blair08 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Here is my question.... A co worker of mine who has been married for about 2 years now...recently found out her husband, years ago when he was under age, I think he was 17....had molested a boy that was about 9 or 10 I think...when he was a camp counselor. they are both in their 30's...dated for about 2-3 years before marrying..and have a one year old son..she is now concerned about her son....I don't know all the details about how she found out..but she said she is just shocked and devestated! I only talked with her briefly and she told me that she ran into someone that used to know her husband years ago..and told her that he had done that.....because he was a camp counselor to when it happened...and he was sent away to like a correctional facility. How is the best way for her to find out more info before talking with her husband about this? She did say if she asked him he would deny it...or at least he would until she had evidence of it. Would a detective be able to help her and could they go back to when he was 17...can they relase that kind of info now because he was under 18 at the time? She told me she was now concerned for their one year old son.
Geishawhelk Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 If he was sent away to a correctional facility, there would be a record somewhere of this. If she's really concerned, she could go through the same organisation, or make enquiries through the police. This was a very long time ago, and whilst I take nothing away from the situation, he was a relatively young man, and not an adult or parent.... I know it's very bad, but it may not have been a straightforward situation of outright abuse..... She should make further enquiries as to circumstances and whatnot..... If it worries her. Do you know whether he has shown any such tendencies, since?
Author blair08 Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 I agree with what you're saying...and you're right hard to say exactly what was going on...I just know she said that guy told her...her husband was sent away for this for some time...I'm sure there is more to the story....I don't think she has had any other things to come up, if she has she has not said....
Lizzie60 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 That could have been an isolated 'situation'.. PLUS he was a teen.. As teens, we all did things that we are not necessarily proud of.. or still doing. (ex. drugs, etc.) If I were her, I would simply keep an eye opened.. but I wouldn't be too concerned..
bean1 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 We all do stupid things at 17 but molesting a child is not something that JUST HAPPENS. She needs to figure this out asap and if it is true, do what is right for her child. Please do some research on child sex offenders. They are scum of the earth and do not change. She will need to do a bit of digging. I work in the criminal justice system and child molestation convictions are quite rare, they usually have dozens of victims (or in the case of parental, usually just a few), but very rarely is it ever reported. Police keep separate records of reports vs. convictions. Have her call your local department, ask to speak to one of the detectives in sex crimes (they are usually detectives and it is usually a branch of the serious crimes unit) and talk to them.
Heroic Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Check and see if your state has a sexual offender registry..... http://www.familywatchdog.us/
sadintexas Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I would have a PI look into it discreetly. I have two thoughts about it: 1) Child molesters are hard if not impossible to reform so I wouldn't necessarily chalk it up to something stupid done by a teenager; but 2) The facts may not be cut and dry so conclusions shouldn't be drawn based on something that isn't verified. I would though, get to the bottom of it and get as many facts as possible about it if I were her. I would do this BEFORE I talked to my H (if she chooses to do this at all) because he could influence my thoughts about it. The more evidence she has the better conclusion she can draw. She has to be careful as her child's safety could be at stake.
NoIDidn't Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 This is not something to just "keep your eye on". Sadintexas is right! There is a precious child to be concerned with. I have first hand knowledge of this fact! Do NOT "wait and see". By then its already too late!
2sunny Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 a child's safety and a secure happy future should always be protected. for the circumstances involved, the Mom cannot take any chances with her young child. his past needs to be checked out thoroughly and then talked through with brutal honesty in order for a decision about the future of their marriage to be determined. even if you were to consider divorce - he would only see the child under supervised visits... granted you are in the US. protect the child, it will now be the Mom's job to be sure the child isn't at risk.
Author blair08 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Thank you all so much for the replies. I have told her about what some of you all have said....she told me she was going to look further into it for sure. I do think she might be in touch with a detective of some kind...possibly today at some point, and at least see what they can tell her. I do know he has said before he went to a military school when he was a teen...he said he went there because he was always in trouble in regular school, like fights and stuff. At least that is what he says. This guy that told his wife about what he had done, said he was in a correctional facility. If its a correctional facility isn't that where you go if charges have been brought against you for something?
bean1 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 You are only sent to correctional facilities (youth or not) after a conviction as part of a sentence unless the charge is so serious that you need to be held awaiting trial. Whether or not you are released during that interim period (after charge but before conviction/acquittal) depends on the judge and charge and if you are considered a risk.
Lucky_One Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Why is she trusting a virtual stranger's word before she talks to her husband about this?
Author blair08 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Why is she trusting a virtual stranger's word before she talks to her husband about this? I see what you're saying...this was a guy that worked with her husband....back in the day at the camp when all this happened. I don't think its that she is really trusting the word of a stranger....I think it raised a concern, and she wanted to look further into it..she could ask her husband first...but she wants to look further into it and then talk with him...more than likely if she were to ask him such a thing with no back up proof..he would deny it anyway.
Lucky_One Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Well, she obviously has no trust for her husband if she thinks he would lie unless she has more proof than the word of a stranger.
JackJack Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I think your friend is doing the right thing! You just never know about people these days, even spouses. There is a child involved here so, she needs to do right by the child. Its not going to hurt to check things out. Even if she comes up empty handed at least she might have a better peace of mind on things. If there is something found and its what she thought or worse, then she will at least maybe know how to proceed with things. Continue to be supportive of her.
Author blair08 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Why is she trusting a virtual stranger's word before she talks to her husband about this? I really do not know. I guess it could be. I do know there was a time or two in the past where he did lie about a few things concerning a job issue, and he was point blank asked. So maybe that is why she feels he would deny this...this is a much bigger thing than the job issue. Why is she with someone who lies or can't be trusted...I do not know that either, maybe many reasons in her mind, who knows for sure. Anyway, there is a kid involved and I see no reason for her to not at least inquire further. Thanks.
Lucky_One Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I would definitely inquire further - but I would start with the man that I (at some point) loved, trusted and believed in. She could be spending a whole lot of time and mental anxiety trying to find out somethng that would be a closed case anyway, when it turns out to be that he was 17, and there was a precocious 15 year old camper who got caught giving him a blow job at camp. Then he went to military school, and his ahem "friend" believed he was sent away for the sexual transgression. This information could be a lot, and it could be nothing.
RecordProducer Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 She needs to speak to professionals: attorney, police detective, social worker... They will tell her exactly what she can do, how to obtain accurate information, and offer support. It will also help her save her sanity. I wouldn't resort to online searches, rumors, or any kind of "witchcraft." There are institutions and experts who deal with these matters first-hand. This is a legal matter. You, on the other hand, as her friend, just listen and don't be judgmental YET. It might turn out that the whole thing was just a mistake or he slapped this boy's butt, was reported, released, and now the ex-counselor just spiced up the story. You never know. Just because she doesn't trust her husband doesn't mean she's capable of molesting someone. On the other hand, if he was proven guilty, I think it's a serious issue. At age 17, our sexual tendencies are already well developed. We're not talking about experimenting with drugs, booze or gay sex. A 17-year old person (almost an adult!) who finds a little child sexually arousing is not likely to change later. He might have done it more than once.
voldigicam Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Hearsay and intentional slander cause lots of trouble. I don't get concerned about stories until checked out. Checking out usually being a quiet inquiry to the accused. Most of the time there's a "Huh? No idea what that's about." I'm good at seeing whether there's a spark in there or complete surprise. Unfortunately, the real sociopaths show no spark, they're very very good. But usually most of us figure them out after a little bit of time. There are plenty of nasty troublemakers out there, and stories get distorted over the years. Even over weeks. No need to panic. For example, I had sex with a 14 year old girl once. Oh no! Until you realize I was 14 it sounds pretty bad, doesn't it?
Storyrider Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 If I'm remembering my criminal justice unit correctly, if you're convicted of a crime as a minor in the US the records are wiped clean when you become a legal adult. I don't know that any official record of the crime would now exist. http://ezinearticles.com/?Juvenile-Criminal-Records&id=410116 the common practice with regard to destroying juvenile records across different states is that when the juvenile reach legal age, the court would order the records destroyed. Given this, access to these records is very limited and lawyers who may want to look at the juvenile record of an accused would have to prove that it has direct relationship with the crime that an adult person is accused of doing.
headlesschicken Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Well, she obviously has no trust for her husband if she thinks he would lie unless she has more proof than the word of a stranger. i don't think that's fair at all. are you saying that trust overrides the necessity to look into a charge of criminal activity just because you "love" someone? this is how dysfunction and enabling are born. if i heard of charges of something of this magnitude you bet your ass i'd check out the story. ESPECIALLY with children involved! i wouldn't just let it go because "a stranger" told me--and it doesn't seem that this man is a stranger at all.
RecordProducer Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 are you saying that trust overrides the necessity to look into a charge of criminal activity just because you "love" someone? I think she/he was saying that if she already doesn't trust her husband 10% that he us be at least somewhat guilty. I strongly disagree this. Lack of trust doesn't PROVE that somebody is a criminal. I wish people restrained from personal experiences and opinions and let this woman find real evidence. this is her life - and if her husband ends up to be a molester - not really good one, at the moment. I think some people are really cruel as to how they handle people's lives here. they forget that it's about the original poster - not them. I don't necessarily see it in this particular thread, but I see it in almost all other threads. So I am trying o warn everyone: before you ruin this woman's life and go to your peaceful, bed, think twice.
bean1 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 If I'm remembering my criminal justice unit correctly, if you're convicted of a crime as a minor in the US the records are wiped clean when you become a legal adult. I don't know that any official record of the crime would now exist. I'm in Canada, not the US, but I think something similar applies. Although crimes are expunged after you turn 18, they still EXIST. Records are never, never, never erased They are not accessible to those outside the criminal justice system but trust me, they are still there. There is a warning on the criminal record that states the person was a minor at the time of the conviction. Also, certain crimes do not get "erased" either, such as sex crimes. You can't murder someone at 16 and have a clean record at 19. Like I said I'm not from the US but I do have experience with NCIC working in the Canadian criminal justice system and that's the gist of it...
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