Rawhide Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Hi all, First off, a huge thank you to all of you who take the time to read through posts and reply with advice and encouragement. I've been lurking for a couple of months and browsing several threads and boy;this forum is priceless. Perhaps I should share some of my own dilemmas. I probably won't get everything in here, so please feel free to ask for any clarifications. I've been married for 12 years to my lovely wife, and we were dating for 6 years before we got married. We met while at university and things couldn't be better; she was and still is (sometimes) everything I ever wanted in a partner. We have an eight year old bundle of energy who turns nine this year. About 6 years ago, things started taking a downturn for no apparent reason, and have continued that way ever since. She became less communicative, disinterested in sex, and her mantra became "life is too short not to enjoy yourself". I had done quite a bit of reading and interacting with other married couples to realize I was hovering in the old 'seven year itch' zone. I subsequently tried to do everything possible to ensure we got through this period. We have a simple arrangement in our household. I keep it clean, (yes, brooms, mops and dusters) as well as tackle all the traditional roles. I went a step further and made sure she was free of any home related chores. I made sure her car was always washed, serviced and had a tank of petrol in it. I tried to be 'there' for her through whatever was bothering her. I asked her on several occasions what the problem was and the standard response was usually "nothing". Over the last few years, things have gone from bad to worse. Everything that's wrong in her life or with the world is somehow my fault. The intimacy is gone and sex, when it does happen (once a month if I'm lucky) is usually perfunctory and almost rehearsed...AND in complete darkness, as light seems to bother her these days. I'm not perfect. I'll always be the first to admit that, and I know I have several shortcomings. However, I'm willing to accept them and work towards becoming a better person. My other half however, doesn't believe she has any shortcomings. During many an argument, she's gone as far to tell me she's perfect, and 'hot'. She's also quick to jump on the divorce bandwagon whenever we're having a disagreement. Quite a number of her coworkers are divorced or separated and I've heard them glamorize divorce. She's often quick to cite how 'so and so' got divorced and is immeasurably happy. Communicating my feelings usually ends up with a shouting session. Her shouting at me, and me keeping mum to discourage further yelling. It's her tactic to detract from whatever issues I've brought up, and she uses the opportunity to capitalize on all kinds of past occurrences. "Remember 5 years ago when............". Recently, she signed up for a second undergraduate degree which she's taking through a distance learning program. I'm proud of her for wanting to improve herself this way, but it has taken her away from having anything to do with me. She started it 2 years ago, and will complete it in the summer of this year. She's happiest when she's studying and I'm glad that there's something that makes her happy. I have several hobbies that keep me occupied, and when I'm not attending to the little guy, I'm immersed in my hobbies. This gets her somewhat pissed off, because when she decides to take a break from her studying, I'm not waiting to 'bond' with her...(place argument here). I often hear her mutter under her breath about how she should have married someone with more money, so she wouldn't have to work and go to school at the same time. She has in fact thrown it in my face during an argument how she's hot enough to find someone with more money and is better looking than I am, (I'm yet to crack any mirrors in the house so I don't think I'm that bad), and will provide for all her 'needs'. Two years ago, she was having some major issues with her car. On more than one occasion, I heard her grumble about being with someone who couldn't treat her like a mistress and lavish her with gifts. As a birthday/Christmas surprise, I 'borrowed' her car one snowy afternoon, drove it to a car dealership where I had done some poking around a few days prior, and traded her car in for a newer car. Needless to say, I got laid that night. (Regrettably, I cant afford a new car every week to get laid....) Barely, 6 months later, she wanted a divorce because my friends took me to see a movie on my birthday while she was at work. (place head-shake here)+(place argument here) I work in a field where on a daily basis, I see the effects of broken homes, and I cringe when I think my son may end up being a victim. This is all that keeps me going. She on the other hand works in a corporate environment and brings the corporate attitude home with her. I've thought several times about the cheating angle, but I'm yet to find concrete proof that anything is going on. Perhaps I should take the blindfold off and take a closer look........She on the other hand is constantly communicating how she has zero tolerance for cheaters. She gets enraged when she watching a movie or soap and there's a clip or scene of someone cheating. She's curious as to my whereabouts when I cant answer my cell phone, and challenges me. She is however unreachable on her phone, and likes to attribute it to a 'meeting' she was in. (Hmmm) I think I've ranted off enough. I had to express these thoughts, and there was really no one to 'complain' to. Thanks for listening to my haphazard rant. I feel much better knowing there are people out there.........
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Yep, I'd be tired and worn-out, too. And depressed and frustrated. I may have missed it -- have you discussed marriage counseling? Is her change of behaviour and attitude possibly the result of being mother to a then-2 (going on 3) y/o? Was there a death or serious illness of a loved one that she really just didn't cope well with...and is still being affected by? Quite honestly, it doesn't sound promising without some serious and excellent professional guidance. That is, it sounds as if you have done all that is reasonable, sane and within your own knowledge and resources. There isn't, that I can see, more that you can do on your own. But obviously it still isn't enough to help her feel happy and satisfied. My thought is she could be suffering from serious depression. No matter, though. She still is the one who holds all the information about her mental-emotional state, and what is missing for her. If she won't take responsibility for that, and for her impact on you, your family and your marriage... Sorry. It just doesn't sound promising. I do hope that you -- or a pastor, or trusted friend or family member -- can facilitate her awareness and desire to get some professional help. Sending hugs, and wishes for positive outcomes.
Author Rawhide Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Thanks for the encouragement... As far as counseling goes, I have been informed on no uncertain terms, that any visits to a counselor/shrink/marriage professional, will be undertaken solo by me. She is apparently too 'perfect' to have any issues. This morning she stomped around the house complaining 'to the air' about how she wants to be rich! She also asked the 'air' how she allowed herself to get 'lost' as this is not the real her. Apparently, the real 'her' should ideally be in a semi-castle someplace with a bevy of butlers at her beck and call, answering to her every whim. Sigh.....
Ronni_W Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Apparently, the real 'her' should ideally be in a semi-castle someplace with a bevy of butlers at her beck and call, answering to her every whim. At some point, the 'Real You' may just have to splurge for a copy of 'The Castles of Europe', give this princess a kiss, and send her on her merry adventure. But. Before you do that... I just started reading a very interesting little book. It's called 'Marriage Shock' by Dalma Heyn. On sale for three bucks at bookcloseouts.com -- can buy a copy for yourself, and one for her, at that price The excerpt that I'll copy below really doesn't do the content justice. Actually, you could check the customer reviews at amazon.com for a broader overview. I am long-divorced...one of 66.67% of women who initiate in our contemporary times . The book is surprisingly on the mark, for my own experience through all of that. What I think it may do for you -- I guess maybe/hopefully offer you some insight into her outwardly bizarre (crazy-making for you) behaviour. And if she has her own copy, who knows? Maybe she'll recognize something and realize that it is ON HER to resolve her own stuff. That excerpt (from the bookcloseouts site): "...explains the plague of contemporary divorce - initiated by women two thirds of the time - from a revolutionary new perspective: It's not bad relationships that cause wives to walk out, nor is it boredom, time, or overblown expectations. Rather, it's the institution of marriage itself, with the myriad hidden constraints that long-ago shaped it that is behind this phenomenon. By examining the complex experience of "marriage shock," Heyn carefully charts how the institution can silently sabotage the very love and commitment a couple envisions." If it sounds like horsecrap, that's fair enough. As I said, the content is richer and fuller. There is something in it, from my perspective, that might help to save marriages. For three bucks and a few hours reading...even if, at the end of it, it still sounds like horsecrap, at least husbands will know that they did that one last thing. Is my thought. Sorry that I don't have anything more solid to offer.
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