maybe that's how I'll work it. Also saying things tactfully. Has anyone read "men are from mars, women are from venus"? Friend of mine read it, she says she looks at it from time to time if she needs to confront issues with her boyf, just to figure out how to phrase things so it doesn't sound overly confrontational. Would this be a wise step, to have a read of some of this?!

[LostLamb]

I haven't read any relationship type books but have one which was given as a gift (maybe I shoukd have taken the hint!).

 

Do you know why you are meeting him? I think you have to be honest with yourself. Is it to apologise? To beg him to come back?

Are you angry with him? I hope you are making the right choice in

seeing him again

[not_a_happy_camper]

Hi lostlamb, I am meeting him with the intention of gaining closure or a way forward at least. I am absolutely ready, nervous naturally, and just want to be prepared. Can't predict everything obviously, but at least if I know exactly what I want to ask, and exactly what I want to say, then I can hopefully gain what I want from it. Yeah I'd like him back, but I can go either way. I see that I don't need him in my life. But I miss him and I care very deeply about him. But I also konw that I'll be fine without him. I have a few questions for him...............trying to decide how to put them right now. Also apologise for my part in the break-up. He dumped me. Hadn't been so nice to me for a bit, but I know my own behaviour contributed in ways. It took me a while to see that. Instead I blamed him for everything. I feel bad for that. Depending on what answers I gain from my questions, I will then decide whether or not to approach the subject of trying again. Tentatively! If I decide there and then that I don't want to................CLOSURE. Move on. At the moment I'm trying to look at the whole thing objectively. from both sides. I think this thread ended up being mostly about my part in all of this. the other thread I mentioned somewhere above this was mostly about what happened, and his part in it all. Now trying to look at it objectively so that I don't get caught up in the minor details. It happened. and we both had parts to play. I don't want to dwell on the past when I see him. I want to look to the future, with or without him.

[LostLamb]

I'm not sure what to advise as whatever you plan will go out of the window once your are face to face with him!

I read lots of posts which say "an ex is an ex for a reason" but it is different

if your relationship ended because of a problem that is easily eradicated

or you were both still in love when parting.

 

I think it is a good sign that he has agreed to meet

[not_a_happy_camper]

I'm not sure what to advise as whatever you plan will go out of the window once your are face to face with him!

 

Oh I really hope that doesn't happen! I envision myself as calm and composed! but I know what you mean, I'm concerned it will go out the window the minute I see him. heart will plunge into my stomach and I'll forget everything...................but I think from the rest of this thread, some of the stuff ronni was saying.................I'll have to remain detached to a certain extent, and focus on what I want to gain from this, I should be ok. And if needs be, take a trip to the ladies to compose myself! it's been three months since I saw him last. I realise it's not going to be so easy. But it's something I have to do. WANT to do. (before someone jumps in to say I don't HAVE to do anything!)

 

 

I read lots of posts which say "an ex is an ex for a reason" but it is different

 

Maybe, maybe not. It seems so black and white. I prefer various shades of grey!

 

if your relationship ended because of a problem that is easily eradicated

or you were both still in love when parting.

 

I felt the problems could have been solved at the time. right now I feel that the break (break-up) in retrospect, has served me well in that I've learned from a lot of the mistakes I made myself in the relationship. things I never looked at when in the relationship. but that were exposed in the end. It was my first relationship. and I learned a lot. But the past three months have been the steepest parts of the learning curve! I was so in love with him when we parted. I have never felt so wretched in my entire life. I had sores in my nose from crying. I had an eye infection. my stomach muscles were sore, and I couldn't hold down food. I just couldn't understand at the time why we had broken up. from what my ex said when we were breaking up, I'm sure he was still in love with me. And I found out from a friend last week that even still, he is finding this very hard. I had painted him as pretty selfish in my mind until I'd heard that. I just thought he didn't care at all. I hadn't thought for a minute that he could be hurting one bit from this. It made me feel bad for him to hear that. I realise that it doesn't mean he'll want me back. he may be on an entirely different page. that remains to be seen. But I'd like to give it another try, having learnt from my mistakes. provided of course, he's willing and has learned too. that also remains to be seen.

 

 

I think it is a good sign that he has agreed to meet

 

hmmm, me too in ways, but maybe he's misconstruing my handing out the olive branch as trying to be friends? because if there's no chance of trying again, as much as i care and want him in my life, I don't know that friendship would be an option under such circumstances. not for a LONG time anyway. again..........remains to be seen!

[not_a_happy_camper]

well, met up with my ex on Friday. purposely didn't think about it all day, was a bit nervous going in. It was awkward, and I can’t say it was just like old times. He was visibly nervous. Which made me that bit more relaxed to see that! we chatted about work, family, etc. I was surprised by how well I handled things myself, I really thought I'd go in strong and see him, and suddenly become a mess. I guess it made me realise just how much I've progressed, much more than I thought.

 

I asked him why he broke up with me. I said he gave me every excuse in the book, but nothing specific to us. He said he hadn't realised how seriously he'd messed up at the time, until he saw how upset I was. We were living an hour away from each other, only saw each other weekends, so technically long distance. and we didn't really see each other enough to talk it out. He said because he realised how bad things were, and we didn't get to see each other properly, he panicked and gave in. I didn't want to push it...............but I'm not sure why he panicked, I'd like to find out. flakey? yes........

 

I apologised for the way I handled things. He said I had nothing to apologise for, because it was in response to his behaviour. He understands this. I spoke about the email I sent him saying I never wanted to be with him again. I spoke some harsh truths in the email, specifying I wouldn't be with someone who didn't want to make the effort for us. He has a really bad temper, it doesn't show very often, but when it does, he does really stupid things. I said in the email, that he needs to learn to control this, because history will repeat itself, in every other relationship he'd ever be in. etc, etc. He said everything I said was right. And that I was right to say them. It hurt him yes. But he said I was right to be so honest, this was something he should have done too. He spoke about all the things he could have done to make things better at the time, that he now realises he should have done. Like making more time for me, making more time for the relationship. That we should have done more special things alone together for us. That he should have been more active in organizing these things for us (part of what I felt was wrong before we broke up was that I was always the one suggesting we do things together, while he was always suggesting we go out with his friends, family, never did much alone together. I felt I was the only one making us a priority). He didn’t apologise. But he has clearly thought about all that I said, and recognises where he could have done better.

 

He said he didn’t regret the time we had together. That he opened up to me in a way that’s he’s never done with anyone before. That he learned a lot about himself from the relationship (I didn’t ask what he learned!). I said it to him that we could have fixed things at the time if we could have spoken about it. He said he realises this now, and felt perhaps a break would have been better. (but didn’t say he regretted breaking up?). I said break, break-up, they sound different, but they’re the same thing. I asked him how did he feel about giving us another go. He said sure why not, what have we got to lose? NOW………….I came home and thought about this reply. It sounds a little flakey to be honest. He said he’s missed me. And that we both have a lot to think about. But that he’d like to meet up and talk more. I said that’s cool. He took my hand while saying all this. He was sweating profusely! And shaking from nerves. We kissed, which was really nice. The chemistry is definitely still there! And we said we’d meet up again soon. He texted me when he got home to say how nice it was to see me, and he’ll be in touch.

 

It was nice to catch up. And I know I’ve said I’m open to given it another try. And he said why not. I’d rather a more definite committed yes, but I guess it’s early days, and we do have a lot of talking to do about what went wrong. But a lot of it will depend on his behaviour. I am NOT doing the running. I did all the running the last few months we were together. I need to see if he is willing to make the effort. He hasn’t said he was miserable without me…………………I’d love to hear him come back to me saying that. Probably purely for an ego stroke, but I’d like to know he’s serious about this. I guess that too remains to be seen though. Much will depend on how the talking goes.

 

I know the intensity of my feelings for him has faded. That if this doesn’t work out, I’m not emotionally invested now, it won’t hurt as much. I know everyone says the vast majority of second chances don’t work out. True. But we’ll see, I’m prepared to find out by trying rather than taking everyone else’s word for it! I’m not the same person he broke up with. I feel a lot more decisive, a lot stronger and more confident in myself. And the three months away from each other, for me, has made me far more aware of how important it is to be confident in myself and what I want in a relationship too, rather than just giving all the time. I need things to be equal in all aspects. I do have some concerns though………………….The fact that I know my feelings aren’t as strong for him anymore…………………I’ve never been in this situation before, so maybe someone could enlighten me a bit! Do I treat this as a completely new relationship, if things progress from here? In that feelings will grow with time? Or does the fact that I don’t feel as strongly for him now as I did before, mean that those feelings are gone forever? We were great together up to the last few months of the relationship. That is why I’d like to give it another go, I know how good we were. He acknowledged this too. I’m afraid that I might also hold back too much from emotional investment, for fear of getting hurt again. That’s why I want to see him make more effort from the outset. Is this a bad sign? Or am I thinking about this too much? Should I just go with the flow, but be cautious? I’m aware he may decide not to pursue this! But in case he does pursue this, I want to have thought it out!

[LostLamb]

Hi ,

 

I thought you would agree to try again!

I would be a tad worried that he wasn't more emphatic about trying again

but maybe he is nervous? Not feeling miserable when you parted doesn't sound too good.

If you can honestly start again without being angry about him dumping you , you should go for it.

I broke up with ex lots of times but we always got back together within hours and I carried on as before. Which was wrong

[not_a_happy_camper]

hi lostlamb!

 

yeah, not overly emphatic. that's why I'm going to wait it out and see what he does next. I've put it out there, but if he's not going to play ball, then it won't work. the not being miserable thing.................he hasn't said he was miserable without me..............but I've heard from mutual friends about how upset he was, and how much I meant to him. he too has cried in public about me.............it's been just over three months though, so we've both had time at least to assess what went wrong. I'm still angry that he dumped me. But it's more bitterness than anything if that makes sense? the fact that we could have sorted things had he stayed it out. I've forgiven him, and I'm not going to let it get to me, or ruin the chances of getting back together. it happened, we can't change that, so not going to worry about that anymore. What I do worry about is that he'll jump and run again the next time we come upon a problem (if we do get back together that is) and I do need to address that with him.

 

he was very nervous the other night. and he did find it really hard to say all he did. I hope he's thinking hard about it now.

[not_a_happy_camper]

and now he's texting like he used to when we started going out........................and wants to meet up again friday! hard not to get excited...................and simultaneously feel I'm setting myself up for a fall...............GAH!!!

[LostLamb]

Sometimes it is ok to feel scared! It's hard when your split wasn't because you fell out of love or abused each other , maybe the chances of a second chance working out is much higher?

If I was in your shoes I would go for it , it is better than sitting at home thinking "what if?"

[not_a_happy_camper]

I know. I'm looking forward to meeting up, but mindful. I'm guessing scared is good, because I will hold back!

 

there was no abuse involved, and no falling out of love as far as I'm aware, though as I said, my own feelings have faded a lot, since the break, which is probably a good thing. he had been taking me for granted for a couple of months before the break. I felt that at least. so he better make a super effort.

[msjules]

Hello, Ms. Camper! I have gotten back together with my boyfriend, too. We reunited during the past week. It's strange. We were apart for five months and never saw each other one time during that entire time. We talked on the phone sporadically. It is very different this time. He is much more "into" the relationship than he was before (he dumped me) and is really pursuing me, tells me he loves me constantly. I am very wary of him and I don't trust him. I thought we would just go back to what we were, but it isn't that way at all. I guess that was pretty unrealistic. I am glad I am wary of him. He understands my hesitation. We are taking things at my pace, which is very slow.

 

I guess the point I am making is not to expect things to be the way they were before. They will be a lot different because your feelings are different. Damage has been done by the dumper that can't be erased. It is going to take a lot of time before I feel like I can relax in the relationship. I still love my boyfriend very much (it feels so strange NOT referring to him as my ex anymore!) but the love is probably more realistic now. I see his flaws now whereas I had him on a pedestal before.

 

I hope we can make it. Good luck to you and congratulations.

[not_a_happy_camper]

Hi msjules! thanks for the message, best of luck to you too!

 

He is much more "into" the relationship than he was before (he dumped me) and is really pursuing me, tells me he loves me constantly

 

I'm getting the impression from text messages so far that he is more interested than before too. but then he made a massive effort when we started going out................it seems a bit nostalgic really! But I'm not giving as much as I would have before. I feel it's wise to hold back, and let him do the chasing. Same for you by the sounds of things!

 

I thought we would just go back to what we were, but it isn't that way at all. I guess that was pretty unrealistic. I am glad I am wary of him. He understands my hesitation. We are taking things at my pace, which is very slow.

 

I hope we don't go back to the way we were. I know we won't to be honest, and that's good from the outset. I'm far more confident of my own feelings here, and won't take any crap from him second time round. He'll be the first to know if he does something wrong! I had a habit of saying to myself "ah no, it was just a once off, won't happen again" over little things he did or said, and I should have just said what was on my mind and not let things build up. We both realise our mistakes from last time. And taking things slower is a good idea. It sounds like you are really working on things, and taking the time to see if this is what you want.

 

It is going to take a lot of time before I feel like I can relax in the relationship.

 

I know what you mean, that's something I need to make clear to my ex. still calling him my ex, because though we are talking about getting back together, I'm not truly going there until we have talked everything out. No point in going back if there aren't going to be changes, and though it's obvious he's thought things through, and sees what he could have done to make things better, I need to see this in action before I make my mind up entirely.

 

I still love my boyfriend very much (it feels so strange NOT referring to him as my ex anymore!) but the love is probably more realistic now. I see his flaws now whereas I had him on a pedestal before.

 

I absolutely relate to this. He was my first boyfriend, and I was swept away by it all. The spark is still there for definite. I know I love him..............I'm trying to figure out what kind of love that is at the moment. Hence another reason for taking it slow, I don't want to hurt him either. But certainly things are more realistic. expectation wise. and I see his faults and still want to try.

 

I hope things work out for us both! whatever the outcome. I know that this time, if things don't work, we'll at least have given it a go, that's what hurt so much before was that he didn't seem to want to try, it just seemed so unfinished, so much was left unsaid. If things don't work out, I'm at the stage now where I can handle it, because I"m holding back enough to see things objectively now, I was too emotionally involved before to see things for what they were. Best of luck to you too, hope it all goes ok!

[Ronni_W]

Hey camper.

Sounds like you are on the right track, for sure -- keeping in mind your OWN wants and needs, and giving those due consideration and top priority. Good job!

I see his faults and still want to try.

It's also about HIM clearly seeing YOUR shortcomings and things that you want to improve about yourself, and him being okay with exactly who YOU are, right now. That is, the more realistic views and reasonable expectations have got to be on BOTH sides.

 

Otherwise, higher risk of you becoming all understanding and accepting and patient and supportive of him trying to improve his stuff, but him not being able to give all of that back to you -- would indicate that you had matured/grown more than he has, and the (new) relationship still won't be mutual and equal.

[not_a_happy_camper]

Hi Ronni, thanks for the reply!

 

It's also about HIM clearly seeing YOUR shortcomings and things that you want to improve about yourself, and him being okay with exactly who YOU are, right now. That is, the more realistic views and reasonable expectations have got to be on BOTH sides.

 

This is something I honestly hadn't thought about. I mean I know I made mistakes, and I've addressed them and intend to change things...............but I hadn't thought about how he'll respond if that makes sense? This is something I will put more thought into now you say it. One thing for example, I'll be a hell of a lot more vocal if I think something is wrong. Sometimes he used to get annoyed and say I was nitpicking. Where I wasn't nitpicking? Because the things I used to try and talk about were the very things that caused problems in the end. I felt like he wasn't taking me and my needs seriously enough. definitely something I need to address before we enter into relationship again.

 

I think we both had unrealistic expectations last time round. I think that will also have to be addressed. LOTS of talking to be done. He's not always been great for talking! so the next few meetings will tell a lot. It may go nowhere. I"m prepared for that. If the talking doesn't work out, I'll know for sure that this can't go anywhere.

 

Otherwise, higher risk of you becoming all understanding and accepting and patient and supportive of him trying to improve his stuff, but him not being able to give all of that back to you -- would indicate that you had matured/grown more than he has, and the (new) relationship still won't be mutual and equal.

 

Very true and this is exactly what I don't want to happen. This is a little where things went before we broke up. Next few meetings going to be very difficult I think. This is all so important to talk about. I hope he realises that.